Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt one of my best friends is not coming to my ds party because she's doing diy

159 replies

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 13:36

Been a difficult few years for various reasons
Having. Party for our sons birthday and one of my friends has said she won't be coming as she's doing diy

There's no emergency reason why this diy needs doing urgently
And tbh it's hurt my feelings

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 07/10/2015 14:21

You sound hard work and unreasonable.
If I was your friend and you sent a PA text I'd think "fuck off".
I have children and would never attend a child's party.
I also wouldn't go to a party out of duty. I'd go because I wanted to enjoy myself and be with friends I liked, not to be a martyr.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2015 14:21

Yabvvvu, I think when I was childless, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to a kiddies party. DIY would be much better and enjoyable. Why don't you do him a little birthday tea, you, your ds, and invite your friend.

Original poster
Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:22

Perhaps I shouldn't be going to things I don't want to then
I do mean that genuinely I'm not being an arse

OP posts:
museumum · 07/10/2015 14:22

To be honest it depends how you phrased the invite.
We had a joint 2yr birthday for ds and housewarming. We only invited our friends, no random 2yr olds. We said that we were sorry we'd seen so little of all of our friends while house selling / buying / moving and we wanted to make it up to them with a big spread.
Tbh. If one of my best friends had said that actually they'd rather do some diy I'd have been mildly put out.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2015 14:23

An adult party, is totally different, to a kiddie one, with noisy screaming kids, all trying to pull at you to get your attention, blooming cheesey children's entertainer who is more cheesy than, the cheese bit in a French hypermarket.

reni2 · 07/10/2015 14:23

Yes, turning down your party would be different.

Never been to a child's party unless I was the +1 of the child invitee. This includes nieces and nephews. Never invited a grown up to a child's birthday party, either.

anothernumberone · 07/10/2015 14:23

Oddnoddle that is different, it is going to another adult's birthday.

However notwithstanding that with a child in toe you are going to have to learn to say no when things don't suit. We have 3 children and work full time we cannot get to everything, even stuff we would serious value like my dh's god daughter's birthday clashed with a wedding. We have also been doing a fair bit of diy and we have had to take the opportunities that pop up even forgoing other things we would like to have attended, that is life. Heaping expectation onto other people like you are doing is unfair IMHO. You are expecting her to value your ds' birthday almost as you do which is unreasonable. She has something else to do, a child's birthday is understandably not that important, let it go.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 07/10/2015 14:23

Is your aunt two? Then its not the same thing. And if you didn't want to go you shouldn't have.

You've decided not to send a shitty reply? Confused do you often send your friends shitty texts then_?

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2015 14:24

Mabey your friend could make an effort and come for half an hour or hour, but I would not expect a childless friend to want to come to a kids party.

Scobberlotcher · 07/10/2015 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laffymeal · 07/10/2015 14:26

Yes op, you can say no if you feel compelled to please people perhaps work on your self worth a bit more.

mmmuffins · 07/10/2015 14:26

YABU to expect her to come to a 2 year old's party. I don't understand how she is "doing something for you" by coming. You will presumably be minding small children most of the time?

Trinpy · 07/10/2015 14:26

I think yabu to expect her to spend 2 hours at a 2 year olds party when she doesn't have dcs herself but I don't think yabu to feel hurt. Pre dcs I definitely wouldn't want to go to a children's party but if I was invited I would still make the effort to pop by with some cheap tat a little present or post a card of they lived further away. I would also make up a better excuse than a non urgent diy job. It's just a nice polite thing to do for your friend imo.

Also please don't send any of those texts. Just send something normal like 'ok, hope to see you soon'. I think this may be affecting more because you're feeling a bit down generally. Is everything ok op?

Pumpkinpositive · 07/10/2015 14:26

Wall tbh i did go to my aunts party last a while Bach which I didn't want to go to for various reasons, but i went out of duty really

Presumably your aunt asked you to go and wanted you to be there?

Your two year old on the other won't understand the concept of invitations, probably won't notice your friend's absence and definitely won't remember it, far less feel hurt or snubbed by her absence.

Ok, well I won't send a shitty reply then

Hmm Only if you you want to lose the friendship.

ovenchips · 07/10/2015 14:26

Hi OddNoddle. I can feel your hurt in the posts. You've had a rough few years and to you this party is a celebration of not only your DS's second birthday but a celebration that better times are here. You spent your last DS's birthday in hospital which sounds really rough.

You were really hoping that your good friend would understand the significance of this party to you, recognise that you want to be able to celebrate good times for a change and that she would want to be with you to do that. I totally get that.

I think the issue is though, that all the significance you attach to the party is not there to your friend. She is seeing it as what is says on the invitation - a 2 year old's party. Which given that she doesn't have children makes it quite a straightforward decision to not go. Most people wouldn't go to a friend's child's party unless they had to. Wink

So I think you have 2 choices: a) either you explain to your friend the significance of the party to you and say you would really like her to be there, or b) work through your own feelings and realise that it is your issues that are making you feel hurt and that your friend has not 'caused' them as such.

mumblechum1 · 07/10/2015 14:26

Why not just go out with her for a drink or meal? She wouldn't even be able to talk to you much whilst you're wrangling toddlers.

Far better to have some one to one time with her imo.

givemushypeasachance · 07/10/2015 14:26

Think of it this way: if you were appearing in a play and invited her along to watch and celebrate with you afterwards, that's one thing. But it's different inviting her along to watch your child in a preschool play. She's your friend, and inviting her to celebrate your birthday is a social event between the two of you. But most people don't feel compelled to attend their friends' kids' parties and events - that is for family and as they get older the childrens' friends!

starfishmummy · 07/10/2015 14:30

Yabu. I have never been asked to a friends child's party. Nor did it occur to me to ask my fiends to my sons parties

Original poster
Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:30

museumum it's interesting your the only other person who would be a. It put out

Perhaps it's just the reason I find a bit upsetting
Doing diy

OP posts:
AndDeepBreath · 07/10/2015 14:31

It might not actually be DIY you know. There are hundreds of reasons that people avoid social situations - from prior clashes to needing some alone time to personal issues ranging from "My God I have horrific wind at the moment, I really need to avoid seeing people", to "I'm depressed and can't handle parties" or "I wish I had kids, I can't bear going and being reminded". Or (is this what you think?) "I can't bear seeing so and so this weekend".

The point is, you shouldn't be so snarky if someone can't jump to your command. If you want to see them, explain why. If you can see them at a different time instead, arrange that. So TALK TO HER.

And no. You're right. Don't go to things you don't want to with that attitude, you're doing no one any favours and life is too short.

Are you depressed? Do you have any RL support aside from this friend?

Original poster
Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:33

Thanks oven chips that reply has really made me cry

OP posts:
ovenchips · 07/10/2015 14:34
Flowers
DoJo · 07/10/2015 14:34

Personally, in your friend's position, I would expect that you had invited me in order to include me, without any real expectation that I would come because really, a 2 year old's party is not a place where additional adults are required or particularly helpful. If she was assuming you asked her to be kind, then saying that she had some DIY to be doing wouldn't be a snub so much as a way of saying 'don't worry about me - I've got plenty to be getting on with and I'll see you when we can spend some time together' i.e. not while you will be trying to entertain toddlers and their parents whilst keeping your son from getting too overwhelmed.

AndDeepBreath · 07/10/2015 14:35

.... Why don't you send her a message a bit like oven's then and explain?

She probably has no idea you're feeling this way!

reni2 · 07/10/2015 14:35

My first reaction to a children's party invite is usually "Shit, another Sunday afternoon gone doing painful small talk among screaming kids whilst eating pombears and mini sausage rolls at a non-mealtime." I am a parent and my child will go and love it so I suck it up and act excited.

As a non-parent my response would be shit- pombears, toddlers, smalltalk on MY Sunday. I would say sorry, DIY or sorry, out of town though.