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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel cheated & robbed of natural birth

190 replies

sltorres9 · 07/10/2015 15:43

Hi all, I'm not going to go into too much detail but I gave birth in June '14, I didn't want much medical intervention but ended up with 2 epidurals, 2 diamorphine injections & a spinal block. Then I hemorraged (sp) had a blood clot, and was told I'd have to have a c section for any future babies.
But now the last two nights I've been sitting here sobbing my heart out. I'm gutted that my labour wasn't easy, that my partner wasn't able to cut the cord and he never will be able to. The section terrifies me, to the point where I actually don't want another baby. My labour has ruined it for me, aibu?

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 07/10/2015 15:46

YANBU, get some help, talk to someone and get past it.

The way you give birth does not define you as a parent.

Lots of un-mumsnetty hugs from someone who suffered eclamptic seizures and a csection under a general anaesthetic for DS1, a csection due to pre-eclampsia for DD and a csection for pre-eclapmsia for DS2.

My last baby will be my last as my uterus is shot to pieces, this makes me very sad. My baby is 12 weeks old.

EatShitDerek · 07/10/2015 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BatTeethKeith · 07/10/2015 15:48

I think perhaps you need some counselling op.

You are focussing so much on the birth, surely the end result is what is important, whatever the delivery method?

Original poster

sltorres9 · 07/10/2015 15:51

I haven't had a debrief as to why so many things went wrong, cause my little boy got stuck and needed to be turned twice but I think it's over a year surely I'm being stupid to go and ask for one now? I know there are Labour's and births worse than mine but I feel annoyed at myself that things went wrong and that I needed so many drugs. Didn't help that my little boy was put into scbu so I couldn't breastfeed which also plagued me with guilt.

OP posts:

Claireshh · 07/10/2015 15:51

You are not being unreasonable given what happened. Pregnancy and birth are such a small part really of being a parent. I'm not saying that to belittle your experience I just mean that it will fall in to the background with every new experience with your child.

I had an emergency c section with my first and a planned c section for my second. My seconds birth was so calm, lots of skin to skin and he fed for an hour just after delivery. I rested a lot in the first week and by half way through week 2 I felt fine and able to drive. Having a c section does not mean you will have a horrible birth experience.

You've been through a lot. Give yourself time to heal and enjoy those newborn cuddles - oh how I miss them! X

lornathewizzard · 07/10/2015 15:51

I'm not sure it's really a case of being reasonable or unreasonable, you can't help the way you feel. But you should definitely try to get some help. You need to deal with the feelings labour has left you with to move on.

VeryPunny · 07/10/2015 15:51

I think you need to see someoneabout it, sounds like you had a rough time.

I had planned an all natural hypnobirth. Wound up with EMCS. My beef is with the natural birth movement, whose message left me an emotional wreck feeling like a failure for having every intervention going. Or perhaps it's my problem for swallowing their spin in the first place.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 07/10/2015 15:51

What EatShitDerek said with bells on.

And to add to it, I can guarantee you the only person getting upset about this is you. Your child won't care, your partner won't care - not enough to cry about it. Maybe a weeny twinge, although I don't actually even know about cutting the cord in sections. If it's planned, maybe the dad can?

You don't sound rational about it at all OP, I agree maybe counselling would be a good idea

BoyScout · 07/10/2015 15:53

I think many women feel like this when their birth isn't the whale-music, scented-candle miraculous experience we're all led to believe it will be.

You gave birth to a healthy child - 100 years ago, you or the baby might have died. That medical intervention potentially saved you both.

Just because the labour and birth wasn't what you hoped, it doesn't mean it was worthless or a failure or you did something wrong. You still delivered a child, a massive achievement, but what you're doing now in raising and teaching and loving that child is a much bigger one.

lornathewizzard · 07/10/2015 15:54

Oh but YABU to be annoyed at yourself for things going 'wrong'. I'm fairly sure you didn't do it on purpose

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 07/10/2015 15:55

That sounded harsher than I meant it to, sorry OP.

Your gorgeous baby will love you and think you are the bestest mum ever regardless of his birth or how he was fed as a baby.

BatTeethKeith · 07/10/2015 15:55

Dh didn't cut our cord either op, as he wasn't allowed in theatre with us. We were going to keep the umbilcal clip instead, but unfortunately dh left it on the mantlepiece and the cat ate it.

lornathewizzard · 07/10/2015 15:56

Or indeed that you did anything at all to contribute to the problems

Alfieisnoisy · 07/10/2015 15:56

As an ex-midwife can I urge you to contact the unit where you gave birth and ask to speak to someone. I promise you they won't fob you off.
You had a very very traumatic birth and the likelihood is that you still have some PTSD.

There is a fantastic organisation who you can speak to as well called the Birth Trauma Association. Go and have a look,you need some support.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/what_is_trauma.htm

Your feelings are very real and YANBU to feel the way you do.

As Derek says above though you have had a baby and that's a natural thing....even if that birth was complicated.

laffymeal · 07/10/2015 15:56

I had a similar birth experience to you with my first child (DD), I was just so grateful she was alive at the end of it, the labour just got forgotten about. I got and elective C section with DS 4 years later because he was breech. It was a doddle. I don't "get" this labour thing, seriously who cares, if your both alive at the end of it, it's all that matters.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/10/2015 15:56

You feel how you feel but you're wrong. This really doesn't matter. I had an EMCS under GA and I'm happy that that it was the right thing for me and DS. Without it we both could have died.

HPsauciness · 07/10/2015 15:59

You are not alone and if this isn't a one off crying session, it might help to get in touch with the Birth Trauma Association.

I would also ask for a debrief if this is stopping you moving forward to have another child, I had one and whilst I cried through the whole thing, it was very helpful in at least explaining what went on and distancing this from the second pregnancy/birth.

Fiddlerontheroof · 07/10/2015 15:59

I felt like this after my daughter was born, shocking birth, leaving her disabled. It was devastating, and I struggled for a long time. It might help to go through what happened with someone, I did eventually and went on 6 years later to have my son with a planned section.

They are now 6 & 12, and I don't think I ever look back now and mourn the way they were born, despite back then me being devastated that I didn't get a natural birth that I'd so longed for. These feelings do fade, but I remember them being very intense for a few years after. I'd strongly recommend a debrief if you can, and maybe some counselling. But YANBU to feel like this at all x

BarbarianMum · 07/10/2015 16:00

I think a "natural birth" is not a thing that we are entitled to, I think it is something we are lucky to get (death in childbirth is very "natural" too).

However,

YANBU to be upset that your birth did not go the way you want and to wish it had been different and less traumatic. YANBU to worry about future births. YANBU to have these feelings now.

What I would suggest is that you talk to someone about this. Did you get a debriefing after your birth? The hospital should have someone who will sit down with you and talk through what happened and why intervention was thought necessary and what happened next (ds1's birth didn't go to plan and towards the end things happened very rapidly and I wasn't entirely clear on the course of events, the debrief helped with that). If you feel you were wrongly/badly treated you may wish to put in a complaint.

You might also find some counseling useful to help process your feelings around what happened. Again, the hospital should be able to put you in touch with someone

lornathewizzard · 07/10/2015 16:01

Sorry my posts didn't make much sense. What I'm trying to say is that it wasn't your fault that things went wrong.

WinterBabyof89 · 07/10/2015 16:01

It's crap having a shitty labour.
Agree with number3 - get counselling, talk about It & learn how to accept it. It's a part of your life story, however unplanned it was.

I had a shit labour in July '14 & my DD died as a result. There were many things we missed out on & the EMCS under GA was quite far away from the water birth experience I'd hoped for.

Maybe concentrate on what you will get to experience instead of what you'll miss out on. Your DH will get to sit by your side and witness your future babies entering the world :)

I've just had DS2 and I have the most wonderful picture that my DH took of the surgical team beaming at my baby as they lift him out

Acknowledge the crappy cards you were dealt, but don't let them define your future birth experiences - my subsequent section was a world away from my first.. Could be the same for you? :)

laffymeal · 07/10/2015 16:02

Kudos to you WinterBaby, what a top bird you are.

Twunk · 07/10/2015 16:04

For DS2 I had planned a home birth and had taken a course in hypnobirthing.

As it turned out, I had an emergency Csection in the middle of the night and nobody but the surgical team was present - my husband was in another country.

I didn't see my baby for 24 hours and he was wired up to machines.

He was then taken to another hospital. I had a phone call - a fucking phone call which I had to take at the midwives' station saying he'd had seizures and might be brain damaged.

This isn't a "you could have had it worse" as your labour sounds terribly frightening and you need to work through those feelings. But I can assure you that 6 years later (and to be fair a lot more drama but that's another story) it doesn't matter. Because the birth is just the beginning.

Things will be very different with a planned c-section. I suggest you see about getting some counseling and explore all these feelings and worries. I understand you can also have your case de-briefed with you - it might help you understand better what happened.

Best of luck and un-MN hugs to you.

Viviennemary · 07/10/2015 16:06

How the birth went was out of your hands. How could you possibly be to blame for that. I agree with getting some counselling to talk this through.

Twunk · 07/10/2015 16:07

and yes, kudos to you WinterBaby. What a kind and thoughtful post.

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