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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner called me ungrateful.

226 replies

HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:10

Him and I have different outlooks on gifts and I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm a bitch.

A few things led him to call me this. Firstly, my in laws bought us some baby stuff when my son was born. I left it at their house (in my partners old room) as we didn't need it and we don't have a lot of space at our house for unnecessary things. They recently found it and got upset that we hadn't used it. I'm of the impression that you can give someone a gift, great, but they are under no obligation to use it. Especially if they haven't said they needed it.

Another few examples. My sister asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her what I wanted and she got me something else (same price) because that's the thing she liked. I was miffed because I didn't like it, nor did I need it. She was upset because I didn't like it. My partner once again said I was horrible and that I should be grateful. She shouldn't have bloody asked me what I wanted if she wasn't going to get it!

Lastly my gran bought something age innapropriate for my baby. I thanked her and said he wouldn't be able to use it just yet as it was a choking hazard. She exclaimed she could never do anything right and took the bloody gift back!!

So yeah, aibu or is he?

OP posts:

c4kedout · 09/10/2015 19:17

nothing to do with ASD. my DD is severely autistic and even she has better manners.

ridiculous to suggest that ASD causes your rudeness.

Doobigetta · 09/10/2015 19:17

My step-SIL did exactly this with some (very expensive) clothes my Mum had got for her baby. Are you her? If so, you're a rude, ungrateful cow. Mum spent ages picking those bloody clothes, and she was incredibly hurt. If it helps, everyone else in the family has strongly suggested she never spend another penny or second on you and your kid.

Greengardenpixie · 09/10/2015 19:18

You are very rude.
I wouldnt get you anything EVER with that attitude.
Surprised you still receive anything.
Remember about hearing about woman at my work that recieved a dinner set as a wedding present. She bluntly told the staff she didnt like it and they returned it for something else. Bloody cheek!

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2015 19:20

Hodge, I think it's a good thing you made your OP because sometimes a different perspective helps although sometimes it's been a little harsh! You asked upthread what you are supposed to do when somebody buys you something you specifically didn't want. I have been in just this situation...my ex-h bought me an i-pod years and years ago despite the fact that I told him over and over I didn't want one he wanted one. I bought him a lawnmower

Senpai · 09/10/2015 19:27

Even with ASD by the time you're an adult you should have a basic formula.

Smile and say thank you.
Insist you love it and say something nice about.
Take it home and secretly give to charity.

I have a cousin with ASD, he won't always say thank you or give an expression when opening but he'll hoard gifts and keep them around because they were gifts. He is good about coming up later and saying he likes it though and using it while we're there or putting it in plain site, I think he just doesn't like an audience watching him open a present.

Point is, ASD isn't an excuse to say you don't like something. You might want to get the hang of it before your child gets bigger and thinks you don't like their gifts... and there will be a lot of pointless/weird ones. I got my dad a pog set growing up thinking he'd love it (and he did enjoy playing with me).

But the last one I don't think is rude at all, I've told people the same thing with gifts for DD. Actually I tell people in advance not to get her small things because the world is still her free for all buffet. But if they do, I tell them she'll love this in a few months when she's not sticking things in her mouth. Or if it's only a few pieces, I take the choking hazards and lose them put them away for when she's older. But there is that expectation that children need to play with new toys right then, so it is good to let them know she can't play with it because of something impersonal (choking hazard) instead of letting them think you just don't like it.

JustAWeeProblem · 09/10/2015 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inneedofadvice553 · 09/10/2015 19:32

some people don't get gifts at all.... how rude, ungrateful and spoilt. clearly you are used to a life of plentiful. spend some time with the less unfortunate and become more gracious

JustAWeeProblem · 09/10/2015 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PegsPigs · 09/10/2015 19:33

Yes it would help to know what the things were in each case because there is some grey area that you may have not been being unreasonable.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 19:35

Gosh c4kedout I hope your dd encounters kinder more understanding people as she grows up. A child with ASD becomes an adult with ASD one day you should remember that when intolerant people make comments about aspects of your dd's condition when she is in her 30's.

Quiero · 09/10/2015 19:40

The OP never said or implied that having ASD excuses her being rude. She asked whether she was being rude or not and said that having ASD makes it hard for her to tell what is or isn't an appropriate reaction.

Can I also point out that ASD is a spectrum disorder, which means that everyone will have a different experience and face different challenges. Comparing your friend, auntie or even yourself means fuck all.

It's like me comparing myself to all other people with blonde hair. Wind your necks in.

Exadmissions · 09/10/2015 19:42

I dont see the point of a lot of things and very probably have ASD as I tick many boxes and am seeing a psychologist currently. But what I have learned is that to not piss people off I have to say exactly the opposite of what I want to.

E.g do you like my new shoes? my actual answer should be no I don't. My given answer is yes. My actual thoughts are they are shoes why would you ask.

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/10/2015 19:52

wizard's cape.

derxa · 09/10/2015 19:53

oh give over. You are very rude and goady. We don't know if you have ASD or not.

DoJo · 09/10/2015 19:56

His parents bought me a cot when I told them we didn't need one as we were bed sharing. They bought it because they didn't agree with my decision.

Perhaps they thought that you weren't giving your husband a say - the way you have worded this suggests that the decision was yours and the gift was for you, as opposed to the baby. They might have been concerned that bed-sharing wouldn't work for you (it doesn't for everyone, no matter how much they want it to) and wanted you to have a fall-back option just in case, or for the odd night that you or your partner might have wanted a drink or similar. Either way, leaving it at their house was a pointed rejection of such a gift, and really made it clear to them that their input was neither needed nor welcome.
I don't understand how this has all come down on your shoulders though - surely if they gave a cot, it was to all of you, and if it was left at their house, how did your husband not realise and ensure that he took it home to ensure that their feelings weren't hurt? I don't think you can be blamed for lack of gratitude when he clearly didn't think to take the blooming thing with him either.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 19:59

Her partner is a grown man he doesn't need mummy sticking her beak in. If he's not happy about a parenting decision that's between him and the OP

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/10/2015 20:01

Don't be a dick doobigetta. Absolutely no need for that, especially since the op has explained more why she finds these interactions difficult.

sleepyelectricsheep · 09/10/2015 20:04

"I can't wrap my brain around why what I did was wrong"

To the person who bought the gift, it feels like rejection.

Part of the pleasure of buying gifts for people - particularly newborn babies IME - is imagining how they'll really love it / the baby will look cute in it / play with it and maybe even develop a love of [insert the toy theme here - music/art/animals/nature/space etc etc]. That last one is getting a bit carried away there, but some of us present givers like to indulge in these little fantasies in our heads. (Or maybe it's just me )

When a person then metaphorically throws the gift back at you (as in your first and last examples) then it's a huge disappointment, it makes you feel rejected, that you've failed. And the little fantasy about the gift recipient loving the present is replaced by a feeling of sadness.

Also, it's not playing by the gift giving "rules" so when you've been so rude to the giver (albeit unwittingly - but they don't know that) then they probably don't really know how to react, which makes their disappointment harder as they also feel a bit taken back and surprised.

That might sound all a bit OTT, but I'm trying to get across why it matters to people.

Senpai · 09/10/2015 20:06

I dont see the point of a lot of things

Most NT people don't. They just sort of roll with them.

do you like my new shoes? my actual answer should be no I don't. My given answer is yes. My actual thoughts are they are shoes why would you ask.

I skirt by with a non-answer if I don't like them. "Oh! Look at those! Where did you get them?"

I'm also a terrible liar adhd makes it hard to keep face expression under control so most friends just don't ask unless they actually want the truth.

mileend2bermondsey · 09/10/2015 20:06

my in laws bought us some baby stuff when my son was born. I left it at their house (in my partners old room) as we didn't need it and we don't have a lot of space at our house for unnecessary things
Quite honestly one of the rudest things I have ever heard. I am shocked how youve managed to get this far in life without understanding what a disgustingly rude and hurtful thing that is to do.

Quiero · 09/10/2015 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/10/2015 20:12

Why don't people ever rtft?!

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 20:15

cause they're fucking stupid and only interested in what they have to say

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2015 20:17

Christ on a bike! Give her a break!!!

Viviennemary · 09/10/2015 20:17

You are ungrateful and a bit rude as well. Still nobody's perfect.

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