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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me what om earth dh means?

128 replies

Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 13:52

Long conversation last night about money/ childcare/ jobs. Background- dh and I earn equally , ds is 5 and DD 10 months. I'm on 3.5.days though so salary is pro rataed down, if that makes sense. Could anyone help me work out what he means, I'd be most grateful.

Conversation below is in response to me saying I'd like to go up to full time , DD is 10 months as we need the money. Him: 'I'd be really disappointed if dd was in nursery more than 3 days a week.'

Me- would you like to work part time then?

Him: 'don't be ridiculous. I have much greater earning potential than you (true- I'm public sector, he's IT). In fact you should invest in me and support me more, if you want me to earn more'

Me: 'I simply can't do anymore than I do- I do the majority of the child rearing, admin and housework, as well as night wakings. How can I support you more?'

Him: if you supported me more, I'd make more money. Think about it.

I felt he was emotionally blackmailing me.

Too harsh? Is this a reasonable conversation that other couples have? I had to change topic and wander off before shouting something incoherent.

OP posts:
janethegirl2 · 05/10/2015 14:16

Any chance you can go full-time but over 4 days, it's quite common where I work (public sector too). That would still give you a day at home during the week.

Herhonesty · 05/10/2015 14:19

ha ha my soon to be ex used to say this all the time. so glad i never listened to him because one of the things that kept me sane when he walked out on me for a a younger more docile woman aka house slave was my job. it gave me purpose and financial freedom.

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:19

I think I'm going to ask to do that, janet.

I think the implication is that if there were no demands on him, at all, from me or the Family, he could focus his brilliance into work and somehow magic more money from it. He has no understanding of incremental pay scales, it seems. I think he means that I / we hold him back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:21

Good for you, her. Yes I think he'd be much happier with that kind of thing. You must have been through the wringer though, I'm sorry Flowers

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 05/10/2015 14:21

Well in your case the d in DH means dock head Grin

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 14:22

"I think he means that I / we hold him back."

Bloody hell, what a wanker.

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:22

I suggested that he could work in the evenings, like I do, after the kids bed time instead of playing computer games. He said he needed to 'unwind' and not think about work Hmm

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 05/10/2015 14:23

Dick not dock

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:23

Dock head Grin

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 05/10/2015 14:24

He means he wants you to do absolutely all the shitwork, on a vague promise that it might enable him to earn more money Hmm

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:24

Dick head as well Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:25

O the huge- that's not right is it, not normal in couples?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 05/10/2015 14:26

I am afraid he is just another tosspot potato.

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:27

So this attitude is common then? I'm struggling as it seems so covert and indirect, when on the surface he has such liberal, equalitarian attitudes

OP posts:
beardsrock · 05/10/2015 14:28

'I'd be really disappointed if DD was in nursery more than 3 days'.

I'm sorry - WHAT?

Disappointed?

In you? Why the fuck is it your responsibility?

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:29

I know it's awful isn't it... Disappointed that DD wasn't getting motherly love the majority of the time , I think. Some kind of throwback to his own mothers views on working mothers

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Naicecuppatea · 05/10/2015 14:29

No, it is not normal in couples for the woman to be expected to do everything while the man can doss around. He should be helping with housework/kids in the evening instead of unwinding with computer games. It sounds like you will all be better off if you increase your days at work, and I think you should get him to give you some sensible reasons why you shouldn't do this.

SilverOldie2 · 05/10/2015 14:31

Of course YABU, your 'D'H has a dick so naturally you, as a mere female, should support him and work yourself into the ground going to work and doing everything for the children and home.

I would personally put your DCs into nursery and go back to work full time if that is what you wish. I would never want to rely on this man financially and would expect him to participate fully in raising the children. If he did not I would tell him to shape up or ship out but that's just me.

I agree that your thread would be better in Relationships, MNHQ can move it for you.

InimitableJeeves · 05/10/2015 14:31

Suggest to him that he could also unwind by interacting with his kids. Reading them a bedtime story is just as relaxing as playing computer games.

BetaTest · 05/10/2015 14:32

I think he is also saying loud and clear 'its your fault I am earning less and you and DD are holding me back'.

That is a rather important issue and it does not sound like he is very committed to you as a family. He needs to get his priorities sorted. Does he want to be jack the lad contractor working all the hours flashing the cash young free and single or a committed father doing wat is best for his family?

Methinks you need 'the talk'.

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:32

He doesn't like doing bed time, as he feels 'too tired'

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DinosaursRoar · 05/10/2015 14:32

Op - different couples make different "deals" - some are happy for one partner (usually the man) to work full time, long hours, doing extra training in evenings etc, but all childcare, house work and family running falls to the woman, if he can work too, great, but if not, it's understood he'll 'provide' she'll do everything else.

Some are more equal partnerships, both working, both sharing responsiblity for the home/family, having more money and being able to take lower stress or more interesting jobs but lower paid jobs, while overall still having a good standard of living due to 2 wages.

It seems your DH wants the benefits of the second type, that being that he can take an interesting but lower stress and lower paid but more secure job, while at the same time, having the benefit of the first of a 'housewife' who'll take on all the running of the home/family without any of it being his job.

Basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Morsecode · 05/10/2015 14:34

I'm struggling as it seems so covert and indirect, when on the surface he has such liberal, equalitarian attitudes

Not anymore, the gloves are off it seems. He's probably got you where he wanted all along and is loath to lose it.

F-all to do with motherly love for your daughter when he brings it all back to you supporting him. Oh for the little family behind the big important man. What a twat.

NameChange30 · 05/10/2015 14:34

The more you tell us the worse it gets. How about you stop holding back his glittering career and LTB.

Original poster
Shanolyooo · 05/10/2015 14:34

I don't think he really understands the value of money and working in a job where there are no bonuses and massive performance related pay rises. He is a lower middle income earner doing a job he enjoys. Choice made, end of. Unfortunately he feels that I am killing his dreams when I point out this reality. Its all very tiring.

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