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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking Ex to take DS to class as DD needs emergency care

85 replies

Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:00

Been with my sister, let the children play late with their cousins. All in PJ's ready to get in car, saying final goodbyes at 9.30 when DD shrieks and blood is pouring from her finger.

So freaking out child who doesn't remember what happened. Clearly a heavy trauma, 20 mins of getting calpol, ice, pads, calming four children, moving car seat to front seat to have her close on 30 min drive home.
Don't know how it happened but she's severely smashed the nail bed and her finger has split, lots of blood, nail looks dislodged.

Get in at 10.20, carry DS and get him down, and then get DD in, settle her. Call Ex.

Asked him to take DS to class tomo while I take DD to hospital.

Apparently I am deliberately trying to make him feel guilty because he has hired a van to collect furniture 2 hour drive away to help someone.

I said I don't know why I bother asking him to parent as he's always too busy. Had a row. Told him don't worry, I will deal with it. Story of my life.

Should he help me? AIBU?

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2015 23:03

Yes, he should help you. BUT if it can wait till tomorrow, it can probably wait until your DS has gone to school.

grumpysquash · 09/10/2015 23:05

He sounds very rubbish, but seeing as you're not taking DD to hospital tonight, why not drop DS at class in the morning, then take DD to hospital?
I think he should help, TBH, but if it makes things harder then maybe it's not worth it.

Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:05

It's Saturday, sorry, it's a paid for activity class. Does that change it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:05

Oh and DS is 5. So not drop and go.

OP posts:
Spurtle · 09/10/2015 23:06

Tomorrow is Saturday Agent Grin.

He's a dick. Is your DD asleep or should he maybe come now if the pain is keeping her awake?

Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:08

Thankfully she's gone to sleep, the double up of calpol and neurofen plus the fact it was already a very late night running with cousins. She's 8.
I put her in my bed, I reckon on wakings at 1.30 as the calpol wears off Sad

OP posts:
sparkleup · 09/10/2015 23:11

Is your DD his DD? In which case no, YANBU, surely he should worry about his DD now. Having asked that I don't think YABU at all anyway. Unless you've been asking him repetitively to have the kids this weekend and he thinks this is the latest excuse, but something tells me that's not the case in the slightest.

AgentProvocateur · 09/10/2015 23:12

Sorry! Blush too much wine.

Yes, he should definitely step up to the mark and take your DS to class. I hope you have a peaceful night.

hidingmysecrets · 09/10/2015 23:14

Well if you have deemed it not serious enough to go tonight you have several options.
Get up early and go before class
Go after class
Miss class and go then.

If it was tonight I'd expext ex to step up and come do childcare, but since you are waiting until tomorrow and ex already has plans which have cost him money I see his point

hidingmysecrets · 09/10/2015 23:15

I forgot to change my name back. Annoying

gobbynorthernbird · 09/10/2015 23:18

Obviously he should step up, but it's hardly an emergency.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2015 23:25

You have decided it's not an emergency, so I don't think he's being u tbh. His plans cost more than an activity class.
Options - all go before class, or after class, miss class, or during.

Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:27

Part of his argument that he spent money.
Doh. So did I on classes for DC. DD can't go to hers.
9am class, they either both lose their class and I take them both to hospital or he could help.

What would Your other half do? Whether together or separated, what would the man choose to do. Help or not?

He has them EOW, this isn't his weekend.
He didn't ask how she was on the phone either, tho I did explain clearly what had happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:30

Gobby
I haven't treated it as an emergency
Rather a situation that clearly needs hospital action first thing tomorrow.

I think if I'd suggested he collect DS tonight so I could take DD to hosp tonight he'd have a raging fit.
We don't have A&E nearby, only EC which was already closed. I did weigh it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:33

Hmm
Clearly this is bugging me too much.
Going before/after/during class isn't the issue.
EC opens at 8. So I plan to get there ASAP.
I imagine DD will be in pain so after class isn't acceptable to me.

Where is his compassion for his DD

OP posts:
Loftyjen · 09/10/2015 23:34

Can understand why you've left her, but I would've been taking her in tonight - those sorts of injuries need cleaning ASAP & risk infection - sorry, as think ex is BU but think I'd have been asking him to look after DS tonight.

Loftyjen · 09/10/2015 23:37

Just seen your msg re: A&E closure - this would be something to go the distance & take to your nearest 24hr service (where I'm from in Suffolk even the nearest facility is 20miles away so grew up use to idea of travelling for emergency care!).
If you've cleaned and dressed the finger with a dressing that won't stick/leave fluff in the wound(s) then you'll have done as much as you can to minimise risk.

Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:38

She fell asleep in the car, I weighed it up... Two cranky children and waiting for Ex to put in an appearance ....

It's so hard being the one who always has to make the decision. So decision made, I ask for help and get shit in return.

OP posts:
sproketmx · 09/10/2015 23:54

Total dick. Sorry but if I asked either of my exs to take their kids coz one of mine was sick things would juggled to accommodate it. Even if it meant my eldests dad's gf helping out a bit he would make it happen. I dont think it's unreasonable to expect your child's father to step in when he needs to. I think he's unreasonable not to

ohtheholidays · 10/10/2015 00:03

He is BU you aren't,poor DD I hope she manages to sleep through the night for you.

My ex husband wouldn't help out even if it was a real emergency like one of the children had been rushed into hospital.Ever since I've been with my DH he's always stepped in for all 5 of our DC even when we first started dating,yet my ex still can't seem to understand why our 2 sons now 19 and 17 can't be bothered with him and why they call DH they're Dad.

Is there anyone else,a friend,family member,neighbor that could take your litte boy to his class?

Original poster
Changedforthispostobv · 10/10/2015 00:12

DS wouldn't tolerate a neighbour taking him, he's too little and not brave enough. As they get older.... I'm sure it would be different.

My family are 30 min drive away. Ex is 2 min drive. Context - together 18 years, DC were 6 and 3 when he had an affair and left.

I'm all worried about DD. Lying here listening to her sleep, worrying she will wake in the night. I don't mind that, the mum stuff. I do mind his attitude.

OP posts:
Morganly · 10/10/2015 00:18

She doesn't need emergency care. If she did you would be at A&E now. I understand that it's been traumatic and how panic inducing that can be. He hasn't reacted brilliantly, but on the other hand, he does have plans that will not be easy to change and bleeding finger, damage to fingernail might not have registered as particularly serious. He's being unhelpful but not a total unfeeling bastard.

To be honest, your son's class is a tiny tiny concern. Take him or don't, no one will die.

But don't do the unhelpful git any favours any time soon.

HarrietSchulenberg · 10/10/2015 00:25

So, your child doesn't need emergency treatment tonight but you think ex should drop everything to take ds to a non-essential activity tomorrow, losing money and letting a friend down to do so?

YABVU. If it can't wait till after the class then ditch the class and take dd first thing.

hidingmysecrets · 10/10/2015 00:25

If you were as worried as you say you would be at a and e now not at home.
It clearly isn't an emergency situation if you are at home

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2015 00:32

This is about waaay more than your child being injured, isn't it OP?

Your ex is obviously not stepping up to the plate in other ways that need to be addressed.

But for now, this is not an emergency and you can either wait until after the class, or (as I would do) explain to your DS that his sibling is hurt and takes priority over the class.