AIBU to feel cheated & robbed of natural birth

[sltorres9]

Hi all, I'm not going to go into too much detail but I gave birth in June '14, I didn't want much medical intervention but ended up with 2 epidurals, 2 diamorphine injections & a spinal block. Then I hemorraged (sp) had a blood clot, and was told I'd have to have a c section for any future babies.
But now the last two nights I've been sitting here sobbing my heart out. I'm gutted that my labour wasn't easy, that my partner wasn't able to cut the cord and he never will be able to. The section terrifies me, to the point where I actually don't want another baby. My labour has ruined it for me, aibu?

I should get some counselling to help you get over it.
From the baby's point of view it really doesn't matter- it is the sort of mother that you are from now on that counts.
It is sad that people think they can plan the even like a wedding or similar when they have no control -and then feel that they have failed if it doesn't live up to expectations.

I don't mind so much that I had pain relief, just wish I didn't have so much of it cause I can't remember pushing or anything like that. He was also born not crying and funnily enough I remember the silence, it was deafening.
I am grateful for my boy, I know things could have gone much worse and to the pp who lost her baby I'm truly sorry, I could never imagine the pain of that.
I'm gonna speak to my health visitor and see about a debrief, as it really has hit me hard today and I honestly never want another baby after what I've been through

And no I do not think less of anybody who has had a c section
My son is relatively healthy, he's still having physio for his arm because it got stuck, he needs an operation on his eye too but apart from that he's a loving little boy and he doesn't know any different I know, but I do. And I feel like I've failed because I can't ever give birth naturally again

Yanbu to be upset, but in the nicest way Yabu to think it's a failing. It's not. I had a very easy, quick vb without intervention. That in no way makes me a better parent or superior in anyway. Nor does it have any bearing on Dds life and happiness. All it means is that I was very lucky, I'm grateful for getting the easy method, not proud. You however had a much harder time so you do have a right to be proud of your labour.

You conceived a baby, went through pregnancy, gave birth, and most importantly are a mum now, that's as natural as it gets. How the baby got out of your womb doesn't make it unnatural, therefore it was natural.

Agree with others though speaking about your fears and regret with a counsellor might help, because although yanbu to be upset, Yabu to mentally beat yourself up over something that isn't a reflection on your mothering skills.

I had some extra scans during pregnancy due to DD being small. One hospital midwife told me that they regard any birth which results in healthy baby & healthy mother as a success. She was sorry that so many people have ideas of how they would like to give birth & may be disappointed. I would suggest asking for a debrief, either at hospital or with your GP. If you understand what happened and why, then I hope it may help you to come to terms with the birth

to winterbaby and twunk

Not giving birth naturally is not failing. You haven't failed, nor have the billions of other women.

It was an awful situation due to the dangers involved- not because of the c-section itself. You wouldn't have to go through that again. I'm glad you are going to seek some advice as its sad that women are made to feel this way.

The only thing I can say to you is with time it gets easier. I felt the same as you after my emcs. It going to sound horrible but I Fucking hated my ex husband at the time because he got to hold our baby first and that was meant to be me. Stupid I know but I couldn't suppress it. I will get easier I promise you

OP, there is really no way you or anybody could every be unreasonable for feeling whichever way they are feeling about their labours and births

You are upset because you are still grieving the loss of how you thought and hoped things would pan out and they didn't. That is a perfectly reasonable and normal reaction.
Of course it can be helpful to remind yourself that both your and your DS are alive and here to tell the tale, but you still have not make your peace with event.

Please seek help.
See your GP, get referred for socialist counselling or ask for referral back to where you had your baby and have a 'debrief' - this is quite standard practice and allows you time and space to go through your records with a senior member of staff to explain why what happened.

Fwiw, I had an induction, an emCS and 2 VBs and I don't really feel differently about any of them.

Whether you end up having another baby in the future or not, please take great care that this disappointment/trauma is NOT the reason why you decide against another child.

Personally I think that the idea of a 'natural' birth is a misrepresentation and I am not sure why it is so commonly seen as some kind of thing to aspire to: natural births all over the world also lead to maternal and infant death and longer term problems. I have seen woman in Africa with obstructed labours, unable to deliver a baby 'naturally' and not having access to timely CSs. It is horrendous and barbaric.

How we give birth is such a tiny part of being a mother, there is so much more to parenting than the moment of delivery.

You aren't unreasonable to feel the way you do, because your expectations weren't met. But....maybe the better question is whether or not it's helpful/productive to feel like that? Or - indeed - if any of it really matters in the face of the healthy child you now have. I wouldn't write a birth plan for either of mine, precisely because I thought it was pointless to "plan" for something you just can't predict. At the end of the day, what everyone wants is a healthy baby - so possibly the best way forward (trite though it may sound) is just to focus on that and the fact that you had it.

I haven't had a debrief as to why so many things went wrong, cause my little boy got stuck and needed to be turned twice but I think it's over a year surely I'm being stupid to go and ask for one now? I know there are Labour's and births worse than mine but I feel annoyed at myself that things went wrong and that I needed so many drugs

Op women suffer flash backs and and sorts for years after a birth they consider traumatic, women can suffer post traumatic stress syndrome.

Think about what happened to you, what a shock. Try called Birth trauma ass, they can help you. They will have steps to follow and I am sure this will include a debrief.

Some women have wisdom teeth that never come through or cause problems, some have teeth that come through at awkward angles requiring surgery and then go on to get dry socket ( arrgghhhhh) do you EVER hear them saying " I cant get a wisdom tooth properly I am a failure over my teeth, a failure..." NO.

WHY?

I guess because there isn't a culture out there telling them all the time, that their body is made to get wisdom teeth they happen all the time and its fine AND they should just be gratful to have healthy wisdom teeth.

Op there is an awful culture in UK forging this link between what YOU do and how your BODY does.

Op, My body is apparently a Beautiful Bertha. The midwife at MY debrief was almost salivating over my stats...my hour in this stage and that stage and OHHHH MY HIPS!!! I have birthing hip.

I couldn't care a jot, there is more to ME than this flesh and skin gifted to me by nature and my mother and father.

I hated that birth, ME the person with the brain, thought it was traumatic, i had a section the next time and I ENJOYED IT, after the inital fear.

Op, be kind to yourself, its a body and some bodys birth well some dont, some do but there is a problem, birth is un predictable, it can be brutal and harsh.

How would you feel if your dh came home as beaten up as you were after your birth???????

My birth trauma last about 5 years until I had an ELC then I just stopped thinking about it. The elc had risks but much easier to know what they are. it was great, a thread recently was saying how many of us loved our sections.

Call round, talk to the people who listen to these stories and know how to help you.

So sorry you had such a difficult time op. Birth can be a very traumatic experience.

I had a very tough time giving birth do my dd. What gives me the shivers now, is the thought that if I had given birth in the previous century, either my dd or myself may well not have survived. I find it miraculous and rather scary.

mynameis

telling someone who is deeply traumatised about their birth that she should just buck up and be glad she has her baby isnt helpful,

Its why women are so sidelined and afraid to speak out over this issue.

Op you can be glad you have your lovely baby AND YOU CAN BE UPSET ABOUT HIS BIRTH.

I requested my maternity notes then booked an appt to go through it literally step by step with the midwife and consultant. it really helped me come to terms with what happened to me. At the time I felt I was so out of it i wasnt able to make any decisions. to go through it aftet really helped. it explained why everything ended up the way it did - 30 weeker, spontaneous rupture of membranes, streroids, went in to natural labour, but he as really struggling - no heart beat = c section. Epidural then spinal twice two, they got him out then i fitted and was sedated. Met him 2 days later x

apols for spelling!

Please see someone. I am 44 and it's only recently that my mother talked about my birth in counselling. She would give me her last breath, we are very close but she has never really been able to celebrate my birthday.
She did go on to have my two siblings and had no problems but my birth utterly traumatised her. Please don't suffer for years like she has.

Not read the whole thread so sorry if this has been mentioned but Sheila Kitzinger wrote a book called Birth Crisis, and it really helped me deal with my feelings after DC3's birth.

I have PTSD as a result of what happened, and 13 years later it still affects me, so dont be so hard on yourself about expecting to be over it by now. Something that big never really leaves you, you just learn to live with it.

Counselling would really help too.

AndLeaves, I don't read myname's post as harshly as you do.

Other posters too have mentioned that there is another way to view this when OP feels ready.

Nobody at all used the phrase "buck up" and it is not helpful to insert it at all.

There's nothing "natural" about child birth. A giant watermelon sized baby is squeezed through a 2 inch hole on a mammal that really isn't evolutionary designed to handle that sort of physical trauma. Humans have some of the longest labor times and have the disadvantage of being bipedal so our birth canals are naturally smaller and take more trauma.

Nature is playing a game of chicken with our babies to find that right sweet spot between being too big to fit through our pelvis, and being too small and underdeveloped to survive (they would now, but back then preemies died almost 100% of the time). Women have had a high fatality rate during child birth long before modern medicine came alone. So no, we are not naturally equipped to birth babies and never have been. Our species has only survived because those that could give birth reproduced quickly and often.

So don't feel like you've failed. Half of births end in C-sections, so it really does a disservice to advertise vaginal birth as the only "natural" way, as a baby being too big or needing assistance is just as natural even from an evolutionary point of view.

As others have said, talk to your GP about your feelings. You have every reason to be upset about this. Take care of yourself.

Whenever I read threads like this, my instinct is alway to say, "A third of women used to die in childbirth and God knows how many babies - please just be grateful that you and your child are alive and well."

But I understand that women don't always feel that way, and I think our focus on the 'birth experience' is partly to blame.

I realise why it's often discussed in those terms. Birth is a scary prospect and it helps to view it as an experience, make a plan for what you'd like to happen, try to frame it in as positive a way as possible. Much better than scaremongering and doom and gloom! But somehow along the way, a natural process that is really supposed to be just a means to an end has become an 'experience' in its own right. A process which, I have to say, is incredibly badly designed, inefficient, painful and very liable to go wrong (can I have a word with the engineer?). Even when it all does go as it's supposed to, it's still messy, painful and bloody hard. Yet we are just supposed to think about it in terms of the 'experience', 'making sure men are included' (this seems to take priority over women feeling properly supported, don't get me started) and all sorts of other waffle that just leads women to feel like failures or as if they've missed out...when in fact they have endured something physically and emotionally draining, and have a live healthy baby.

OP, I understand all the emphasis on 'natural', but lots of things that are 'natural' are not safe or pleasant (diseases, heroin, shark attacks). Being able to have safe C sections and intervention saves thousands, possibly millions, of lives every day, both mothers and babies. Your feelings are real and valid and I echo everyone who says you should get some professional counselling to help you come to terms with whatever has caused them, but please do try to understand that you're a victim of a culture that's very bizarre and not at all natural in its way.

Now I am off to leave my unnatural centrally heated home to go on my unnatural commute in a car to my unnatural job in an office to work on an unnatural device known as a computer and talk to people with unnatural hair colours and boob jobs. I thought about going all natural in my day to day life but I'd starve and get cold!

You have put that very well, Sheba. We are so used to control and planning things the way we want them these days that we lose sight of the fact that birth is one area where we may lose control completely.
Sometimes it all becomes about the 'experience' for the woman - and then they feel cheated if they don't get the experience they wanted.
This is why I refused to have a birth plan and just went with the flow- if you don't have preconceived ideas then you don't get disappointed and a healthy baby is a huge success.
I would get some counselling because it is your future as a mother that is important. I was mildly interested in my mother's birth experience when I was pregnant- but apart from that it has no relevance to our relationship. How I remember my childhood has huge relevance.

Please don't think because it has been a year it's too late for a debrief. I couldn't face doing this for my assisted birth until then. It was the best thing I did and can now consider having another child.

Don't worry about leaving it a year from birth until debrief. I didn't have mine until ds was just over 1. Tbh I didn't mind my EMCS (I'd already decided on a planned cs for baby 2) but I did need to know the order of events, really so I could understand my body.

When you're in labour it generally unfolds too fast to remember the details. A debrief should help you piece it all together. .

I read the other day that the day you are born in the most dangerous day of your life. You do not have another day as dangerous until you are well into your 80s. I think you do well if everyone survives.

I had 2 shit births which we all only just survived and I think if anything it has made me a better mother as I have now reached the point where I am grateful we are all ok.