Being stalked by nursery mum...

[MADEinLONDON]

Expecting a huge flaming here but I can't tell if I'm being over dramatic or if I'm being too laid back! Really not sure and I don't want to be nasty or dither any more than I already have. I also need some objective opinions as my friends and family are obviously all a bit biased!

Basically, I think I'm being stalked by the mother of one of my DD's playgroup friends...

My middle child DD (3yo) started at playgroup in January. She struggled to settle in at first but soon made some friends and one or two in particular she was quite fond of. I briefly met the mother of one of her friends at a speech therapy drop-in that we both attended in April on behalf of our DD's. We only spoke briefly but she (the mother!) seemed nice, if a bit stressed out with her 2 kids.

I then moved house (still locally but just had loads on) and barely saw this woman again until maybe late June? The kids playgroup was breaking up for the holidays in mid-July and so we said that because our DD's were such good friends, it would be nice to swap mobile numbers and then maybe meet up over the summer so they could playdate. I agreed and so swap numbers we did!

WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.

She started off sending me 4, maybe 5 texts a day - sometimes up to 12! They were VERY intense, lovely dovey sort of texts (where she would constantly compliment me despite not knowing me really). She was very kind and flattering but I felt a bit weird about it. She is also very down on herself in the texts and no amount of reassurance from me seems to satisfy her. She would also bombard me with texts about meeting up virtually every day. If I don't reply to her texts in a timely manor, then she rings me! I hope I don't come across as arrogant here, but I have 3 kids to deal with, have not long moved house (so have to sort out all the unpacking and decorating that goes hand in hand with that) and I'm also a carer for my ill mother-in-law at the moment. She is thankfully recovering just in time for me to go back to work next month (have been on maternity leave with my youngest son). So I have a lot on and whilst I'm always happy to make new friends, I just don't have enough hours in the day to be constantly meeting up or replying to this woman's texts. I of course am more than happy for our DD's to be friends (and they really do get along like the proverbial house on fire)!

One day, I was out with my sister and we did not stop all day! I was aware that I'd missed 2 texts from here at about mid-afternoon but just didn't have time to reply. I also missed a phone call. I got home about 8pm only to find something in the floor. It was a tesco's receipt which she'd written on and drop through the letterbox and it said the following:

"Hi MADE. I'm so sorry if I've done something to destroy our friendship. I Really hope we can still be friends and me and the girls miss you. X"

I shit you not.

I sometimes don't hear from my BEST friends for a fortnight and it would never occur to me that they were anything other than astonishingly busy! But one DAY of not replying to texts/a phone call and then this?! She had actually told her husband to give her kids dinner whilst she walked up to my house and attempted to catch me at home! When I was obviously out she dropped this in. OMG. It feels like the kind of note your mate sends you after a falling out in school when you're 12!!! I was very freaked out to say the least...

I'm now just going to list the rest of the weirdness, otherwise this will turn into war and peace...

1. the constant calls and texts and turning up unannounced when I'm not replying quickly enough. Also walking her dogs behind my house and looking through my bedroom window. (I haven't caught her doing this but she says she does it all the time).

2. the receipt (obvs)

3. adding me on Facebook and starting to make odd comments on my dad's wall about being "so glad he made me".

4. Upon finding out our DD's would be attending the same nursery come Sept just gone, she phoned the school up and DEMANDED the girls be placed in the same class on the same days/times.

5. I have now had to put DD (and soon my youngest DS) in a private nursery instead as I'm heading back to work soon and it's easier childcare-wise. When I told her that my DD wouldn't be going to the school nursery after all, she text me saying she couldn't stop crying and that "she didn't mean to make me feel guilty, but she couldn't bear to break the news to her DD as she would be devastated." (Still feel bad about the poor girls).

6. Almost turned down a day's paid work as she wanted to check if I was available that day for a play date first.

7. Giving my address, phone number and "financial situation" (wtf?!) out to a charity she supports without my consent. Cue junk mail/calls.

8. Sent me a "share location" text (it basically says "(insert name) would like to share location with you" and then gives you the option to press either 'share' or 'not now'. If you share then she can read your location and follow you via your phone wherever you go! (Apparently a little map pops up and your name initial trundles down the roads on the map that you are travelling on)! I never even knew you could do that and I obviously pressed the 'not now' option, but I think my phone bypassed it anyway, because...

9. ...she has showed up at THREE different places that I have been at within 10 minutes of me getting there!!! I have now had to switch off all privacy and location settings on my phone as I think she's been able to track me still somehow.

10. After managing to put her off for a record 2.5 weeks, I finally agreed to meet her in the park so the girls could play. She told me she "couldn't believe we were really here" and that she was so happy. Later in the conversation she admitted to me that she'd tricked her husband into getting her pregnant with her eldest DD by "spitting all her pills down the sink." My jaw is still on the floor with that one...

All in all, I think she's not too stable and even so, I'm not really sure I'd like to stay friends (I very rarely say that about anyone). I dread each text and if I don't reply then she ramps it up. I don't want to meet up with her anymore but feel bad for our DDs who are very sweet and such good friends. She scares me a lot though. She is very intense but also a bit of a drip at the same time. I don't mean to be nasty but I feel so "put off" by her neediness. I feel so sorry for her as I think she's lonely and I might be one of her only friends. But it feels she is trying to make me responsible for her happiness and I just can't do it. She either has serious boundary issues or is (as my friends and family suspect) rather manipulative. She can be very kind but everything has a some sort of intrusion attached to it.

For my part, I've tried to be friendly and I hope I haven't led her on! But this is impacting my life now to the point that I've told her my mobile phone is broken as I just don't want to deal with her all the time. I know I'm a wimp! Don't want to cause hurt feelings but how the hell do I extrcate myself from this mumsnetters? Also scared of her reaction and feel sorry for our DD's...

Aaaaaaaaargh!

OP, I think you should speak to the police for advice about this.

It wouldn't be like you're asking them to act right now, but it would get this all on record if things turn nasty, and you may get info if this lady has done anything previously. The fact that she's clearly tracking you, possibly by your phone, might actually mean this has already crossed the line as far as the law is concerned.

And advice from previous posters about ensuring this lady can't collect any of your DCs from their respective schools/nurseries regardless of "emergencies" seems very sensible.

I agree with Raspberry about informing the police.
If she does turn nasty at least they will have a record of what she is like.

Subtlety and reason won't work with this person. You need to cut all contact with her immediately. Block and delete her from all social media and change your phone number. Your DD is only 3 and will have no memory of this friend within a few weeks so don't use that as an excuse to let the stalking continue.

I think I would send her a clear message that stated I felt she was harassing me, I did not want any more contact and if she tried to continue to harass you it would be a police matter. Then block her from your phone/facebook etc and get it logged with your local police station everything you said in your op, as well as the message you've said calling it harassment.

Once it's logged, and it's clear you've indicated you are uncomfortable with her contact, it will be a lot easier for the police to step in if she does cross a line.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this op, I've had a stalker in the past and it's the most deeply upsetting experience I've ever had in life.

But the OP says she talked about other friends and noticed other mums at playground giving her wide berth. I took this to mean she's behaved that way with others, but when they cut her off, she finds another person to latch on to.

Going to the police when the OP hasn't actually even tried to distance herself or said outright leave me alone?!

I do not think that any confrontation would be successful but very firm boundaries. "I have so much going on in my life with dd and MIL that I am not able to entertain friendships at the moment. I need all energy that I have for my family. Any meetups wont be possible for the time being. Please do not be offended if I dont answer messages, calls etc as I just dont have the time.

I did this with a woman that ruined my maternity leave, she was very unwell (as was I, but with pnd) and it worked finally.
Send her a text/email to the effects of the above and then do not engage after that.

I wouldn't tell her the truth TBH, I would be scared to.

I would tell her (probably by text), that I am very busy for the foreseeable future with your very ill MIL and getting ready to go back to work, 'if I ever have any free time at all I will try to get in touch. Take care. Bye MadeinLondon.

I certainly wouldn't report to police yet.

Firstly blocking her is a must....she's posting weird shite on your DADS wall for goodness sake.

Just be a little blunt and direct. She will hopefully get the message.

The woman I mentioned up thread asked me to be her DS's godmother (and legal guardian in the event of her death, conveniently ignoring the existence of her ex-DH) after less than 2 months of acquaintance. He was already 8 at the time. I was shocked but declined politely, citing my many existing nonexistent godchildren.

I have a 'friend' like this. We went to school together and kept in touch afterwards until I moved away when we were about 27. We lost touch for a few years and then she discovered FB about 18 months ago.

She asked for my number so I sent my mobile number and the nightmare began. She was phoning and texting 12 or more times a day! I started a thread here and eventually sent a text asking her not to contact me anymore.

She apologized and promised to keep it to a weekly text...didn't happen. Very soon it ramped up so I blocked her number. She darted bombarding me with messages on FB asking for my landline as my mobile wasn't working. In the end I had to be very Blunt and told her she would by be getting my landline due to her previous behavior. She then ran a girl she and I knew at school to see if she had my number ! Thankfully she didn't pass it on.

I've had to block every form of communication. Now and again I get curious and lift the phone block to see how long it takes to hear from her. Normally less than 24 hours.

I haven't spoken to her or responded to any messages in over a year but she still persists .

What a difficult situation

The woman sounds quite ill. In your position I would tell my HV that I was concerned about this woman's MH and she could maybe do with some support from her own HV

How terrifying for you OP.

You must contact the police asap. She is not only stalking and harassing you but also your family.

Keep a diary and all text/voicemail messages.( Don't block her number just yet)

Agree with what others have said about her likely to have previous form for doing this.

Nip this in the bud right now before she turns really nasty.

Her next step could be to contact Social services, hoax emergency services calls to your house....

BTW don't feel guilty about having met up with her; she's manipulated you remember who is the victim here.

Do you have an I-phone? Could she be using the find my phone app to find yours? Not sure how you can block that as it is used if phone is lost or stolen you track your phone from someone else's device.

I don't think she has a mental health issue as such, but a personality disorder, tbh.

Where's the op gone?

Up until very recently I had a "friend" like this, though on a smaller scale. She would bombard with text messages and phone calls so I started answering only every fifth message. She was contacting me so much that my DP got very concerned and asked me to tell her to back off. I didn't want to be a bitch as I felt sorry for her (she'd just moved to the area and it sounded like she was going through a tough time) so it continued. I tried to distance myself but she turned up where I worked one day and hung around with her children. She also engineered a visit to my house one day and wouldn't leave or tell her children off as they broke my dds toys. I had to ask them to leave several times and they still didn't get the picture. In the end I opened the front door, put on my coat, got dd ready and we left the house. They had no choice but to leave with us too. Later on she followed me home.
She wasn't happy that I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted (even if I'd wanted to I didn't have time to reply to every message) so she started inventing disasters in order to get my sympathy such as miscarriages and cancer diagnoses. Every time I would stop what I was doing and focus on supporting her. Eventually it came out that she had invented them all. When confronted about it she would blame unreliable doctors or pretend she didn't understand.
In the end she backed off by accident - she told me she was planning to do something and I told her it wasn't a great idea as she could get herself into trouble for it. (It was basically a major social faux pas without going into too much detail). She went nuts and got really angry at me. I apologised and said I hadn't meant to upset her but she still raged on. I ignored her rant and haven't heard from her since that night. It's been about two months now so fingers crossed it sticks.
You can't really reason with these people so I would ignore her and if she questions then keep telling her that you can't talk right now as you are so busy. Eventually phase out all contact. If you have to confront her then do it in a public place. If she doesn't back off then contact the police. Also discretely speak to the other nursery parents and see what they say about her.
And yes to keeping your dd away from her - she may try to use her for information on you.

What? You are thinking of becoming unavailable? I'd try to cut all contact immediately and if she doesn't stop, call the police. I had a stalker once, every bit of contact made it worse.

I don't think she's mentally ill either. She clearly has some issues with appropriateness, boundaries and neediness, but those things do not equate a mental health problem.
A personality disorder perhaps.

Call the police to give them a heads up about what's going on and to advise you how best to handle her behaviour before she gets out of control.

I'm sorry but honestly, calling the police is just ludicrous advice. The OP has never told this woman to stop contacting her, so she has no proof the communications are unwanted. I know some people don't like confrontation, but you really do need to clearly state "do not contact me again - if you do I will consider it harassment." Before you report a "friend" to the police to calling you too much.

Maybe the stalker has finally got to the op.

not funny

I agree Horton. This woman has not been told no, so it's not a police matter.
I think people on this site sometimes dole out strong advice they were never ever in a million years follow themselves.

*would