AIBU to feel cheated & robbed of natural birth

[sltorres9]

Hi all, I'm not going to go into too much detail but I gave birth in June '14, I didn't want much medical intervention but ended up with 2 epidurals, 2 diamorphine injections & a spinal block. Then I hemorraged (sp) had a blood clot, and was told I'd have to have a c section for any future babies.
But now the last two nights I've been sitting here sobbing my heart out. I'm gutted that my labour wasn't easy, that my partner wasn't able to cut the cord and he never will be able to. The section terrifies me, to the point where I actually don't want another baby. My labour has ruined it for me, aibu?

I was almost the exact same position as you. Baby born in March this year. I am only now coming round to the idea of having future children. Speaking to other mums who've had a section is great and really helped me get over it. It doesn't help when your scar and tummy are also there constantly to remind you. The swelling on top of my scar (little pouch you hear about) is only now starting to go down that baby is 6.5 months and I'm planning baby number 2. Give yourself time to have a cry about it. I also struggled to breast feed but got there in the end. The first few months you just feel like you've failed as a woman! It gets better! I feel great now and look almost back to my pre section self!

I always imagined (no idea why) that I would be able to give birth naturally with no pain relief and all would be calm and serene. In reality had all 3 by Csection. I did feel a bit crap about the first one but in the end they all 'got out' safe and well and now they like to look at the Csection scar - where they got 'cut out of mum'!!

I just want to tell you a few things:

1. it is ok for you to mourn for the birth you did not have
2. a huge amount of people think having a healthy baby means you shouldn't be needing to do 1). Which will add guilt to the top of your trauma, because you know a live baby is better than on isn't but you still feel the effect if the birth.

Trauma of birth is hugely brushed off by so many (of those that haven't experience of it) and insist a healthy baby means you should be fine. But think of the equivalent:

Man is in a terrible car crash, his car is written off and it takes a bit of time for emergency services to free him and then afterwards for the physical injuries, which were thankfully not fatal or life altering, to heal.

Just how many people do you think would not accept this as a terrible experience that he doesn't need to have time to recover from and that he shouldn't feel bad because 'sure didn't you get a lovely brand you car from it'

Been kind to yourself, get be briefed and have some counselling. I can tell you, from experience, the horror does fade over time

You feel what you feel but I agree with PPs speak to somebody birth trauma can really affect women you have to realise all that matters is you and your baby are safe and alive . Painkillers spinals and c sections are all there for a reason .

Moln makes a very good point. Of course the most important thing is that everyone is alive and well but birth can be traumatic at the best of times and having to have things done to your body that you didn't want can cause feelings that need time and perhaps professional help to heal.

It's so bizarre that birth is the only medical procedure/body function where all the normal rules don't apply. Women's right to patient confidentiality and autonomy are trampled over with people claiming their own "rights" to be spectators, pressured to feel bad about procedures that ease pain or assist the process, and expected not to be affected even by intrusive (albeit necessary) procedures. I wonder why this is.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I had an awful birth and I decided to not have another child. Just want to say, it is ok to only have one. DH and I sometimes discuss having no 2 but we always decide against it because of what happened.

I get so angry when I read posts like yours op, not with you, or the medics though. Women have been fed a lie about childbirth, that it's some beautiful, natural process with some sort of rating system with women having no pain relief and an easy home birth scoring A* at the top and women who had to have loads of intervention and a cc at the opposite end and often left feeling like failures. And against this background it's no wonder you feel like you do. I really feel for you op, take the advice of those up thread and get help with your feelings.

No doubt somebody will come along in a minute and tell me I'm wrong and that managed properly birth should be an easy safe process without any need for intervention.

Even women who don't go along with this and just want a cs from the start, for whatever reason, get derided and deemed' to posh to push' as if they are somehow lesser.

I heard three generations of women on Women's Hour last year and even the grandmother remembered each birth clearly. These are huge defining events in our lives. It is no comfort for someone else to say well you had a live baby which is the aim of most of us. Just relax. Perhaps take a second opinion on whether a second birth woudl have to be by C section in case the doctor is wrong. As I tell everyone birth is not a competition. I had an epidural in one birth of 5 and that was exactly right for me. With the other 4 I just needed gas and air. You cannot generalise. Births just differ.

Your baby was only born 4 months ago. Is everything else going well? It might be a good idea to talk to family about how you feel and check if there are any other problems.

Yes, that's a point. Not to trivialise how OP feels about the birth but perhaps PND is also playing a part here.

Grazia1984 is so right. The people who have easy, straight forward births (especially with their first child) are the lucky ones. My mother in law recently told me about the birth of dh's brother. It was utterly traumatic and she still becomes visibly upset when she talks about it. She described how she used to get in the bath with the lights off and cry every night.

The problem is, that when you are pregnant, no one wants to share these experiences for fear of scaring you.

Please talk to your health visitor or GP. Do you have an NCT group or know any other new mums in your area? I found my local breast feeding support group to be fantastic. They gave me tea and cake and let me have a good cry - just what I needed!

Yep get to the GP and have a check for PND.

OP it sounds like your lucky to be alive. Be greatful for that. I had a natural birth before my CS and it was t any better

I also had difficult first birth which ended with dd being delivered by ecc.
Ds was born by ec 2 years later and his dad cut his umibilical cord and sat by my side all through ds's birth.
This was 16 years ago but I hope you can find out how it is done nowadays.

It slightly boils my piss when people say 'you are upset because your expectations for a natural childbirth weren't met'

who the hell goes into birth expecting to spend days in unendurable pain, or getting chopped up, or losing their womb, or having none of the pain killing options actually work, or getting permanent nerve or other permanent physical damage?

All these things happen day in day out to women giving birth in the UK.

It really isn't that we romanticize giving birth, it is that the reality is shit beyond belief given it is 2015.

In my opinion this shitness stems directly from the fact that it is a women's problem, and that somehow having babies is just something that women are expected to be glad to pay a high price for.

I wonder how many babies would be born if men were expected as part of the process to get a massive cut up the jacksie and get it stitched with little pain relief, and to suffer potentially permanent incontinence as a result?

When else would it be acceptable to be in the totally woozy confused phase of recovering from a general anaesthetic and surgery and have someone dump a newborn baby on you to look after while you are at it?

God IceBeing you are so right.

who the hell goes into birth expecting to spend days in unendurable pain, or getting chopped up, or losing their womb, or having none of the pain killing options actually work, or getting permanent nerve or other permanent physical damage?

well me actually!
I get your point sheba but before I had mine ALL my friends suffered nearly everything that can go wrong, going wrong, and I already had a fear of birth! Each and every one of them would have died if they had given birth before modern medicine.
So I went into birth with a very realistic view of it. Now MW would say "oh but yes so your happy hormone wasn't working bla bla" when i was actually in labour, IN IT I felt very very calm, the calmest I had felt ever about birth - ironically and it all went - on paper VERY WELL.

I was still left traumatised. It was still too long, too painful I didn't get the epidural I asked for, altogether too horrible and that was GOOD BITH I knew I could not cope should things go wrong and after discussion with consultant. She agreed I needed to feel more in control and that started with me asking and getting an ELC. I also knew no one could guarantee me a second so called good birth.

Are you suggesting that its somehow possible for these things to never happen? Birth is very often brutal and horrendously painful and can cause serious damage. It has always been this way and probably always will.

OF course we romanticise birth when we don't talk about these very real possibilities, or only mention them as rare things that happen to others! If you want to talk about the problems of the system and how such problems are dealt with, thats a good conversation, and we should be demanding better care for women. But lets start from a position of reality: nobody can do fuck all about the fact that birth can and often is a fucking train wreck of an experience for women, and thats natural, because thats how it works.

When else would it be acceptable to be in the totally woozy confused phase of recovering from a general anaesthetic and surgery and have someone dump a newborn baby on you to look after while you are at it?

This is bloody daft though. The only operation someone "dumps" a newborn baby on you to look after is the one that produces a newborn baby, obviously? Who else is going to look after it?

The people who have easy, straight forward births (especially with their first child) are the lucky ones

lets qualify that ^ the ones who simply also felt it was a good birth.

no woman or man can judge how another should feel about their birth.

My head MW tried to make me feel lucky when she tried to stop me from having my ELC but by this point THE scales had fallen from my eyes about the birth business and I had done loads of research etc.
It was wrong her to override my feelings about the birth over the paper aspects of it.

Its personal, how much more personal can you get and this is why I feel ELC needs to be offered more freely than it is, and no woman should have to fugt for one if they want one.

The only operation someone "dumps" a newborn baby on you to look after is the one that produces a newborn baby, obviously?Who else is going to look after it?

When I was sleeping off a coctail of painkilers and anestetic drugs 18 years ago nurses took my dd for the night. I was bf-ding and they knew new mother needed that extra help. So if number of nurses are cut due to savings nowadays I can say it is wrong!

There aren't remotely enough nurses to look after all the babies, and to be honest, many women wouldn't want their newborns to be away from them. One of the reasons rooming in was moved to over nursery care was because new mothers wanted their babies next to them.

Yes, babies next to them but with assistance of nurses when necessary.
I am with Ice re: birth being treated as woman's job therefore not worth extra care

Cheezy, that's the thing I find saddest as an ex midwife. It's so important to acknowledge women's feelings about the birth of their child. Too many are still crying when they talk about it 20+ years later.

I am so pleased that there are organisations out there which focus on this now. It's so absolutely vital for there to be a way to express how shit a birth night have been and what feelings a woman has as a result.

Do you know how lucky you are. You had a traumatic delivery but you walked out of the hospital with a baby. You can have another baby, it just won't enter the world in the "natural" way.

You need to count your blessings and speak to a counsellor. Read the infertility forum to realise how lucky you are.

I feel my ELCS was a natural birth. For me it felt natural but then I'm a little odd in my ways of thinking sometimes.

Get some help to deal with the recurring memories Op but don't be hard on yourself.

I had an ELCS ....partner cut the cord....all just in a calm, and I felt really safe environment.

Be kind to yourself

I never went into birth expecting it to be easy or perfect. My only aim was a live baby. That was even though my mother had very very very short and fairly easy labours and was one of the UK's first NCT members and I spent my teens studying things like best birth position etc. I never regard pregnancy as a certainty of a baby and don't even like baby showers for that reason. We don't order babies from catalogues and get what we choose.

I think control can help. One of my twins was born at home and his twin in hospital in the next borough but all the way through I felt these were my decisions, this was my choice and that made me feel both births were fine.