Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt one of my best friends is not coming to my ds party because she's doing diy

159 replies

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 13:36

Been a difficult few years for various reasons
Having. Party for our sons birthday and one of my friends has said she won't be coming as she's doing diy

There's no emergency reason why this diy needs doing urgently
And tbh it's hurt my feelings

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 07/10/2015 16:38

I didn't enjoy kids parties when I was actually a child, apart from the food and the party bag when leaving. As an adult, about to have their own child, parties are one I'm dreading, all that noise and mess (and any child under 5 or so don't even remember it). So, if I was childfree, I would also probably find anything to do rather than go to a toddler's party, I'm afraid. I mean she's basically said in a much kinder way that she would rather watch paint dry, and that's her perogative. If it was your birthday, I could very much understand, but your child won't even miss her being there. Just enjoy it for what it is, not for who's not there.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/10/2015 16:53

I think we can agree to differ on this Constance.

Try to forget about it and enjoy your child's birthday party op.

Girlfriend36 · 07/10/2015 16:55

When my dd was much younger my 2 best friends used to come to her parties, then one year when dd was about 3yo they both said they hated kids parties and it was weird to go to one when you haven't got a child of your own Grin I was fine about it and get their point, kids parties can be hellish!!

Yabu to not understand why she might not want to go.

Sallystyle · 07/10/2015 17:02

OP, you are looking at this all wrong.

If I got an invite to a party when I didn't have children I would think I was being asked mainly out of politeness. I would never dream it would hurt the invitee by not going.

I don't understand the reasons why you have attached so much importance to your friend going to the party but for whatever reason you have and therefore you are seeing this as a personal slight to you because your friend is not attending an event that you have placed so much importance on.

If you had told her what it meant to you and she still refused to come then I might understand your hurt a little more, but for your friend she is simply declining to go to a child's party which she thinks makes no difference to you if she is there or not, and a kids party is as boring as hell. Your friend has no idea that this is important to you (unless you stated it was) so you are hurting over something she wouldn't consider to be hurtful. She hasn't let you down or anything, she is just viewing it as a kids party and you are attaching significant importance to it that most don't.

ilovesooty · 07/10/2015 17:04

I don't think anyone should have to attend unappealing events out of duty quite honestly. Life's too short.

DiscoDiva70 · 07/10/2015 17:44

Op
If you have this attitude with friends when they don't do as you want and expect, I'm surprised you actually have any Hmm

Maudofallhopefulness · 07/10/2015 17:47

I would rather wash my husband's pants than go to a toddler's party unless my DC were going.

Mehitabel6 · 07/10/2015 17:47

I can't imagine why she would want to unless she had a child she was taking.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/10/2015 18:26

I am in the same wave-length as ovenchips and LaContessa here. I felt a great instinctive sympathy as I read your posts. I think the problem is that, for you, there is a great symbolic meaning in this party. You haven't actually said, but I wonder if you have had a lot of difficulty and heartache having your son and, since it wasn't possible to celebrate his first birthday as you were ill, the second birthday is the natural substitute? There is a lot of significance in a first birthday - it really is a celebration of the life of the child and parents normally get more presents and much more interest in terms of friends and relatives attending a first birthday party. You couldn't have a first-birthday celebration so you are having one a year later. Your friend is very important to you and you hoped that she would intuit how significant this event is to you. You see it as an emotional event - a milestone in your life - that you wanted her to share with you. It hurts you that she doesn't see it this way and I understand your feelings.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/10/2015 18:48

Bettercallsaul1 has nailed it, very articulately!

If you care enough to extend an invite then you care enough to be sad if they decline, in my world.

Duckdeamon · 07/10/2015 18:48

YABU!

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/10/2015 19:07

The other thing thing is: a toddler party does not have to be complete bedlam! Everyone is assuming it will be roomful of of screaming children, demanding constant attention, but I have been to several 2-year-old parties where the parents (very sensibly!) restricted the numbers to three or four while still having the whole party paraphernalia - cake, balloons, decorations etc. In this scenario, the children mostly played perfectly peaceably while the adults stood around talking with glasses of wine and nibbles in hand, so a nice social event for both generations! If this was what the OP had planned, it would have been an opportunity to see and talk to a very close friend without her friend feeling she needed to run for the hills!

reni2 · 07/10/2015 19:22

Even then they are hard, BettercallSaul. Better than the pure kiddie kind, but still. It's impossible to talk to somebody at a party who has a demanding 2-yo hanging on her wrist and barging in unless your own 2-you hangs on yours. For a childfree person to have to do this is hideous (I remember it well). It is easy to forget for us parents that more than one toddler is really hard to stand unless one of them is yours and you are battle-hardened.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 07/10/2015 19:23

There really isn't that much significance in the first birthday of a child to anyone but their parents, and possibly granparents, if you are lucky. These recent posts are terribly dramatic, assigning huge significance to everything. It sounds really very wearing for your friends, the emotional drama of small things.
I can't imagine the hurricane you would unlaunch if someone didn't come to your wedding, for example.

Brioche201 · 07/10/2015 19:30

Op I am guessing your friend works? It is really quite unreasonable to expect her to give up part of her weekend.Yes I know it is only a couple of hours, but , especially at lunchtime, it really cuts into the day.
I am guessing this is your first child, but you will soon find out that although your world revolves around your DC , to other adults (except maybe their GPs) they are a big yawn.

Tiredemma · 07/10/2015 19:33

I really wouldnt be interested in a toddlers bday party.

Gaspard · 07/10/2015 19:39

Hi, OP. Just curious because you said you'd do it for someone else. Is there a reason why you need or want it done for you? Do you need help/support or company? I guess I just wanted to understand why it's important. If it was help you needed I'd get it but it's clear you feel let down so an idea of why would perhaps help you think this through. I honestly wouldn't be offended in your place but we're all different and you're entitled to your feelings. Try not to let this spoil your friendship if it's one you want to keep.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 07/10/2015 19:42

Why would she want to come to a party for a 2 year old when she doesn't even have children of her own? Confused If she works all week her weekend time is precious and she has a lot of stuff to fit in. It's not like your DS is her nephew or her Godson, he's just a mate's baby.

I wouldn't want to come either, if that were me.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/10/2015 19:43

The thing is that you're right, Constance - the adults at a first birthday party are the ones with a special interest in the child and parents - usually just close family members. But it's possible to have a friend - or more than one - who is actually as close or even closer than family members. It sounds as if the OP and this friend have a very close bond and that the friend is aware of, and supported her with, the serious problems the OP has fought through over the past few years. I think this is an unusual situation, where the normal rules don't apply - a very close friend who the OP depends on plus OP having emerged from what sounds like a couple of terrible years.

reni2 · 07/10/2015 19:45

That's true, Gaspard, might even be practical help that is needed. I had a lovely child free friend help me out at a whole class gig once. Quite a big ask, 30 four-year-olds, but she was fab. I didn't invite her though, I asked her for help (telling her a no was the most likely and understandable answer). So if you are after help, say so.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/10/2015 19:55

reni2 - it can definitely happen! At my daughter's second birthday party, we invited her two little friends who she played with all the time (plus their mums who were my friends) along with her cousin and auntie. The four of them played happily in our house - which they were all familiar with - requiring almost no attention while the mums, granny and I stood around chatting, and having a glass of wine. It was genuinely sociable for the adults because some of them didn't see each other often and enjoyed having a catch-up. Result!

PS the whole scenario was repeated when the friends had their parties later that year. The children invited were different but the numbers were kept low, which I think is the secret. I once read that, for young children's parties, the number of guests should equal the birthday child's age so: three children in total for a two-year-old's party, four for a three-year- old etc. There's safety in (low) numbers!

CrumbledFeta · 07/10/2015 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapBag · 07/10/2015 21:37

YABU. How can you compare this to you feeling obliged to go to your aunts party? Confused

Your friend has done nothing wrong. She is your friend. This party is for a 2 year old. Of course it's likely she wouldn't want to go. I'd only to go to a party with no DCs if it was family.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 07/10/2015 22:47

Sure, its possible to have a friend who is as close or closer than family, but that still doesn't mean that friend needs to do everything or go anywhere that you want them to, or get given out to with shitty texts if they don't.
And if that level of closeness actually exists, both parties are generally on the same page, not one complaining that the other isn't being sufficiently close!

It sounds as if the OP and this friend have a very close bond and that the friend is aware of, and supported her with, the serious problems the OP has fought through over the past few years. I think this is an unusual situation, where the normal rules don't apply - a very close friend who the OP depends on plus OP having emerged from what sounds like a couple of terrible years

That just reads like all-about-me on behalf of the OP. No feeling whatsoever as to any needs at all on behalf of the friend. Who doesn't seem to matter at all to you or OP. S'all take and no give.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 07/10/2015 22:57

YANBU to feel a bit hurt in context but YABU to let it affect your friendship and dwell on it. Be honest with your friend.

Just one thing - I know you are labouring the DIY point as if it's a trivial thing but when your home needs fixing, it needs fixing.