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Original poster

Child free wedding invite

227 replies

dotladotla · 26/09/2015 08:32

So...I'm 1 week away from my due date with my first child and we got a save the date in for my friends wedding in July. She messaged me and said she's having a child free wedding.
She was asking if we want to book accommodation at the venue because it will all be booked up soon. It's cottages that you book for two nights-the night before & night of the wedding. We live 4 hours drive from where the wedding is being held and, from what I can tell, the venue is pretty rural between cities so accommodation will be limited. I said no because I didn't think we'd be staying the night before because we'd have the baby and that I'm not sure at this point if we'll stay down the night of the wedding and I'll need to check about babysitting.
Is that bad of me? Right now it's really hard to imagine leaving the baby for two whole nights at 9 months and spending all that money. If the wedding was closer so we could get back easier if needed I think I'd be more at ease but I just feel weird at the thought of it! And in my head if we are going to use up babysitting credits (ha) then I'd rather have a relaxing romantic weekend just the two of us once we feel ready, not at a wedding. Am I being selfish? I just got the fear ?? she hasn't messaged back so don't know if she's annoyed at me. Is that bad of me? Am I being ridiculous?
I am trying to respect her child-free wedding decision but it just puts me in a bit of a situation. What if I'm still nursing then and can't express?
The baby isn't even here yet!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 29/09/2015 12:49

Well thats it really an invite is an invite not a summons if you can go then go

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2015 14:04

They will want to confirm people who will want the accommodation for 2 nights, rather than deal with folk who don't. She's probably under pressure from the venue as potentially her wedding deal is conditional on them taking all the accommodation for two nights. It's fairly normal particularly with small venues with self catering options.

Just make it clear - You don't have childcare available and you are comfortable financially committing to one night [and probably transferring the funds to her sooner rather than later] only but if she wants to give preference to people who will stay for two nights then so be it. State that you've been warned [but not by half of MN as she'll look for this thread] not to assume you will be able to easily leave a 9 mo if you are still feeding him/her. If there is no late availability [10-20% of wedding guests cancel on average] then you will either travel back the same night or look for a local B&B option.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2015 14:05

We have sent out Save the Date cards so that the core guest list gets a heads-up. That's the sole purpose of a save the date. It's very much NOT an invitation

This is weird. I would never send a Save the Date card to someone I didn't fully intend to invite.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 29/09/2015 14:10

I think what the poster meant is that it didn't require follow up action like an invite does, not that it wasn't a guarantee of an invite Tread. She said it was for the core guest list, so I don't think there was an implication they'd be bumped off!

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 29/09/2015 17:53

This thread has just reminded me of another thread (on t'internet, not MN) a long time ago, which concerned a couple with limited consideration for others.

The OP was anticipating her 20th/21st birthday later that year, which seems reasonable. But her older brother and his fiancée chose the OP's birthday for the wedding! The OP's mother was also angry, but that hadn't changed anything.

Lots of people said grow-up-it's-only-a-birthday, but I still find it incredibly selfish the pair chose that date. The OP was not going to get a choice not to go. Her entire birthday was going to be basically SIL-day.

Was the SIL-to-be trying to mark her territory like a tomcat, or what?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 17:57

That sounds similar to the thread on here ages ago which I read when I first joined, where the op and her dh had got married abroad and decided to have a wedding party back home six months later (like, who gives a shit six months later), but had chosen her sister's birthday as her party date, as if there was no other weekend available and couldn't understand why her sister was pissed off about it.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 29/09/2015 18:17

Oh, I remember that thread, Jeffrey!

I wonder whether either couple is still married now. I mean, if the delicate social dance of give-and-take called Thou-Shalt-Not-Schedule-Your-Wedding-On-A-Sister's-Birthday eludes you, I bet you'll be a pleasure to live with.

TendonQueen · 29/09/2015 19:00

I think I remember one where the wedding was child free, but also fell on the OP's child's birthday and the couple couldn't understand that she might want to celebrate her child's birthday instead. People did say she could celebrate the birthday another day, and if she'd been happy with that then sure, but I didn't think it was on for bride and groom to get arsy over it.

I also think I remember a thread where someone received a Save the date card, but then as time went on no invite arrived. Turns out the couple cut their numbers for budget reasons after sending the cards and in the end not all card recipients actually got invited. Not saying that's the norm with save the date cards, but...

BasinHaircut · 29/09/2015 19:13

Seeing as we are mentioning mad wedding threads, gluezilla anyone?

'You aren't invited but could you help me with the arrangements please'. Classic

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 19:16

That would be TidyDancer's wedding classic thread. Where her invite never appeared but was asked to decorate the venue!

clam · 29/09/2015 19:26

" but had chosen her sister's birthday as her party date, as if there was no other weekend available and couldn't understand why her sister was pissed off about it."

I don't remember that thread, but fail to see the issue. I wouldn't have the remotest issue with attending a wedding that happened to be on my birthday. Are some people really that precious?

LieselVonTwat · 29/09/2015 19:40

For a 21st, yes I think quite a lot of people would be unhappy about that. For a 37th or whatever, not so much, and that's the sort of thing that really would qualify as precious.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 19:47

But the sister had plans for her birthday. And why shouldn't she want to celebrate it? The party was six months later, why would you go and choose that date?

clam · 29/09/2015 19:48

Was it a 21st? Didn't read it, but even so, nope, don't think I'd be fussed. It's a number after all.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 29/09/2015 19:51

Reframe it, Clam. Would you choose to hold a wedding on your sister's birthday?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 19:51

Fine if you don't want to celebrate your birthday, it doesn't mean others shouldn't.

LieselVonTwat · 29/09/2015 19:53

Yeah, the fact that it was the wedding party months after the actual wedding itself made it a total piss take. I can understand that sometimes people might need to get married to have the legalities in place very quickly, like maybe if you wanted to be married before giving birth so the dad would have PR or whatever. Or before starting a job so a spouse could be on a pension. And that might mean you'd have to take whatever date and time were available. For a party held a number of months after, that the couple had a choice about, it's just impressively inconsiderate and self-centred.

LieselVonTwat · 29/09/2015 19:55

It wasn't even a wedding dejah, it was a post-wedding party months later! I can understand why clam, initially reading it as a wedding and assuming it was just a random birthday, would consider objections to be precious. When all the other pertinent information is added though, it gets rather harder to justify.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 19:56

And why would anyone care six months later? The whole thing was just bizarre.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 29/09/2015 20:01

It was weird, alright.

For my part, I would cheerfully attend a distant relative or similar's wedding on my birthday, because I would have no expectation that they remember my birthday. If my brother or sister arranged such a thing, I would be a tad less sanguine.

clam · 29/09/2015 20:14

Total piss take? Really? Why?

"When all the other pertinent information is added though, it gets rather harder to justify." What other pertinent information? I don't see that it being six months after the date as making much difference. There might be all sorts of perfectly valid reasons for that particular date being chosen.

"Reframe it, Clam. Would you choose to hold a wedding on your sister's birthday?"
Might do. If that was the only viable date, I'd ask her if it was an issue and she'd almost certainly say, "Great, go ahead." And celebrate her day either before or after.

Am almost wishing I'd been on that thread in the first place. Grin Sounds like a corker.

TheIncomparableDejahThoris · 29/09/2015 20:17

If that was the only viable date, I'd ask her if it was an issue and she'd almost certainly say, "Great, go ahead." And celebrate her day either before or after.

See, you'd ask! Because it would be unreasonable not to!

clam · 29/09/2015 20:20

So, was this other thread about the fact that the bride picked the birthday date, or because she didn't ask for permission first?

clam · 29/09/2015 20:27

I mean, what on earth do people do on their birthday? For us, we have a family present opening all together in our bed (as in dh and me and the dcs), a special breakfast maybe, and then we all go about our day as usual. Depending on the day of the week, we might go out for dinner later maybe.

I think to go to dress up and go to a nice venue for a big party, albeit for someone else, drink champagne, chat to old friends and family and do some dancing would be quite a nice way to spend the day. Are people really so "me, me, me" that to do that would be out of the question?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 20:31

As far as I remember, the sister already had plans to go out in the evening with friends. And why the hell shouldn't she?

Six months after the date does make a difference, no one cares by then.