Being stalked by nursery mum...

[MADEinLONDON]

Expecting a huge flaming here but I can't tell if I'm being over dramatic or if I'm being too laid back! Really not sure and I don't want to be nasty or dither any more than I already have. I also need some objective opinions as my friends and family are obviously all a bit biased!

Basically, I think I'm being stalked by the mother of one of my DD's playgroup friends...

My middle child DD (3yo) started at playgroup in January. She struggled to settle in at first but soon made some friends and one or two in particular she was quite fond of. I briefly met the mother of one of her friends at a speech therapy drop-in that we both attended in April on behalf of our DD's. We only spoke briefly but she (the mother!) seemed nice, if a bit stressed out with her 2 kids.

I then moved house (still locally but just had loads on) and barely saw this woman again until maybe late June? The kids playgroup was breaking up for the holidays in mid-July and so we said that because our DD's were such good friends, it would be nice to swap mobile numbers and then maybe meet up over the summer so they could playdate. I agreed and so swap numbers we did!

WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.

She started off sending me 4, maybe 5 texts a day - sometimes up to 12! They were VERY intense, lovely dovey sort of texts (where she would constantly compliment me despite not knowing me really). She was very kind and flattering but I felt a bit weird about it. She is also very down on herself in the texts and no amount of reassurance from me seems to satisfy her. She would also bombard me with texts about meeting up virtually every day. If I don't reply to her texts in a timely manor, then she rings me! I hope I don't come across as arrogant here, but I have 3 kids to deal with, have not long moved house (so have to sort out all the unpacking and decorating that goes hand in hand with that) and I'm also a carer for my ill mother-in-law at the moment. She is thankfully recovering just in time for me to go back to work next month (have been on maternity leave with my youngest son). So I have a lot on and whilst I'm always happy to make new friends, I just don't have enough hours in the day to be constantly meeting up or replying to this woman's texts. I of course am more than happy for our DD's to be friends (and they really do get along like the proverbial house on fire)!

One day, I was out with my sister and we did not stop all day! I was aware that I'd missed 2 texts from here at about mid-afternoon but just didn't have time to reply. I also missed a phone call. I got home about 8pm only to find something in the floor. It was a tesco's receipt which she'd written on and drop through the letterbox and it said the following:

"Hi MADE. I'm so sorry if I've done something to destroy our friendship. I Really hope we can still be friends and me and the girls miss you. X"

I shit you not.

I sometimes don't hear from my BEST friends for a fortnight and it would never occur to me that they were anything other than astonishingly busy! But one DAY of not replying to texts/a phone call and then this?! She had actually told her husband to give her kids dinner whilst she walked up to my house and attempted to catch me at home! When I was obviously out she dropped this in. OMG. It feels like the kind of note your mate sends you after a falling out in school when you're 12!!! I was very freaked out to say the least...

I'm now just going to list the rest of the weirdness, otherwise this will turn into war and peace...

1. the constant calls and texts and turning up unannounced when I'm not replying quickly enough. Also walking her dogs behind my house and looking through my bedroom window. (I haven't caught her doing this but she says she does it all the time).

2. the receipt (obvs)

3. adding me on Facebook and starting to make odd comments on my dad's wall about being "so glad he made me".

4. Upon finding out our DD's would be attending the same nursery come Sept just gone, she phoned the school up and DEMANDED the girls be placed in the same class on the same days/times.

5. I have now had to put DD (and soon my youngest DS) in a private nursery instead as I'm heading back to work soon and it's easier childcare-wise. When I told her that my DD wouldn't be going to the school nursery after all, she text me saying she couldn't stop crying and that "she didn't mean to make me feel guilty, but she couldn't bear to break the news to her DD as she would be devastated." (Still feel bad about the poor girls).

6. Almost turned down a day's paid work as she wanted to check if I was available that day for a play date first.

7. Giving my address, phone number and "financial situation" (wtf?!) out to a charity she supports without my consent. Cue junk mail/calls.

8. Sent me a "share location" text (it basically says "(insert name) would like to share location with you" and then gives you the option to press either 'share' or 'not now'. If you share then she can read your location and follow you via your phone wherever you go! (Apparently a little map pops up and your name initial trundles down the roads on the map that you are travelling on)! I never even knew you could do that and I obviously pressed the 'not now' option, but I think my phone bypassed it anyway, because...

9. ...she has showed up at THREE different places that I have been at within 10 minutes of me getting there!!! I have now had to switch off all privacy and location settings on my phone as I think she's been able to track me still somehow.

10. After managing to put her off for a record 2.5 weeks, I finally agreed to meet her in the park so the girls could play. She told me she "couldn't believe we were really here" and that she was so happy. Later in the conversation she admitted to me that she'd tricked her husband into getting her pregnant with her eldest DD by "spitting all her pills down the sink." My jaw is still on the floor with that one...

All in all, I think she's not too stable and even so, I'm not really sure I'd like to stay friends (I very rarely say that about anyone). I dread each text and if I don't reply then she ramps it up. I don't want to meet up with her anymore but feel bad for our DDs who are very sweet and such good friends. She scares me a lot though. She is very intense but also a bit of a drip at the same time. I don't mean to be nasty but I feel so "put off" by her neediness. I feel so sorry for her as I think she's lonely and I might be one of her only friends. But it feels she is trying to make me responsible for her happiness and I just can't do it. She either has serious boundary issues or is (as my friends and family suspect) rather manipulative. She can be very kind but everything has a some sort of intrusion attached to it.

For my part, I've tried to be friendly and I hope I haven't led her on! But this is impacting my life now to the point that I've told her my mobile phone is broken as I just don't want to deal with her all the time. I know I'm a wimp! Don't want to cause hurt feelings but how the hell do I extrcate myself from this mumsnetters? Also scared of her reaction and feel sorry for our DD's...

Aaaaaaaaargh!

I used to work with a woman like this, she suffered from poor MH, and was desperate for intense friendships. I felt very sorry for her, and tried to keep her company, but at times her behaviour was frightening.

A relatively mild example would be the time we had a work "do" and partners came too. She took a real shine to the wife of a colleague, who was very kind and friendly. They hadn't met before. The next morning at 7AM, I shit you not, my colleague's phone rang, and it was the disturbed lady wondering if colleague's wife would like to go shopping that afternoon. Colleague's wife said she was convinced disturbed lady had been up all night, ever since the party, waiting to call.

I won't give details about some of the more extreme incidents at work, which were all to do with disturbed lady trying to make friends, but she eventually resigned jumped before she was pushed and moved away.

How is she tracking you-that is scary?! I'd do a reboot on my phone and set it all up from scratch.

Sorry, I meant to say that I won't elaborate because police were involved, and it might be a bit sensitive for some colleague's of mine who I know are MNetters.

• sorry about erroneous apostrophe there.

I have friends with mental health issues, so I don't say this lightly - you need to cut all contact with her. Seriously, I'm very sorry that she has obviously 'latched on' to you as a friend, but this is very unhealthy behaviour and I honestly cannot see how you are in a position to give her the help she clearly needs. I would probably sit her down and explain why to her, but I'd not blame you for cutting all contact and avoiding her either.

This has reminded me of the mother of one of dd's friends when she was 6. She invited me to her house whilst the girls were playing. I'd said I'd stay an hour as I needed to get back to get ds and dd to bed and she just kept on insisting I stay. 3 hours later exh ended up having to rescue me. And she'd phone me up pissed at 5.30 in the afternoon for hours telling me all about how her mother had made her like this and it was all the Pope's fault and all manner of shit.

I avoided her after that and was very non-commital with any arrangements she tried to make. A few years down the line her dd was badly bullying mine but she'd try making out my dd was the bully and all sorts. I'm so glad there was no social media back then.

Nutty friend. That's a bit naughty isnt it, Luci.
Sad that people who suffer from MH.issues are being referred to as "nutty".

She sounds very ill. I think you have to decide if you want to reaim friends with her but be very firm and honest with her and help her seek help (GP or have a chat with her DH/family to begin with). Or cut contact with her.

If I were you I'd be contemplating whether I have the resources/time/energy to help her seek the help she needs. In your situation with your DD I think you'd be justified in deciding it isn't a challenge you can take on right now.

It sounds a bit Single White Female. I've no idea how you'd get rid of her.

I think you need to a) wean her off you, and b) get some other friends involved. Can you explain to her that you're a bit frazzled because of the dch but you'll ring her Tuesday (or whatever - give yourself a couple of days' peace). If she agrees and keep to this then 'reward' her with a trip to the park with the dch. Gradually make the gap longer.

Does she have any other friends or family that you could contact? A few more shared friends might mean she is distracted from yo

A friend of mine had a new neighbour move in a while ago and it pretty quickly escalated into a situation similar to yours, OP. In the end she had to just tell her that she was scaring her, and that;

• No, after just three weeks of knowing her she did not want to be her maid of honour.
• No, she didn't want to take down the fences between their gardens so it would be like they lived together.
• No, she didn't appreciate her letting herself in her unlocked back door and doing chores for her whilst she was out (washing up, vacuuming, putting LAUNDRY AWAY)
• No, she didn't really like the way she messaged her friends on facebook to start arguments with them about the way she perceived them to be treating my friend (me included), and threatening them with violence...

It was absolutely crazy. And scary. My friend was very patient for a long time but it got too much and she knew she had to be brutal or she'd never be left alone. No amount of subtlety got through. She did suffer a bit of nastiness and retaliation in the form of anonymous calls to the council and social services, but nothing she couldn't handle. She informed the police. And started locking her back door. She moved away a little while after, but her daughter now attends the same school as our children and we occasionally see her around. It's incredibly awkward.

She may have issues but as heartless as it may sound, they are not your problem. You feel uncomfortable and that is a good enough reason to cut ties. But do be careful

I had one person in a new workplace take a shine to me and stick to me like glue for a while, making a big fuss of me and trying to be best mates and so on. I though 'strange' and 'friendship easy come, friendship easy go' and was a bit cautious as I thought she might turn on me. One day, after three years or so she did, in a rather nasty way. it was OK because I had kept an emotional distance all the way along that she didn't sense, but still it was not very nice.

I think there is always a risk with these women that there is a MH issue of some kind, and that they will turn. So it's important to wriggle out of this relationship while it is still fairly new. A factor in the woman I had a problem with was that she had slight Asperger's so didn't quite get how normal friendships worked - she only really understood very intense ones.

Changing your phone is a start. Telling her you have a lot on and haven't got time at the moment is another. Physical distance is a third way (easier when she is not tracking your phone). She will hopefully get bored and move onto something/someone else.

Change your phone number, change your name, move house......she sounds psycho!

Has she ever had access to your phone for a few minutes?

Because it is possible to set up tracking on a phone without requiring any app on the phone and therefore I don't think you'd be able to turn it off with privacy settings. You said she sent you a share location message...is it possible she's got your phone at some point and replied with share?

This blog post sounds like it might be what's happened if she's had access to your unlocked phone www.badscience.net/2006/02/how-i-stalked-my-girlfriend/

Seems there was a website for tracking phones and it sent a text to confirm before the tracking is set up. The post is from 2006, so no idea whether this still exists but if it does it might explain why she seems to know where you are and it might be best to change your phone.

I totally agree with those saying not to confront her. She's not well. From my experiences it's best to ignore. It's your attention she's after, if she doesn't get it she'll eventually move on.

I don't think you should talk to her about it.

I think you just need to cut her out. What she wants is your attention, and each time you don't reply to a text and she ramps it up by following you she is getting what she wants. It might be difficult to not answer a call or chat in the street, but when she realises that you're done she'll leave you alone. Block her now, no explanations and if you bump into her be in a hurry on your way somewhere as a previous poster said.

I think if you block you run the risk of utter chaos raining down. She is clearly not healthy mentally.

I would leave texts and when she cries 'oh what have i done to upset you' come back with 'what do you mean?' And just throw it back to her each time. 'I dont undertstand, i have three kids, just moved and am going back to work soon, i dont answer these many texts/calls from even my husband in a day, i will text you back when i have time or something interesting to say - in the meantime hope all is well'.

If she turns up where you are again, just leave the vicinity and tell her if you wanted a meet up you would have contacted her and you are there for some 'me' time/a specific reason.

this is scary and i have had someone like this in my life before and they tried to wreck it, it was crazy and the worse time of my life all because i cut her off. I had many opportunity but dragged it out which makes it worse with these kind of people.
Distance yourself now and try to not encourage her, if she is lonely its not your problem.

over intense instantaneous 'friendships' do not work well -with either sex. Be safe op and your dc.. Get police advice as to how to handle this and take all precautions.

I would utterly hate this situation and really feel for you op.
I think ghosting was invented for people like this.

Er, not to be too paranoid but I would ask advice from the local police/social work anyway. (Try and get a hint as to whether she's got previous?!!) If she's actually potentially dangerous, they will hopefully warn you.

I'm concerned that any attempt to get rid of her might antagonise her.
Better safe than sorry.

She's clearly unwell. Keep yourself and dc's safe. I feel very uncomfortable reading this

One of the things that jumped out at me was her admitting/boasting of deliberately walking past your house and looking through your bedroom window. What did you say when she told you that? I know it's easy to say with hindsight, but it could have been a good cue to say something like "Woah, that's seriously weird, tell me you're not serious" as a bit of a warning to back off.

When your children start at their nursery, make it very clear to the nursery staff that under NO circumstances may this woman pick them up, even if she says you are in hospital etc etc. Maybe make sure that they have a list of who can pick your children up, i.e. you, your partner, maybe your parents/pil. And check the policy for you eldest child if they are in school/pre-school.

I know it's hard, especially if you feel sorry for her, but for the safety of your family you need to distance yourselves.

I had a friend like this on a very small scale to what you write..I tried the withdrawl...None of it worked..She would threatne to come to my house or phone the police to check on me...She found me on various online sites she knew I used and has to change my user name at these sites.

In the end I sent her a frank reason I did not want to speak to her..She didn't like it and makes the odd attempt to engage me every now and then but am relieved.

My advise would be let her text for the day then when it reaches point you have had enough..Say I am really busy right now..Exp with plans to return to work , don't really have time to catch up right now.

See if you get any progress .. The least contact the better...

wow very scary. she sounds very unwell but it's not your responsibility to be treated like this