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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner called me ungrateful.

226 replies

HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 18:10

Him and I have different outlooks on gifts and I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm a bitch.

A few things led him to call me this. Firstly, my in laws bought us some baby stuff when my son was born. I left it at their house (in my partners old room) as we didn't need it and we don't have a lot of space at our house for unnecessary things. They recently found it and got upset that we hadn't used it. I'm of the impression that you can give someone a gift, great, but they are under no obligation to use it. Especially if they haven't said they needed it.

Another few examples. My sister asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her what I wanted and she got me something else (same price) because that's the thing she liked. I was miffed because I didn't like it, nor did I need it. She was upset because I didn't like it. My partner once again said I was horrible and that I should be grateful. She shouldn't have bloody asked me what I wanted if she wasn't going to get it!

Lastly my gran bought something age innapropriate for my baby. I thanked her and said he wouldn't be able to use it just yet as it was a choking hazard. She exclaimed she could never do anything right and took the bloody gift back!!

So yeah, aibu or is he?

OP posts:
HodgePodge23 · 09/10/2015 22:25

Yeah I felt silly writing thanks cunty. Ahh well!

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 22:26

Yup, she was dead serious about it too. Was such a fantastic insult I decided to wear it with pride!

ilovesooty · 09/10/2015 22:28

I remember that Grin

bialystockandbloom · 09/10/2015 22:30

When younger and pissed playing a silly 'name game' thing (where you put names in a hat and have to read them out to your partner) DP would always write "mr cunty cunt". Still makes me laugh Blush

I almost chose it as my MN name at one point, thank god I didn't now as so many "cuntys" on one thread might get a bit ridiculous Grin

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 22:34

I thinks MsCuntyCunt has a lovely ring to it Grin

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2015 22:35

Got to 46 and never had a fistbump! I want to say "rock on" or something shite. Thanks Cunty and Bial. You'd make a fine double act Grin Flowers

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/10/2015 22:39

.

Partner called me ungrateful.
PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/10/2015 23:07

I've never had a fistbump. Not like I'm asking for one or anything... Sad

bialystockandbloom · 09/10/2015 23:35
bialystockandbloom · 09/10/2015 23:37

Is it just me but is "fistbump" seeming weird to look at now?

It's just me I think had wine

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2015 00:13

Yabvvvu, you sound very rude and ungrateful, nobody will get you anything. Just smile, thank them and give them away or keep them for later.

sleeponeday · 10/10/2015 00:19

Aero as you are usually a very kind poster, I'm going to assume you've not read the thread? I'd recommend it, here.

Quiero · 10/10/2015 01:06

Thank you sane posters for coming and rescuing this thread. Much love to you all

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/10/2015 01:23

Sorry cowface didnt realise ASD was a carte blanche to be rude as hell to everyone.

At least Ive learnt something new today, thanks!

Assuming you don't have ASD, Mileend (I'm wondering if you actually do? Undiagnosed, perhaps?), what's your excuse for being rude as hell on this thread...?

You're one of those people who think it's just dreadful to be rude IRL, but Internet forums are carte blanch to be rude as hell.

A bit of self-awareness wouldn't go amiss.

Fratelli · 10/10/2015 07:00

I've now rtft and I still think it was rude! I understand someone with ASD may not understand that as the op has said. However, she asked if it was rude/ungrateful and it would be a lie to say no.

Spartans · 10/10/2015 07:09

The issue is here that the OP says her family knows how she is, so gets her something she has said she wants. So it has been an issue before. But her family have found a way round it, rather than guiding her with dealing with it.

The OP is interacting with lots of people everyday and needs to understand certain social expectations. I don't get most of them, I have aspergers. But, as I said before, I take social clues from others.

At 10 mum bought me a stripy dressing gown. I opened it and thought it was towels my response was 'oh lovely a set of towels' instead I was thinking 'what?'. Because I had taken social queues of thanking people for presents.

The OPs partner has noticed a pattern and told her. The OP still won't have it. I also think that the Op is now trying to adding bits to justify the reasons why it is reasonable to do what she did. she left an outfit that wasn't weather appropriate, or fiddly. I think she was pissed about the cot so left the stuff to be a bit PA.

It's not easy navigating the world for some of us, so we have to watch others and put our feelings to the side sometimes. Everybody does this to some degree.

diddl · 10/10/2015 07:40

Well I don't think that what the OP did was that bas, as I put earlier.

I mean if you can't express disappointment to your own sister when they have asked & ignored what you said, when can you?

GM bought something that could be used straightaway & something that couldn't. Maybe OP could just have held onto the crayons rather than be so direct, but also there was no need for the GM to react how she did.

Leaving stuff at the ILs that you think you won't use-well I'm assuming that OPs partner is pissed off now as he has had it in the neck from his mum!

As previously said, he ould have taken the stuff if he either wanted it or wanted his mum to think that it was wanted!

Spartans · 10/10/2015 07:49

Also is there a chance your sister is ASD?

PacificMouse · 10/10/2015 08:01

I still have an issue with the Ozp's DP.
DH has AS and would probably do what the OP has done if left to his own devices.
If my parents had done that, he would have taken his clues from me and would have expected me to take the decision. My parents, my decision how to deal with unwanted gifts (the cot WAS clearly a dig or at least 'I don't think you have any idea of what you are doing and I know you'll need that).
So why why why did her partner not say anything at the time?!? Aury he k ew his parents round be very upset? As the OP said, it's not as if she hid the stuff.

Fratelli · 10/10/2015 08:03

PacificMouse - I agree with you, her DP should be more helpful

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/10/2015 09:41

nothing to do with ASD. my DD is severely autistic and even she has better manners

ridiculous to suggest that ASD causes your rudeness

ASD can cause social and comunication issues unsure what the dx criteria is these days but you used to have to have significant s & c problems to even get an assesment last time I had cause to utilise that process. manors and the way you talk to people are in essence social and communication things, it is not a stretch to understand that people with ASD may come across as different socially or when they comunicate.

People without issues in genral like things to follow patterns we call them good manors and do not tend to like things that deveate from our traditionally accepted way,they call that rudeness. So yes ASD can in many cases be a reason for rudeness.

op one of my kids (on the surface he appears to be the one least effected by ASD but in reality he has more subtle issues that can cause huge huge problems) has fairly recently started attempting to wear real clothes he previously lived in onesies, the clothing he can cope with is hard to find because we have to be very careful with fabrics and seams, his taste favours something called steam punk.

I'm not a very fashion aware type person and I struggle with working out what look is what but for his birthday I worked very hard trying to find lots of stuff he would like,I went a bit crazy amount wise because I was trying to get him enough to replace his entire wardrobe, and I paid one of his carers and their same aged child to come shopping with me so the kid could help me find stuff for him that was the look he wanted and would be trendy in those circles. To do so I had to take 2 days off work sort out carers to look after the other children and have the little ones with an overnight nanny, it was a fair bit of faff but we got a really healthy amount and I was very pleased with my efforts and couldn't wait for him to open them and be pleased. [epic fail at the point that I hoped this]

So his birthday arrives he opens everything most of the items get blank face no response at all (this is normal) one item gets "that is ugly,I will not use it,what is its purpose,why would you think I would want that" and then he says "where is the book, you haven't got the book,you are meant to get the book" he became quite agitated all whilst I'm sat their thinking RUDE RUDE RUDE and what the fuck is the book, what book.

It turns out he was expecting a picture book because he has had one every year for as long as he can remember and he thought getting a picture book was in the rules.

On the upside it is now not unusual to see him sat in his room wearing a very strange combo of top hat,skeleton bones Tshirt,cargo trousers and a cane.

He also now has card prompts that he can use to try and stop his instant really fucking rude response in plesant giving situations. Oddly one of them says "do not leave the gift behind"

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/10/2015 09:47

Oh for what it's worth. People often in the run up to gift giving times may talk about a perticular item or thing. This often means one of a few things.

  1. They have already brought it for you and are pleased with the choice.
  2. They want to buy it for you and are attempting to work out if you have it already.
  3. They would quite like it themselves and are dropping you a hint.

It would be unusual for someone (assuming they are plesant and an adult) to get you something they are solely getting because they want it without at least believing you would like it as well. So it is quite likely your sister was doing 1 or 2

bialystockandbloom · 10/10/2015 12:35

quiero you've spoken a lot of sense on this thread too Smile

Fatmomma99 · 10/10/2015 13:05

This thread has twisted and turned quite interestingly. I'm glad I stuck through it. Initially I def thought it was a BU, but now...

Actually, I think the cot thing was very PA and horrible. When my DD was born we didn't want her just playing with traditional "girl" toys, and tried to give her a mix. We also deliberately avoided guns. If someone hadn't known, and brought her girly stuff and/or a toy weapon, I'd have smiled and said thank you; but if someone thought "how terrible, a little girl must have dolls and make up" or "weapons are fun" and exclusively brought her that, thus deliberately undermining my parenting choice, I'd have been very annoyed. (and a doll costs a few pounds and a cot considerably more).

I think it's assertive not rude to challenge that. Although a pp did suggest that perhaps it was a plan B in case the sleeping in your bed didn't work out.

Lilylonglegs · 10/10/2015 15:30

you are very rude and ungrateful in my opinion. I'm surprised anyone even buys you anything. People bought my baby clothes for up to 2 years when she was born and guess what? I just say thank you and hang it up. When she gets to the appropriate age she can wear them. It's just not that much of an issue.

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