Being stalked by nursery mum...

[MADEinLONDON]

Expecting a huge flaming here but I can't tell if I'm being over dramatic or if I'm being too laid back! Really not sure and I don't want to be nasty or dither any more than I already have. I also need some objective opinions as my friends and family are obviously all a bit biased!

Basically, I think I'm being stalked by the mother of one of my DD's playgroup friends...

My middle child DD (3yo) started at playgroup in January. She struggled to settle in at first but soon made some friends and one or two in particular she was quite fond of. I briefly met the mother of one of her friends at a speech therapy drop-in that we both attended in April on behalf of our DD's. We only spoke briefly but she (the mother!) seemed nice, if a bit stressed out with her 2 kids.

I then moved house (still locally but just had loads on) and barely saw this woman again until maybe late June? The kids playgroup was breaking up for the holidays in mid-July and so we said that because our DD's were such good friends, it would be nice to swap mobile numbers and then maybe meet up over the summer so they could playdate. I agreed and so swap numbers we did!

WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.

She started off sending me 4, maybe 5 texts a day - sometimes up to 12! They were VERY intense, lovely dovey sort of texts (where she would constantly compliment me despite not knowing me really). She was very kind and flattering but I felt a bit weird about it. She is also very down on herself in the texts and no amount of reassurance from me seems to satisfy her. She would also bombard me with texts about meeting up virtually every day. If I don't reply to her texts in a timely manor, then she rings me! I hope I don't come across as arrogant here, but I have 3 kids to deal with, have not long moved house (so have to sort out all the unpacking and decorating that goes hand in hand with that) and I'm also a carer for my ill mother-in-law at the moment. She is thankfully recovering just in time for me to go back to work next month (have been on maternity leave with my youngest son). So I have a lot on and whilst I'm always happy to make new friends, I just don't have enough hours in the day to be constantly meeting up or replying to this woman's texts. I of course am more than happy for our DD's to be friends (and they really do get along like the proverbial house on fire)!

One day, I was out with my sister and we did not stop all day! I was aware that I'd missed 2 texts from here at about mid-afternoon but just didn't have time to reply. I also missed a phone call. I got home about 8pm only to find something in the floor. It was a tesco's receipt which she'd written on and drop through the letterbox and it said the following:

"Hi MADE. I'm so sorry if I've done something to destroy our friendship. I Really hope we can still be friends and me and the girls miss you. X"

I shit you not.

I sometimes don't hear from my BEST friends for a fortnight and it would never occur to me that they were anything other than astonishingly busy! But one DAY of not replying to texts/a phone call and then this?! She had actually told her husband to give her kids dinner whilst she walked up to my house and attempted to catch me at home! When I was obviously out she dropped this in. OMG. It feels like the kind of note your mate sends you after a falling out in school when you're 12!!! I was very freaked out to say the least...

I'm now just going to list the rest of the weirdness, otherwise this will turn into war and peace...

1. the constant calls and texts and turning up unannounced when I'm not replying quickly enough. Also walking her dogs behind my house and looking through my bedroom window. (I haven't caught her doing this but she says she does it all the time).

2. the receipt (obvs)

3. adding me on Facebook and starting to make odd comments on my dad's wall about being "so glad he made me".

4. Upon finding out our DD's would be attending the same nursery come Sept just gone, she phoned the school up and DEMANDED the girls be placed in the same class on the same days/times.

5. I have now had to put DD (and soon my youngest DS) in a private nursery instead as I'm heading back to work soon and it's easier childcare-wise. When I told her that my DD wouldn't be going to the school nursery after all, she text me saying she couldn't stop crying and that "she didn't mean to make me feel guilty, but she couldn't bear to break the news to her DD as she would be devastated." (Still feel bad about the poor girls).

6. Almost turned down a day's paid work as she wanted to check if I was available that day for a play date first.

7. Giving my address, phone number and "financial situation" (wtf?!) out to a charity she supports without my consent. Cue junk mail/calls.

8. Sent me a "share location" text (it basically says "(insert name) would like to share location with you" and then gives you the option to press either 'share' or 'not now'. If you share then she can read your location and follow you via your phone wherever you go! (Apparently a little map pops up and your name initial trundles down the roads on the map that you are travelling on)! I never even knew you could do that and I obviously pressed the 'not now' option, but I think my phone bypassed it anyway, because...

9. ...she has showed up at THREE different places that I have been at within 10 minutes of me getting there!!! I have now had to switch off all privacy and location settings on my phone as I think she's been able to track me still somehow.

10. After managing to put her off for a record 2.5 weeks, I finally agreed to meet her in the park so the girls could play. She told me she "couldn't believe we were really here" and that she was so happy. Later in the conversation she admitted to me that she'd tricked her husband into getting her pregnant with her eldest DD by "spitting all her pills down the sink." My jaw is still on the floor with that one...

All in all, I think she's not too stable and even so, I'm not really sure I'd like to stay friends (I very rarely say that about anyone). I dread each text and if I don't reply then she ramps it up. I don't want to meet up with her anymore but feel bad for our DDs who are very sweet and such good friends. She scares me a lot though. She is very intense but also a bit of a drip at the same time. I don't mean to be nasty but I feel so "put off" by her neediness. I feel so sorry for her as I think she's lonely and I might be one of her only friends. But it feels she is trying to make me responsible for her happiness and I just can't do it. She either has serious boundary issues or is (as my friends and family suspect) rather manipulative. She can be very kind but everything has a some sort of intrusion attached to it.

For my part, I've tried to be friendly and I hope I haven't led her on! But this is impacting my life now to the point that I've told her my mobile phone is broken as I just don't want to deal with her all the time. I know I'm a wimp! Don't want to cause hurt feelings but how the hell do I extrcate myself from this mumsnetters? Also scared of her reaction and feel sorry for our DD's...

Aaaaaaaaargh!

She's stalking you. Your options are as follows:

1. Choose to still be friends with her- but sit her down and tell her what she is doing is unacceptable and it is making you feel uncomfortable and while you are happy to move past it, if it continues to happen the friendship will be lost.

2. Realise this is harassment, ask her to leave you alone and explain if she doesn't you will have to contact the police.

A feel very sorry for her in a way as she is obviously very lonely. Maybe go for option 1 and see what happens.

She clearly has MH issues and you need to be very cautious dealing with her.

She sounds like she has serious MH issues and no understanding of boundaries. I personally think that if you phase her out she'll just come on even stronger to try and get your attention. I think you just need to have an honest chat with her and say that you like her but you're busy and can't cope with her constant ringing and texting. If that doesn't work it may be worth having a chat to the police about her behaviour which is really stalker-ish and worrying.

bloody hell . I'd start by blocking her number and block her from your, and your dads, facebook page.

I'd drop her completely tbh, I can't see her taking the hint and easing off.

If your DD potentially has ASD then you REALLY need to knock it on the head. Kids often model what they see, and I doubt this child is learning much that is healthy. And an ASD child with strong social interest but lacking social skills is very, very vulnerable to manipulation from someone who they think is their friend. And especially adults - even more than all children are, they lack the antennae to know when something is off.

DS is diagnosed. I don't speak lightly.

I think people advising you to confront a stalker don't know much about stalking. It's accepted that doing so generally fuels it. It's an intense emotional connection between two people, hostility, and just as you try to ignore bad and praise good behaviour with kids on the basis that any attention can be better than none, engaging with stalker just teaches them that their behaviour earns them contact. Really, go mild and low contact, don't offer any traction for drama whatsoever.

Run, run for the hills. Seriously, softly softly will get you nowhere. Unless you are prepared to fake your own death then you need to ignore. Make it clear that you are really busy (going back to work is a good excuse) then keep ignoring. I feel quite sorry for her but you can't win here.

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate the replies! (And the validation that it IS as bad as I thought)!

sleeponeday that's good advise - thank you. Stalker lady's DD is a lovely little kid but as they grow up, any number of dodgy influences could manifest I suppose. It's suspected Asperger's in my DD's case (it manifests slightly differently in girls I'm told). So in some ways she's very much the social butterfly! But it's also all too much for her at times too. Almost like an introvert who is desperate to be an extrovert! At 3.5 years old, I don't suppose we'll get a full diagnosis for her just yet but the ball is rolling...

I would be more concerned that DD is picking up on this lady's foibles to be honest. I think super-busy phase out to start with, then a word in the ear if that doesn't work. I'll have to be brave! I wish I could help this lady out of her problems but it's well beyond me I'm afraid...

I feel very sorry for her - she sounds quite unwell - but she is not your responsibility and her behaviour isn't acceptable. I wouldn't confront her either, I think that could well make things worse.

I would just go low contact and then let that fizzle out. Ignore any "bad" behaviour ie repeated texts, follow up calls, weird notes through the door. Just don't acknowledge them. Make sure you mention how busy it's going to be when you go back to work. Go to a phone shop and get your phone sorted too.

The other thing to bear in mind is that if your DDs remain friends, in a year or two there will be the expectation of unaccompanied playdates. I really wouldn't want to leave any of my dcs in her sole care.

I've experienced a similar situation, although thankfully we didn't live so close together! I would definitely concur with the advice of a low-level "distancing" approach rather than any sort of confrontation. Don't respond to texts or phonecalls, and if you run into her, be pleasant but vague - and always on your way somewhere. Sadly, she will have experienced this before and eventually she will find someone fresh to focus on.

Made, my dd is 20 and is an Aspie.

She goes out happily with her friends but gets to a point when she's had enough social contact and just needs to retreat and recharge. She was a really popular member of her class up to about 7/8 when things start getting more complicated socially.

The phone thing is really worrying. We have it set up between Me and DH and we will add DS1 when he gets his phone from Santa. Wouldn't dream of asking to track a friend or relative outside of DH and DS's.

She's obviously got major issues but I doubt that you can fix them.

Is there anyone you dislike? Can you introduce her to this stalker woman so that you are replaced as her no 1 friend?

wow that is seriously not at all normal. there is no way i'd be able to handle that.

i'd definitely scale down the replies dramatically and blame work. drag that on for a few weeks and hopefully she'll get distracted by the new school.

you can't be responsible for her. your responsibility is only with your dd, and your dd will also make new friends. while it's important for her to maintain friendships, i think i'd not be particularly encouraging of this one, at at the first opportunity let it go.

i do feel sorry for this woman though. i wonder if anyone has ever told her that she is way to intense? maybe she doesn't realise how full-on she is. i wonder what her dh is like...

Sounds very Single White Female ish! Think you need to tell her to back off. You have been really patient but she sounds obsessed with you.

I had a similar situation which I accidentally solved by sending a text whinging about her to her when she was fucking sat across from me. I didn't realise straightaway but knew something was amiss when she made her excuses and left. Fuck fuck fuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk! It was a genuine mistake (her name is the same as my sisters). She text me back thanking me for the info within a minute of leaving and I never heard from her again, well I saw her at school but she avoided me. I felt guilty but also a bit relieved. As well as trying to meet up every day and texting me at all hours her behaviour was bizarre. She turned up at my work, sat at the bar, and got horrendously pissed, started shouting at my boss for making me work, threw up and tried to hit a customer. I told the staff to not serve her any more and they said they hadn't served her anything except lemonade. She was drinking her own vodka sneakily. To apologise she sent me a teddy with a sewn on love heart. After that I avoided her and was polite when I saw her but a few months later our dc started the same school nursery together.

I saw her one morning walking behind me. She shouted me and said she was going for a long walk. I lived on a cul-de-sac but she followed me down. She invited herself in for a brew after tricking me by asking for a glass of water. She had her youngest still in his nightwear in his buggy so I presumed it would be a quick one. She stayed all morning. I thought I'd use the excuse I had nothing in for lunch and more tea and needed to go to the supermarket. She pulled a packed lunch out of a cool bag under the buggy. I didn't know what to say or do. So naturally I sent my sister a mean text about her. that was when she left.

I feel uneasy just reading your Op

Put a stop to it

I had a friend like this once. Note I said 'had'.

Two words. get rid.

Sounds harsh but life is too short. She will make yours a misery.

You won't get a flaming from me. No body wants their space getting invaded 8 days a week 25 hours a day. That's not being unreasonable. That's just life. However I will not flame this women either reading between the lines she seems very needy and perhaps lonely and yes she could have MH issues, so I'm not sure nastiness is the answer but you certainly need to have a delicate compassionate word, that while you appreciate her friendship, you also want and need your own space, but like most things in life, that is, far easier said than done. I do understand that.
Broken hearted. Good luck trying to stop 2 children being friends.

I have known 3 women like this. In fact, I thought they were bad, but your "friend" actually trumps them as being even more intense. I was in my 30's at the time. I'm now 45. And I no longer speak to any of them. I was, like you, very scared of hurting their feelings. Trust me when I say, that you have to get away from her asap. Of the 3 women I knew:

"Friend no 1" - When I was having trouble with my ExH, she passed on to him everything I confided in her, and then they had sex, before we separated.

"Friend no 2" - Rang me daily with her life's problems, so much so, that it ruined family life. Then, when she was really out of control and telling her little girl she was going to commit suicide and I tried to get her to stop, she said I must be sleeping with her (very fat and ugly) DH.

"Friend no 3" - Attacked me on a night out, because the guy she fancied, liked me and not her. Then stalked me and when she knew I was out, she knocked my door and told ExH a pack of lies about me and that guy.

This is just a snippet of the totally mad stuff they did. I knew they were unhinged, but like you, I didn't address it, for fear of hurting them. Knowing what I do now, I would never ever entertain friendships with people that appear a bit odd.

Change your number and AVOID AVOID AVOID. Please!

You do realise that the longer you allow your dd to be 'friends' with the other girl the harder it will be for your dd when it all ends? Because end it must. The woman is mentally ill, stalking you, she's got into your head already because you feel you're not able to state your boundaries with her or maintain them. Also, the longer you allow this woman access to you the stronger her 'feelings' will be about you - and the harder she will be to shake off.

re the phone, i've had that happen to me, there was no app on my phone so i'm guessing it must have happened via text like yours. she would often come round to my flat and most likely accessed my phone whilst i was on the toilet to give her enough time to do it without being caught. i felt like i was going crazy for imagining i was being stalked by her via phone location but that was the only it could have happened.

you need to toughen up, i'm sure she was upset each time all the other women cut contact with her - but has it stopped her behaving the way she does? No. She knows it's not acceptable behaviour which is why she says things like 'you can always tell me to back off', those comments are also designed to make you feel guilty and bad for wanting to back off from her and at the same time feel sorry for her so you don't.

She's got her hooks into you psychologically and you're allowing her to dig in deeper. why don't you ever ask any of the other school mums what their experiences were with her? Might open your eyes and give you the push you need to put an end to this.

Make sure you notify DD's nursery about nutty 'friend' and make sure she can't pick your DD up.

Block her from your facebook. Get your Dad to do it too and any other relations/friends in your group if you can.

Possibly speak to the police as some aspects of what she's doing veer into stalking/harassment.

Good luck. Sounds like a total nightmare. I wouldn't bother sitting down to discuss anything with her and certainly wouldn't want my children to have playdates at her place without being supervised.

Oh my god this woman sounds terrifying. OP, please be careful with how you handle the situation, it could make things worse.

OMG she is seriously needy. I agree. You need to end it. She definetly sounds as though she has mental issues.