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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 children in 3 bed house

152 replies

marzipancustard · 28/09/2015 14:51

I'm asking for other opinions as my sister is doing my head in! We're planning on having 2/3 children in the future & currently live in a 3 bed. My sister has a v large 4 bed detached and plans to have 2 little ones. She keeps telling me (in a very patronising way) that if we have 3 children we'll have to move to a 4 bed because it would be cruel to make 2 children share?

This is total BS, right? We shared a room growing up and I'm sure loads of kids do, don't they? Is it cruel making them share?

OP posts:
LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 28/09/2015 23:24

The main issue here though is that your sister should butt out Smile

MagickPants · 28/09/2015 23:50

I don't think a person should not have children because they don't have enough bedrooms, but when they get here, please please please try to flexible about what they need. One or some of them might need privacy. When / if this happens please consider:

partitioning rooms;
Creating private play / study space for individuals (converting a shed; "rights" to certain shared rooms at certain times; finding spaces in attics or under stairs for a desk-chair; curtains around beds 4 poster style; whatever you can think of)

I shared with my incredibly dominant sister while my dad had a study (as well as my parents sharing a bedroom) and my baby brother had a room to himself with a double bed. (the study was a box room that barely contained a desk and I would have killed to have it as a bedroom.) I know why my dad needed a study for his work at the time, but when I was struggling with my sister and there was no flexibility at all for me, it really hurt.

I was not allowed to have a lamp on to read (used to sit on the freezing landing with a book until shouted into bed - my sister used to need the light off at 8.30 pm at the age of 11). I was not allowed to have silence (radio on, prattle activated as soon as she appeared to beam her monologue at me) I was not allowed the window open (radiator up to max and full fug). I was not allowed my own socks and pants (I used to try to hoard my good ones and she would take them when she felt like it, when her own had stained soles or gone grey). I was not allowed the top three drawers of the 6 drawer chest but had to grovel in the bottom ones (even though she went in there whenever she wanted the socks that I had kept in good shape).

Every time I asked for something I was made out to be crazy and unreasonable. Looking back I do not think I was a nutter for wanting to have control over my underwear but the way I expressed it was always from such a point of desperation that I was written off and ignored.

I still struggle with many aspects of relationships and negotiation because I have basically been taught that I don't matter and my needs or preferences are not just unimportant, but actually slightly mad.

My sister is a special case and really does just dominate all spaces, all airwaves, that she is ever in. but please please please think about whether this is happening to your future children and be clever about how they each get what they need even if one of them is like my sister.

Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 00:18

We live in a 4 bed house with 3 kids. 2 share anyway and we save one room as a spare room. A 3 bed house with 3 kids is fine. Thinking long term and teenagers I would plan for a 4 bed house.

MummyPig24 · 29/09/2015 02:37

We have 3 children in a 2 bed. Sharing a room is not damaging to a child.

Baconyum · 29/09/2015 02:41

Ha! Not rtft but my mum was raised as one in a family of 8 in a 2.5 bed very small tenement flat in Glasgow! Not only were rooms shared so were beds! One small bathroom and tiny kitchen.

Dad was one in a family of 7 in a 2 bed his parents slept in the living room on a sofa bed.

I shared with sis till 14 because she refused to sleep alone!

Suggest you and sis both read the 'how wise I thought I was before I had kids' thread.

parrotsummer · 29/09/2015 06:47

I don't think harping back to years gone by is helpful in a modern context though.

I mean - the norm has changed significantly.

goblinhat · 29/09/2015 06:57

My father was one of 9 - lived in a 3 bedroomed house and hated it.

The kis would sleep with spare socks under their pillows. He wanted to try to get to college, but had no privacy or quiet time to study, younger kids would take his books, in the end he joined te Navy at 16 just so he could get away.

I had an experience similar to magickpants, my older sister was dominant, she would scare daylights out of me after lights out, telling me about te monsters waiting to kill me.
THe top drawer thing struck a cord. Sne had the top drawers, the top shelves of the bookcase, she only wanted her stuff on the dressing table.

I was afraid to tell our parents as she could easily make my life a lot worse.

My mother thought we loved sharing a room.

Onthepigsback · 29/09/2015 07:05

Parrot, I disagree. I think it dies us no harm to remember that just a short time ago people managed and lived often happily without their own room and private iPad etc. Especially considering how quick the Internet is to sneer and belittle people for not having/being/doing the modern norm. Times haven't changed so much that it would actually harm kids to share 3 in a room. I went to boarding school (12 yrs ago) and we had about 40 of us in a room, 6 to a tiny cubicle on small built in beds. It was great fun and we were happy.

parrotsummer · 29/09/2015 07:09

On any benefits thread if you point out the above you will get flamed.

Times have changed.

Until recently if you told a lone parent not only would they have accommodation but money as well they would think they'd rolled over and died. Now we just accept it as the norm.

Bit of a difference between boarding school and your own personal bedroom. Different again when there are bedrooms available and children choose to share. As with most things, the choice is nice to have.

Children are lovely and it's tempting to keep having more of them but I know I wouldn't have liked sharing as a child to be honest.

JeremyCorbynsStylist · 29/09/2015 07:11

Sharing a room is fine up until around 12, then children really do need their own space & privacy. So your sister is ( kind of ) right.

NationMcKinley · 29/09/2015 07:22

We have 3 DSs and a 3 bedroom house: all 3 boys are by choice, in the same room despite us initially putting DS1 in the smallest room by himself. He lasted about a week before he insisted on going back to his brothers. I think it's lovely. We're hoping to do an attic conversion or extend in the next couple of years to give us a 4th bedroom and another bathroom. Even when we do this it'll be up to the boys what they do Smile

Bythepath · 29/09/2015 07:24

We have 3 in a 2 bed house. It is all we can afford right now, and a lovely house in fab location, as they are the same sex and all 5 and under it works well at the moment. We plan to move/extend when the oldest is 8/9 but I imagine 2 will always share as we live in v expensive part of south east, we will do some sort of room division with wardrobes etc.

StompyFreckles · 29/09/2015 07:36

We have 3 children and until recently lived in a 3 bedroom house. Dd (10), ds (7) and dd (3) - the two dd's shared, which was ok, but not ideal as there is a big age gap and Ds had the box room. We have recently moved to a spacious 4 bed and life is much easier now everyone has their own room and we all have space! So, 3 bed is fine, but 4 is better obviously.

Grazia1984 · 29/09/2015 07:40

The past is relevant and those of us in the present with children who share rooms are actualy the norm not the exception.
Also in cities where rents and mortgages are high many many children share (unless they are supported by the state in which case they get subsidised by tax payers to ensure older children of the same sex don't share, by and large).

Sapele · 29/09/2015 08:00

Next door have one child and five bedrooms; we have three bedrooms and three children. It doesn't matter...in fact my eldest does need his own space but my middle one really prefers not to be alone. Hoping ds3 will graduate to ds2's bedroom instead of sleeping with me before too long.

We moved from a flat with two beds and that really did not work esp with toys etc.
I think you need space for toys to be played with, and homework to be done; other than that, as long as everyone is reasonably content, it's immaterial where they all sleep.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 29/09/2015 08:20

MagickPants that sounds awful Sad I can't help feeling that your sister would have been awful whether you were sharing or not though (bet a separate room wouldn't have stopped her barging in when she felt like it) It seems to me like your situation was a parenting (or lack of) issue more than anything.

Flowers
goblinhat · 29/09/2015 08:26

I can't help feeling that your sister would have been awful whether you were sharing or not

Perhaps but the opportunities for bullying would have been significantly reduced if they had their own rooms.

I was in a similar situation to magickpants and I know how insidious things can be.
I wouldn't even blame the parents- my mother thought we loved sharing a room.

I would have loved my own room as a safe refuge.

BoskyCat · 29/09/2015 09:14

I think the point is, yes people have shared for millennia, yes it's normal, yes it's a luxury to have your own room. But, there will always be some people for whom sharing is really hard, and there will always be some really difficult people who it's hard to share with. In the past, or in households where kids share, if that happens, well you just have to suffer. It doesn't mean it's OK to share just because it's common and many people have to. For some people, it will not be OK and will cause them real problems, as Magick has described.

I think as she says the key is flexibility and being sensitive to when you really need to find another solution if you can.

Long ago, there were still people who needed their own space or found company difficult – maybe some of them were the people who would now be diagnosed with ASD, or they were introverts. Some people became hermits or the wise woman who lived in a cottage in the woods.

You can't say everyone just has to be fine with sharing, just because it may be necessary. Some people will not be.

BringMeTea · 29/09/2015 09:15

My cousins were 9 in a very average sized 3 bed semi. Think they had a lot of bunk beds. All 9 turned out wonderfully. Mind you none of the 6 who had children had more than 2. No idea if they were put off.

Your sis sounds like a dick.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 29/09/2015 09:40

It'll be interesting when they're all in their twenties and trying to be as independent as they can, but you'll probably have gotten bored of all the squabbling over rooms as teenagers & extended by then anyway.....

StormyLlewelyn · 29/09/2015 09:52

Also in cities where rents and mortgages are high many many children share (unless they are supported by the state in which case they get subsidised by tax payers to ensure older children of the same sex don't share, by and large)

If you come down off your misinformed cloud of judgement, I think you'll find that social housing criteria states siblings can share rooms. Even older siblings can share and especially siblings of the same gender. You don't get handed a new council house simply because your children are in their teens and don't want to share a room.

Also many, many social housing tenants work, pay full council tax, and pay full rent. So "subsidised by the taxpayer" and "supported by the state" are inaccurate, sweeping generalisations.

superram · 29/09/2015 10:01

I have one of each, 5 bedrooms, they share!

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 29/09/2015 10:03

My mum had 2 in a 3 bed. Me and DTB. We had our own rooms but spent all our time at home together in each others rooms talking listening to music and would crash on each others floors Grin not for everyone but we are very close even now. I lived with him when I fled husband 1 and it was great. It can set you up as being very close. I suppose it could go the other way too....grandma was one of 13 and they were in a single end then a 3 bed flat! Her memories were blissful. Her parents adored each other ( hence so many kids ) and they were close. Many of the younger siblings cared for the older ones in their last years. They always had so it was normal for them. Sharing can be a blessing.

goblinhat · 29/09/2015 10:07

I have two kids ( 5 bedrooms).

THey almost never go into each other's rooms.

AftosPouEinaiDeMasHezeisRe · 29/09/2015 10:17

I have three children and a three bedroom home. Until recently, the youngest slept in my bedroom and the older two had their own rooms.

My older son kept asking if we could put his younger brother in his bedroom so that they could share. He asked for it himself. So we did, and they have been loving it ever since.