Child free wedding invite

[dotladotla]

So...I'm 1 week away from my due date with my first child and we got a save the date in for my friends wedding in July. She messaged me and said she's having a child free wedding.
She was asking if we want to book accommodation at the venue because it will all be booked up soon. It's cottages that you book for two nights-the night before & night of the wedding. We live 4 hours drive from where the wedding is being held and, from what I can tell, the venue is pretty rural between cities so accommodation will be limited. I said no because I didn't think we'd be staying the night before because we'd have the baby and that I'm not sure at this point if we'll stay down the night of the wedding and I'll need to check about babysitting.
Is that bad of me? Right now it's really hard to imagine leaving the baby for two whole nights at 9 months and spending all that money. If the wedding was closer so we could get back easier if needed I think I'd be more at ease but I just feel weird at the thought of it! And in my head if we are going to use up babysitting credits (ha) then I'd rather have a relaxing romantic weekend just the two of us once we feel ready, not at a wedding. Am I being selfish? I just got the fear ?? she hasn't messaged back so don't know if she's annoyed at me. Is that bad of me? Am I being ridiculous?
I am trying to respect her child-free wedding decision but it just puts me in a bit of a situation. What if I'm still nursing then and can't express?
The baby isn't even here yet!

Y'see Primal, I do give a shit about this stuff. I think it's really important, that we are all connected and to have a healthy society we all need to work at it a bit.

Oh dear, Boffin, you probably lived in my old community. The type of person who jumps to the window every time they hear a siren to check what's going on, or is the the first to notice Mrs Jones down the road hasn't moved her car for a week. All in the interest of the community of course.

The truth is, weddings are about the two people getting blissfully legally contracted - most people outside their main family/frienship group really don't give more of a fig than a "well done, is it a free bar?". Yes it was different in the days of small communities and church goers, but this isn't always 'the norm' these days. A wedding can be as big or small as the couple getting married chooses, they can exclude everyone if they please and say their vows alone. The 'after bit' is just a party, and in any other circumstance adults wouldn't really expect kids to be at a party that goes on late into the night with booze in easy access. So, why are wedding parties any different? Kids really really don't care about the ceremony bit (boring, lovey dovey stuff that can go on for an age, or being so young you have no vocal control and shout/cry over the whole thing), and the after bit can be an over-excitement, over tiredness, boredom. Even the most well behaved child would get fed up eventually - it's not a kids party after all, and they should not be especially provided for, that's your job as their parent. If it's too out of your way or a faff to deal with, don't go with grace. Not throw a strop your little darlings won't get to be part of the stress of getting there and back.

That's the issue in society, some people thing that their life choices are ones to be celebrated throughout the wider community, but no one cares you're getting married, or had a baby beyond general politeness. Anyone who thinks it is a time for the world to stop and celebrate these types of things really need to get over themselves.

I think it's really important, that we are all connected and to have a healthy society we all need to work at it a bit.

So how does deleting people from your contacts book the minute they fail to meet one of your requirements tie in with this "healthy society" dictatorship?

If you're going to be weird, fine - but try to be consistent & weird please....

(keep going though, you're going to win me a cookie on Monday at this rate).....

You should check "child free" means no babes in arms, many people accept a bf baby at their wedding.

I love it when childfree wedding couples go bonkers two years after when they are invited to a wedding excluding their PFB, I would personally never remind them, oh no not me .

I think it is about different expectations of weddings. The social etiquette perhaps has altered over the years and therefore feels very wrong to some. Nowadays it seems weddings are quite different to those years ago therefore expectations have altered. I can see why childfree might be a good thing at a three day fest, although I still can't imagine wanting to go to a three day thing with or without the kids.

Y'see Primal, I do give a shit about this stuff. I think it's really important, that we are all connected and to have a healthy society we all need to work at it a bit.

You don't need to be married to be part of a healthy society.

Being married years ago was seen as buying into society. It was encouraged by the government no less. My DD's are always amazed when I tell them just how living together was just not acceptable. (And "having" to get married was quite a thing) I don't think it's seen as anything to do with society anymore.

Y'see, the thing with what Boffin has said is this. I'm getting married in 3 months (I'm not!) and I'm not inviting anyone over the age of 70 because they take too long eating their food, don't like the loud music and walk too slowly holding everyone else up. They're lovely and all that and I have 12 over 70s amongst my family and friends who will be upset if they aren't invited but hey, my wedding my choice.

Now of course this is ridiculous and you can invite whoever the hell you want to your wedding. But I have real problems with lumping a whole section of the human race in together and writing them off. Some kids are little buggers, mine included at times. Others aren't. Yet it's ok to say what you like about them because they're only kids. Doesn't work at the other end of the scale does it? Wonder why that is...

And yes I realise I've gone off on a tangent! Sorry OP!

OP?

senaca i knew it was going to be the 'OAPs in a room watching a video' thread even before i clicked on it.

L'dMAO at that.

2 years ago though?!

Stupid comparison Shelagh the bride/groom may have grandparents, elderly friends of their parents, elderly neighbours etc they would like at their wedding because they are fond of them and they have been a big part of their lives over the years.

I doubt you could say the same about brides lovely friend at work whose 6, 4, and 2 year olds they've met a couple of times and haven't had a lot of input into their lives, or maybe any conversation with at all, but would like their parents at the wedding.

Possibly not. But the attitude is everywhere (and I appreciate this thread is about weddings). On planes, in supermarkets, in restaurants. No one has ever been able to explain why it's acceptable to not want to be in a supermarket with children who may or may not throw a tantrum etc but unacceptable to not to want to be in that same supermarket behind an 80 year old who may or may not take half an hour to pay at the till.

It's about seeing people's age and nothing else and it's acceptable for the under 16s but wow betide anyone who mentions anyone older's age on here in a less than pleasant post.

I'm playing devils advocate btw. I'm not really bothered who I'm sitting next to on a plane. People are people regardless of age or ability. But most it seems don't see it like that.

How many people expect their elderly relations invited to someone's wedding just because they are going? Because that's what soem parents do, expect an invite for DC because they have one. I don't expect my grandparents automatically to get invited to friends weddings just because we share DNA. If you were related to the B&G you might hope that they would be if they were invited too, but the comparison of excluding OAPs doesn't work.

Plus a lot of 'child free weddings' I've been too have had a child at it- directly related to B&G, just not every persons kids. That seems more popular then the strict childfree weddings yet gets lumped into the same description rather then 'my kids just aren't invited'. I'm going to one next year that some friends are bitching is childfree. It's in the tiniest venue, very local and there are three babies going- all related to family members. But the B&G aren't inviting the 20+ that would be dragged along with friends and colleagues.

My friend has 4 children, she's a work mate but I'm close to her. I don't know her DH but I'd invite him so she and any others from work have a plus 1. I wouldn't invite the DC because they aren't a part of my life, I'm not close to them and I'm not paying for 4 extra people who are taking the place of 4 friends. They aren't a part of my community.

I don't get why people moan so much over weddings or parties or anything that goes childfree or has requests they don't like. I just would bother going if it didn't suit me, I wouldn't moan over it. If the B&G started bitching then I'd say back to them, but they may happily accept or may chose to make a concession (like some do for babes in arms).

wouldn't bother going*

Getting back to the point of the OP - I would definitely say put the decision off till later. 9 month olds can all vary hugely.

When mine was 9 months I was away for 48 hours and she stayed at home with her Dad. She has always happily taken expressed milk from a bottle so no issues over the weekend - we started expressing and a bottle at night so I could go out a couple of nights a week to keep up prior commitments I wanted to continue.

She is also BLW and food has replaced milk in quite a big way - she eats - a LOT! Have had to reduce her milk as she was gaining weight very quickly due to the amount she was eating!

All babies and parents are different. Wait and see is the best option - maybe look to see if there is a travelodge type hotel nearby you can book now with a flexible rate.

I agree with boffin and don't agree with child free weddings. It's only in England and Denmark that we have experienced our kids being excluded. Here in the US and Canada not one wedding has excluded the DC.

I think it's a great learning experience for the kids and we have used weddings to help explain relationships. It's also a fab opportunity to expose your DC to a more formal event.

DD and DS are 4 and 2. We excuse ourselves after dinner and settle the kids. We always book a hotel room locally if not very close to home and ask the hotel for help getting a babysitter. Most often they have an employee who is willing to do it.

My brother is getting married and their wedding will be child free because that is the wish of the brides father. He doesn't think they (them or the bride or groom) should pay for children to attend. It has caused huge amounts of friction as my father will have paid for 90% of their wedding. The odious man has demanded my kids not attend the ceremony as apparently my kids are too loud.

The most recent one of these I got was located in the middle of nowhere, nigh on impossible to find a local B and B or hotel anywhere near, no handy taxis or buses or anything like that.

Then the invitation said "As we all know, children can be very noisy so please no under-16s at the church".

So basically the bride was saying that in a church (a public place) she had decided no kids were allowed purely on grounds of age. Nothing about 'please take them out if they start to make a noise' or 'please show your discretion' - just an out and out ban. Including for us, when one of our children was a chorist at the time and would no sooner made a noise in church than danced the conga naked in assembly at school. But if they had remembered that fact, they dismissed it. Then what they thought we would do with three children in the middle of nowhere while we were in the child-free church, I had absolutely no idea. I don't think it had crossed their minds at all this might be an issue. Which said a lot about bridezilla and the way the relationship was heading.

Ironically the kids were all invited to the reception, which was a lavish money-no-object job. And for the record, this was DH's best friend since school so you would think a bit of communication might be in order given the closeness of the relationship. It would have been easy for them to ring up and have a chat about it, and come to some sort of arrangement about how we might be able to mutually organise ourselves, but instead we got the stupid comment about under-16s.

Which is why I got the hump, sent DH on his own while I stayed home with the kids, and ultimately decided this woman was not worth making an effort with any longer.

TBH, if you can't understand why they don't want the ceremony interrupted, but don't mind if the reception is rowdy, they're much better off without you...

You sound like a total PITA and very self centred....

Some kids are little buggers, mine included at times. Others aren't. Yet it's ok to say what you like about them because they're only kids. Doesn't work at the other end of the scale does it? Wonder why that is...

Generally speaking, adults know the "rules", whereas kids don't.

Some parents (like some of you lot) would look at your misbehaving kids, smile & say "aaah, but what can you do" and that behaviour is why all kids get banned - the parents fault, not the kids.

And yes, if I had a relative that was likely to be disruptive or a PITA then they wouldn't get an invite - it happens all the time FGS!!! It's only when people's preshuses are involved that they get uppity....

Anyway, as I got married a long time ago and only have my kids weddings to worry about I shall leave you all to your frothing!

Suffice it to say though - if I do have any sort of event that requires a bit of decorum in the future - kids will not be invited & anyone that has a problem with that is very welcome to steer clear!!

I'm American and the vast majority of weddings I have attended in my life have been full of children. The last one I attended even had several special kids' dances. When my daughter got married, we seated all the children together at the reception, hired a couple of babysitters, and had special activities planned for them.

But the few times we were invited to a wedding and our children weren't we did not have an issue with it. We either hired a babysitter or didn't go.

I don't think you can actually stipulate "no under-16s in church", it is an open and public building and the ceremony can be attended by anyone who wishes. Reception is another thing.

When people make child free weddings they do it knowing that there's a chance some of their guests will be unable to make it.

Honestly, even if a wedding wasn't child free I'd likely be making babysitting arrangements if I could. Weddings are long and mommy likes to drink, watching my loin spawn the entire time would take away from the ceremony and ruin some of the adult fun of socializing, catching up, and generally relaxing.

The only time I had a problem with a child free wedding was when a friend of mine wanted a bridesmaid's daughter to be part of the wedding as the flower girl, but then wanted to send her straight home afterwards. Friend with child took her to the reception and fed her where she got dirty looks. I have to agree with my friend who had a child on this one. If she's going to spend the money on the dress, make sure her child is there for rehearsal and practice, the least she could do is understand that children are not decorations and feed the poor kid before having the mother go out of her way to return her home and return to the reception.

a friend of mine wanted a bridesmaid's daughter to be part of the wedding as the flower girl, but then wanted to send her straight home afterwards.

Now that really is beyond the pale!

a friend of mine wanted a bridesmaid's daughter to be part of the wedding as the flower girl, but then wanted to send her straight home afterwards.

seneca those are the sort of weddings I've been to. I can understand people not wanting to pay for friends children though for the reception. difficult if it's your family though.

I do find it a bit odd however demanding perfection on the wedding day, it's a nice day, but it's only one day. I was more interested in the marriage not the wedding really, so I suppose that's why I didn't mind it raining, or children being noisy etc etc.