AIBU to feel cheated & robbed of natural birth

[sltorres9]

Hi all, I'm not going to go into too much detail but I gave birth in June '14, I didn't want much medical intervention but ended up with 2 epidurals, 2 diamorphine injections & a spinal block. Then I hemorraged (sp) had a blood clot, and was told I'd have to have a c section for any future babies.
But now the last two nights I've been sitting here sobbing my heart out. I'm gutted that my labour wasn't easy, that my partner wasn't able to cut the cord and he never will be able to. The section terrifies me, to the point where I actually don't want another baby. My labour has ruined it for me, aibu?

Sorry my mum said 'told you, you shouldn't of done it' as in got pregnant

So good you are getting help for this.

I never realised how depressed and anxious I was after DS1 until after I had DS2 (and felt completely different).

If it helps to get angry, get angry. If it's the alternative to blaming yourself, then so be it. Don't blame yourself, or allow others to do so.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think your issues with your mother and the difficulties of HG contributed more to your PND than the manner of your birth.

I am not saying I have no sympathy for you or others who had awful experiences. I gave birth last year and expected all my research to stand me in good stead of a manageable birth. I ended up screaming and in agony; 3 anaesthetistis over two hours struggled to get the epidural in (pethadine hadn't worked); I was repeatedly addressed by the wrong name by my midwife; forceps failed to get my dd out until my screams of 'Fucking cut me!' (twice) did the job. I've never felt agony like it. I then spent two hours in theatre having my retained placenta pulled out and my vagina being sewn up. No one asked if dh wanted to cut the cord and I didn't hold my daughter for the first two hours (which I thought was going to be of utmost importance to me when writing my birth plan as she was conceived via donor egg and I had niggling doubts about bonding with a non-bio child, IYKWIM).

So I do know about traumatic births. I'm not going to address Lurked's pathetic extrapolation that I would welcome a return to village idiots, I just think too much emphasis is put on the method of extracting our babies when all we really need to focus on is the end result, which is, hopefully, a healthy mum and baby.

P.s..I had PND too but who doesn't? It's rotten, but there is superlative help out there for anyone to access.

OP I've had two babies and have never gone into labour naturally (and now I never will). I had to have a c-section for the second one so I've only managed vaginal delivery once.

I did end up with a tiny preemie in SCBU and I beat myself up about that endlessly, though, for failing to grow him and keep him safe. Until I came to realise I'd kept him safe enough - he was alive, and well, and catching up - and thank god for modern medicine because without all that intervention, he wouldn't be.

He started school this year. Can you tell which of his classmates were born naturally and which weren't? Course not. Am I any less a mother because I couldn't push him out or get DS1 started without drugs? Nope, I've got eight years of sleepless nights and nappy changing and toddler tantrums and weaning and walking and settling at school and bedtime stories and looking for lost toys and treading on stray Lego bricks and everything else that goes into parenthood behind me. I've got years (hopefully) of school traumas and teenagerdom and driving lessons and college and WORRYING ahead of me.

It sounds like you see birth as the first test of motherhood, and you feel like you've failed your baby? You haven't. Your feelings are the measure of how much you care about being a good mum. And I bet you are. Put it in context and be nicer to yourself?

Glad you're on the right track to feeling better about it op.

Oof. OP, it sounds as if you are struggling with other issues and have projected them (quite understandably) on to your labour. If your own mother told you you were 'wrong' to get pregnant, then no wonder you felt a need to prove how 'well' you could do it...and therefore got the mistaken and entirely false impression that this meant you had to have a completely natural birth with no intervention and be ready to do it again and so on.

Imagine everyone you told about your pregnancy was nothing but delighted and excited for you. Imagine if, after your labour, your mother and everyone you cared about had just said, "Go you, you did it, you endured something bloody tough and look at this beautiful baby you've now got! You're awesome!" I am saying that to you, by the way. Because it's true. And it would be just as true if you'd given birth under an oak tree with a chanting shamen, or by C section in a hospital.

Would you still feel this way about your labour?

I think you do need some professional help on this, but it's becoming clearer now where your feelings are coming from. Your labour has nothing to do with what sort of mother you are, nor what sort of person you are. You are a great mother and you should start believing that.

Lovely post, Sheba

^ what Sheba said

Glad you are getting a debrief OP.

My 5th baby was born in June last year too. My 4th was born in 2013. I had sections both times and both boys were premature and in the NICU for a while. Both were unplanned pregnancies. Both pregnancies were seen as bad news by my family. DS4 was never critically ill but was diagnosed with some health issues before birth, some more after birth and has had long term health issues and disabilities. DS5 was born not breathing and it took 40 minutes for him to be stable enough for them to move him out of theatre to the NICU. He is doing very well now though, only has mild development delay and was discharged from physio this month. (DS's 1, 2 and 3 were straight forward quick vaginal births)

I found both births extremely traumatic and I'm still on a hefty dose of anti-ds. I've just done what sheba suggested to try and work out what part of my sons births I was actually traumatised by. I think I would have coped with the C-section recovery better if I'd had my baby with me and not had to go to and from nicu all the time. I think if I'd had my fears acknowledged more before and more sympathy/reassurance afterwards I would have felt more positive. If I'd had births with quick recoveries I would have been able to get to and from NICU much easier, spent more time there and coped better with being apart from them.

I have arranged a debrief, the sister midwife is going to speak to the consultant who delivered my baby and get an appointment. I never had a section, I had a forceps delivery but I was told because of how badly my labour had gone that I'd have to have a section next time
Truly this has been eye opening and has made me start to realise that my labour going so wrong is not my fault

Well done op, call and try as many organisations as you like. talking about it, getting it into persepective etc will all help you have taken the right steps

My consultant who granted me my section was part of BTA and it showed, she was a human and kind person

Good i am glad you are having a de brief i do hope this helps you move forward btw your mother was wrong just because a woman has the equipment does not mean she can deliver vaginaly you or your body did not fail anything you listened to your mum when you were vulnerable and it seems to have stayed with you.

theswallowing you cannot and should not extrapolate from your experience to anyone else. Some people come back from war with PTSD. Others who saw exactly the same things don't. Just because your horrific birth didn't leave you with lasting trauma doesn't mean that someone else experiencing the same thing wouldn't be.

You don't get a choice about whether or not an experience triggers trauma and causes PTSD. It is just something that happens or doesn't and it certainly isn't the same triggers from one person to the next.

Your birth sounds exactly the same as how mine went!

The consultant told me I would need a section for any future pregnancies but this was not recorded in my notes (it turns out that a few other things weren't recorded as well) so I'm worried that this will not be taken into consideration.

Does anyone know who I could speak with about this? I mentioned it to my midwife when she came out to me after I had just got home from hospital but she totally dismissed what I said as it wasn't in my birth notes.

stink if you are wanting a C-section in the future then I think the most straight forward approach is to demand one. Don't worry about why you are demanding it, or get into long discussions about the ins and outs of your previous birth experience. Just tell the midwife you want an elective C-section because you do.

stink go back to consultant speak to pals, email them....

and yes any problems with new consultants just keep quoting old one.
It sickens me that women have to go through this it really does.

Its our body.