Being stalked by nursery mum...

[MADEinLONDON]

Expecting a huge flaming here but I can't tell if I'm being over dramatic or if I'm being too laid back! Really not sure and I don't want to be nasty or dither any more than I already have. I also need some objective opinions as my friends and family are obviously all a bit biased!

Basically, I think I'm being stalked by the mother of one of my DD's playgroup friends...

My middle child DD (3yo) started at playgroup in January. She struggled to settle in at first but soon made some friends and one or two in particular she was quite fond of. I briefly met the mother of one of her friends at a speech therapy drop-in that we both attended in April on behalf of our DD's. We only spoke briefly but she (the mother!) seemed nice, if a bit stressed out with her 2 kids.

I then moved house (still locally but just had loads on) and barely saw this woman again until maybe late June? The kids playgroup was breaking up for the holidays in mid-July and so we said that because our DD's were such good friends, it would be nice to swap mobile numbers and then maybe meet up over the summer so they could playdate. I agreed and so swap numbers we did!

WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.

She started off sending me 4, maybe 5 texts a day - sometimes up to 12! They were VERY intense, lovely dovey sort of texts (where she would constantly compliment me despite not knowing me really). She was very kind and flattering but I felt a bit weird about it. She is also very down on herself in the texts and no amount of reassurance from me seems to satisfy her. She would also bombard me with texts about meeting up virtually every day. If I don't reply to her texts in a timely manor, then she rings me! I hope I don't come across as arrogant here, but I have 3 kids to deal with, have not long moved house (so have to sort out all the unpacking and decorating that goes hand in hand with that) and I'm also a carer for my ill mother-in-law at the moment. She is thankfully recovering just in time for me to go back to work next month (have been on maternity leave with my youngest son). So I have a lot on and whilst I'm always happy to make new friends, I just don't have enough hours in the day to be constantly meeting up or replying to this woman's texts. I of course am more than happy for our DD's to be friends (and they really do get along like the proverbial house on fire)!

One day, I was out with my sister and we did not stop all day! I was aware that I'd missed 2 texts from here at about mid-afternoon but just didn't have time to reply. I also missed a phone call. I got home about 8pm only to find something in the floor. It was a tesco's receipt which she'd written on and drop through the letterbox and it said the following:

"Hi MADE. I'm so sorry if I've done something to destroy our friendship. I Really hope we can still be friends and me and the girls miss you. X"

I shit you not.

I sometimes don't hear from my BEST friends for a fortnight and it would never occur to me that they were anything other than astonishingly busy! But one DAY of not replying to texts/a phone call and then this?! She had actually told her husband to give her kids dinner whilst she walked up to my house and attempted to catch me at home! When I was obviously out she dropped this in. OMG. It feels like the kind of note your mate sends you after a falling out in school when you're 12!!! I was very freaked out to say the least...

I'm now just going to list the rest of the weirdness, otherwise this will turn into war and peace...

1. the constant calls and texts and turning up unannounced when I'm not replying quickly enough. Also walking her dogs behind my house and looking through my bedroom window. (I haven't caught her doing this but she says she does it all the time).

2. the receipt (obvs)

3. adding me on Facebook and starting to make odd comments on my dad's wall about being "so glad he made me".

4. Upon finding out our DD's would be attending the same nursery come Sept just gone, she phoned the school up and DEMANDED the girls be placed in the same class on the same days/times.

5. I have now had to put DD (and soon my youngest DS) in a private nursery instead as I'm heading back to work soon and it's easier childcare-wise. When I told her that my DD wouldn't be going to the school nursery after all, she text me saying she couldn't stop crying and that "she didn't mean to make me feel guilty, but she couldn't bear to break the news to her DD as she would be devastated." (Still feel bad about the poor girls).

6. Almost turned down a day's paid work as she wanted to check if I was available that day for a play date first.

7. Giving my address, phone number and "financial situation" (wtf?!) out to a charity she supports without my consent. Cue junk mail/calls.

8. Sent me a "share location" text (it basically says "(insert name) would like to share location with you" and then gives you the option to press either 'share' or 'not now'. If you share then she can read your location and follow you via your phone wherever you go! (Apparently a little map pops up and your name initial trundles down the roads on the map that you are travelling on)! I never even knew you could do that and I obviously pressed the 'not now' option, but I think my phone bypassed it anyway, because...

9. ...she has showed up at THREE different places that I have been at within 10 minutes of me getting there!!! I have now had to switch off all privacy and location settings on my phone as I think she's been able to track me still somehow.

10. After managing to put her off for a record 2.5 weeks, I finally agreed to meet her in the park so the girls could play. She told me she "couldn't believe we were really here" and that she was so happy. Later in the conversation she admitted to me that she'd tricked her husband into getting her pregnant with her eldest DD by "spitting all her pills down the sink." My jaw is still on the floor with that one...

All in all, I think she's not too stable and even so, I'm not really sure I'd like to stay friends (I very rarely say that about anyone). I dread each text and if I don't reply then she ramps it up. I don't want to meet up with her anymore but feel bad for our DDs who are very sweet and such good friends. She scares me a lot though. She is very intense but also a bit of a drip at the same time. I don't mean to be nasty but I feel so "put off" by her neediness. I feel so sorry for her as I think she's lonely and I might be one of her only friends. But it feels she is trying to make me responsible for her happiness and I just can't do it. She either has serious boundary issues or is (as my friends and family suspect) rather manipulative. She can be very kind but everything has a some sort of intrusion attached to it.

For my part, I've tried to be friendly and I hope I haven't led her on! But this is impacting my life now to the point that I've told her my mobile phone is broken as I just don't want to deal with her all the time. I know I'm a wimp! Don't want to cause hurt feelings but how the hell do I extrcate myself from this mumsnetters? Also scared of her reaction and feel sorry for our DD's...

Aaaaaaaaargh!

I had a friend a bit like this but not nearly as intense. Wow, my jaw is gaping at some of the stuff you listed.

What I did with my friend was to put strict boundaries in place, and I don't know if it could work for you? So I'd say something like - 'I can only meet up on Wednesday afternoon this week as we're really busy. To be honest, I don't check my phone during the day, please stop texting me as I will only respond once a day to texts.'

Then stick to those firm boundaries and keep reinforcing them. I would suggest changing your privacy settings on Facebook so she can't see where you are going every day.

I think it would be better to talk to her, as kindly but as firmly as you can. If you just try to phase her out, I would worry that she would just keep ramping up the attention seeking behaviour - which is already at a worrying level!

Meet her in public somewhere. Take a deep breath and just tell her. I like the way Welsh Maenaed put it -

tell her that she's putting you off with the intensity and neediness, and that you're keen to remain on good terms but with going back to work, you won't have as much time for socialising and need her to stop contacting you all the time.

You tell her to stop and why, then follow up with a restraining order (only half joking). She sounds terrifying

And a huge YES to what betty said.

You would be doing her a big favour to tell her the truth but that would be very hard! I would just drift away and not answer, I think!

Be blunt and tell her you're busy for the foreseeable. Then delete and block from everything.

You do not sound like a bitch at all. I don't care what her issues are, she sounds scary. Seriously scary. Who is that intense? Nobody I've ever met!

Does she know where you will be working? I wouldn't put it past her to contact you there and make things difficult

I feel so sorry for you...you have done nothing to deserve or encourage this but be friendly and open. I have attracted the odd stalky type myself in the past, although nothing as intense as yours. I managed to shake them off by avoiding any contact and being 'busy' every time a get together was suggested. I did have one lady who phoned my house so often I had to change my phone number.

There is no friendship to be salvaged from this, so you may as well rip off the plaster and make a serious bid to get rid. Stop answering her texts and calls and if she turns up at your house tell her she's too full on, has freaked you out and you would like her to leave you alone.

Drop her lime she's hot! Seriously. Don't sit her down and have the 'I want to be friends BUT...' talk. I was stalked in a similar manner. It did not end well. I moved across town and moved schools because of it. It's 7 years ago.
Just cease all contact. Once upon a time, I felt sorry for people like this. Don't! She has issues and it's not within your capacity to help her. She's obsessive and you cannot change that, help that, or be her little 'happy' solution. Ghost this woman, pronto. Give her the ice cold shoulder. Yes I sound harsh but my stalker nearly ruined my life and my child's. It got dangerous and crazy. This will too. I can smell trouble.

Op, the Facebook message to your Dad made me shudder. An ex colleague once wrote a Christmas card to my Mum (who she had never met) saying similar, a year later she had been sectioned twice and I was giving evidence in court for harassment.

Be careful and be considerate, it does sound like she's not very well, but firmly lay down your boundaries.

Limr? Like! Sorry.That should have read 'like'.

What the fuck?

She's following your phone locations? Is that possible? You'd have to have an app that gives permission to her and others for that. I'd first start figuring out how she's tracking your phone, that's a bigger problem. It might just be as simple as you're updating twitter or facebook with locations turned on.

She clearly doesn't understand or care about personal boundaries. I would suspect MH problems with that level of intensity. If she's stressing about the friendship it's probably an anxiety disorder of sorts. But that's for her to take care of and get help for, not for you to cater to and deal with.

I'd start "having a full schedule", stay friendly if the DD's friendship is worth it, and just tell her how busy you are. It's impersonal and she'll move on to the next victim person.

I was going to say just ignore her and bare the brunt of the going nuts, ignoring that as well.

However, if you are uncomfortable with bumping into her while doing the ignoring (and i cant blame you) and you don;t want to tell her bluntly, then:

Begin by scaling down all replies to once a day, then 2 or 3 times a week. In your texts just keep saying kindly that you're too busy to meet up right now, and variations on this theme. Add that you'll let her know when you are free. Tell her briefly the things you are doing that mean you are too busy. Make it feel real for her, and therefore nothing to become hysterical over. Let her (hopefully) slowly see for herself that you are not the right friend for her.

She sounds totally unhinged. I'm sorry OP I have no constructive advice for you - I hope someone here does!

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend being blunt. The last thing you need is someone stirring up drama, and people like this have a knack for it...

The last thing you want is some loon knocking on your door or showing up at your work in a manic state to try and work it out. She already knows where you live, she might know where you're employed.

Not trying to scare you. Most people with mental illnesses are actually harmless, but it is obnoxious and unnerving. It's not something you really want to deal with because she clearly has the stamina to do what you already listed, she'll have the stamina to keep at it to try and "fix things".

Keeping it impersonal is the safest thing for both you two. As long as you have a valid reason to be busy, use it.

If she does do anything that makes you feel unsafe, call the police right away.

Thanks everyone for all your replies! Most of you are thinking along the same lines as me, I.E. Completely torn over what to do!

She does know roughly where I work but it's a split site (and I would normally been travelling between the two at any given time) so I wouldn't put it past her to ring the switchboard looking for me! I have no idea why she's so obsessive (honestly I'm the most boring person ever - I wouldn't stalk me)!

She does say things like; "if I'm annoying you, you can always tell me you know!" Which, if I wasn't such a lily-livered coward, would be my 'in' to tell her the truth! But I just get the distinct feeling that she wouldn't take criticism well. She's so fragile and I don't want to hurt her. But my God, she's driving me loony!

She has also laid hints which suggest that other people have run for the hills in the past. For example, she was told by one old friends NEIGHBOUR that the family had moved away as shed knocked on the door a few times with no answer. So either her friend had moved away without telling her (ouch) or she still bloody lives there and the neighbour was recruited to get her to buzz off!!! (Probable)! There was also quite a sad moment in the park over the summer when we bumped into some mums froth playgroup and they couldn't get away from us quick enough.

So I get the impression that I may not have been the first "victim"! But either she has no idea of boundaries or she totally knows what she's like and is trying to ambush me into being her BFF! Who would want to be friends with someone who was only there out of sheer cowardice politeness though?!

You're annoying me with your whiny, 'But our DD's are so sweet together. I feel so sorry for the DD's...' Get a grip and push this butter away for good. Do you really want your DD getting close to the offspring of a psycho?

*butter = nutter

She's ill. You can't do anything to fix that, so I'd back off very fast. I think you can do it politely by being very unavailable & not responding to texts etc but being polite if you bump into her. If you do reply to a text after a gap expect to be bombarded.

You're probably right TheSwallowingHandmaiden but there's a bit more to it than that. Without wishing to drip feed, my DD has some awful anxiety issues and sometimes self-harms. She is currently being assesed for potential ASD. She has, bless her little heart, only got about 3 friends that she feels comfortable with and this lady's DD is one of them. So stopping the kids friendship and then having my DD ask when she can she her mate all the time would be a bit of a choker. But perhaps it's for the best if her mates mum really is that bad? I'm glad I'm not over-reacting according to the majority of posts here though!

She sounds unwell. I feel sorry for her, but she is not your responsibility, and you are in no position to help her, even if she was. I do wonder what her husband knows about her behaviour.

I wouldn't delete her from Facebook as I suspect it would cause a huge degree of drama. I'd just phase her out. Sort out your phone so it can't be linked to hers; alter your settings so she can't read most of your Facebook posts; don't respond to texts more than once a week (and if she turns up on the doorstep, simply tell her you lead a busy life with lots of people in it, and if you responded to every text, you'd not have time to do anything else) and generally don't react to her. Challenging it directly is really not going to go well - if she could take that, then she'd not act like this to begin with. She's not well.

Reacting, because you are manipulated into feeling guilty about setting normal boundaries with this near-stranger, will create a stronger relationship, even if that relationship is a hostile one. Just try to present a calm, impermeable surface and avoid as much as you can until she latches on to someone else.

Omfg! It's like Single White Female

Omg I thought this was the same woman who stalked my friend after she made the mistake of chatting to her at a sing and sign class. She was seriously unhinged in the same way as this woman, very similar stuff. We are also in London....but not the same as she has no DH, but a DP who isnt the father of her kid. So not her.

Anyway my friend is way too kind hearted and really struggled to get rid of this woman. In the end she had to go cold turkey and not reply to anything, but thankfully the woman didn't know where she lived or worked, unlike in your case.

I also had a similar nutjob following me about (not just texts and calls - she would repeatedly facetime me!! Who the hell does that?!). Thankfully in my case she moved house a few months later, so I didn't have to hide for long. Also my DD hated her (also a bit weird) DD, so there was an added incentive to avoid her.

Sorry, no helpful advice, but lots of sympathy from me.

I think being very unavailable for the time being is probably the way to go. I will be working 3 days a week to start with but I might tell its 4 days or full time. If she carries on in the same vein, I will have to have words by the end of the year. But if she's not well I want to avoid being the potential cause of any harmful behaviour by being a bitch!

I'm lucky she's a netmums girl!

Problem is, when you try to distance yourself and she ramps it up, you crumble and she reinstated the status quo.

I think you need to put on your big girl pants and confront her.

Explain to her that things have changed with you going back to work. And while the girls are great friends, you don't really know her that well. Explain that you physically can't maintain the frienship she's looking for now you're no longer on maternity - and that her reaction to that in the past has been scary and kindly ask if she's always bonded quickly with other women, or is this how she's been feeling since she's had her DD... Suggest maybe she talk to someone because you're out of your depth, and her reaction to you not answering her texts/calls the same day are not ok.

You can be gentle and confront her at the same time.