AIBU to feel cheated & robbed of natural birth

[sltorres9]

Hi all, I'm not going to go into too much detail but I gave birth in June '14, I didn't want much medical intervention but ended up with 2 epidurals, 2 diamorphine injections & a spinal block. Then I hemorraged (sp) had a blood clot, and was told I'd have to have a c section for any future babies.
But now the last two nights I've been sitting here sobbing my heart out. I'm gutted that my labour wasn't easy, that my partner wasn't able to cut the cord and he never will be able to. The section terrifies me, to the point where I actually don't want another baby. My labour has ruined it for me, aibu?

YANBU. I had a terrible birth experience which ended up in an ECC and it was just awful. When my baby was finally handed to me, I was physically in shock and still groggy from the GA. I felt nothing. Luckily, those feelings went away after a few days.

A friend of mine was so intent on a natural birth that she went so far into her pregnancy (43 weeks) without seeing a doctor (abroad) and when she finally went into labour and things went wrong, the doctor panicked and cut open her bladder instead of her uterus and it all went disastrously wrong, ending up in the baby being oxygen deprived and now disabled.

Sometimes our desire for our perfect delivery just doesn't work out and it's something that some mourn more than others. Read about it, get counselling, - the most important thing to remember is that your feelings are valid and understandable.

You should talk to someone, it could really help.

I had a traumatic birth with my baby, too. It ended with a ventouse which was pretty horrific for me and the baby. My husband didn't cut the cord and we were in such a state that I have no photo of us when the baby was put on my chest. When I realised that, I cried my eyes out for days.

I used to fantasise about doing it again and getting it right next time. Then I felt guilty about one sibling having a better birth than the other.

With a couple of months distance from the event, it has gotten easier but I wouldn't recommend waiting for that . Just find the help you need now.

Another one whose births didn't go according to plan but really, get some counselling.

Don't let this define your memories of childbirth, however the 'birth' was.

(And I say this as someone who had 4 children, 3 survived, never had a contraction in all 4 births and had to have c sections for all 4. Truly - not quite as I'd planned the wonder of birth!)

It is worth seeking a debrief and support. These are valid feelings that need acknowledging.

By the time my feelings about Ds1's birth really hit me, I also felt that it was too late. It really flared up in Ds2's pregnancy because of the legacy of DS1's birth on my birth choices. I sobbed on DS1's 1st and 2nd birthdays because the anniversary of the trauma of that day weighed more heavily on me than the joy of his birth. I had some extra support in Ds2's pregnancy (partly why it flared up on the second birthday) and on balance that birth went well which had a lot of healing power. Now it feels like an old scar that is ignored most of the time rather than a fresh wound that actively hurts.

With hindsight, I should have sought help sooner. Both of us recovering to full health was not consolation enough.

I can totally understand how you feel. I had a very difficult birth with my son, both my partner and U felt as though we had been in a battle by the time we had got home. We sat at the table and just stared at each other shocked. It really helped to write it all down.

I was part of another forum at that time and the other members convinced me to write down a comprehensive 'report' of what happened. At first I was reluctant but once I actually poured it out it became less painful as a memory, I was quite surprised!

I'm back feeling nervous again now as I'm in my second tri after three miscarriages and there is a chance I may need a planned c section this time. I really want another VBAC but I also really want a healthy live baby. So I'm trying exceptionally hard to just embrace whatever birth is right for me and concentrate on the sole objective which was/is to have another child.

Massive hugs to you and please talk to someone if you can or at the very least write it all down, as much detail as you can remember, and maybe forgive it and then burn it or keep it in a box or something. Whatever feels right to you.

A live birth shouldn't be considered such a terrible failure. Only in middle class England. Medical intervention is not a crime it's something you are quite unique in enjoying for free without limits.

I want to second what Alfieisnoisy said.

If you are crying over a year after the birth then this has nothing to do with natural versus intervention or lost chances and everything to do with the trauma you experienced in the process.

It is not normal to be so upset such a long time after.

It is totally normal to be traumatised by a birth experience such as the one you described and suffer a variety of traumatic mental health problems as a result.

PTSD is not the only issue here - if you don't feel you fit that diagnosis there is also post traumatic depression to consider.

I had a reasonably similar birth experience and am now receiving treatment for post traumatic depression and it has made all the difference in the world to me.

I desperately hope you can find the same kind of healing.

Dc2 dp didnt cut the chord. It was a natural birth but there was meconium in the waters and they cut it quickly to check her over.
So i would say birth is unpredictable.
I agree with pp about there being no natural labour, whatever you need to survive it really.
Also no one (except mw) will pat you on the back for having no pain relief. So i think take what you need.
Everyone will feel a different amount of pain, reading threads some people feel no more than period pain.
I had an epi with dc1 and forceps and ventouse, but for me that was better than dc2 and the tear i got.
to those pp who had such bad experiences.
I think the lack of control in labour is hard and it should be made clear by the midwives that birth plans need to be flexible.

You aren't at all unreasonable to be traumatised by what happened to you. Do get a debrief and consider counselling.

Unfortunately natural labour can go naturally very wrong too, and when it does it can be terrifying. It fails more often than not to live up to the romanticised version of it.

I had a very traumatic "natural" first birth experience with my DD1 20 years ago and it was just a real relief that we were both OK at the end of it. DD2 3 years later still entailed a few problems but was generally better. DD3 back in 2002 was an emergency c-section at 35 weeks but was the best experience of the lot because I preferred the c-section to everything that had gone before.

Sending you some ,.

too for Winterbaby.

You do need some therapy to deal with your feelings.

"Natural birth" (daft term) is over-rated. My last natural birth left me with long term injuries, I can't even walk properly. C-sections are brilliant things when indicated.

I hope this reads right and not as a 'stealth boast'. I have been extremely lucky and had 3 easy births, 2 of them born at home.
I can guarantee you it doesn't make me a better mother, nor do I love my children any more than you do. It simply means I was lucky, and could get on with life quicker and more comfortably than you.
It must be devastating to feel like you do, and do get the help others have advised, but don't think it makes you any less a loving parent, because birth is only the very beginning.

You may have lost out on your natural birth, but you gained a happy and healthy future for both you and your baby.
Getting a debrief and talking about your feelings will help.

You might also be interested in new guidelines published last week about how the NHS should manage women wanting a vaginal birth after a CS - apparently they are meant to be trying to be more supportive of women's choices and open about the pros and cons. So it might be worth talking through your options in light of the new guidelines (although I don't know how your individual circumstances might affect your risks).
www.rcog.org.uk/en/guidelines-research-services/guidelines/gtg45/

I should add that I recovered far more quickly from my c-section than I did from my so-called "natural birth".

Don't feel stupid about asking for a debrief and counselling a year or more later. That is very little time, you are clearly still suffering and you are trying to work out how you feel with regard to having another baby.

it took me a long time to get over the (EMCS) birth of my first son. The mild PND and anxiety I suffered after it was linked to it, looking back. It also led to an inability to breastfeed and then guilt about that.

I only sought a debrief and counselling when I was pregnant with my second son 2 .5 years later, but I am so glad I did so.

I planned on a hippynobirth . No pain relief but breathing. Ended up with an induction, on a drip, morphine, g&a, epidural and avoided forceps by the skin of my teeth (or rather the skin of my vagina). I am 40 so this may be my only baby. I did feel robbed an started to dwell a bit. But then I figured the birth is primarily about me and my experience. My baby is hail an hearty. She doesn't and won't ever give a shit about whether I breathed her out under the light of a full moon, or if she was prised out of me with forceps and a hoover whilst I was off my tits on drugs. For me dwelling on my birth experience seemed a bit self indulgent with a newborn to look after. However, I do completely recognise that every woman experiences birth differently and it sounds like you had a particularly tough time. If a year on you are still fretting over this I think you should ask for a birth debrief and also speak to a counsellor. You may also want to talk to some women who have had c sections to hear their experiences first hand. I was dead set against an epidural. I thought it would make me feel not present. The opposite was true. I was soooooooo tired and in so much pain. The epidural allowed me to sleep so when it came to pushing I was able to push her out myself. You can and will get over this. You just might need a bit of help.

Never fancied a VB. my 2 ELsections were fab, lovely and calm, no pain, great recovery , back driving that week and running again by 5 weeks after Each CS.

Topseyt

I also recovered more quickly, physically, from my first EMCS birth than from my second VBAC.

There was some satisfaction in having a vaginal delivery, but not all that much, and actually i a lot of that was around feeling more knowledgeable and open to accepting what might happen.

I was emotionally unprepared from an EMCS the first time and that was the crux of it, as well as being traumatised by the pain (I had a 13 hours labour, including an hour of attempted pushing, before the EMCS)

OP

neither of mine was breastfed. You have your whole life, and all the accumulated decisions about things to get right or wrong. How they were fed will pale into insignificance in years to come. I promise.

I had similar to you. Absolute horror birth. I think if you are a bit of a perfectionist it can be hard to have your control taken away.

I felt sad for quite some time but now I am just so grateful to the awesome medical and surgical team, the anaesthiologists and nhs for rescuing me and gorgeous dd.
Morbid to say but if I had been in labour in a poorer country then I might not be here and dd would probably be disabled.
Count you blessings is an old saying but it is a goodie.

Or, you could look upon this another way. Thanks to medical intervention, neither you or your baby died. Which is what might have happened by the sounds of things back in the dark ages of all 'natural' births (and still in many counties where women are unfortunate enough to HAVE to have 'natural' births)

I didn't have the birth I wanted with DC1 either. It wasn't a complete horror show - I've heard of worse - but it left me traumatised enough to end up with a fear of hospitals.

This eventually translated into me having a bit of a meltdown with the consultant during my 2nd pregnancy and telling her I would rather give birth on the street than in their hospital .

She was utterly horrified that I'd never been offered a debrief and instantly arranged one, nearly 3 years after DC1 was born. Your hospital should be able to arrange it too.

It gave me the tools to work out in my own time that natural birth isn't the be-all and end-all. Surviving is more important. They saved your life and that of your baby. That's the most important thing.

I just want to add that (speaking as someone who's had 1 EMCS under GA and 1 elective CS - which was a great experience by comparison) those who have had easy births are lucky. While I don't wish to spoil anyone's sense of achievement in giving birth with the minimum of intervention - and I bet it really does feel like an achievement - it's quite wrong of the natural birth movement to make those who needed help feel like failures, just because they didn't have the right shaped pelvis, or their babies wouldn't go head down and face back, or their muscles wouldn't contract in exactly the right sort of rhythm, or there weren't enough of the right kind of hormones in the bloodstream at exactly the right time, or whatever the hell it is that makes these things go like a Sheila Kitzinger publicity piece.

I always like to think of Princess Charlotte in the 18th century to remind myself that birth was always a dangerous business and death in childbirth was no respecter of rank. Giving birth is a potentially fatal life event, not some sort of entrance exam that you 'pass' or 'fail'. And frankly I refuse to be valued on the competence (or otherwise) of my reproductive organs anyway.

Would it help to try and focus on the positive? You are so lucky to have had your child in a country where all the services you received were available to you at no cost. You are amazingly lucky to have had a healthy baby.

You had a horrible experience, but it could have been so much worse. If you only give attention to the negative side of what happened then you have next to no chance of getting over it, even with counselling.

That experience is over now, and if you have another child then it should be because you want another child, not because you want a better birth experience anyway. The birth is such a tiny part of being a parent. You need to find some perspective.

I think dd was at least 5 before I forgave myself for not being able to bf. I still get the odd twinge and she's 16!

I think you've been too busy to really get to grips with what happened, quite possibly a bit in shock too, and that needing answers now is perfectly reasonable and understandable. You are also mourning in a way, for something you assumed you would have if you wanted it - as most women do - but which has been taken from you.

I don't have any answers but you have my sympathy Don't try to deny the grief, you will need to feel it, and get through it. Maybe see a Grief Counsellor if it gets to the point.

Yanbu to be upset by your traumatic experience. There is so much emphasis placed on 'natural' birth now that women feel like they have failed to not achieve it. That's bollocks. You are no less of a mother to have had a c section. You still carried your child & love & care for it. In the end you gave birth by the safest means for you & your baby. That is more important than DH cutting the cord or some imaginary badge of honour.

Do you think other women are less of a mother if they had a c section? I would hope not. You perhaps need some help to gain perspective & deal with your feelings. Elective c sections can be a very calming & positive experience if you let them.