Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me what om earth dh means?

128 replies

Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 13:52

Long conversation last night about money/ childcare/ jobs. Background- dh and I earn equally , ds is 5 and DD 10 months. I'm on 3.5.days though so salary is pro rataed down, if that makes sense. Could anyone help me work out what he means, I'd be most grateful.

Conversation below is in response to me saying I'd like to go up to full time , DD is 10 months as we need the money. Him: 'I'd be really disappointed if dd was in nursery more than 3 days a week.'

Me- would you like to work part time then?

Him: 'don't be ridiculous. I have much greater earning potential than you (true- I'm public sector, he's IT). In fact you should invest in me and support me more, if you want me to earn more'

Me: 'I simply can't do anymore than I do- I do the majority of the child rearing, admin and housework, as well as night wakings. How can I support you more?'

Him: if you supported me more, I'd make more money. Think about it.

I felt he was emotionally blackmailing me.

Too harsh? Is this a reasonable conversation that other couples have? I had to change topic and wander off before shouting something incoherent.

OP posts:
HaydeeofMonteCristo · 05/10/2015 13:56

No idea what he means. Sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

If you have the same salary, how is his earning potential greater? Is he holding you responsible for getting him promoted somehow?

blibblobblub · 05/10/2015 13:56

Hmm. Sounds like he's being a dick. He clearly thinks his employment is more important than yours.

Surely if he's so against your DD being in nursery full time then he should reduce his hours to care for her instead.

winchester1 · 05/10/2015 13:57

He sounds like a twat. Is he normally one for thinking its the 50's?

Surely if you both work at earning more you will have more a family esp when the kids are getting older and more expensive.
Also are you married if you stay pt and support him (not sure what more you could do) are you protected, will you have a pension, rights to the property etc

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 05/10/2015 13:57

And it doesn't sound fair for you to be doing all of the night wakings as it is.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 05/10/2015 13:57

Hmm, i think he has some old fashioned ideas about 'me big man earner, you little wifey'

he does not like the idea of you earning more than him, or feeling you HAVE to work more to get more family money - nor of him him being a SAHP womens work

is everything else ok? could he be depressed?

Junosmum · 05/10/2015 13:58

Hmm. He was very vague as to what "support" he needs. Do you think he felt bad about not earning enough meaning you feel you need to go back full time? Obvs if you also want to go back full time that's ok, but a different conversation.

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 13:59

"Could he be depressed?" Eh? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he's just a dick.

BetaTest · 05/10/2015 14:01

"'I'd be really disappointed if dd was in nursery more than 3 days a week.'"

He wants the little woman at home dependent on him. Your child will not be harmed by being nursery 5 days a week. Mine enjoyed it and it was the only way me and DW could both work and share looing after our home and children.

Your DH is blackmailing you. Stand up to him. If you back down now it will eat away at you.

jorahmormont · 05/10/2015 14:02

Not going to beat around the bush. He sounds like a sexist self important knobhead.

RiverTam · 05/10/2015 14:03

Anyone who ends a sentence 'think about it', to their wife, no less, is a twat. If he's got something to say then say it, otherwise stfu.

Hornydilemma · 05/10/2015 14:03

Your civil service employment might be worth MORE to the family than his IT earnings if you take things other than just salary into account.

Do you have access to

  • flexible working/family friendly working patterns
  • decent pension scheme
  • peripheral benefits such as loans from employer, reduced cost membership to gym, professional qualifications paid for by employer
  • training and development on the job

Don't fall into the trap of considering your employment the one that has to go to the wall due to having a family based on salary comparisons only.

(plus his attitude that you have to take all the career/childcare hits stinks)

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 14:03

^ Grin

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 14:03

I would say, "With communication skills like that, promotion is never going to be likely."

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:04

Thanks for responses.... I don't think he's depressed. He's changed careers during our marriage, and now earns a lot less than he uses to. Frankly we are absolutely skint.

I worry that as posters say he is fundamentally very sexist.... He is a bit of a dick, yes. What a catchConfused

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 05/10/2015 14:04

^^ what jorah said.

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 14:04

Argh cross-posts! My Grin was at "Not going to beat around the bush. He sounds like a sexist self important knobhead."

NewLife4Me · 05/10/2015 14:05

it's obvious what he means.

If you go ft he believes you won't be able to give him the support he needs in his career. he doesn't want to be any more of a father than he is and no way will he be doing anything round the house or any childcare.
You were put on this earth to support him and if you can find something to fit in with him then fair enough.

Sounds lovely OP. Thanks

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 14:06

"I worry that as posters say he is fundamentally very sexist.... He is a bit of a dick, yes. What a catch"

In that case it's vitally important you go back to work FT. If you decide to split in future you will not regret for one minute hanging onto your career and financial independence.

Scarydinosaurs · 05/10/2015 14:07

You should have said "yes, but in what way? Where do you need the support?"

Because we certainly can't read his sexist mind

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:08

And I do have a very good situation with my job- flexible hours, autonomous, good pension, loan schemes, and so on. He doesn't really get any benefits. When I pointed out I would actually be on slightly more if I went full time, he was quite perturbed. He could, if he wanted, go back to his old job Which he hated in a contractor role and earn £800 a day, he tells me. I think this skews his perception of bow much he will earn in his current career, which is much more interesting to him and much more poorly paid.

OP posts:
winchester1 · 05/10/2015 14:09

Do you think you'd be better off starting a thread in relationships. It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg and maybe having a sounding board to discuss it all would be useful for you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/10/2015 14:10

He sounds self-important. He doesn't want you to be independent, he wants to be the important member of the family with you running around doing the unappreciated skivvying.

I have visions of him in a few years (if you don't stick to your guns) coming out with the following:

To Friends - Well of course I work hard doing blah blah blah which allows Shanolyooo to sit at home doing nothing... only joking love...

To You - As I earn the money I think I should get the final say on how we spend it!

OnlyLovers · 05/10/2015 14:12

When I pointed out I would actually be on slightly more if I went full time, he was quite perturbed.

Interesting.

If he'd be so 'disappointed' about your DD doing more time in nursery, he can fucking well cut his hours and look after her himself. Or do more admin/housework/child-rearing.

Also, I agree that 'Think about it' is a twattish thing to say to a partner.

KurriKurri · 05/10/2015 14:12

I don't understand what he is getting at - is he suggesting he could earn more by working longer hours if you worked less hours? What does he mean by 'investing' in him? In what way would he be 'disappointed' if your Dd was in nursery more than 3 days? -because he thinks it would be 'bad' for her, or because he thinks he would some how have failed in the earning department if his DD has to go to nursery full time because his wife is working?

He doesn't appear to think that your needs or wants are important anyway - sounds like a load of 50's twaddle to me, - it seems to be all about him, and how uber-important he is. I call sexist wanker.

NoSquirrels · 05/10/2015 14:13

My DH has on occasion come out with some dickish stuff about the DC in childcare long hours/too much/ etc. But he is always suitably conciliatory and ashamed when I point out the dickishness.

If you have already supported him changing career whilst having small DC, and you are willing to work FT to bring in more money, I really think he needs to stfu, as has been suggested.

The DC won't suffer, they really won't, and it will be much easier for you to work FT now if you have the opportunity and then drop back again when things are financially better and they are school age (when juggling schedules becomes tougher.)

And if it turns out he's not worth the effort, you still have your earning power.