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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner called me ungrateful.

226 replies

HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:10

Him and I have different outlooks on gifts and I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm a bitch.

A few things led him to call me this. Firstly, my in laws bought us some baby stuff when my son was born. I left it at their house (in my partners old room) as we didn't need it and we don't have a lot of space at our house for unnecessary things. They recently found it and got upset that we hadn't used it. I'm of the impression that you can give someone a gift, great, but they are under no obligation to use it. Especially if they haven't said they needed it.

Another few examples. My sister asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her what I wanted and she got me something else (same price) because that's the thing she liked. I was miffed because I didn't like it, nor did I need it. She was upset because I didn't like it. My partner once again said I was horrible and that I should be grateful. She shouldn't have bloody asked me what I wanted if she wasn't going to get it!

Lastly my gran bought something age innapropriate for my baby. I thanked her and said he wouldn't be able to use it just yet as it was a choking hazard. She exclaimed she could never do anything right and took the bloody gift back!!

So yeah, aibu or is he?

OP posts:
PacificMouse · 09/10/2015 21:17

redexpat I agree with you. The OP's reaction is very logical and makes sense.

However, it IS rue that 'social rules' says that you are supposed to keep a gift, bring it back home and the regift/sell/give to charity as to not hurt the feelings of the giver.
The cot would have been hard anyway.

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 21:20

I think I might try the game. Between you and I, upon looking at it later it looked kind of fun. My immediate reaction was just one of annoyance because she'd asked what I wanted and I was looking forward to receiving it.

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/10/2015 21:36

Op, if the game is Cards Against Humanity then I highly recommend trying it! Best adult game ever Grin

bialystockandbloom · 09/10/2015 21:41

mileend I assume that cuntycow was referring to comments of yours such as "I cant comprehend how anyone, ASD or not, can get to adulthood without being able to understand that you dont abandon a gift in the gift givers house because you think its 'unnecessary'." when she called you uneducated.

Because, you know, you being unable to comprehend how ASD can affect a person in such a way doesn't mean ASD doesn't affect a person in that way - it just shows that you aren't really demonstrating much knowledge of ASD. Which is fine, no reason why you should know about it. But it is a pretty good reason why your comments are kind of irrelevant though.

sleeponeday · 09/10/2015 21:42

I'd love to see the reactions on here if someone posted,

"MIL is appalled by my choice to co-sleep and bought us a cot, which she now expects us to use. AIBU to leave it quietly unassembled?"

Or, "GM bought something that's dangerous for babies, and then became angry when I wouldn't immediately let him play with it, explaining it would be lovely when he was a little bigger".

Let alone, "DSis asked what I wanted for my birthday, but when the time came, she bought something she wanted for herself instead. AIBU not to feel very grateful?"

OP, a great strength of people on the spectrum, in my experience, is how patient and tolerant you are when people disagree with you.

Also very entertained by some of those attacking your courtesy levels on here. There posts and your gracious, calm responses show the truth rather neatly.

YANBU, I don't think, because the rule of thumb is to appreciate the thought behind a gift, not the suitability. You did that where appropriate, in my view. It's just that one thought was controlling, one was selfish, and one was thoughtless and then angry when you couldn't use the gift there and then.

sleeponeday · 09/10/2015 21:46

mileend2bermondsey if you can't cope with people saying things you find unpleasant, why say such unpleasant things yourself? The lack of logic should be plain.

magoria · 09/10/2015 21:49

If the gifts were that important to your DP from his parents why was he not packing them up and bringing them back? Why was it your job to do so?

Your gran brought an inappropriate present. You may have been able to phrase it better however you were not in the wrong to say a 10 month old could not yet use it.

You sister is someone who buys what she likes thinking others will. You should have just smiled and said thanks for the gift.

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 21:50

Thanks for all the nice responses. I don't mind the mean ones, they don't understand how ASD affects me hence their replies. Of all the people in the world I know what's it's like to not understand something so I'm not fussed.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 09/10/2015 21:51

magoria I think her sis actually bought it for herself, using the "gift to Hodge" as an excuse?

I smiled and thanked my in laws and my gran. Not so much my sister because she only bought it so she could use it.

CrapBag · 09/10/2015 21:51

Colouring pencils for a 10 month old! Ffs, how she could get offended by you not giving your baby that I don't know.

Your DH is being unreasonable by calling you ungrateful.

What game is it? Doesn't matter when it's something that you don't wan but your sister does, that is blatantly her just doing it so she can borrow it and never return it.

PacificMouse · 09/10/2015 21:57

OP have you asked your DP why he didn't bring the cot etc... back home if he thought it was so important to do so?

Or is the problem that his parents have had a go at him and he now feels it's easier to blame you because of ther AS (and therefore you can be rude, you don't know social rules etc...)?

Sorry I might be completely wrong but it annoys me that you are the only one held responsible for that.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 21:59

OP you are a lovely and much bigger person than I am. I think you have been extremely gracious on this thread

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 22:02

I told my partner it made more sense to leave the things there and he didn't seem to have a problem at the time. But he's now saying that it bothered him and he just didn't say anything.

I think the game was called Cranium.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 09/10/2015 22:03

That is completely his fault. You aren't a mind reader.

Cranium is brilliant btw! Love that game. Give it a go but I am a game person anyway, I love them.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2015 22:04

What Cunty said again. Cunty, I like you Smile.

One of the absolute pleasures of ASD as far as I can tell is not giving a fuck. If used wisely Wink

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 22:06

Always happy to make a new friend MrsC Grin

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 22:07

Thanks cunty

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 22:08

Be more Tom people

Partner called me ungrateful.
ilovesooty · 09/10/2015 22:09

I agree with cunty

I was all set at the beginning to tell you you were BU but I'm glad I didn't. You've behaved far better than those who've been so rude.

bialystockandbloom · 09/10/2015 22:16

Good for you OP you've been far more restrained than most of us here Flowers I love Cranium too, it's great - give it a go!

Unlike pp like me, oh and cuntycow but then with a name like that what would you expect Grin

Btw cuntycow and mrsc you two rock

bialystockandbloom · 09/10/2015 22:18

Am I the only one sniggering at "thanks cunty" and "cunty I like you" type comments

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 22:21

I'm all class me Grin

In my defence I name changed when a poster called me this during an argument on a thread. Funnily enough she was spouting some rather nasty things regarding ASD on that thread.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 22:23

Actually in truth it does make me wince a bit to see "thanks cunty" or someone responds on a particularly serious thread. Grin

Original poster
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 22:24

Someone called you a "cuntycowfacemonkey?" What amazing imagination some people have in their insults.

OP posts: