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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to (metaphorically) slap this child?

176 replies

Narnia72 · 06/10/2015 22:16

I take my 3 kids (7,5,3) for swimming lessons all at the same time. Bit of a bun fight, but gets it all out of the way on one evening. However, changing the 3 of them together after swimming when they're cold and tired is always a nightmare. The 7 and 5 year old can dress themselves but they've had an hour of gymnastics before and so I usually help to hurry them up as otherwise it takes forever. The 3 year old needs help and they all need help to wash their hair.

At our swimming pool the changing room is communal. There are lots of individual cubicles, 2 group changing rooms and 1 large family/disabled room with a shower in.

I can't fit us all into the individual cubicles, and sometimes the group rooms are locked. So, if possible, I try to use the large changing room. If it's not available often we end up changing in the public area, not ideal but easier than trying to have children all over the place. Anyway, for the last 4 weeks, this 8 yr old girl has been desperate to change in the big room. The first week she literally raced us to the changing room, I asked her if she'd mind if we used it and she shut the door on us! The next 2 weeks my girls got out a bit early and we got in there before her. She was livid and gave us what I can only describe as an evil eye both times (she was standing with her mum drying her hair where we came out).

This week the girls finished 10 minutes before the main lessons (private lesson ). The room was free so I started changing them then left them there to get my little boy (in group lessons). When I got back she and her mum were standing outside the changing room looking apoplectic. I said "excuse me" and knocked on the door for the girls to let me in. I could hear her practically tantruming outside and the mother saying "well you should have got out earlier." When I came out, they were both standing outside waiting for the room. The girl still dripping wet. As I came out she very rudely said "finally" and flounced past. I said "excuse me, that's a very rude thing to say". I was gobsmacked, both that they'd waited 10 minutes to access a changing room and that she was being so rude. The mum asked me what she said and then replied, quite sarcastically "well she's not good at waiting". Then went into the room. The other mums who saw the exchange were WTF???!

I don't want to compete for a room. If she gets or anyone else gets iin there first we absolutely will manage. I'm not precious, it just makes my life easier. But if she was my child, first of all I'd make her apologise for being rude to an adult, and secondly I'd be explaining that the family rooms are for families who need them and we can manage quite well in an individual cubicle. Child was NT as far as I could see; I am aware that she may have hidden issues. However, tbh she comes across as Verruca Salt! And if you were the mum and there were issues, wouldn't you at least apologise for your child's rudeness if you thought getting them to apologise wasn't going to work?

I feel like nipping in there before they all finish next week and shoving our stuff in, and putting a sign saying "yah boo, sucks to you" on the door. Would that be terribly childish??

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 07/10/2015 09:58

zzzzz I probably come in to contact with more children with special needs than the majority of people. I work with children who are everything from NT to severely disabled who need everything done for them (feeding, changing etc). Also children who are ASD, ADHD etc. Children from abusive backgrounds in foster care etc so I really do see it all.

That does not mean however that every time I see a child being a brat I immediately think SN.

zzzzz · 07/10/2015 09:58

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveChickens · 07/10/2015 09:58

I would steam inside my head but I would never say anything, though. Let's be clear. I would be calling them arseholes in my head.

zzzzz · 07/10/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsFrisbyMouse · 07/10/2015 10:01

Yes there are 'brattish' and 'vile' children out there. But they are never going to change if the adults they come into contact with are so often judgmental and confrontational. They are still children after all - and every adult they come into contact with has a responsibility to model good social behaviour.

It's not about whether each child we encounter has special needs or not - it's just about (trying to be) empathetic and non-judgemental and accepting our own social responsibilities.

zzzzz · 07/10/2015 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 07/10/2015 10:10

Rainbow then honestly, I find that strange. I'd have thought it would be the first thing that would pop into your head.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 07/10/2015 10:13

I could hear her practically tantruming outside and the mother saying "well you should have got out earlier."

that is the part of the op that makes me think no special needs, this is not a mother of a child with sn trying to stem a meltdown, using that comment to my own dc would be like waving a red rag to a bull. I know not all children are the same, I know all sn are different but come on you do not try to blame the child like that.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 07/10/2015 10:16

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bialystockandbloom · 07/10/2015 10:20

I don't have the time or inclination to care. I would always put my children first. Even if someone does has issues, it doesn't give them free ride to be rude to people. If you do let your child with issues to be rude or a brat, that's a real shame.

^ And this is exactly the kind of fucking casual disablist nasty shit which is seen on this site sometimes, but always left to stand.

To be clear, if someone does have "issues" (by which I am assuming you mean disabilities) it does give them free ride to be rude to people, because it is not being rude, it is having a disability. FFS go and educate yourself about conditions such as autism.

OP I don't know whether the girl is NT or not, but the "she's not good at waiting" line from her mum is something I might say about my own ds who has ASD, as a more subtle way of alluding to his condition which affects his behaviour.

Either way I'd think I'd try and deal with it without getting into a battle with an 8yo

honkinghaddock · 07/10/2015 10:22

If the child does have sn that won't go down well with the child or her mother.

rainbowunicorn · 07/10/2015 10:24

I find it more strange that having SN is the default setting for so many before considering anything else.

However we are all entitled to our own thoughts and opinions I can only go from my own experience.

With regard to the OP I can well believe it is just a child who fancies changing in there rather than any real need. This comes again from experience with my own children who would often ask to go in the big family rooms when there was no need. They liked it in there as it was warmer, they had their own shower and it was a comfortable place to change. They would sometimes moan if it was busy and they couldn't get in and start to play up and be difficult. They were just being kids testing the boundaries and soon gave up. If I had agreed to stand there and wait then allow them to be rude to other people about having to wait then they would still behave like that now. It still wouldn't mean that the had any kind of Special Needs just that I had enabled them to get their own way through being brats.

zzzzz · 07/10/2015 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anastasie · 07/10/2015 10:39

Just a heads up. Lovechickens is goading again. I would suggest you ignore her posts.

Samcro · 07/10/2015 10:39

Anastasie xx

LoveChickens · 07/10/2015 10:40

If a child is behaving inappropriately and not being pulled up about it then yes the parents are letting the behaviour happen.

If a child is a rude to me and the parents don't acknowledge it in any kind of way, then I would. I don't go around feeling sorry for everyone and thinking about the what ifs.

LoveChickens · 07/10/2015 10:42

Ana, stop stalking me. It's making you look a bit weird.

My views can't be goady if it's what I think.

SaucyJack · 07/10/2015 10:44

"if a child stands for 10 mins getting cold and ever more uptight,"

My 8 year refuses to wear a coat in all weathers, and will stand there shivering with her coat under her arm rather than put it on and lose the great Battle of the Pac-A-Mac that's entirely of her own creating.

Kids of that are frequently petty and competitive IME, and with cut of their noses to spite their faces for no other reason than sheer bloodymindedness.

PennyPants · 07/10/2015 10:45

You should challenge them to a duel with water pistols.

Seriously mind games with kids?
She only wants it because you do.

pictish · 07/10/2015 10:46

I don't go around feeling sorry for everyone and thinking about the what ifs.
Clearly. Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2015 10:46

Grin penny.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 07/10/2015 10:48

If 1 in 20 children have a disability, then 19 out of 20 don't and it is more likely that this girl is just rude.

Lots of people might say that their child isn't good with waiting. My dc can be very impatient at times. She doesn't have a disability.

Now if there is a reason for this child's behaviour, while the mum is under no obligation to explain, future interractions will be smoother if she does.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/10/2015 10:49

op, could you maybe stop to ask the mother (as politely and respectfully as possible) if her DD has a particular requirement for the room? Note that you're not asking her to divulge any details, just a simple expression of need. Maybe also state that the race for the room is getting a bit silly and that it would be good to work out some sort of compromise, as both parties clearly want to use it. One week on, one week off perhaps? Assuming that her DD is being precious rather than any other explanation, that is.

LoveChickens · 07/10/2015 10:49

I don't go around feeling sorry for everyone and thinking about the what ifs.
Clearly

Well yes, that's just what I said.

GoodnightDarthVader · 07/10/2015 10:50

If my SN child was being rude, I would acknowledge that their behaviour comes across as rude to others in a social environment, and I would explain that behaviour to others by explaining the child has SN. Otherwise I would firmly expect everyone else to think my child was just badly brought up.

I think explaining "these are the behaviours of someone with SN" does more for raising understanding of disabilities than ignoring it does, particularly as you are in an environment that requires at least some interaction (eg public pool) with others.