Being stalked by nursery mum...

[MADEinLONDON]

Expecting a huge flaming here but I can't tell if I'm being over dramatic or if I'm being too laid back! Really not sure and I don't want to be nasty or dither any more than I already have. I also need some objective opinions as my friends and family are obviously all a bit biased!

Basically, I think I'm being stalked by the mother of one of my DD's playgroup friends...

My middle child DD (3yo) started at playgroup in January. She struggled to settle in at first but soon made some friends and one or two in particular she was quite fond of. I briefly met the mother of one of her friends at a speech therapy drop-in that we both attended in April on behalf of our DD's. We only spoke briefly but she (the mother!) seemed nice, if a bit stressed out with her 2 kids.

I then moved house (still locally but just had loads on) and barely saw this woman again until maybe late June? The kids playgroup was breaking up for the holidays in mid-July and so we said that because our DD's were such good friends, it would be nice to swap mobile numbers and then maybe meet up over the summer so they could playdate. I agreed and so swap numbers we did!

WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.

She started off sending me 4, maybe 5 texts a day - sometimes up to 12! They were VERY intense, lovely dovey sort of texts (where she would constantly compliment me despite not knowing me really). She was very kind and flattering but I felt a bit weird about it. She is also very down on herself in the texts and no amount of reassurance from me seems to satisfy her. She would also bombard me with texts about meeting up virtually every day. If I don't reply to her texts in a timely manor, then she rings me! I hope I don't come across as arrogant here, but I have 3 kids to deal with, have not long moved house (so have to sort out all the unpacking and decorating that goes hand in hand with that) and I'm also a carer for my ill mother-in-law at the moment. She is thankfully recovering just in time for me to go back to work next month (have been on maternity leave with my youngest son). So I have a lot on and whilst I'm always happy to make new friends, I just don't have enough hours in the day to be constantly meeting up or replying to this woman's texts. I of course am more than happy for our DD's to be friends (and they really do get along like the proverbial house on fire)!

One day, I was out with my sister and we did not stop all day! I was aware that I'd missed 2 texts from here at about mid-afternoon but just didn't have time to reply. I also missed a phone call. I got home about 8pm only to find something in the floor. It was a tesco's receipt which she'd written on and drop through the letterbox and it said the following:

"Hi MADE. I'm so sorry if I've done something to destroy our friendship. I Really hope we can still be friends and me and the girls miss you. X"

I shit you not.

I sometimes don't hear from my BEST friends for a fortnight and it would never occur to me that they were anything other than astonishingly busy! But one DAY of not replying to texts/a phone call and then this?! She had actually told her husband to give her kids dinner whilst she walked up to my house and attempted to catch me at home! When I was obviously out she dropped this in. OMG. It feels like the kind of note your mate sends you after a falling out in school when you're 12!!! I was very freaked out to say the least...

I'm now just going to list the rest of the weirdness, otherwise this will turn into war and peace...

1. the constant calls and texts and turning up unannounced when I'm not replying quickly enough. Also walking her dogs behind my house and looking through my bedroom window. (I haven't caught her doing this but she says she does it all the time).

2. the receipt (obvs)

3. adding me on Facebook and starting to make odd comments on my dad's wall about being "so glad he made me".

4. Upon finding out our DD's would be attending the same nursery come Sept just gone, she phoned the school up and DEMANDED the girls be placed in the same class on the same days/times.

5. I have now had to put DD (and soon my youngest DS) in a private nursery instead as I'm heading back to work soon and it's easier childcare-wise. When I told her that my DD wouldn't be going to the school nursery after all, she text me saying she couldn't stop crying and that "she didn't mean to make me feel guilty, but she couldn't bear to break the news to her DD as she would be devastated." (Still feel bad about the poor girls).

6. Almost turned down a day's paid work as she wanted to check if I was available that day for a play date first.

7. Giving my address, phone number and "financial situation" (wtf?!) out to a charity she supports without my consent. Cue junk mail/calls.

8. Sent me a "share location" text (it basically says "(insert name) would like to share location with you" and then gives you the option to press either 'share' or 'not now'. If you share then she can read your location and follow you via your phone wherever you go! (Apparently a little map pops up and your name initial trundles down the roads on the map that you are travelling on)! I never even knew you could do that and I obviously pressed the 'not now' option, but I think my phone bypassed it anyway, because...

9. ...she has showed up at THREE different places that I have been at within 10 minutes of me getting there!!! I have now had to switch off all privacy and location settings on my phone as I think she's been able to track me still somehow.

10. After managing to put her off for a record 2.5 weeks, I finally agreed to meet her in the park so the girls could play. She told me she "couldn't believe we were really here" and that she was so happy. Later in the conversation she admitted to me that she'd tricked her husband into getting her pregnant with her eldest DD by "spitting all her pills down the sink." My jaw is still on the floor with that one...

All in all, I think she's not too stable and even so, I'm not really sure I'd like to stay friends (I very rarely say that about anyone). I dread each text and if I don't reply then she ramps it up. I don't want to meet up with her anymore but feel bad for our DDs who are very sweet and such good friends. She scares me a lot though. She is very intense but also a bit of a drip at the same time. I don't mean to be nasty but I feel so "put off" by her neediness. I feel so sorry for her as I think she's lonely and I might be one of her only friends. But it feels she is trying to make me responsible for her happiness and I just can't do it. She either has serious boundary issues or is (as my friends and family suspect) rather manipulative. She can be very kind but everything has a some sort of intrusion attached to it.

For my part, I've tried to be friendly and I hope I haven't led her on! But this is impacting my life now to the point that I've told her my mobile phone is broken as I just don't want to deal with her all the time. I know I'm a wimp! Don't want to cause hurt feelings but how the hell do I extrcate myself from this mumsnetters? Also scared of her reaction and feel sorry for our DD's...

Aaaaaaaaargh!

Call the police if she does not stop after being told to was what most people mean I am sure.

It's the bit about the phone tracking that makes me feel the OP needs to get some advice from the police. Depending on how the phone is being tracked then that could be the bit that's crossed the line into breaking the law already, regardless of whether the OP has said "no contact" or not.

Asking for advice is not the same as reporting. And the OP needs to break contact completely, including for her DD, as I don't feel this "friend" is going to respect boundaries.

I had a stalker once I did not report it. I wish I had, it took ages to stop (and probably a new victim)

Please come back and update us OP- I hope you are okay

Sounds very much like borderline personality disorder. Severe fears of abandonment etc. I think the best way to deal with it is to cut all contact. Maybe ask a mh professional for advice as how best to deal with abandoning her so to speak

Hi all - apologies for absence! It's been a nutty day and I'm off out on a rare night on the tiles tonight with friends, so might not be in a fit state back to update until tomorrow! I've only had one text today (hoorah) asking me if I'd consider cancelling my son's first birthday party to come with her to some kids clubbing event (!) I haven't replied, so she should be at my door in 3..2..1.....!

Thanks for all the support though. I haven't been entire,y clear with this lady and she's still under the impression that we have a good friendship (I haven't wanted to hurt her feelings). But I think once I'm clear with her, if she still carries on (or gets worse), only then would it perhaps be a police matter. I hope it doesn't get to that! Enough of my nearest and dearest know the rough situation now, so I'm hoping a few peeps will have my back if the turd hits the fan!

Also, apols for terrible spelling/grammar in all of my previous posts. I'm on my eldest son's iPad and it's doing strange things! That, and I'm tired!!!

Back tomorrow hopefully...

Ememem84 that made me laugh!

Have a good night tonight OP, but seriously you need to bin her and quick. She is totally deluded if she thinks her event trumps your son's first birthday party and the fact she's even suggested it shows how out of touch with reality she is.

I hope to God she doesn't turn up at your night out tonight.

Thanks! She'd have to follow me about 70 miles to get to where I'm going out tonight (I'm staying over). If she turned up there then perhaps the police might have to here about it then!!!

I had a nursery mum do this to me, although on a lesser scale to some extent. I had to mention to the nursery that under no circumstances was she to collect my DD and they already knew that that she was behaving weird, not just with me but I was the main focus.
I went NC after my DD went to reception but she enrolled her child to the school, which was completely out of catchment for her. When walking around on the open day, she was telling the staff what great friends we were (hadn't seen her for 12 months).
I told the school too about no pick ups ever, and said I would rather sound like a hysterical overreacting mum than something happen and them not being aware. They did have to call me once and make a report. We have no contact at all and that's the only way it can be.
I hope things work out for you. I would recommend that anyone with this problem makes the nursery/school aware.

OP, make sure your bunnies are safely ensconsed in the house tonight.

Have a good night xx

BTW, I once had the opposite happen to me... A mom decided to drop me like a hot brick and avoid me at all cost. Never did find out why.

I wasn't a stalker..honest!

Have you read the novel Endless Love?

I think this woman is delusional and a stalker, and that any further contact will be twisted by her and encourage her.

I think some internet research on dealing with stalking would be helpful here

I would write down everything that has happened so far - including dates and times if possible, and content of texts/phone messages/emails, and from now on keep a log of everything but record things as neutrally as possible - just what and when and where.

I would only gently loosen contact, as others have suggested, since totally dropping her would probably exacerbate any clinginess. Be busy, with only minimal and neutral opportunities to meet her, with a fixed time limit (got to get to wherever for an appointment etc).

I have no ideas about the phone but get an expert friend or professional to make sure it is okay. Also the advice about contacting the nursery. Keep all boundaries fairly high. Good luck.

Yes, I agree, a rational person would get the message if you politely asked them to back off a bit. It's clear she isn't rational so therefore any further contact could exacerbate the situation.

I fully understand why you have been polite and agreed to meet her on occasions, but I think now is the time to sever all contact with her.

Don't read or reply to her messages, but keep them as evidence in the event she doesn't get the hint.

Someone has suggested BPD, however I know 2 people with this condition and they are not stalkers; just very persuasive and emotionally manipulative.

If she does have you " tracked" without your consent, this is a criminal matter. I'd call the police for advice on how to handle this situation.

Worth a mention...have you googled her name? There may be some public information regarding her past if she has any criminal history.

Her full name and local paper are a good start. I doubt you are her first victim.

This happened to me once to a lesser extent. Several texts a day, "love you my darling friend", from a school mum who hardly knew me. Phoning to check if I'd seen her facebook message because I hadn't replied an hour later and she was worried about me. "Have I done anything to upset you" textsanother hour later. Fortunately I moved 300 miles away! The texts and messages kept coming, she kept trying to comeand visit (including over Christmas and when I'd just had a baby!! Eventually I restricted her on facebook and stopped answering texts. She seems to have gone away.

I would keep a record, times and dates of all contact, OP, in case it does get worse and you need to involve the police.

BTW - the novel I mentioned is Enduring Love.

Endless Love is something v different

Could she be in love with you? I too was stalked by a school mum but that's another thread...

MADE Please let us know what happens? I don't reckon you'll make it to New Year... she sounds pretty insistent (read: mental).

I consider myself a pretty patient person, but I also value my privacy... and I would've told her to shove off calm down....

Update! Update!

Sorry to derail, but since when are personality disorders not mental illnesses?

I would ask around with the other mums who avoid her before you make any decisions about how to tackle this. Depending how unstable she is, she may react badly to you going NC but she may also be encouraged by you taking a softly softly approach. I hope these other mums can give some insight. I wouldn't spare this woman's blushes - you need to know what you're dealing with. Poor you - what an utter nightmare.

Bloody good idea lazycoo. OP, if you're able to, can you make contact with other mums who've had to cut off your stalker in the past to get their thoughts/experience in NC?

I'm here to support you in cutting all ties with this disturbed lady.

You mentioned that you are concerned about the social impact on your DD. This is actually a really good chance to give her an important lesson - an offer of friendship is just that; an offer. It is perfectly ok to decline that offer, especially if the behaviour of the person offering 'friendship' makes you feel uncomfortable. It is important not to feel grateful for attention if that attention is damaging.

I have a nasty feeling that this woman sees some kind of reflection of her own damage in the issues your DD is dealing with and is looking for a share in the love and support you are obviously showing your DD. It is difficult and I wish you all the best in extricating yourself gently but firmly from this situation.

She sounds unhinged. Way, way too intense. Could you bring yourself to text her and be really blunt. Something like 'I am sorry, I don't want to continue this friendship any more. Please don't call or text me again.' And then, DO NOT RESPOND to the inevitable wailing banshee behaviour that follows.