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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking Ex to take DS to class as DD needs emergency care

85 replies

Changedforthispostobv · 09/10/2015 23:00

Been with my sister, let the children play late with their cousins. All in PJ's ready to get in car, saying final goodbyes at 9.30 when DD shrieks and blood is pouring from her finger.

So freaking out child who doesn't remember what happened. Clearly a heavy trauma, 20 mins of getting calpol, ice, pads, calming four children, moving car seat to front seat to have her close on 30 min drive home.
Don't know how it happened but she's severely smashed the nail bed and her finger has split, lots of blood, nail looks dislodged.

Get in at 10.20, carry DS and get him down, and then get DD in, settle her. Call Ex.

Asked him to take DS to class tomo while I take DD to hospital.

Apparently I am deliberately trying to make him feel guilty because he has hired a van to collect furniture 2 hour drive away to help someone.

I said I don't know why I bother asking him to parent as he's always too busy. Had a row. Told him don't worry, I will deal with it. Story of my life.

Should he help me? AIBU?

OP posts:

MsJamieFraser · 10/10/2015 07:40

Tbf I would have took her last night, dd did this and he ended up needing the top of his finger amputated. His didn't even look too bad, but it was.

BrandNewAndImproved · 10/10/2015 07:42

My ex is really good at last minute issues like this. He probably would of took dd to a&e tonight while I stayed home. He would also arrange an alternative like his dm or db if I was stuck and he had prior commitments.

Your ex is being unhelpful, but I can also see his pov. Hope you've managed to get something sorted and your dds ok.

Spartans · 10/10/2015 07:43

I think the issue here is saying its and 'emergency' when asking him to step in and help. Buts its not an emergency or it would being dealt with tonight.

I can't say whether he is bu or not as I don't know the background. For example there may be many times that the OP does this or he maybe a shit who never has his kids overnight and never helps out.

If the child can sleep with the pain then it's probably not as bad as the OP thinks.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 10/10/2015 08:06

If I had the choice as a parent of either taking my ds to a planned activity or being the only person who could help a friend as the van is hired in my name and Id already agreed to that then I would prioritise the friend. I would think the ds could miss his activity as a one off.

Obviusly if someone was iller, or there was nobody to look after the ds then I would prioritise them. But that isn't the situation.

Hope your dd is ok.

DoreenLethal · 10/10/2015 08:14

It is not unreasonable for a father to look after his own child whilst a mother takes the other child to the hospital, no. He could easily have taken the child with him for the day.

TeacupDrama · 10/10/2015 08:14

My DH would not cancel furniture move but would take DS with him in the van DS would probably love being in van, I would not ask my own perfectly reasonable DH to cancel on a friend for the sake of an activity class, in our house the order of priority would be

Take DD to minor/ injuries or doctor
DH doing friend promised favour
DS activity

Even if I was ill and couldn't take a child to activity I would not expect DH to stop doing 2 so D's could do 3 he would just stay home and I'd switch cbeebies on,
I would only expect the furniture move to be altered for immediate emergency or something really important and unforeseen I just can't see how an activity would ever involve cancelling a prior arrangement, asking ex to look after D's while you take did for treatment is reasonable, however Yabu to expect him to cancel on his mate

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 10/10/2015 08:23

Hope your DD is okay this morning and it's not too serious.

I don't think your ex is BU and I don't think you are either. Unfortunately, when parents are split they have difficulty seeing things from their ex's POV. Which is when tempers flare.

I agree with PPs, get your sister to take DS to class or mind him for you and take DD to doctors/A&E. If that's a no go then you will have to take both children with you.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 10/10/2015 08:25

Makes me furious. Just because he is no longer living with them, doesn't mean he isn't still just as responsible. They should be his first priority, just as they are yours. And why wouldn't he drop everything without a fuss to help his children, particularly when one is hurt? It's what he'd have to do if he lived with them; being non-residential shouldn't alter that in the slightest!

You are there for them 24/7 whilst he just has to look after them every other weekend. Has he already forgotten how hard it is to parent two small children? Some parents who leave become as selfish as their pre-children days.

(And I say this as someone who has a fantastic husband who does more than his fair share - and loves it!)

BarbarianMum · 10/10/2015 08:31

I think,on balance, YABU. This isn't your dd's finger vs helping a friend move, it is a Saturday activity vs helping a friend move. Last time I hired a van it cost well over £100 plus the friend may be truly stuffed if your ex pulls out now.

Clearly there is a history here but in this instance I don't think is being unreasonable.

Hope your dd is OK

fastdaytears · 10/10/2015 08:31

He should have offered to take your DS with him for the day so you could focus on DD.

This activity class is the least important part of the whole equation and I think that's what's confusing.

If DS spending the day in a van/missing his class isn't acceptable to you then you do have a lot of family around by the sounds of it and a 30 min drive isn't much.

I don't think it's the money of the van that's relevant really. If I was moving house (and moving house makes me crazy) and someone promised to help then had to take their kid to baby-football or something I'd be a bit . If the person was in hospital with their kid is understand.

BojackHorseman · 10/10/2015 08:47

What if there's no space in the van for DS?

Sorry OP but I'd prioritise a friend moving house too.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 10/10/2015 08:55

I think this is probably more about the fact that ex doesn't step-up in general, and if he did, OP wouldn't be bothered about him not being able to help today.

Yes, it would be nice for him to take DS to help out, but maybe it's not possible (lack of space, for example) and his friend probably can't afford to lose the money he's spent on hiring a van. They're expensive! Plus if he's collecting furniture, this might be the only chance he can do it with work etc.

I assume though, that there's a backstory here.

ginmakesitallok · 10/10/2015 08:57

I think yabu. If finger is as bad as your op suggested then you should have gone to a&e last night. Your ex has plans which are more important than a planned activity. Either planned activity is missed and you take both to a&e, or (given that you've waited this long already!) A&e can wait.

DoreenLethal · 10/10/2015 08:58

I think,on balance, YABU. This isn't your dd's finger vs helping a friend move, it is a Saturday activity vs helping a friend move.

No it isn't! It is about a father looking after a child whilst the mother is taking the other one to the hospital. The activity is a red herring.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/10/2015 09:03

Hope your dd is feeling ok this morning. If the injury is a severe split to the finger/nailbed which I thought needed stitching/gluing I would have been in a&e last night as any delay will make treatment harder.

If it doesn't need stitching/gluing you have the options to go before/miss class/go after. Yabu to expect ex to change plans to fit in with a non emergency.

pinkprimroses · 10/10/2015 09:11

Doreen The activity is the only reason the OP can't just take both children with her. It's perfectly acceptable to turn up at a minor injuries clinic with a younger child in tow.

fastdaytears · 10/10/2015 09:20

Minor Injuries will be full of bored siblings today. Take an iPad.

fastdaytears · 10/10/2015 09:20

The OP hasn't said she doesn't want to take DS to the clinic- just that she doesn't want him to miss his activity

Original poster

Changedforthispostobv · 10/10/2015 09:45

So it seems I wasn't being U
He txt first thing to say he'd collect DS while I take DD.

She has a large dressing and have to watch closely for infection. As the blood escaped the nail is at less risk.
She had a reasonable night.

She was seen and cleared and we arrived at DS class half way so Ex was on his way again 20 minutes later.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 10/10/2015 09:58

So glad she didn't need anything major done to it!

What a relief it all turned out OK.

lexigrey · 10/10/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/10/2015 10:14

Looks like it has worked out OK. Hope DD's finger heals well.
Maybe your ex is a bit like me and DH. We both need a bit of time to get our heads around a sudden change of plan. You had had time to assess the situation and make a plan but your ex had no warning and may have just needed a few minutes to think. Once he had thought about it, he did do what you wanted.

goawayalready · 10/10/2015 10:16

sorry you don't stop being a parent just because you don't live with the children

it wasn't a big ask it didn't take long and him bleating about being made to feel guilty was unhelpful at best although as a single parent sometimes it is quicker to do it yourself

a couple of weeks ago my ex sent his son home at the usual time (7pm) the message i got was he has a temp of 38 and swollen glands then they left me to it i don't have a car and out of hours could only get me in at quarter to ten at night he needed antibiotics but again no car so i had to get them the following morning after i dropped him off at school now im not being funny but he rang me at five and told me he was refusing food so why refuse to give him any kind of treatment for two hours? not even a scrap of calpol was given to an obviously sick child because it was HIS time he has two other adults in the house they all have cars it wouldn't have killed them but i had to suck it up and do it all myself walking because i can't actually drive

im guessing your ex talked to someone who pointed out to him the reality of helping out with his own children for a few minutes would be in the child's best interests

seriously people its not that hard to remember children should always come first

AnnaMarlowe · 10/10/2015 11:02

Change I'm pleased your wee girl is ok and also that your ex came through in the end.

Original poster

Changedforthispostobv · 10/10/2015 11:45

So it seems I wasn't being U
He txt first thing to say he'd collect DS while I take DD.

She has a large dressing and have to watch closely for infection. As the blood escaped the nail is at less risk.
She had a reasonable night.

She was seen and cleared and we arrived at DS class half way so Ex was on his way again 20 minutes later.

OP posts:

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