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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask you to tell me what om earth dh means?

128 replies

Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 13:52

Long conversation last night about money/ childcare/ jobs. Background- dh and I earn equally , ds is 5 and DD 10 months. I'm on 3.5.days though so salary is pro rataed down, if that makes sense. Could anyone help me work out what he means, I'd be most grateful.

Conversation below is in response to me saying I'd like to go up to full time , DD is 10 months as we need the money. Him: 'I'd be really disappointed if dd was in nursery more than 3 days a week.'

Me- would you like to work part time then?

Him: 'don't be ridiculous. I have much greater earning potential than you (true- I'm public sector, he's IT). In fact you should invest in me and support me more, if you want me to earn more'

Me: 'I simply can't do anymore than I do- I do the majority of the child rearing, admin and housework, as well as night wakings. How can I support you more?'

Him: if you supported me more, I'd make more money. Think about it.

I felt he was emotionally blackmailing me.

Too harsh? Is this a reasonable conversation that other couples have? I had to change topic and wander off before shouting something incoherent.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 05/10/2015 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:38

Good point dinosaurs...
And yes I am weighing up my options. He knows I would love financial stability but our life together has been anything but with the sacrifices made for him to retrain, fully supported and funded by my salary when full time. I feel he dangles this mythical carrot of big money with a dash of blame that its never happened being all my fault.

OP posts:
Morsecode · 05/10/2015 14:40

What AnotherEmma says. It's getting worse by the minute.

DoJo · 05/10/2015 14:40

If his job leaves him 'too tired' to do bed time and needing to 'unwind' in the evenings rather than doing something productive then surely he should be jumping at the chance to go part time while you up your hours, increase your household income and leave the supporting role to him. The fact that he isn't and is suggesting that somehow you are responsible for him not earning more suggests that he has cast himself as the victim regardless of the facts and will never be willing to do any more than the absolute minimum at home (whilst presumably sitting behind a desk all day and claiming that this is more than enough strenuous effort for one person to contribute to a household!).

NHKX2 · 05/10/2015 14:42

Is there any reason he can't earn more/progress on his own? How on earth does he expect you to open doors for him? Sounds like he is blaming you for falling short of where he thinks he should be in his career, which is asinine.

Speaking of asinine, he sounds like an ass.

Morsecode · 05/10/2015 14:44

Your purpose in having a job has probably expired now that you are no longer needed to fund his training. Hence your time being made better use of by looking after the house and children while he brings in the money.

Has guilting you into things worked before? Seems to be his way of getting what he wants.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 14:45

"I think he means that I / we hold him back."

I think it's time he was invited to drop the millstones around his neck and fuck off to the far side etc

He just wants you to do all the shitwork and is being completely transparent about it.

Did he want a family ?

TranquilityofSolitude · 05/10/2015 14:46

If my DH said something like that I'd assume he'd been browbeaten by his parents in some way. It's just the kind of thing they'd say.

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:49

Af- he was desperate for kids.

Not so desperate to clean the kitchen!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:50

Tranq, what do you mean? Some sort of parental brainwashing from a by gone age?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:53

Morse- I think he has guilted me.om the past, you owe me etc etc, thus the funding of the course and so on, but crazy as Otis to say, I hadn't really noticed it, or named it as guilting. I noticed this!

OP posts:
strayduck · 05/10/2015 14:54

What area of IT does he work in? Is there actually potential for him to earn more?

Does sound like he is being a lazy arse and doesn't want to do his fair share of household\childcare tasks

Eminado · 05/10/2015 14:54

Anyone who ends a sentence 'think about it', to their wife, no less, is a twat. If he's got something to say then say it, otherwise stfu.

Rivertam will you marry me? I have though this so often

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:56

Stray- its some kind of app building situation.I don't think he'd earn a great deal more as it sounds like he isn't very good at it. Harsh to say, I know.

OP posts:
Morsecode · 05/10/2015 14:57

Not saying LTB OP but you should definitely start looking out for yourself career-wise and financially.

MagickPants · 05/10/2015 14:59

Be careful of working full-time in 4 days because you will be very, very busy and tired on those 4 days, and then will be expected to pick up a week's laundry, cleaning, admin, etc, on that 5th day of the week, at the same time as looking after your small child. I think that would be a good idea if you had a decent partner, but as it is, it will be very draining.

However in the short term - it might be a good idea because if your husband works 5 days you are "primary carer". It's not a long term solution to living with a nob but it might be the best strategy now towards your long term future.

So - be careful of working longer hours than your husband (i.e. go full time, but don't let him cut his hours) because in the event of a split you don't want him to be considered primary carer (the irony is he'll probably be sitting on his arse with the child in front of cbeebies while you do a week's worth of proper parenting on saturday and sunday, so don't lose your child to that arse and have to pay for the privilege)

I think you should ask for answers to these questions:

  • what sort of "disappointment"? In whom?
  • think about what? I think about our family life, income, parenting, resources, and the future all the time. That is why I supported you to change careers. This is why I think I need to go full time. I think about all this a lot. If you think, while I'm doing all this thinking, I'm missing something important, please tell me what it is as thinking alone is not going to get me there. What do you want to change and why? And what impact would that have on your life and our life together?

In my humble opinion, you're in endgame with this man and you know it. You should be prioritising your career (all this - "flexible hours, autonomous, good pension, loan schemes, and so on" - will be invaluable for a single parent) - while making sure that you are protecting your position as primary carer. Do not invest any personal resources - time, emotion, arguing - into him. Just look at how to get what you want. (think about buying him out of the house. Are there things you could do in a year that could make that possible?)

Most men aren't really eglitarian by the way. They may think they are but they're furious when you actually challenge their male privilege. He has never considered that his deep programming to expect a female personal servant is deeply sexist. He just thinks he's entitled to it and is furious not to have it.

the "right on" ones can be most vicious when challenged as they have the most to lose in their personal self image.

strayduck · 05/10/2015 15:07

So it's a development roles. Well I can't see his earning potential increasing unless he puts time in for certification and/or practicing at home in the evening developing his own project and skills. Ifhe isn't doing that and is gaming instead where the he'll does he expect you to support him? Think this is an excuse for him to carry in being lazy. I am doing an OU IT degree to improve my earning potential but I have to put the hours in in the evening and on weekends whilst my husband does his fair share of household\childcare.

Could he also be a bit embarrassed with his earnings now and you possibly bringing in more than him if you go full time?

GloriousGoosebumps · 05/10/2015 15:07

He's being a dick and for that reason I'd have to push him on the "if you supported me more, I'd make more money. Think about it," comment. The "think about it" is just so patronising. Tell him that of course you'll support his ambitions but he needs to explain exactly what he wants you to do and then watch him squirm because I suspect that the words were more a stick to beat you with than a genuine belief that there is anymore that you can do. As for your earning power, even in the public sector there are high earning employees.

InimitableJeeves · 05/10/2015 15:11

I think you have to sit him down and tell him to stop making obscure comments: if he seriously thinks there is something else you could do that would make him make more money, he needs to spell it out. But whilst doing so, he also has to demonstrate that he's thought about the fact that you already do a hell of a lot, and whether in fact that he can do something all on his ownsome to remedy whatever it is - like, say, spending time in the evenings on it rather than playing computer games.

If the mystery contribution you can make is giving up work, or not going back full time, then he needs to explain exactly how that will result in him earning more when he hasn't made it happen so far. He also needs to be able to explain how other men manage to have very successful careers whilst sharing in child care and housework and having wives working full time, but he can't.

Liomsa · 05/10/2015 15:22

Gosh, I'd be saying that, given that I'd supported him financially and emotionally while he retrained, it was now time he stepped up, went part-time or took flexible hours, did far more childcare, chores etc etc in order to let me focus on my career. Swings and roundabouts. The sexist, entitled pig.

GoblinLittleOwl · 05/10/2015 15:27

What he means is 'I don't want to do any childcare or housework and if you stayed at home full time I wouldn't have to do any, and I would then magically be able to earn twice what I am earning now.'

Do not give up the day job.

Racundra · 05/10/2015 15:35

What he means is 'you should bring in enough to keep DD at nursery fewer than 3.5 days, and do all housework/ childcare / admin, so that I can relinquish my responsibilities and play games work on my career, because, let's face it, you're just a mum now'.

Racundra · 05/10/2015 15:36

Ha- x-post

BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2015 15:42

Oh, he's not angry husband. He's disappointed husband.

And this, with bells on

"Anyone who ends a sentence 'think about it', to their wife, no less, is a twat."

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/10/2015 15:49

BTW
The correct response to "think about it" is

I have thought about it and its bollocks!