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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike the term "full time mum"

310 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 04/10/2015 20:49

Last time I checked all mums were full time mums, you don't clock off when you go to work.

What's wrong with housewife or stay at home mum or unemployed? When did being a parent become an employment status?

OP posts:
onecurrantbun1 · 05/10/2015 14:16

Yes permanently you have summed it up. Questions like "what do you do?" are generally asked in context, e.g. by a professional, in which case they'll have their own coding system so your exact phrasing won't matter, or during a conversation about work. Maybe I'm just.boring but I don't meet that many brand new people socially who would ask me what i do - i tend to mix with old friends or family who already know the score Hmm

Littleonesaid · 05/10/2015 14:22

I don't see a problem with the term "full time mum" myself.
I assumed that the distinction was if you look after DC 24/7 yourself, then you are a full time parent.
But if your DC are at school/nursery and you don't work then I think SAHP is more accurate.

NickyEds · 05/10/2015 14:24

It's weird Shegot I've never heard of a SAHP being pissed off at the term "working parent", either on mn or irl.....or the term "hardest job in the world" being SAH specific- more being a parent in general. I wouldn't think someone who said that they didn't SAH but were "working parents" were having a dig, just that they...well, worked.

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 14:38

I've pretended to be pissed off at "working parent" on threads like this, just to make the point that you can take offence at pretty much anything.

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 14:40

Oh there are tons of threads started by SAHPs objecting to the term 'working parents' because ya know, looking after kids, cooking, cleaning etc is work.

I don't think there are. Certainly not tons of them.

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 14:42

The only threads I remember are those started bya SAHM saying they can't imagine how anyone could dump their child in a nursery or why have children if you aren't going to look after them. Those also make me think "don't be such an obnoxious twat"

SheGotAllDaMoves · 05/10/2015 14:43

Maybe I've been on MN too long Smile?

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 14:56

I've been here since 2002 :)

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 14:59

If a man on X Factor had described himself as a full time father, not one single father watching would have thought "Don't be ridiculous, I'm a father all the time too even though I work. Why don't you just call yourself unemployed?"

They would just have nodded and understood what he meant.

ChampagneAndCrisps · 05/10/2015 16:10

The irony of the situation for me is that I'm a SAHM / housewife to kids who are nearly all in their teens. That makes me in a very questionable position on here - with some people. What on earth do I do all day?

However, two maybe three of my kids have Tourettes. If I was a paid carer for those kids - maybe a befriender of some type - my status in society would be fine. Because I'm their mum lots of people disregard my role in looking after them. I also would have more support in looking after those same kids because I would have a line manager and colleagues to speak to. Please dont think I get support from the NHS - CAMHS just see the parent as the enemy.

It's the wage that makes the difference. Some people in society value money more than anything.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 05/10/2015 16:33

Sorry NewLife but you couldn't be more wrong. DH expected me to say I wouldnt work after we had children as all the women he knew did just that.

However, it was never on the cards. I've seen plenty of relationships go wrong and with no earning power or recent employment history women are left high and dry. I'd never put myself in that position.

There's little point doing well at school if working isn't on the cards. Seems a waste of education.

I like having my own earnings, when I buy DH birthday or Christmas presents they are actually from me not really to himself from his earnings.

NewLife4Me · 05/10/2015 16:39

That's great Cookie

So why are you bothered by what other people call themselves if you are happy with your lot.
What difference does it make to you.

jorahmormont · 05/10/2015 16:46

Cookie if you were really happy with your situation, it wouldn't bother you what other people call themselves.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 05/10/2015 16:47

Because the OP was about the term full time mum. A mum is a mum all the time whether at work or not. Just as they are when the child is at school or on a play date. It's an absurd term.

Men don't state such things, if asked what they do they either say I work doing x or I don't work. They don't feel the need to dress it up or call themselves part time dads.

NewLife4Me · 05/10/2015 16:53

But you were talking mainly about not contributing financially as a sahp, people were explaining to you how this was possible, but you wouldn't have it.

They have also explained that a person calling themselves a full time mum are referring to not working outside the home but providing their own childcare. I think it's a pretty apt title tbh, there isn't really another acceptable term.
A sahp could have school aged children and not be working outside the home and maybe wouldn't want to be referred to as a full time mum.

If somebody asks you what you do, you can say full time mum if you want, but would probably put your profession / job as your first choice.

DaftVader36 · 05/10/2015 16:53

I think there are lots of chips on shoulders about these terms. Does it honestly bother anyone if someone calls themselves a "full time mum", really?

Being a full time mum is awesome, especially to school age kids. You get to do all the niggly jobs during the day and not in the evenings/weekends, and still have time to do nice things for yourself, other people, etc etc. brilliant , what's not to like?

But working is good too. You get your own money, which does feel different to getting an allowance, you get that sense of satisfaction, and you are back in the working world. But flip side is, you are probably having to juggle and outsource and live at 90 miles an hour.

Both have there good and bad points. But why on earth would you care how someone described their role???? Unless you are secretly looking down on someone for their choice. Which just makes you not a particularly nice person.

I'm currently the latter, for the first time in a long time. Love both, happy being either. Don't care what anyone else chooses, as long as they can make it work for them and their family, then good for them.

Should not be on Mumsnet at this time!

SheGotAllDaMoves · 05/10/2015 16:54

jorah that's nonsense.

What people say and the words they use matters. Anyone with any imagination/intellect understands that.

And objecting to certain words or discussing them or simply noting them doesn't mean you're dissatisfied with your lot. Or that other SAHM perennial that you're 'jealous'.

I mean seriously?

SheGotAllDaMoves · 05/10/2015 16:55

If it didn't matter why would it bother a SAHM if someone called them a housewife? Or unemployed? Or economically inactive?

All of which have been objected to on here.

DixieNormas · 05/10/2015 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 05/10/2015 17:05

Well quite dixie words do matter!

PosterEh · 05/10/2015 17:06

SheGot the difference is the OP is objecting to what other people call themselves, not what they call her. I don't care what working parents call themselves but I'd prefer not to be called things that I don't think are accurate (housewife/unemployed).

howabout · 05/10/2015 17:09

Cookie ime men never say they "don't work". They work, are looking for work, are retired but pursuing their hobby in a professional manner or they work for themselves - even most SAHD I know define themselves in terms of current or future work status or are pursuing opportunities in a home based work environment.

I take your point that men rarely self define or are defined by society solely in relation to their parenting set up.

jorahmormont · 05/10/2015 17:10

SheGotAllDaMoves there's nothing wrong with objecting to it. Otherwise I'd have addressed my post to everyone who has objected to it on here.

It's Cookie's insistence of no, you are unemployed, you will call yourself unemployed and have done with it that suggests insecurity.

FWIW I think 'full-time mum' is daft. I was a full time mum when I was a student, I was a full time mum when I was working, I'm a full time mum now I'm at home and I'll be a full time mum when I start working again. I'm not a housewife because I'm not a wife so that one is factually incorrect in the true sense of the word, I'm not unemployed because at the moment I am unable to seek work - I'll be unemployed (but not on JSA) in a couple of weeks once DD can start back at nursery and I can start looking for work, however I am economically inactive (I really am fond of that one Grin ) as I am not directly bringing money into the household right now, other than by regular contributions from my savings.

DaftVader36 · 05/10/2015 17:16

House wife comes from the era when women were often working in the home all day. Because the presentation of the home and cooking from scratch was just what happened, and It probably did take all day and you didn't do much else.

But that doesn't reflect what happens now if you are at home nowadays. We are much more child-centric, and spend much less time doing housework.

So house wife doesn't really apply as you are not tied to the house in that sense and it sounds so old fashioned. Economically inactive is obviously also wrong (and just trying to stir).

Full time mum is fine.

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 05/10/2015 17:39

The SAHD's I know, and there aren't many say "full time dad" or similar expression, they don't say they're "pursuing opportunities in a home based work environment", 'cos then they sound like wankers.