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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking Ex to take DS to class as DD needs emergency care

85 replies

Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:00

Been with my sister, let the children play late with their cousins. All in PJ's ready to get in car, saying final goodbyes at 9.30 when DD shrieks and blood is pouring from her finger.

So freaking out child who doesn't remember what happened. Clearly a heavy trauma, 20 mins of getting calpol, ice, pads, calming four children, moving car seat to front seat to have her close on 30 min drive home.
Don't know how it happened but she's severely smashed the nail bed and her finger has split, lots of blood, nail looks dislodged.

Get in at 10.20, carry DS and get him down, and then get DD in, settle her. Call Ex.

Asked him to take DS to class tomo while I take DD to hospital.

Apparently I am deliberately trying to make him feel guilty because he has hired a van to collect furniture 2 hour drive away to help someone.

I said I don't know why I bother asking him to parent as he's always too busy. Had a row. Told him don't worry, I will deal with it. Story of my life.

Should he help me? AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2015 00:36

And actually if your family are only a 30 minute drive away, can they not help if they don't have any plans?

Hope your DD has a peaceful night btw

sproketmx · 10/10/2015 00:57

If I'm honest I don't think the issue is whether she needs emergency treatment immediately or not. The man was asked to take his own kid and refused. For that he's a cock.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2015 01:01

Whether he's a cock or not might depend on whether the OP has a history of stating something is an emergency, when it clearly isn't.

There's obviously more going on than just this incident, so I don't think anyone here can reasonably decide that without knowing the 'history', IYSWIM.

sproketmx · 10/10/2015 02:12

I think refusing to do something for your own kid whether it's an emergency or not makes you a cock. I honestly can't count the times I've been running late or forgot something or not been able to make something and had to ask one of mines dad's to do it instead and never once have I ever been met with a response like that. It's his own son, he should be happy to take him.

Booyaka · 10/10/2015 02:26

I agree with Harriet. I think YBVU. He's agreed to help someone with shifting furniture tomorrow going on a long drive. Is he helping someone move house? I suspect that if he dropped everything and came to you he would be dropping a mate right in the shit.

I don't think either of you have dealt with this amazingly. But given you have family half an hour away and it's not been enough of an emergency for you to go to hospital, plus the class is not compulsory and it won't be the end of the world if he misses it, then yes, YABU.

I am still married to my husband but even so I'm realistic enough to know sometimes there are things he just can't change at the drop of a hat if I need a hand. Sorry, YABU.

AnnaMarlowe · 10/10/2015 02:38

I can only assume that if she has seriously damaged her fingernail she's going to be in large amounts of pain.

In these circumstances being able to concentrate solely on the child in question makes a big difference IME.

I'm surprised at people telling you you are unreasonable.

You'll have to take both DC to A&E I think under the circumstances but yes my DH would have found a way to help, even if it wasn't convenient.

Let's face it children never get ill or hurt themselves when it's convenient only when there's something else on!

I hope your DD isn't in too much pain and gets see soon.

I'm sorry your ex is such a dead loss.

madwomanbackintheattic · 10/10/2015 04:17

Lol if she's fine tonight and gone to sleep, she'll be fine in the morning whenever you get her to the walk-in. It's not an emergency, and I wouldn't even have asked the ex to help out, just called him later on tomorrow and let her tell him if it needed stitches or whatever. It sounds like a fairly run of the mill childhood accident if she's gone off to sleep and you stopped the bleeding and deemed it not serious enough to drive to a and e.

You sound as though you are just trying to criticize him for the sake of it. He would be just as reasonable to post that you are deliberately timing your 'emergency' trip for tomorrow because he has booked something else and can't help.

No one is going to die if they miss a Saturday class. If it was that essential to be seen at the hospital, you would already be there. there is really no need for your ex to let his friend down, you are more than capable of getting the 'emergency care' done yourself, and working either round or ignoring ds's class.

I'm sure by the morning the 'heavy trauma' will be considerably less dramatic, and you can have another look and decide if you need to bother going to the hospital or not.

You may well have been U in driving her home and just putting her to bed if it was that serious....

GruntledOne · 10/10/2015 04:52

I get it that it's not an emergency, but what I don't get is that your ex won't even contemplate calling his friend to see if the journey can be put off by a couple of hours or if someone else can take over. It's a pretty unnatural father who would put his friend above his children's wellbeing.

Babbafish · 10/10/2015 06:19

We get stuck in these situations lots... 3 kids one lots of disabilities and dad works 30 minutes away .... Just don't take DS to his class and take them both to A&E. Ex is obviously a knob ... Hence Ex. You don't need him!
It's not a terrible situation ... He's paid for and arranged the moving van.
Far too much stress here !

Senpai · 10/10/2015 06:20

See how it looks in the morning. If it didn't need emergency care tonight, I doubt it's a real emergency. Trim the nail so it doesn't snag and wrap a bandage around it. Take her to the doctor's after class.

poocatcherchampion · 10/10/2015 06:28

I don't think id ask dh to take time off work for this if it happened in the week. So I think yabu

Nb he is not my ex. It just doesn't sound that bad.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 10/10/2015 06:39

If the injury is that bad I would have taken her last night. Don't let her eat breakfast. (If it's as bad as you describe she's likely to need surgery and she'll need to be fasted).
I don't think your DH was being that unreasonable. He doesn't want to let down a friend. But he could have offered to take your son along with him.
Hope your DD is OK today.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/10/2015 06:43

^ this. I agree with PP OP, I think you are looking for an excuse to criticise your ex. A fingernail is not an emergency, so take your DD down to your nearest minor injuries unit today and they will fix her up.

Your DS is just going to have to miss his class this week, a pain for him but that's the way it goes in families sometimes. I'm sure he'll realise hos sisters needs trump his today and will be fine

I too would definitely not ask my DH to change his plans or take time off work for a situation like this, serious emergency of course,minor injury no chance. I would be quite irritated if he couldn't handle something of this nature without me to be honest, so I can see where your ex is coming from. YABU OP, sorry.
Hope DD slept well and gets sorted out this morning

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/10/2015 06:44

sorry my ^ is to poocatcher's post, slow typing on my phone!

lunar1 · 10/10/2015 06:49

The dad has made a commitment to his friend. I'd expect him to cancel in an emergency, but not for an extra curricular lesson. This isn't an emergency, if it was you would have taken her last night directly from your sisters.

SoupDragon · 10/10/2015 06:55

With the injury you describe, I'm surprised you didn't take her last night. (And I say that as a single parent who has both dragged 3 children to A&E and waited til the next day when 2/3 were at school)

I hope your DD is OK this morning and that thing don't look as bad in daylight!

That said, your ex is a twat for not even trying to help or suggest a solution. I rarely bother asking mine.

toastyarmadillo · 10/10/2015 06:57

Agreeing with a previous poster, take her early so you are first in at 8 am and don't let her eat or drink anything just incase. I can see the point others are making, if it was an emergency you would have taken her last night, no matter what, forget the dc classes, health should always come first. It's only one week. Hope it gets sorted out quickly for her

SoupDragon · 10/10/2015 06:57

As an aside, I imagine your DDs finger was probably squashed in a door. She wouldn't necessarily know what had happened as she didn't do anything - she would have just been standing an not noticed her finger was in a door. It's very quick.

futureme · 10/10/2015 06:58

I think yabu. If not ask my husband to change plans of I was married to him for this if he was helping someone move. I think you put him in a really tricky position he couldn't win in.

When it's your weekend its your weekend and you get help as you need and when it's his weekend I wouldn't expect him to ask you to take kods to clubs. He can't really say to his mate sorry can't help you move as I'm now taking kid to football or whatever can he?

I got used to just sorting things when my husband is physically working away and I think hard as it is for a non emergency you need to take a kid with you, or ask family etc.

PatrickJaneIsRedJohn · 10/10/2015 07:07

It's not an emergency. If it was my DH I would have asked him to take the other DC, if he said he had plans I would have just said I would take them both.

Who really cares about a 5 year olds activity, missing one week is not going to stop your child being the next Wayne Rooney or Austin Bolt. Plus I doubt you'd be wasting more than £10.

You want a stock to beat your ex with. He's helping someone move, not sitting on his pants playing xbox.

PatrickJaneIsRedJohn · 10/10/2015 07:09

Usain, autocorrect clearly thinks Austin is better

Also, do we all say 'class' now. I don't think I've ever said I'm taking my child to 'class', it is very American.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 10/10/2015 07:10

I'm sorry about your DD but if it was an emergency you'd have taken her to A&E last night. You obviously didn't consider it an emergency so why should your ex?

I think expecting him to drop his friend in the shit to take your DS to a non-essential class is a bit unfair. Asking him is fine (it would obviously make it easier to only take one child to hospital), but he already has plans. Your DD just has a badly injured finger, it's nothing life-threatening. It would be nice to have his support but I think considering he already has plans, you need to just take DS with you - or get your sister to take him to his class while you take DD to the hospital.

fuctifino · 10/10/2015 07:17

My dd sustained a similar injury at nursery, she was taken straight to hospital where she was operated on.
Hospital visits were twice weekly for a month.
I should forewarn your ex he may need to step and and help!

Babytookacupwoo · 10/10/2015 07:27

But surely it's no big deal for him to take the other child along on his furniture road trip? That's what my dad would've done and my husband I suspect. I would say yabu to insist he takes DS to the class (well, it's not something you can insist on) but not U to expect him to take DS

Hope DD is ok

pinkprimroses · 10/10/2015 07:33

I think you were fine to ask. But he has plans which he reasonably enough considers are more important that a 5 year olds activity class. If DD seems bad this morning, take both of them with you to A&E. If she seems OK-ish then go after the class.

I've been a single parent. It does, often, mean taking both kids with you when you'd rather just take one. Because you and your ex are kind of timeshare parents, rather than a team.

But that's just life, and it can be much less stressful to just accept that you need to handle two at once, and sometimes one will miss out for the sake of the other. The less you expect of your ex, the less room there is for disappointment.

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