Being stalked by nursery mum...

[MADEinLONDON]

Expecting a huge flaming here but I can't tell if I'm being over dramatic or if I'm being too laid back! Really not sure and I don't want to be nasty or dither any more than I already have. I also need some objective opinions as my friends and family are obviously all a bit biased!

Basically, I think I'm being stalked by the mother of one of my DD's playgroup friends...

My middle child DD (3yo) started at playgroup in January. She struggled to settle in at first but soon made some friends and one or two in particular she was quite fond of. I briefly met the mother of one of her friends at a speech therapy drop-in that we both attended in April on behalf of our DD's. We only spoke briefly but she (the mother!) seemed nice, if a bit stressed out with her 2 kids.

I then moved house (still locally but just had loads on) and barely saw this woman again until maybe late June? The kids playgroup was breaking up for the holidays in mid-July and so we said that because our DD's were such good friends, it would be nice to swap mobile numbers and then maybe meet up over the summer so they could playdate. I agreed and so swap numbers we did!

WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.

She started off sending me 4, maybe 5 texts a day - sometimes up to 12! They were VERY intense, lovely dovey sort of texts (where she would constantly compliment me despite not knowing me really). She was very kind and flattering but I felt a bit weird about it. She is also very down on herself in the texts and no amount of reassurance from me seems to satisfy her. She would also bombard me with texts about meeting up virtually every day. If I don't reply to her texts in a timely manor, then she rings me! I hope I don't come across as arrogant here, but I have 3 kids to deal with, have not long moved house (so have to sort out all the unpacking and decorating that goes hand in hand with that) and I'm also a carer for my ill mother-in-law at the moment. She is thankfully recovering just in time for me to go back to work next month (have been on maternity leave with my youngest son). So I have a lot on and whilst I'm always happy to make new friends, I just don't have enough hours in the day to be constantly meeting up or replying to this woman's texts. I of course am more than happy for our DD's to be friends (and they really do get along like the proverbial house on fire)!

One day, I was out with my sister and we did not stop all day! I was aware that I'd missed 2 texts from here at about mid-afternoon but just didn't have time to reply. I also missed a phone call. I got home about 8pm only to find something in the floor. It was a tesco's receipt which she'd written on and drop through the letterbox and it said the following:

"Hi MADE. I'm so sorry if I've done something to destroy our friendship. I Really hope we can still be friends and me and the girls miss you. X"

I shit you not.

I sometimes don't hear from my BEST friends for a fortnight and it would never occur to me that they were anything other than astonishingly busy! But one DAY of not replying to texts/a phone call and then this?! She had actually told her husband to give her kids dinner whilst she walked up to my house and attempted to catch me at home! When I was obviously out she dropped this in. OMG. It feels like the kind of note your mate sends you after a falling out in school when you're 12!!! I was very freaked out to say the least...

I'm now just going to list the rest of the weirdness, otherwise this will turn into war and peace...

1. the constant calls and texts and turning up unannounced when I'm not replying quickly enough. Also walking her dogs behind my house and looking through my bedroom window. (I haven't caught her doing this but she says she does it all the time).

2. the receipt (obvs)

3. adding me on Facebook and starting to make odd comments on my dad's wall about being "so glad he made me".

4. Upon finding out our DD's would be attending the same nursery come Sept just gone, she phoned the school up and DEMANDED the girls be placed in the same class on the same days/times.

5. I have now had to put DD (and soon my youngest DS) in a private nursery instead as I'm heading back to work soon and it's easier childcare-wise. When I told her that my DD wouldn't be going to the school nursery after all, she text me saying she couldn't stop crying and that "she didn't mean to make me feel guilty, but she couldn't bear to break the news to her DD as she would be devastated." (Still feel bad about the poor girls).

6. Almost turned down a day's paid work as she wanted to check if I was available that day for a play date first.

7. Giving my address, phone number and "financial situation" (wtf?!) out to a charity she supports without my consent. Cue junk mail/calls.

8. Sent me a "share location" text (it basically says "(insert name) would like to share location with you" and then gives you the option to press either 'share' or 'not now'. If you share then she can read your location and follow you via your phone wherever you go! (Apparently a little map pops up and your name initial trundles down the roads on the map that you are travelling on)! I never even knew you could do that and I obviously pressed the 'not now' option, but I think my phone bypassed it anyway, because...

9. ...she has showed up at THREE different places that I have been at within 10 minutes of me getting there!!! I have now had to switch off all privacy and location settings on my phone as I think she's been able to track me still somehow.

10. After managing to put her off for a record 2.5 weeks, I finally agreed to meet her in the park so the girls could play. She told me she "couldn't believe we were really here" and that she was so happy. Later in the conversation she admitted to me that she'd tricked her husband into getting her pregnant with her eldest DD by "spitting all her pills down the sink." My jaw is still on the floor with that one...

All in all, I think she's not too stable and even so, I'm not really sure I'd like to stay friends (I very rarely say that about anyone). I dread each text and if I don't reply then she ramps it up. I don't want to meet up with her anymore but feel bad for our DDs who are very sweet and such good friends. She scares me a lot though. She is very intense but also a bit of a drip at the same time. I don't mean to be nasty but I feel so "put off" by her neediness. I feel so sorry for her as I think she's lonely and I might be one of her only friends. But it feels she is trying to make me responsible for her happiness and I just can't do it. She either has serious boundary issues or is (as my friends and family suspect) rather manipulative. She can be very kind but everything has a some sort of intrusion attached to it.

For my part, I've tried to be friendly and I hope I haven't led her on! But this is impacting my life now to the point that I've told her my mobile phone is broken as I just don't want to deal with her all the time. I know I'm a wimp! Don't want to cause hurt feelings but how the hell do I extrcate myself from this mumsnetters? Also scared of her reaction and feel sorry for our DD's...

Aaaaaaaaargh!

Sit her down and tell her you like her and want to remain friends but if she doesn't back off a lot then it won't happen.

She sounds scary. I think you've been very patient with her.

Hopefully, your dd being at a different nursery will help this tail off and she'll find someone else to stalk. And I do think she has been stalking you.

If someone gave out my personal details to a charity without my consent I'd be livid.

Oh my god

I think you're going to have to tell her that she's putting you off with the intensity and neediness, and that you're keen to remain on good terms but with going back to work, you won't have as much time for socialising and need her to stop contacting you all the time.

Maybe refuse meet ups when she's being ott and 'reward' her if she backs off for a while with a short park date with the girls? Training her, in essence, to not be all over you.

That's intense! And not in a good way. She sounds a bit fixated on you.

I'd text beck regarding the note along the lines of ' I've clearly missed something, I've been busy all day and did not have time to text or take a call. I can't be available every minute of everyday as I'm sure you can't be. That isn't a destroyer of friendships is it?

Then, move house, change your name and have plastic surgery!

I'd quietly ditch her. Don't respond to texts and emails. Delete her on Facebook and tighten privacy settings. If she calls round, say you're crazy-busy and can't have visitors. Keep doing this until it sinks in.

YouTheCat I'm hoping that exact thing will happen soon! If I can avoid any confrontation then I will!

Welshmaenad I've been doing something pretty similar to your suggestion as it goes! If I outright ignore her (or like most normal people, don't respond within a day due to being busy!) she goes nuts. If I give her a text back then she calms it a bit. But I've only been trying to respond to the ones that directly involve the girls meeting up and not the other stuff!

Oh wow. That is scary.

I think you might have to be blunt with her, because subtle just isn't going to cut it.

Omg scary :(
Will your dd's paths cross once she's in the new nursery if no I would just phase her out you're busy, be nice but decline all invitations, answer every few texts but not straight away, change your FB settings so she can't see all your posts and your friends lists etc just gradual cut her out if your life,

Wow she is waaay intense. Personally I couldn't continue seeing her at all and would gladly let the friendship between the three year old girls slide. They'll both make other friends.

She sounds unhinged , I woukd delete and block her in Facebook and delete and block her phone number.

I'd ditch her. I'm not tolerant of friends who are constantly trouble. Once your girls are old enough you could do drop and run playdates, but I'd worry about her saying weird stuff to your DD like some of the disturbed in laws you read about on MN.

And 3 year olds are fine at moving on. Though she will probably screw her daughter up in the same way. If she does, then it won't be your or your DD's fault.

If you are feeling uneasy, you are feeling uneasy for a reason. Listen to your instincts. Don't give her any false hope of a future meet up or anything. If she is a little unstable she may cling to anything as a sign that you want her in your life.

You need to have a word. Tell her she can't keep texting and ringing you. If you try to just back away, she will stalk you more.

Nip this in the bud and be prepared to be firm.

I'd tell her to seek counselling!
Actually what I'd probably do is back off....... Are they likely to be at school together?

My first reaction would be "bugger this for a game of soldiers" and not reply.

But that's not going to work.

I think you need to sit her down and tell her that it's gone too far and that this is suffocating and you don't want any more.

Then you need to take your phone to a phone shop and undo that location thing. It might be a new sim, and perhaps a new number.

Either way, she needs to be blocked from your phone.

If there is any more contact after this, don't fuck around, call 101 and make sure it's logged.

She sounds scary and single white female.

She lives fairly close (about half a mile away) so running into her might be a possibility! We live in one of the bigger London boroughs but it's still a small world when she's potentially tracking you down via your phone! (Or car - if e wondered if she's stuck a tracker on that too)!

I'm not sure a genuine friendship could be built out of this now even if she does calm down. I very rarely say this about anyone, but she's just "not for me." God, I know I sound like a itch and I feel terrible for her in some ways. But even without the intrusions, she and I don't have an awful lot in common anyway. I would have still stayed friends for the girls if it wasn't for the stalking element. But I'm not sure it's sustainable.

The question is, whether to be blunt about it and "rip the plaster off" (and probably cause hurt feelings/my tyres being slashed) or too just keep phasing her out until she finds a new person to follow? (She's not great with getting the hint)! I'm at a stalemate with that one!!!

Avoid like the plague.

God if your dd was a bit older I would think your friend is an old cohort of mine who was VERY similar and ended up going crazy with jealousy because I had other friends. There were 3 of us who all hung out together but apparently she had to be in charge of all interaction and no friendships outwith the 3 were allowed It was very upsetting at the time because she was mean to and about my dd, then 4 but I'm so glad I'm rid of her now!!!!

Ignore as much as possible and be blunt if need be.

If she's as tenacious as that, could she be reading this? I expect you'll find out soon enough....

But yes, YANBU.

I feel sorry for her, not that that is helpful you!

I know someone like this, who I strongly suspect has MH issues. Like you said even a text that is not responded to within a short time is reason for her to suspect I have fallen out with her, or am angry. She seriously way over thinks things and picks apart sentences, drawing really bizarre conclusions.

I once visited my MIL in a rural area where there is no phone signal and I arrived home close to midnight to find a note through my door asking me to urgently phone her, as she was very concerned about our welfare. She had phoned me a few times and became alarmed when my phone went straight to answer machine, therefore concluded that we had been in an accident/kidnapped and phoned all the local hospitals to check. Ihad only been away for the day! She also sent my Mum a FB message explaining how she "knew" her, which went to her others box obviously, and became paranoid that my Mum (who hasnever even heard about her let alone met her) was ignoring her

I wouldn't confront her OP, but maKe it clear in a friendly way that you are going back to work, will sadly not have time to meet up etc.

There are a couple of closer schools that I will apply to send my DD to next year. I won't be putting that school down on the list, that's for sure!

I've thought about giving it until Xmas, so enough time for her DD to settle into nursery school and make new friends (and hopefully her mum will as well)! Hopefully that would calm her down. And maybe if she's still nuts then tell her to do one in the new year? But despite my famous patience, I'm not sure I'll last that long!!!

You don't sound like a bitch at all. This is wayyyy OTT in terms of any friendship.

Just from reading your posts, I also feel sorry for her - she seems very vulnerable - but at the same time she will probably end up being one of these "give an inch, take a mile" people, not seeming to realise at all that you are the one trying to help her out in the first place.

I don't think she is going to get the hint if you continue to be subtle. Can you tell her you're moving away, and if she sees you about say that you're just passing through? Or fake your death?

Sorry not to be able to offer much in the way of constructive advice - I too would baulk at confrontation with someone this unstable she might kill me in my sleep.