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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants me to pay for petrol

257 replies

popmama1 · 10/10/2015 15:09

My OH has a car (that FIL bought him and MIL pays the insurance on) and wants me to pay for petrol if he takes me anywhere in it. Bearing in mind the only time he really drives me anywhere is to the supermarket where I pay for all the food shopping and his fags and then back to the flat where I pay all the electric, gas and rent because he's on a zero hour contract and refuses to even try to get a better job. I was learning to drive before I fell pregnant and don't plan on getting a car until after I have our daughter. We got in a genuine argument over whether I should contribute to petrol or not. He doesn't ask his friends or his family to pay if they go out so why should I? AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2015 08:31

Op that is different. His attitude sounds bad, you pay for everything, he expects you to pay for the petrol, fir you to buy his food and fags, come on op, what does he do fir you! My partner payed everything, when I was unemployed for 6 months, I lived in his house, but I contributed by doing housework, if I could not afford fags, I did not smoke! I would certainly not expect my partner to get me fags, or act like he should bankroll me, like your partner.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2015 08:35

Ok op, if you pay everything, how does your partner contribute towards to running if the home. Does he cook? Does he clean? Does he make some monetary contribution towards bills? I think out responses have hit a nerve, you know what is said on here is correct, your not ready to hear it yet. carry on being a doormat, what example are you going to set for your little girl when she us here and gets older?

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 08:40

Ahh so this post was ostensibly about a man being unreasonable and the OP has managed to turn this into women-blaming shit. You know: "but but but women do it too", "but his mother's to blame", "if only women were a little bit better, men wouldn't treat us like shit...."

Quelle surprise.

Only1scoop · 11/10/2015 08:41

Ugh you have replaced his mum what a turn on....even buying his fagsSad

Of course you shouldn't be paying for petrol

but then his mum pays his insurance etc ....so the spoilt little chicken couldn't possibly pay for petrol!! Why should he when he has another mug to pick up that bill!!

And as for having a child with someone like this. Words fail me.

CatMilkMan · 11/10/2015 08:41

OP got angry and had a vent, everyone slammed her DP and she then stood up for him and now the majority are just insulting her.
It's her life stop insulting her because you disagree with the way she is living it and stop being so fucking patronising. Thinking you know better and one day OP will be as clever and insightful as you is pathetic you probably aren't as smart as you think you are.

Op, he should stop smoking and start taking more financial responsibility.

Achooblessyou · 11/10/2015 08:46

You sound very young and naive, and actually I think u live on another planet to most of us.

Any other soon to be mother would be really worried abt where the money will come from when she had to give up work to have the baby. Not just worried but terrified.

Any other self employed business woman would also be bemoaning the fact that she was working a 70 hour week to try to make ends meet while this cocklodger was doing sweet fa.

But no, daddy gave you a business, are you just playing at that too?

Yes he is a cocklodger but perhaps u tolerate it because u have had things on a plate?

I might be being unfair, but I'm sure that whatever happens you'll land on you feet. You might be in for a shock though when baby comes.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/10/2015 08:46

Actually I do think mothers (and fathers) are to blame in cases like this. God forbid my dh and I raise a lazy, entitled, selfish, useless man who can't do his own washing, shopping and pay for his own petrol.

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 08:50

I can't see any posts insulting her CatMilkMan. Granted I may have missed one or two.

Posts criticising him. Posts criticising her defending him and blaming it on every other woman when he chooses to behave in this manner. Posts outlining how life will be if she accepts this shit now.

ArmchairTraveller · 11/10/2015 08:53

How is this about being clever and insightful?
OP asked AIBU, subsequent posters said that he was BU, gave reasons why and offered their opinions.
She's choosing this life, you are right, it's her decision. So let's hope she's stil as happy in 5 years time. That if she's paying all the bills, his contribution to their home is equal in kind if not cash.
Do you think 'I'm just hoping reality hits him when our daughter is born' is likely to happen?
What reality do you think the OP is hoping will dawn?
More money? Less dependence on his mother? More maturity linked to shouldering half of the responsibilities of being a partner and a parent?
What do you think she's hoping will change, and what is she basing that hope on?

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 08:54

I would say that there is quite a lot of victim blaming though.

derxa · 11/10/2015 08:55

I think the likelihood of this situation being real is fairly low.

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 08:56

That wasn't directed at you ArmchairTraveller btw!

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 08:57

Indeed derxa.

ArmchairTraveller · 11/10/2015 08:59

That's where my Feminism hits the wall. She's an intelligent, independent adult who has chosen her partner and chosen to get pregnant. I dislike the way that women are infantalised by the attitude that they have no control or autonomy in these situations, that it's his fault and she's a helpless victim of her hormones and environment.
The only potential victim I can see is a child, and let's hope that the OP can do the grown-up money bits whilst her partner does the funstuff and the laundry.

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 09:03

I'm not suggesting she's a victim of her hormones or environment Confused. I'm saying he chooses to behave appallingly. And he is the one who has created this situation, not her. That is not her fault. You can give advice to someone without blaming them for being in an abusive situation.

ArmchairTraveller · 11/10/2015 09:03

Sorry scallops, xposted.
But I spent so long fighting against the wife/mother/that's all future that was a huge part of expectations in the 60s and 70s that it irritates me when I see women with more freedom in law and in reality just trotting down the same weary superwoman path.
The idea wasn't that you got to be a careerwoman and a housewife and a mother whilst the males just reaped the benefit of two incomes and a full fridge.

ArmchairTraveller · 11/10/2015 09:05

He is also a victim of all the enablers in his life. His parents, his partner.
How do you think he grew into the specimen he is now?

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 09:06

Agree with your last post Armchair.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2015 09:07

While your on maternity leave, who will pay the bills? Will he?

MidniteScribbler · 11/10/2015 09:08

He must be an awesome screw if it's worth putting up with all of his other less than redeeming qualities.

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 09:10

Meant your post at 9:03, Armchair.

He is the one choosing to abuse someone. She isn't. That's the distinction.

ArmchairTraveller · 11/10/2015 09:12

'While your on maternity leave, who will pay the bills? Will he?'

Hopefully she's budgeted for being on ML and planned accordingly.

BoffinMum · 11/10/2015 09:14

I think the point about doing a degree is that it leads to lots of benefits, for example happier person, potentially better work routes, potentially enhanced income, that kind of thing. It is an investment, if you finish it. This is quite different from one half of a relationship being rubbish with money generally and not behaving like a responsible grown up, doing as they please and never truly committing to anything.

ArmchairTraveller · 11/10/2015 09:14

But she's happy with the relationship, she's just a bit disgruntled that he's asking her for petrol money. If they are both happy, perhaps we should leave them to it.

HazleNutt · 11/10/2015 09:14

I blame her for his behaviour and his views on money as at 21 she still paid his way for him - and now you pay his way for him. He's got it quite comfortable, doesn't it, just moving from one woman willing to pay his bills to another.

And no, my answer would not be different if it was another way around- if the woman was doing nothing, was too lazy to get a job and expected others to pay. Saying that, for a while I was the only one earning in our household - but DH was a SAHD - which is very different than a capable adult simply deciding that others owe him a living. It doesn't really sound like he's a 'homemaker' either if he can barely use a washing machine.

And no, of course he won't change when the baby is here - will probably get worse, as you will have less money and attention for him then.

You really have to sit down and discuss how he is planning to fairly contribute. He won't magically grow up and get responsible, he really won't.

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