AIBU to want to (metaphorically) slap this child?

[Narnia72]

I take my 3 kids (7,5,3) for swimming lessons all at the same time. Bit of a bun fight, but gets it all out of the way on one evening. However, changing the 3 of them together after swimming when they're cold and tired is always a nightmare. The 7 and 5 year old can dress themselves but they've had an hour of gymnastics before and so I usually help to hurry them up as otherwise it takes forever. The 3 year old needs help and they all need help to wash their hair.

At our swimming pool the changing room is communal. There are lots of individual cubicles, 2 group changing rooms and 1 large family/disabled room with a shower in.

I can't fit us all into the individual cubicles, and sometimes the group rooms are locked. So, if possible, I try to use the large changing room. If it's not available often we end up changing in the public area, not ideal but easier than trying to have children all over the place. Anyway, for the last 4 weeks, this 8 yr old girl has been desperate to change in the big room. The first week she literally raced us to the changing room, I asked her if she'd mind if we used it and she shut the door on us! The next 2 weeks my girls got out a bit early and we got in there before her. She was livid and gave us what I can only describe as an evil eye both times (she was standing with her mum drying her hair where we came out).

This week the girls finished 10 minutes before the main lessons (private lesson ). The room was free so I started changing them then left them there to get my little boy (in group lessons). When I got back she and her mum were standing outside the changing room looking apoplectic. I said "excuse me" and knocked on the door for the girls to let me in. I could hear her practically tantruming outside and the mother saying "well you should have got out earlier." When I came out, they were both standing outside waiting for the room. The girl still dripping wet. As I came out she very rudely said "finally" and flounced past. I said "excuse me, that's a very rude thing to say". I was gobsmacked, both that they'd waited 10 minutes to access a changing room and that she was being so rude. The mum asked me what she said and then replied, quite sarcastically "well she's not good at waiting". Then went into the room. The other mums who saw the exchange were WTF???!

I don't want to compete for a room. If she gets or anyone else gets iin there first we absolutely will manage. I'm not precious, it just makes my life easier. But if she was my child, first of all I'd make her apologise for being rude to an adult, and secondly I'd be explaining that the family rooms are for families who need them and we can manage quite well in an individual cubicle. Child was NT as far as I could see; I am aware that she may have hidden issues. However, tbh she comes across as Verruca Salt! And if you were the mum and there were issues, wouldn't you at least apologise for your child's rudeness if you thought getting them to apologise wasn't going to work?

I feel like nipping in there before they all finish next week and shoving our stuff in, and putting a sign saying "yah boo, sucks to you" on the door. Would that be terribly childish??

8 year olds are not always the most reasonable and rational type...because they're 8.

Ds1 (who's 7) is a fairly mature and level headed kid. He still had a meltdown over a pair of socks a few weeks ago though because for some unknown reason they were really, really important to him on that day.

I don't think a stubborn 8 year old with a favourite room that she's prepared to race/wait for sounds that unusual at all.

The child's mother may be letting her use it for an easier life but the op is also wanting it for an easier life, not because she needs it.

Have to agree MinecraftWonder I see this kind of behaviour day in day out in the course of my work from children with no special needs.

In fact reading what you wrote about your son if you had started a thread saying about your sons meltdown over the socks you would have loads of people on here diagnosing him with ASD.

It is just very peculiar to mumsnet that every child being a brat must have a hidden disability.

Rainbow, you might just as well ask why is it only on MN that we get insight into the mind of a grown woman who gets into an aerated state about another child's behaviour instead of ignoring it and getting on with her own business and using the famu room regardless, or speaking calmly to the mum about wanting to use the room.

Probably a higher proportion of people on MN have experience of a range of conditions than those in your everyday circle. Because MN is a resource and a meeting place for those parents.

So high and mighty Brenda.

Have you never been irritated by someone else's brattish or rude behaviour?

Let's not forget that the op is presumably human

Some children are just brats without any additional needs. Some perfectly nice well behaved children sometime display bratty behaviour. We need to stop making excuses all the time and accept that

While I agree that some kids ARE just raging little toerags, I could not disagree with the statement above more!

We do NOT need to accept 'that'. We need way more awareness and education about hidden disabilities/additional support needs actually. That's not 'making excuses' - it's giving your little brain a workout and considering there may be more to a situation than meets the eye.
Don't be the sort of dumb-ass that makes sweeping statements based on pure rhetoric rather than knowledge and fact.

On reflection, the mum and daughter's reaction could easily be attributed to their actual entitlement to use the disabled changing room. If that was the case, from their perspective, they are being superseded by someone whose needs they think are less, same as the OP does.

If it's a family/disabled changing room both of them would be entitled to use it, and it's a case of first come, first served. If the kid is going to turn it into a race, then I'd put the two girls in one cubicle, me and the three year old in another, and go through to girls to chivvy them along once the three year old is ready.

Like a pp poster said, it is weird to have an eight year old as your enemy.

Probably a higher proportion of people on MN have experience of a range of conditions than those in your everyday circle. Because MN is a resource and a meeting place for those parents.

I have come to realise that that is absolutely true. There is more made of it on parenting forums (and it's not just mumsnet folks) because those parents are the ones who need and seek the solidarity and support of those who can relate.

What a vile child.

Some children are just brats without any additional needs. Some perfectly nice well behaved children sometime display bratty behaviour. We need to stop making excuses all the time and accept that

Totally this. It's very boring hearing all the excuses under the sun to excuse vile behaviour. Some kids are just arseholes.

Some lovely educated comments there.

Of course I have been irritated by bratty kids.

People are merely suggesting, from a position of experience, that the girl MIGHT have special needs.

Taking 3 young kids to the pool would stress me out big time, too, but It isn't the other Mum's fault that the OP has a packed night with 2 hours of gum and swimming with tired hungry kids on a school night!

Rolling your eyes at the very notion that a child might have SN is pretty dismissive so if I sound high and mighty for saying there is another view, you are entitled to think that , but I have my view too.

It's not that Mumsnet is peculiar. It's just, thanks to the parents who have children with special/additional needs - people have become more aware of other reasons for a child's behaviour beyond 'blame the parent' - a refreshingly empathetic response.

My first (NT) child was a dream - she did everything 'right' - and (much to my shame) can admit to competitive parenting in such situations. Doing (as one poster suggested up thread) loud praising in earshot of other parents who children I was judging to be badly behaved.

But believe me - those hoiked up judgey pants came back to strangle me and give a whole dose of humility when child 2 came along. A child who has a severe speech and language disorder with combined behaviour issues. Now I find myself on the receiving end of those looks and judgements - despite the fact I do actively parent and manage his behaviours.

It doesn't hurt to take a deep breath sometimes and think before judging. Village to raise a child and all that.

In response the the OP - you are being very unreasonable in using any language suggestive of hitting a child - but remember she is only a child and just deal with it calmly. You are perfectly within your rights to tell her if you think she is being rude. Or even talk to her - say that you have noticed she is keen to get that cubicle, but that you have a good reason for needing it - and that you will 'save' it for her after you have finished.

You can be educated and make comments that aren't PC. It's a very boring comeback, please think of something else!

I DARE you to get a combination padlock for the room. Pop in early and lock it up so you know it is ready for you to use. Also get a big red towel to roll out on the floor and get your children to process along it. Pleeeeease.

Lol the whole thread will now be a slanging match in a changing room.

love your comments certainly suggest you are not educated about disabilities!

So?

I've just re-read the op and am struggling to see any red flags at all that this girl has a hidden disability that would necessitate using the big changing room.

Surely, if the girl does have a real need to use it then her mum 'should' be the one having a quiet word with the op? People are not mindreaders and whilst you shouldn't feel obliged to explain your hidden disability, if it is so hidden as to make you seem physically and/or NT, you must be prepared for this sort of scenario surely?

I once (nicely) kicked two giggling 12 year old girls out of a disabled/family changing room at swimming...because there was no obvious need for them to use it and there was a woman waiting with three kids under 5 or so. Was I bu? Should I have left them there and assumed that they both had hidden disabilities so were obviously more entitled to it?

What is vile about waiting 10 minutes for a changing room to become free?

And "finally" is fair enough, seeing as you left the kids in there alone (probably they were slow/not doing much with you away for 10 minutes dealing with the other child?) .

I think you wbu for hogging a changing room for such a long time with other people waiting to get changed and the having an attitude and calling other people rude.

Are you denying then that there are some kids that are just brats? Or do they all have issues? I don't believe that at all. I only see this nonsense on MN.

Should I have left them there and assumed that they both had hidden disabilities so were obviously more entitled to it?

You would be unreasonable according to MN. You must always put other people's children before your own, you must know that!

Nobody has denied that, but unless you know that child you can not make that call to say they don't have a disability. Parents shouldn't have to explain to strangers. All people are suggesting is perhaps take a few minutes to stop and think before judging. Often their is a reason for such behaviour.