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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt one of my best friends is not coming to my ds party because she's doing diy

159 replies

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 13:36

Been a difficult few years for various reasons
Having. Party for our sons birthday and one of my friends has said she won't be coming as she's doing diy

There's no emergency reason why this diy needs doing urgently
And tbh it's hurt my feelings

OP posts:

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 07/10/2015 14:06

You keep saying you do things for others... do you do absolutely everything anyone asks of you, go everywhere you are ever invited etc? If so, stop it, its weird.
You sound rather needy re your friends. If you expect too much from people they can only ever disappoint you.
Your two year olds party is for his friends, not yours. Have a party for your friends if you want one!

Original poster

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:09

I don't really want to go into why it's been a v difficult few years as it will probably been seen as massively over sharing and a sympathy vote

When sympathy etc doesn't change a thing

I don't feel I need her there for back up or anything

I suppose I it make me feel less valued by her. For some reason in suppose I think I'd do it, so I expect others to

OP posts:

laffymeal · 07/10/2015 14:09

There are probably several things she would expect of you but you don't think they are particularly important, you are being very self absorbed op, don't send her a shitty text, she's been honest with you and done nothing wrong, you've just decided to take umbrage and that's your problem not hers.

regenerationfez · 07/10/2015 14:09

You keep saying you 'do things for others' as if you think she doesn't do anything for you ever. You are not being blown out, she may be desperate to see you alone and not sit in a corner while you run around pouring squash for a bunch of toddlers, because that's what you do when you are hosting a children's party. If she works full time, the weekends are the only time she would get to do the diy. It's 2 hours at the house, but it might break up the day, may take up time for her getting ready, travelling to and from and then maybe time afterwards to chat. It's all day.

Scobberlotcher · 07/10/2015 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:10

Wall tbh i did go to my aunts party last a while Bach which I didn't want to go to for various reasons, but i went out of duty really

OP posts:

BondGate · 07/10/2015 14:10

Unless you want her to help host the party, or provide some sort of buffer between you and other adults you don't want to talk to, what has her (non) attendance at this party got to do with "doing things for others"?

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2015 14:11

The difference is you aunt probably expected you to be there. I can't imagine many adults without a child really think their friend expects them to come to their two year old's party out of duty.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/10/2015 14:12

If I had planned to do some DIY, I would not be keen to have to stop, clear up, change, go out, come back, start all over again. I'd rather just crack on with the job until it was finished.

Perhaps she doesn't realise what a big thing it is for you and is assuming you will be busy with your other guests.

LeaLeander · 07/10/2015 14:13

Hi, delurking here to say please don't take it personally. If she works and does her own DIY, those weekends are like gold. I have mine planned out through the first of the year to achieve necessary projects to keep the house in shape and so on. As others have noted, taking a mid-day break to clean up, shower, dress, attend party, return home, etc. costs a lot more than two hours and could derail not only that weekend's projects but have a domino effect on upcoming time off and projects. All for the dubious pleasure of standing around watching a toddler who has no idea what is going on and won't remember the occasion tomorrow.

It's no reflection on her fondness for you or your child.

laffymeal · 07/10/2015 14:13

Just cause you're a people pleasing martyr doesn't mean everyone else should.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/10/2015 14:13

And I'm not sure I would want anyone to attend a party of mine solely out of duty - it would rather take the shine of it for me.

Original poster

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:14

Ok, well I won't send a shitty reply then

OP posts:

BondGate · 07/10/2015 14:14

And this really shouldn't make you feel less valued by her. She's not turning down an invite to your birthday party, or refusing to meet up with you for a chat, or anything like that.

This party is for your son, you're presumably going to be mainly focused on making it fun for him, not socializing with your friends. At least that's what I'd be assuming if I were invited to a 2 yr old's party.

RainbowFlutterby · 07/10/2015 14:15

Unfortunately OP you can't realistically expect other people to live their lives how you live yours.

molyholy · 07/10/2015 14:15

If I could get out of going to kids parties, I would tbh. Can't wait until I am allowed to leave DD alone at parties. You seem to be pinning alot on this like your friend is not a good friend if she doesn't attend. Why don't you say 'if you've finished your diy by time 2yr old is in bed, come round for a wine/tea, I will certainly be ready for it'?

Original poster

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:15

So why is it my duty to go to an aunts party then?

OP posts:

Scobberlotcher · 07/10/2015 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pandarific · 07/10/2015 14:16

YABU, sorry. It's the kind of thing you go to only if you have children yourself and they are friends, or you are a relation. A two year old's birthday party is really not going to be fun for most grownups.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 07/10/2015 14:17

Its not your 'duty' to go to anyones party. I go to parties if im available and if not send apologies. However a grown up relative who knows me and im able to have a conversation with is slightly different to attending a toddlers tea party.

pandarific · 07/10/2015 14:17

So why is it my duty to go to an aunts party then?

It's not really. You can make it so, but in reality you don't HAVE to do anything.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 07/10/2015 14:18

I have a DIY list as long as my arm and I would refuse to attend my beat friend's wedding right now if it was this weekend! [overwhelmed]

AndDeepBreath · 07/10/2015 14:18

Don't just "not send a shitty reply" and turn all passive aggressive on her FGS.

If you can't articulate why you want her there beyond "I demand it" then why should she go?

If there are real reasons beyond vaguely wanting her to pay you back a favour, then maybe call her and say it's actually really important to you for XYZ reasons. If she can't be there, arrange a meet up later for a coffee and a chat or something.

I'm childless and would hate that party as I'd feel out of place and lonely. But if I knew my BFF was terrified of hosting alone or something I might be able to help. Does that make sense?

Otherwise you're just coming over a bit dramatic and martyr like....

Chewbecca · 07/10/2015 14:19

I would suggest replying with a suggestion that you go for a drink/coffee/whatever you do together. If she accepts that, all is well.

I've never invited my best friend to DS's bday parties, that's not a time for me and BF, it is a time I am focussed on my Ds, his friends and his friends parents or whoever is there.

Original poster

Oddnoddle · 07/10/2015 14:20

So would it be different if she turned down my birthday party for doing diy then?
Just asking out of interest to try and understand these social rules

OP posts:

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