Partner wants me to pay for petrol

[popmama1]

My OH has a car (that FIL bought him and MIL pays the insurance on) and wants me to pay for petrol if he takes me anywhere in it. Bearing in mind the only time he really drives me anywhere is to the supermarket where I pay for all the food shopping and his fags and then back to the flat where I pay all the electric, gas and rent because he's on a zero hour contract and refuses to even try to get a better job. I was learning to drive before I fell pregnant and don't plan on getting a car until after I have our daughter. We got in a genuine argument over whether I should contribute to petrol or not. He doesn't ask his friends or his family to pay if they go out so why should I? AIBU?

This is pretty much the definition of cocklodger, isn't it? Someone who pays their rent using their cock, and does cock all else.

OP, you need to wake up. I can 100% guarantee you that when your DD is born you will be expected to do everything for her while he lazes about. I take your point about marriages where one partner earns and pays for more than the other, but in most cases the trade here is that the one who is not earning picks up the slack in all those other areas where work is needed to keep a household humming - housework, general life admin, childcare, that sort of thing. Relationships where one partner works and the other doesn't but there are no children generally get the same response as the one you are describing here.

From your responses so far it doesn't sound like you are going to listen though. TBH if you are already carrying this manchild's child I can see why you'd want to hope for the best, seeing as you've already irreversibly shackled yourself to him. I hope for your sake that it's you who's right, not the massed ranks of MN bitter experience with manchildren of a similar ilk.

There's a difference between supporting someone to do a degree, than supporting someone who can;t be bothered to gout and find a better job when there's a baby on the way.

I fail to see how you're going to pay for everything on Maternity pay if he isn't contributing.

Why do you want a man that smokes around you and your unborn child?

I'm sure he's great, but on paper he is a lazy smoking freeloader!!!

Agreed Armchair! I'm not sure this case is worth the energy .

There is a world of difference in supporting a partner whilst they train for an alternative career, and one in which a person expects without discussion or consent that someone else will pick up all their expenses simply because of their awesomeness.

I'd be thinking very carefully about this petrol thing, particularly as you are the only one he's charging. I would see that as someone not really liking me very much at all. I would see it as an unnecessarily ridiculous, petty and spiteful thing to do to a pregnant girlfriend.

If you can accept that fine. But otherwise at least consider Ocado.

If he has no money to pay for petrol when he pays no bills whatso ever does that mean his zero contract hours job is gibing him zero work hours?

A partner ship is just that. It should be split. Not you paying everything alongside mummy dearest and him paying nothing.
If he/you can't afford to run the car then you shouldn't have one.

Stop blaming his mother!

'I blame her for his behaviour'

She's not the problem, he is.

If he is an adult, he is 100% responsible for what he chooses to do/think.

Nothing will change until you accept that he could choose to think/act differently, if he wants to.

He's acting like a loser but it's easier to point the finger elsewhere than face up to reality.

Ha ha ha, good luck with this relationship.

armchair are you playing devils advocate here? She does not sound happy if she's on here questioning it, she's had an argument about it with him. He does not ask any friends or family for petrol, just her, when she pays everything fir him. Hopefully she wakes up soon to this situation.

Can't understand why op posted really. She comes on moaning and is now defending him, attention seeking much?

OP he's using you but you seem quite happy to let him, good luck, I think you're going to need it

Op it seems you won't hold this man responsible for anything.

At the very least, and as a start, at least expect him to buy his own fucking fags. If he can't afford to at least you and your baby will be living with a non smoking cocklodger rather than a smoking one.

He is totally disrespecting you, you allow this, so he continues. So what if he asks for petrol, and you say no, I pay for xyz, food your fags,you should at least drive me to the supermarket. You don't charge your friends and family! He has no drive and ambition, as everybody enables his behaviour.

The fag buying would be a simple way for OP to test how important she is to this man (other than the obvious bankrolling). If she stopped buying him cigarettes, his reaction would tell her all she needs to know.

A non abusive man who wanted to continue smoking would find a job that would enable him to have enough money to buy them himself.

An abusive man would bully her into buying them.

But I suspect OP won't do this because she is either too afraid of him or knows that he will show his true colours and is not yet ready to take her head out of the sand.

Nothing will change for her until she is ready to face that. I expect she will be back under a name change within the next 6-12 months and will then be grateful for all the wonderful advice and support that is waiting for her when she is ready to listen.

I have a feeling the OP may revise her ideas when the baby is born.

My SIL spent the best part of 20 years with a complete loser. She organised him, nagged him, basically ran both their lives and only finally lost her temper and kicked him out when they had a baby together and - as had always been the case - he completely failed to step up. The rest of the family were a bit because it's not like she hadn't had years and years to see what he was like before reproducing with him. I can only surmise that having an actual child made her less keen than before to play Mummy to a manchild.

I suspect the OP will do something similar, and no doubt will be back on MN in a couple of years lamenting her feckless, useless deadbeat XP and the way he fails to pay child maintenance.

I agree, I think we touched a nerve, underneath, she knows we are right, but is nit ready yet, to accept it.

OP there a few issues there.

First, yes it is totally OK for one partner to support another. Maybe its so they can retrain (so they can work and maybe earn more money afterwards or so they have a better life-balance etc...). It is also ok for one partner to stay at home. What is common to all that though is that, if one partner is supported by the other, the partner who is supported will give something in return. It might be HW and childcare for a SAHP, more money if you retrain etc... In short, its not a one way system.

Second, if you are living together and will have a child together, finances should be pooled. Maybe not in a 'let's have a joint bank account and share everything' but in a 'let's share the cost of living together so both of us are paying something'. It doesn't mean you have to go 50/50. It means that it's not right for one person to pay for everything (and the worries/organisation/been careful etc that comes with it) and for the other to enjoy a worry free life where they only have to think about themselves.

I know you are saying your DP is learning and that's really great. But if he knows how to put a washing machine for his stuff, why does he not do for you too (and then for his child too)? If he can cook, is he doing the cooking for the hle family?

The issue for me isn't that he doesn't know to do all these things. A lot of 20yo going to Uni don't. My issue is that, at no point in your post, have you said that he is doing something for you or for you as a couple rather than just for himself. That is a sign selfishness and isn't a good quality in anyone (man or woman).

Op all you need to think about is this.

If you have a daughter will you be happy if she ends up in exactly the same kind of relationship your in now?

Or if you have a son,when he's a grown man would you be happy if he behaved like your OH in his relationship with his pregnant partner and his pregnant partner blamed his Mum(you)for the way her partner behaved?

I just don't like it how people are quick to judge and turn on posters of questions like this. I simply asked if I was being unreasonable or not. I have explained that if I didn't pay the bills we would be in debt as he is on a zero hour contract and that a list of what he owes me has been drawn up. I fell in love with him before managing money was even important, you can't just fall out of love with someone just because they're not good with money/can't get a better job. I've said he does stuff around the house for me, I barely do anything. Something he couldn't do before he moved in with me because he was still catered to like a child living with his mum. But so are most people his age still living with their parents, it's sad and pathetic. I just find it wrong how husbands providing for their wives is completely fine but dear lord the world is ending when wives provide for their husbands and the husbands are useless, lazy pigs. No. I wish people could read properly then maybe I wouldn't have been jabbed at. AIBU is a simple yes or no, I didn't ask for a life lesson or a reevaluation on my relationship. Or to be jabbed at for having a baby/being a terrible mother if my husband can't pay bills. Will definitely not be posting on here again.

he was still catered to like a child living with his mum.

So now he is being catered for by his GF instead of his mum

Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Good luck OP you certainly will need heaps of it in the future

This will slowly drive you mad OP. You're not stupid, you're being kind and thinking there must be a reason why he's like it and you can educate him to change.

Unfortunately, having been there, you can't because he doesn't think the way you do. He wants to live a life of self indulgence. He knows what he should be doing as an adult, but he has decided to opt out. He won't suddenly change that mindset because why should he? You pay for everything.

In the end I said to my ex he could be sahd but he couldn't be arsed to do that either and my dd was palmed off on any available grandparent. He didn't do the housework either. Sah parents are usually agreed upon by the couple before it happens. you aren't parents yet and he's decided to pay for nothing before the baby even appears. What about your mat leave? I had a month and had to go back to work when my dd was a couple of weeks old, because we basically had no money and he was not going to provide. Will the same happen to you? It was heartbreaking for me.

It made me feel used and abused. He was nasty if I didn't provide things, would steal my money if I hid it. In the end I realised it was a form of financial abuse. Cocklodging is an amusing term, but unrealistic. There is no good sex in such an unequal relationship.

I would say it was financial abuse. Especially if he has a go if you don't buy him fags/pay for petrol. He is being nasty to get you to pay for everything. This says a lot about his basic personality. Would you ever do that to him? No. Because you are fundamentally different - kind and giving - whereas he is a taker. He has made his choice to be this way, and his mum/you are enabling it.

I would give him an ultimatum. Pay half of the bills or go. If he decides to leave, it proves he doesn't want to give. Simple as that.

Op you asked a question, people basically said no he should not be asking for petrol, when your paying everything, and you flounce off, because it was or the answer you wanted! He has a cheek asking you for petrol when h does nit ask his friends or relatives, he us driving you to the supermarket, to pay for his fags and food. I think we have touched a nerve.

And I bet he'd move straight back in with his parents if you do ask for half the bills...

He does not have to be on zero hours, he Dan better himself by looking fir another job, or getting the skills and training to enable him to, but you said he refuses to. That woukd put me right off, he s happy to live off you, so he does not even have to try to get a better job to provide for his new family. Tell me op, will be a stay at home dad, whilst you work.

popmama, by opening a thread and asking if you're unreasonable, you're inviting our judgment. That's precisely what you're asking for. And the resounding answer is - yes, in the sense that you're being taken for a ride, enabling a dreadful situation and you seem to think having a baby will change this stupid man child. Seriously, 21 years old and can't use a washing machine? Often you don't even need to be able to read to use a washing machine! You just look at the pictures! Literally!

Perhaps when you have the baby and he's a stay at home dad, things will be different. At the moment there's no childcare, and he's living off you with apparently no desire to change his job, even to provide for this baby you are so sure will be his wake up call. Is he going to become a SAHD? Do you honestly think you will come home every day to a well fed, well cared for baby? Or do you think somehow you will end up being the breadwinner AND the main homemaker? If a man won't even run you to the shops to buy shit for HIM, how much do you think he's going to give a family?

You pay for EVERYTHING, even his cigarettes (which he smokes around his pregnant partner!!!) and he's whinging over the pennies it takes to drive you to the supermarket to buy him everything he needs? What does he expect will happen when you're on SMP?

Nobody would be judging if he were a SAHD who did his job, or if he were actively trying to better his situation and contribute as much as possible in the meantime. That's another situation. Not yours.

FWIW I work PT at the moment, despite us having no children. The reason for that is that we're doing major renovations to our house and if I didn't work PT we'd have to hire a project manager out of our post-tax income. As it is, because I'm a contractor I have more flexibility and control than DH and the minor temporary reduction in my income vastly outweighs the money we're saving by having me manage the project and do all the decorating. Effectively when I'm not at work the renovation is my job. If I was just working PT and faffing about the rest of the time while DH put in long days FT I'd feel like a lazy whatsit. There is no double standard just because I'm female.

If for whatever reason you get a kick out of having a cocklodger unambitious and dependent partner then it's your party, do what you like. But don't be surprised if others are a bit at your choice, and don't be surprised if you get a few mutters of 'told you so' when you're complaining in a year's time about how he doesn't step up and you have to do all the child stuff on top of earning all the money.

So you're saying he's doing the lions share around the house? Are we talking cooking, cleaning etc? Is he going to do the majority of the childcare while you work after the baby is born? If this is the case then that's great, but it is a very different picture to the one you originally painted. Of course it's acceptable to swap the traditional gender rolls and have the woman earn while the man keeps house, if that's what you're doing. If that is the case though then yes you probably should contribute to petrol if he can't afford it because that is the agreement you've made, you're the provider he's the homemaker. Probably a good idea to have a long chat about this arrangement before the baby comes so you both know what you're expecting from one another. How exactly does he spend any money he manages to earn though? Do you get a share of that?