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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants me to pay for petrol

257 replies

popmama1 · 10/10/2015 15:09

My OH has a car (that FIL bought him and MIL pays the insurance on) and wants me to pay for petrol if he takes me anywhere in it. Bearing in mind the only time he really drives me anywhere is to the supermarket where I pay for all the food shopping and his fags and then back to the flat where I pay all the electric, gas and rent because he's on a zero hour contract and refuses to even try to get a better job. I was learning to drive before I fell pregnant and don't plan on getting a car until after I have our daughter. We got in a genuine argument over whether I should contribute to petrol or not. He doesn't ask his friends or his family to pay if they go out so why should I? AIBU?

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 11/10/2015 00:07

Don't blame his mum. He's an adult male. Not a bloody dog!

tableanadchairs · 11/10/2015 00:09

Stop right there.

You don't have to but him fags-you don't have to but him food and pay his share of the bills. You chose to do it (MUG). He must have a jewel encrusted cock for you to be putting up with this shite. If you were my DD l would be doing all l could to get you away from him. He won't change

Open your eyes OP, you can't live on love alone money is important especially with a new baby coming along.
You will be much better off financially if the drop the deadbeat entitled man child and bring this baby up on your own.

Bunbaker · 11/10/2015 00:11

You are seeing him through rose tinted spectacles.

"I'm trying to get him out of what she made him."

You won't succeed until you put your foot down. Stop buying his cigarettes and stop paying for petrol. Asking you to pay for petrol when he allows you to ride in his car is not a fair enough request. Book a taxi next time.

He won't get a better job because he knows you will bail him out. He sounds like a waste of space.

Fairenuff · 11/10/2015 00:11

It's good that you love him and want to keep paying for everything OP. Otherwise some other poor mug would be lumbered with him. At least this way you're both happy.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 11/10/2015 00:14

Deniiiiial.

You're allowed to feel like you need/want a baby and/or a 'man' so much that you let yourself be taken for a mug and treated like shit. You can just come out and say it, you know. You don't have to dress it up as it all being 'ok' or his mum's fault. You picked him. You're the one deciding to stay with him.

Original poster
popmama1 · 11/10/2015 00:16

So what about the women (that don't work/barely work) that live off of their partners/husbands? Not that I think it's right but would there be a different response if it was the other way around. If a man wrote this post surely people would be saying 'of course you should pay! She's the homemaker, you should provide everything for her'. Am I right or wrong?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2015 00:17

Is he the home-maker? Does he do the majority of the housework, since he works a lot less than you? Because he isn't a SAHP because you don't have a child yet.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2015 00:20

Frankly, I kick his arse to the county line and walk away. But if you're bound and determined to keep this cocklodger, it's no skin off my nose.

I'd suggest, if you don't feel he should pay half the expenses (he should), that you compute his pro rata share of the household expenses based on his income vs your income and tell him he's responsible for that amount (plus the fags).

You do realize that you'd be way ahead financially without him, don't you? Raising a child is very expensive and unless you make a very good salary the point will come where you are going to have to decide where the money goes; to your child or to him. Having a child has NEVER really changed any woman's man-child and it won't change yours.

SurlyCue · 11/10/2015 00:22

So is he doing all the house stuff? Is he going and doing the grocery shopping himself? Is he posting all the letters and bills off? Is he cooking the dinners?

Any SAHMs i know dont charge their husbands for a lift in their car.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2015 00:22

I can't get over someone posting something which is so blatantly unreasonable then coming back to defend a selfish loser like this.

It seems it doesn't matter how many people say what a waste of space he is you've evidently decided his shortcomings are his mother's fault and that he's an acceptable choice of father for your child.

gamerchick · 11/10/2015 00:22

But IS he the homemaker? What are his redeeming qualities?

Original poster
popmama1 · 11/10/2015 00:23

My own dad (who gave me one of his businesses) pays for his wife's university course, driving lessons, food, bills, clothes, days out. Everything. Because she's decided she wants to do a sports degree at 40 and not have a job. My mum's husband did the same thing for her when she quit her job to do a psychology degree (apart from she paid for the course herself). People think that's so good of them and that they're such good husbands. The views seem to be very different when it's the other way round

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 11/10/2015 00:23

Who will pay the bills when you are on maternity leave/pay?

HirplesWithHaggis · 11/10/2015 00:25

Agree with MrsTP, is he a home-maker?

Either way, if he doesn't ask friends/family for petrol money, as per your OP, how come you don't count in either group?

ilovesooty · 11/10/2015 00:25

He's fallen on his feet with you hasn't he?

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2015 00:26

Xpost. If he truly currently does the lion's share of the housework and plans to do the lion's share of the childcare then I'd say fine, but that he should still contribute to the household expenses based on his income. I have no problem with SAHDs whatsoever. I offered my DH the chance to be a SAHD many years ago when he was made redundant, but he declined.

But something tells me that your DP probably doesn't do the lion's share. Does he?

Arfarfanarf · 11/10/2015 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 11/10/2015 00:29

My OH has more or less completely supported me financially for all but about 9 months of the last three years (when I had a job/was still contributing with money from previous job).

The only reason he was ok with this while I was unemployed, however, was because I emigrated to his country to live with him, and adjusting and finding and maintaining employment was scary and difficult because of the language. I made sacrifices to be here and it was only decent that he supported me while I was struggling with other stuff to do with the decision to move.

He still pays for the majority of rent, bills and food, because I am now studying and so my monthly income is less than half of his. Once I finish my degree I will immediately be earning much more than him, and I will be the one paying more or less all the bills. I have no problem with that, and if he wants to take time to study then because we can afford it, he can.

Neither of us would be OK with the other refusing to bring in a reasonable contribution for no good reason.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 11/10/2015 00:31

As you are now saying you partner's behaviour is reasonable, i am unsure why you are posting.

Your partner seems very immature, and I gather you are considerably older than him, are you prepared to wait for him to grow up?

HirplesWithHaggis · 11/10/2015 00:32

I'm always amused at the term "lion's share" since we all know (male) lions do fuck all hunting, gathering or childcare. Grin

Sorry for slight derail, not a snidey comment at anyone.

Epilepsyhelp · 11/10/2015 00:32

You're ignoring the very obvious point that he's not doing anything in the home!!!

You started this thread because you know it's wrong and pathetic how he is treating you. So some men in your life have older fashioned relationships where they're happy to support their wives. Are you happy to play the role for him? If so give him a petrol allowance to fill his car and don't complain when he takes you for granted as his cash point.

Mermaidhair · 11/10/2015 00:35

Op if you are happy with this sort of behaviour then that's completely ok. But please don't go posting on here complaining about it!! We like to help people who want to be helped.

Fairenuff · 11/10/2015 00:35

Yes but they still take the largest part of the kill Hirples which is why it's called the lion's share.

OP it sounds like you are made for each other which is good because you have many, many more years of this to come.

BreconBeBuggered · 11/10/2015 00:41

If you're happy with the set-up, what's the problem?

Everything else aside, I'd be wondering why I was the only person being asked for petrol money. But I can be snippy like that.

LadyLonely1 · 11/10/2015 00:46

you're actually a big fool. And seems like you want to be too.