To ask you to tell me what om earth dh means?

[Shanolyooo]

Long conversation last night about money/ childcare/ jobs. Background- dh and I earn equally , ds is 5 and DD 10 months. I'm on 3.5.days though so salary is pro rataed down, if that makes sense. Could anyone help me work out what he means, I'd be most grateful.

Conversation below is in response to me saying I'd like to go up to full time , DD is 10 months as we need the money. Him: 'I'd be really disappointed if dd was in nursery more than 3 days a week.'

Me- would you like to work part time then?

Him: 'don't be ridiculous. I have much greater earning potential than you (true- I'm public sector, he's IT). In fact you should invest in me and support me more, if you want me to earn more'

Me: 'I simply can't do anymore than I do- I do the majority of the child rearing, admin and housework, as well as night wakings. How can I support you more?'

Him: if you supported me more, I'd make more money. Think about it.

I felt he was emotionally blackmailing me.

Too harsh? Is this a reasonable conversation that other couples have? I had to change topic and wander off before shouting something incoherent.

Time for a spreadsheet:
Assuming that you go back to work full time:

The TOTAL value of your job (including benefits).
Cost of half the childcare, bills etc.

Same for him.

Hours worked per week.

then - each of you contribute xx hours of childcare/housework per week, OR use your salary to pay for a cleaner etc. (if you can afford one after bills)

Maybe point out to him how much he is holding you back, and how your life is being impacted by his presence. Then talk. Particularly about how you shouldn't actually value another person by their time/money input to a relationship, but he has made you feel that way so how does he intend to fix it?

I think you should say
"If we are holding you back, there's the door. Don't let it hit you on the backside on your way out."

What he is saying is that if you go back to work full-time you will be unable to "support" him to do even less than he does now. You can either point out that he does sweet f.a so a halving or doubling of his income makes little odds to your "support" and that

THE FAMILY NEEDS THE MONEY AND HE IS NOT PRODUCING IT, THROUGH CHOICE. Therefore something has to give.

So you both became parents and both work, but you went PT at some point. your income has previously enabled him to retrain for a lower paid/benefits, less secure job with less certain prospects than he had before or you have now. Plus you do much more than him in terms of childcare and domestic work.

If anyone should be disappointed here it's you!

How come you've got to a point of you doing so much at home and him so little anyway?

I think he means 'I am top dog and you should organize your life around making my life as good as possible'

I agree with Dinosaur, he wants his cake and eating it.

Now I would like to know, what do YOU want?
Do you want to go back full time for your career, your own enjoyment, whatever or would you prefer to stay at home with your dd?
Are you feeling like there is no other choice financially than going back full time because finances are stretched to say the least?

And how does HE feel about this new job? I know he enjoys it, much more than the previous one he had, and did some retraining etc... But knowing he actually doesn't earn that much and certainly less than he was, hoow is he feeling about it? I've been wond3ering if in sdome ways, he isn't feeliong he is actually failing. Whilst at the same time, wondering if he hasn't kept his attitude from when he was earning more (ie I'm the main earner, I bring the money therefore you do the HW) even though he actually isn't in that position anymore.

Or, as you say, he might actually have used that technique of guilt tripping you before but you never noticed :(

If I migt say, I would go back full time and ensure I have some financial stability that way. Having being in the situation where I was fully dependent on DH, I wouodn't recommend to anyone to do that.

I would be saying:

"She's our daughter so our joint responsibility. I have decided that for the half of the week I am responsible for, she's going into nursery. It's up to you what happens for the other 2.5 days a week and you are welcome to go part time and look after her if you want, or arrange whatever childcare you think is appropriate."

But that depends on this being a continuing marriage. I would sooner rub raw chillies into my nipples than continue to share a life and a bed with someone who sees me as a reluctant domestic servant who is holding him back. Sounds to me like YOU'RE the one with the great potential.

I don't think his attitude is all that uncommon, sadly. I've seen it a lot in commuterville, but usually the man already earned more before DC and uses this to justify making few changes to his working (or often leisure) life after DC. The women (WoH or not) seem to put up with it because these men are high earners.

I think there's a bit of bait and switch going on, he's saying 'I am the golden goose, nurture me and I will bring you great riches'
But he isn't your pet goose he is not beholden to you, investment in him empowers him so that you are increasingly beholden to him ?

The advantage for the whole family can be, of course, that the H works all he wants (long hours, travel, networking) and does well at work and thus earns even more.

There are also disadvantages of course!

If he wants investment he should pitch himself on crowd cube or something.

If I was you I would invest in myself instead!

How old is he.....fifteen?

You have not supported him in his career.....and he does not want your DC in nursery more than three days? WTF!

It sounds like he is projecting. He wants to blame someone because of his lacklustre career and unfortunately it has been you.

Personally, I would not let this go and would be telling him a few home truths...

The thing is he may not care and will guilt you again.

Time to put on those big girl pants!

The man has an Adam complex. You know, Eve was created as a helpmeet.
'Cos he's entitled isn't he? The big I am. Twat.

Tell him to grow up. What kind of Mann needs another adult to support him so he can have a career.

Don't let your own job take second place, you will be very glad of the income and level of expertise should things go pear shaped in the future.

Given most adults can't remember their day to day life when preschool age, your children won't know any difference between full or part time at nursery.

My response would be "ok we will use nursery 3 days a week and a Nanny two days, your higher salary will contribute more towards the childcare costs".

I have to say that the initial response seems like he is the big man earning the family money and you are the women so should be doing the "family care". It is sexist and sadly very common.

As a housewife/SAHM, this thread is kind of eye-opening. I appreciate the DH in the OP is being rude and lazy, as he doesn't say what he means and doesn't pull his weight with housework/care, but stuff like "you little wifey", "He wants the little woman at home dependent on him", "the women put up with it because the men are high earners" and "a load of 50s twaddle" - are these things commonly thought of SAHPs and housewives? Is there a way to be a housewive and not be thought of as a 50s twaddle shitwork wifey? (or is that a topic big enough for another thread?)

They just seem excessively harsh descriptions, especially as we already have a villain in this tale to attack.

There's a phrase I was expecting to see on here "cocklodger". He is doing the classic "if you'd only supported me I could have been someone" thing. The truth is he won't take responsibility for his own life or career. He is threatened by you and has to be little you to feel like the big man.

This is not how relationships work. Me and DH have a reverse situation to you - I work full time DH runs his own business from home and does all the child fetching and organising. He picks up the bulk of the cooking and house keeping as well. But neither of us see that as his 'job'. It is also mine. When we're both at home we are a team. Him doing all that is certainly a support and means I can focus on my career and not have to compromise. And boy do I appreciate that. He sees it as an investment. On the flip side I support him running his business by accepting we will never go on holiday without his laptop, losing weekends and evenings with him as he works at those times instead. By picking it all up on those weekends despite having worked a 50+hour week myself. The point being is that we support each other to achieve our dreams - whether we succeed or fail is down to me/him but we are each others biggest cheerleaders and work hard for each other. That's what you deserve (I am not saying we have the perfect marriage by the way - we argue like wild fire!)

tireinen for me where a couple has ageed that one wants to stay home, they both share the childcare and housework equally when they are both at home is the modern way of being a shap.
They both understand the other works hard and suport each other in equal measure as needed.
And the shap is finacially protected as far as possible either through marrige/joint house ownship/joint savings, pension ect so their staying at home doesn't have a disproportional (compared to the wohp) detremental affect on their future if the couple were to split up.

There's a phrase I was expecting to see on here "cocklodger"
no no, a cocklodger is a man who (literally) uses his cock to pay the rent, ie he wants to woman to provide bed and board and in return he has sex with her.
A cocklodger doesnt contribute any money or domestic work to the partnership, he feels that his sexual services are payment enough

Tirinen imo all these comments only apply when the man is expecting his DW to do all that wo any consertation at all, ie he is expecting it because he is the man and therefore that's how it should happen.

When the arrangement is made in full agreement of both parties and it doesn't become a situation where one (the man) is becoming a self entitled git, then I wouldn't use any of these.

Kirsty McColl had it right. When Shane McGowan said, "I could have been someone!" she yelled back, "Well, so could anyone!" No truer word.

What a shame to realise that someone that you thought was on your team actually thinks you're there solely to make his life easier and nothing else.

I did compressed hours but it really only worked because things were shared equally with DH. I agree with all that has been said about the other benefits of your job. I know a public sector worker who basically emigrated during maternity leave plus a bit of a career break, decided she didn't like it, then came home and picked her role right back up again. She's thinking of another career break to retrain and try another career then if she doesn't like it... I have also just seen DH's pension statement . Don't knock the public sector.

Exactly, your public sector pension could be worth over 20% of your salary, so you may well be the higher earner!

He said he needed to 'unwind' and not think about work
He doesn't like doing bed time, as he feels 'too tired'

Delicate flower, isn't he?

He's sounding worse and worse. Sorry, OP.

Wise words on this thread, thank you all for your wisdom. I'm digesting all points made. One thing I did last night though was say I'm going full time, compressed hours, we will get cleaner, he will have the do more, I suggested he practice his programming in the evenings as well, life is busy and tough, take responsibility for your own success and don't put it on me, remotely. In my own head I'm thinking- I owe this man absolute ly nothing. His success or otherwise is down to him, and mine is down to me. End if. Thanks mn