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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants me to pay for petrol

257 replies

popmama1 · 10/10/2015 15:09

My OH has a car (that FIL bought him and MIL pays the insurance on) and wants me to pay for petrol if he takes me anywhere in it. Bearing in mind the only time he really drives me anywhere is to the supermarket where I pay for all the food shopping and his fags and then back to the flat where I pay all the electric, gas and rent because he's on a zero hour contract and refuses to even try to get a better job. I was learning to drive before I fell pregnant and don't plan on getting a car until after I have our daughter. We got in a genuine argument over whether I should contribute to petrol or not. He doesn't ask his friends or his family to pay if they go out so why should I? AIBU?

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 11/10/2015 00:52

I wonder if OP's desire to have a baby is why she knowingly settled for such a shit deal. Maybe as another poster suggests, she is a bit older than him so clock ticking?

Fwiw i have no issue with couple who have a SAH partner. However i am always suspicious when relationships and families begin on such an unequal footing. I would want to know before deciding to have kids that this guy actually had it in him to support us as a family should my own job go tits up for whatever reason. Much as i'm sure anyone i was marrying/cohabiting with would want to have seen the evidence that i was also willing to support the family. Nobody should expect to coast from the get go.

WorkingBling · 11/10/2015 00:53

No. It's not because he's a man that you are getting this response. You don't sound like partners. Dh us said. I eat all the money and technically pay for everything. But dh more than pulls his weight. Does your dp?

Fairenuff · 11/10/2015 00:55

You eat all the money Bling? Now that is really not on Shock

Francoitalialan · 11/10/2015 01:02

I think perhaps you just need to try a bit harder so that he appreciates you. Don't let pregnancy be an excuse for getting fat, you need to keep yourself pretty for him. Do you make sure his dinner is ready when he gets home? That his shirts are done? Some men who are with ladies with careers find it emasculating. Perhaps you might play that down a bit? Then he might even let you drive his car!

Hope that helps.

Fairenuff · 11/10/2015 01:10
mileend2bermondsey · 11/10/2015 02:17

OP is clearly a moron, leave her to it.

Best of luck with your 21yo man-child baby daddy who you are going to 'change' OP!

WorkingBling · 11/10/2015 02:19

Oops. Typos. Dh is sahd. I earn all the money.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/10/2015 02:53

Wow. Don't fancy yours much, OP.

There's a whole planet full of men out there, and you chose this....? Confused

Good luck when the baby arrives...

CassieBearRawr · 11/10/2015 03:01

It's interesting the OP's responses have turned this into an attitudes towards women vs attitudes towards men thread. That's been happening a lot lately.

wotoodoo · 11/10/2015 03:04

Bahahaha op! You havent even got the baby yet but you are expecting your oh to be the childminder/homemaker when you have just finished training him to use a washing machine???!

What does he think about this? Are you going to pay for his services to look after the baby too and pay him petrol money if he needs to nip to the shops to buy some nappies or take the baby to a toddler group?

You seriously haven't thought this through, have you?!

This is not going to turn out well. The petrol money asking is just one red flag in a mile long red flag bunting which you are choosing to ignore!

Carry on blaming his mother, this seriously is not boding well for a happy home life for your baby Hmm

LineyReborn · 11/10/2015 03:21

Indeed, Cassie. It's a political thread, so to speak.

Spartans · 11/10/2015 03:58

So he is a home maker and you are happy to go straight back to work and work full time and pay for everything? As your dad and your mums husbands do.

Fwiw I find anyone being financially dependent on another person, a bit odd. Unless they are a sahm, even then it's a riskI wouldn't take.

But if it suits you to live like this, with you bank rolling him, Then crack on? Why are you moaning?

Oh and it's not his mothers fault. You are setting yourself up for a difficult life.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 11/10/2015 04:31

He won't change when the baby arrives. Good luck with that.

daisychain01 · 11/10/2015 04:42

I had a feeling this thread wouldn't go well...

Have a happy life OP

CadleCrap · 11/10/2015 05:02

I work, DH is a SAHD. I pay for his days out, just bought him a new kayak and pay for his uni course.

BUT.

He does most of the house work, laundry, shopping and cooks most meals. Takes the kids to school and looks after DD when she is not in pre-school.

So, the answer is, it is not different if the gender roles are reversed. We have a partnership where we both contribute.

You are deluded OP if you think this boy man is going to change.

Good luck with the baby. I hope at least he can find it in himself to change a nappy.

TheLambShankRedemption · 11/10/2015 05:47

In partnerships where one person is earning and paying the bulk of the costs, the lower paid or non earning partner doesn't normally charge taxi fares to the other. That is just plain weird no matter what their gender.

Why don't you add filling up his petrol tank to the list of your costs so he doesn't have to ask for a contribution? Solves everything.

JeanSeberg · 11/10/2015 06:28

I blame her for his behaviour

Always the mum's fault isn't it, never the dad's.

sykadelic · 11/10/2015 06:34

You pay ALL the household bills, but the second he needs to cover a bill (something as little as gas) he expects you to pay your way. I.e. what is yours is his, and what is his is his. You aren't partners, you are being used.

My own dad (who gave me one of his businesses) pays for his wife's university course, driving lessons, food, bills, clothes, days out. Everything. Because she's decided she wants to do a sports degree at 40 and not have a job.

My mum's husband did the same thing for her when she quit her job to do a psychology degree (apart from she paid for the course herself). People think that's so good of them and that they're such good husbands. The views seem to be very different when it's the other way round

Both of these examples, on their face, are very different to the situation you describe with your boyfriend. In your examples it sounds like the people have actually worked and done something productive in their lives and paid their own ways before wanting to do something different. Also likely they didn't just make these decisions themselves and instead did so with the blessing of their spouses.

And no, my response wouldn't be different if the sexes were reversed. My DH's best friend is in a relationship like yours. His girlfriend makes financial decisions for the relationship without any care for the actual effect on the relationship. She quits her job, get's shitty jobs, and expects him to pick up the slack because he earns more. She'll buy stuff and expect him to pay half. It's all kinds of messed up and it's pretty damn obvious without him she wouldn't be making these decisions because she wouldn't have someone to pick up the slack.

To answer your OP, no, YANBU to expect not to pay half. YABU to not realise there is far more wrong with how things are than just him expecting you to pay half for gas. His friends and family are more important than you. It's okay for him to do them "favors" but got forbid he pays his way with you.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 11/10/2015 06:54

He's got it made hasn't he? Doesn't work and gets everything paid for by you or his mum.

So I take it he does all the chores and cooking then yes?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 11/10/2015 06:58

You're deluded if you think a baby will change things. Babies aren't sticking plasters. They test the very bones of your relationship because you're so fucking shattered.

Pseudo341 · 11/10/2015 07:14

When your daughter is born you are going to be working your arse off to support you, your child, and this man. You will be doing all the childcare and all the housework and all the earning too. This man is dead weight and your life will be a lot easier if you just have you and your child to look after without him around.

I seriously hope for your sake I'm wrong but I'd be very surprised if I was. Assuming you're not married I'd be inclined to hold off registering the birth for a while. You have 6 weeks to do it which will give you a chance to see if he's going to step up and do his job as a father or not. If he doesn't you can kick him out, leave him off the birth certificate, and get on with your life. Your child needs to come first and it's going to be hard enough without this freeloader around.

I do genuinely hope I'm wrong and he suddenly turns into the man you want him to be. Good luck OP (meant kindly).

ArmchairTraveller · 11/10/2015 08:00

So the answer is Yes, YABU.
You should pay for his petrol, you pay for everything else.
His mother did everything for him and now you've taken over the role. I wish you years of blissful existence, you and the parasite you have fallen in love with. But it's unfair of you to expect him to change when the baby arrives, he is what he is.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/10/2015 08:06

The things people are prepared to put up with always astounds me.

Penfold007 · 11/10/2015 08:11

OP I really don't understand why you started this post. You are happy to carry a man who you say earns very little in a zero hours job, doesn't do household tasks and expects you to bankroll him - your choice. You can't change him and your wrong to blame his mother. Your father handed you a ready made business a very generous gesture.
If it suits you have your baby and let her father be a sahp, nothing wrong with that if it's what you both want.

Ememem84 · 11/10/2015 08:12

I'd tell him where to go.

I think it's unreasonable to expect you to pay for petrol. But as you pay for everything else probably in his eyesnot unreasonable to ask.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to pay for everything if that's the arrangement you're happy with. But if you want to change things don't just hope got change. Make it.

Stop going to supermarket. Stop buying fags why is he smoking around you anyway??

Tell him to contribute to rent/bills/baby savings etc. Don't ask him. Or suggest it gently. Tell him.