AIBU to feel cheated & robbed of natural birth

[sltorres9]

Hi all, I'm not going to go into too much detail but I gave birth in June '14, I didn't want much medical intervention but ended up with 2 epidurals, 2 diamorphine injections & a spinal block. Then I hemorraged (sp) had a blood clot, and was told I'd have to have a c section for any future babies.
But now the last two nights I've been sitting here sobbing my heart out. I'm gutted that my labour wasn't easy, that my partner wasn't able to cut the cord and he never will be able to. The section terrifies me, to the point where I actually don't want another baby. My labour has ruined it for me, aibu?

And I feel like I've failed because I can't ever give birth naturally again

Why?? I second the advice people have gave to seek help in coming to terms with these type of feelings because at the end of the day they affecting your happiness and your ability to feel happy as a Mother. Ive had 2 vaginal deliveries and 1 traumatic EMCS and I certainly didnt feel I had "failed" - this would only heep on guilt (and theres enough to feel guilty about as a parent!)...I know we are all different, have different experiences and different coping mechanisms but Im genuinely interested in where all this "failing" stuff comes from because I think it if you understood how you felt more it may help in coming to terms with it all.

but Im genuinely interested in where all this "failing" stuff comes from

there is a huge movement that says interventions breeds intervention and blames the mother for starting that casacade - because she did something wrong.

there is one such strident MW or something on here, I got into a long wrangle with her my first birth and how I must have been feeling this so x happened. Not true, I was there!

I just happened to get lucky.

Just having candles and breathing, and doing everything right does not necessarily lead to a straight forward birth. It does not.

Birth is dangerous and can be very brutal, its like going into war really.

I too had a massive haemorrhage after dd2 (natural birth) and again after ds3 (elective section)

I also suffered a 4th degree tear after ds1 and now have serious sphincter muscle damage with all the attendant problems that brings.

Natural birth imo is massively overrated and i will be advising my dds to have elective sections.

I realise I am lucky, I have also been in the situation of four miscarriages before my June '14 birth so please do not try and patronize me. Yes I can have another baby, frankly I do not want one. If I had known how bad my labour turned out to be I don't think I'd ever of had a child. Which sounds ridiculous and immature but I'm scarred.
Thanks for all of your comments, I think it is necessary that I speak to somebody, I couldn't even celebrate my baby's first birthday because I kept on thinking about what I was doing this time last year, even the days leading up to it I was in hospital and then kept in hospital for a fortnight afterwards.
I was very naive before giving birth but I had nobody to ever tell me that sometimes Labour doesn't go the normal way, not one fucking mention of that at the 12 parenting classes I went to. And the fact that she said 93% of ladies leaving hospital will be breastfeeding, has made me feel like an utter failure.

Birth is dangerous and can be very brutal, its like going into war really.

Couldnt agree more. My obstetrician says that dou to improved nutrition babies have been getting progressively larger in last 30 odd years, which is great for the babies but that womens pelvises havent grown any larger to deal with said larger babies and that is why CS are becoming a lot more common.

there is a huge movement that says interventions breeds intervention and blames the mother for starting that casacade - because she did something wrong

But where from? Thats what puzzles me, because I agree with you about birth being potentially dangerous and brutual. No-one would expect to get a broken leg reset without pain relief or their appendix out etc yet some women feel they've "failed" if they have a C section. Some women feel guilty after a c section and some dont.

I just feel like I have failed, that my body has failed to do something natural, I had two failed inductions cos my body just wasn't contracting. My mum had a two hour labour, home the same day, no dramatics labour and Thats the type I thought I'd have. Because nobody told me that it may go wrong, even ladies at my parenting class had a max of a five hour labour with only one needing a epidural and none needing any other intervention. I know it's not a competition, that I should be grateful and believe me I am but that doesn't diminish my feelings

I couldn't even celebrate my baby's first birthday because I kept on thinking about what I was doing this time last year, even the days leading up to it I was in hospital and then kept in hospital for a fortnight afterwards.

Thats a shame.

yes OP There is a conspiracy of silence in antenatal classes about the reality of childbirth. Some of us simply have awful shitty labours and birth damage and all the rest and i wish someone had advised me to have a section with dc 3. With dd2 i have relatively the easiest of all my 3 natural births then had a massive haemorrhage which bloody nearly killed me.

I'd like to thank everyone who has posted here, including OP. It's been very eye opening.

sltorres9, can I ask why you feel you have failed? How do you think that feeling got into your head? Was it something someone said, an article you read....?

I feel my ELCS was a natural birth. For me it felt natural but then I'm a little odd in my ways of thinking sometimes

Mine felt natural too, just calmer and better and more civilised.

OP - sorry you had such a difficult time.

There is no logic or right way when it comes to how you feel after birth. Some women will feel devastated after a completely straightforward normal birth, and other women will feel fine after a complex delivery. You feel how you feel. You don't have to justify it and nobody should tell you you're silly or looking at things in a skewed way.

The recurring thoughts of birth and ongoing distress can be a sign of post traumatic shock

Have you had a chance to debrief your birth with a midwife? Does your hospital run a 'birth afterthoughts' service? I'm wondering if this would be useful to you?

I just feel like I have failed, that my body has failed to do something natural

Op when you get constipation do you feel you have failed, its no different.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/whoarewe.htm

*The BTA is the only organisation in the UK which deals solely and specifically with this issue. We aim to tackle the problem with work which is focused on three main areas:

(1) Raising awareness of birth trauma
(2) Working to prevent it
(3) Supporting families in need

We have four leading experts on our Board, a Board of Trustees and an Executive Committee of committed activists. In addition, we have many active professional and lay volunteers whose skills range from administration to obstetric and psychological expertise.

The BTA believes that too little is known about the psychology of childbirth and this means that the mental health consequences of it are all too often and, all too easily, ignored. We also believe that, on occasion, the emotional needs of women are sidelined or forgotten. We are very keen to have the support of health care professionals for our work so that we can campaign effectively to change any current practices that contribute to traumatic birth experiences.
Executive Commitee*

"there is a huge movement that says interventions breeds intervention and blames the mother for starting that casacade - because she did something wrong."

I think you'll find that the really outspoken people, the people who think this is an important issue - like me - think this has fuck all to do with individual mothers who are simply trying to get through what is for most of us a very, very difficult life experience and keep their babies safe.

"Couldnt agree more. My obstetrician says that dou to improved nutrition babies have been getting progressively larger in last 30 odd years, which is great for the babies but that womens pelvises havent grown any larger to deal with said larger babies and that is why CS are becoming a lot more common"

Actually your average women is much bigger and heavier than women born thirty years ago, and very, very few c-sections are done because women are unable to deliver babies which are too large.

Women having their first baby now are older, fatter and more likely to have diabetes and hypertension and a range of other illnesses which become more common as we get older. Women are tested for anything and everything and monitored very very closely in labour. The upside of this is that more babies are making it through birth in good nick. The downside is that the price to be paid for it is a huge amount of iatrogenic harm - ie that these practices probably bugger up the labours of many other women in the process of identifying serious problems in a minority of mothers.

More and more women are having difficult and traumatic experiences, basically because more and more women are having complicated labours and fractured, inconsistent care. This is a problem and someone needs to talk about why and how this is happening. But it's not the fault of women themselves - they're the victims in this situation, as are their partners.

IMO when you have a situation where THE MAJORITY of mothers in some hospitals in the UK are giving birth by c/s or having instrumental births, and where 1 in 3 labours is induced, you're going to end up with a lot of traumatised women.

constance Of course childbirth could be made safer, less traumatising and of course there are people other than those who can't feel their feet yet and having come around properly from their general anaesthetic that could look after new born babies.

All it takes is money.

If the same kind of money and resource was thrown at each childbirth that is thrown at other forms of serious abdominal surgery, ie. an anaesthetist and doctor present at each birth throughout, somebody staying with you in recovery, no expectation of getting up and moving about for 24 hours, then women would be as likely to come out of child birth with PTSD as they were likely to come out of a kidney removal operation with PTSD (ie. essentially zero)

As things stand, women are as likely to come out of child birth with PTSD as they are to return from active duty in a war zone with PTSD (about 3-5% in both cases).

The fact it might be possible for some people to come through a kidney removal with very little pain relief and not be scarred for life doesn't seem to be an argument for actually trying it by default on everyone.

It astounds me that the same logic doesn't pertain to childbirth.

IMO when you have a situation where THE MAJORITY of mothers in some hospitals in the UK are giving birth by c/s or having instrumental births, and where 1 in 3 labours is induced, you're going to end up with a lot of traumatised women

sorry to pick you up here, can you clarify "c sections" i e you are referring to emergency sections performed in a stressful way after problematic labour.

Many women find ELC - elective c sections, a great way to give birth where everything is calm and in control.

I had IVF, twice, and elective c sections with all my children. If I'd stuck to "natural is best" I'd be childless.

Nature can fuck off.

As things stand, women are as likely to come out of child birth with PTSD as they are to return from active duty in a war zone with PTSD (about 3-5% in both cases)

YY

It astounds me that the same logic doesn't pertain to childbirth

YY BUt I think things are moving in a direction for the good, people can share experiences now like on here where as may have felt shy to in RL etc, I think its becoming OK to say it was crap.

This is also why I like to speak out about my experience which was unusual in that - nothing really happened to me, I had no intervention and no stiches ( small v v v v v v painful tear though, meaning I didnt wach myself, and was scared and crying everytime had to go go loo and made sitting down painful and that was a small tear )

BUT BUT BUT It was still too much for me, and I am a human with a soul and spirit and not Not Just a Pair of good birthing hips.

Its OK not to like cb.

It is inevitable that, as surgery improves and people wake up to the fact that women's mental health has value as well as their physical health, elective C-sections will become the norm.

I am so very sad that I didn't go that route - I had so many indicators that natural childbirth would break me and it did. Now my DD has to grow up with a parent suffering depression/anxiety disorder...all because of insufficient funding in the NHS. You had better believe it has cost them so much more in the long run to deal with the physical an mental fall out from DD's birth than it would have done to have given me the birth I deserved in the first place.

Traumatising women during childbirth is a false economy of huge magnitude.

Defender Women who end up feeling traumatised from their birth experiences do realise they are lucky to have their babies, but you cannot minimise their shock of what happened. It can really effect your life in so many ways and it needs to be acknowledged. A lot of the time women don't share their feelings about what happened because they feel like they don't deserve to feel that way as they do have their baby. They suffer for years afterwards instead. I appreciate your point of view, I know things can be worse, but they could also have been better.

It's not a case of unmet expectations but the trauma of what happened to them, what they were faced with, how they were treated, not knowing why what's happening is happening - all that and more when you are in a vulnerable state can make anyone feel upset, confused, angry, violated and traumatised.

I was faced with the possibility that my son was dead. It was the longest time in my labour. I didn't know what was going on. It was silent as I cried for the midwives to give me my baby. They didn't say anything. It turned into a panic, the emergency bell was pressed, people ran in, then I didn't get to hold my son after it all. It took me years to finally talk about it and get the help I needed and should have been offered. It troubled me for so long. I avoid anything to do with birth and hospital because it sends me into a panic.

Like a PP said... a traumatic event isn't something that someone can just forget about. A plane crash, car accident, a death. Do you just "get over" those things? No. Having your body cut open is not natural. Having an episiotomy shouldn't be classed as a NVD as it doesn't feel natural to the woman, it didn't to me, but is by the medics standards because they're used to it. It's not fair.

• You had better believe it has cost them so much more in the long run to deal with the physical an mental fall out from DD's birth than it would have done to have given me the birth I deserved in the first place

I do not doubt it and its make me so cross when pp bleat on about cost of c sections.

The biggest pay out by maternity is - to damaged dm and babies needing long term care.

( from botched births)

I think the NHS could deliver elective c-sections for all very efficiently. The procedure when not done under duress is usually very quick. I saw 4 different anaesthetists during my 'natural' birth and would presumably only have needed one for a planned C-section.

What hurts the absolute most is that when I was out of my mind in pain and screaming for a C-section to end it, the consultant over-ruled the doctor who had agreed to an EMCS because 'there is no medical reason this baby can't be born vaginally'.

Just because it could (and in fact was - many soul destroying hours later) doesn't mean it should! why didn't the fact that a woman was in unbearable agony factor into this decision at all? Why was the consultant only interested in the baby, its position and my hips? Why didn't the whole of the rest of me and my future mental health make any impact in the decision?

IMO when you have a situation where THE MAJORITY of mothers in some hospitals in the UK are giving birth by c/s or having instrumental births, and where 1 in 3 labours is induced, you're going to end up with a lot of traumatised women

sorry to pick you up here, can you clarify "c sections" i e you are referring to emergency sections performed in a stressful way after problematic labour.

"Many women find ELC - elective c sections, a great way to give birth where everything is calm and in control."

At my local hospital 1 in 4 women has an UNPLANNED c-section.