Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Child free wedding invite

227 replies

dotladotla · 26/09/2015 08:32

So...I'm 1 week away from my due date with my first child and we got a save the date in for my friends wedding in July. She messaged me and said she's having a child free wedding.
She was asking if we want to book accommodation at the venue because it will all be booked up soon. It's cottages that you book for two nights-the night before & night of the wedding. We live 4 hours drive from where the wedding is being held and, from what I can tell, the venue is pretty rural between cities so accommodation will be limited. I said no because I didn't think we'd be staying the night before because we'd have the baby and that I'm not sure at this point if we'll stay down the night of the wedding and I'll need to check about babysitting.
Is that bad of me? Right now it's really hard to imagine leaving the baby for two whole nights at 9 months and spending all that money. If the wedding was closer so we could get back easier if needed I think I'd be more at ease but I just feel weird at the thought of it! And in my head if we are going to use up babysitting credits (ha) then I'd rather have a relaxing romantic weekend just the two of us once we feel ready, not at a wedding. Am I being selfish? I just got the fear ?? she hasn't messaged back so don't know if she's annoyed at me. Is that bad of me? Am I being ridiculous?
I am trying to respect her child-free wedding decision but it just puts me in a bit of a situation. What if I'm still nursing then and can't express?
The baby isn't even here yet!

OP posts:

TamaraLamara · 26/09/2015 16:36

I think everyone makes those sort of decisions, to move away from friends who no longer moving in the same direction, perhaps it sounds harsh striking them from the contacts book

Not so much harsh as downright petulant and spiteful.

Growing apart when it becomes apparent that you're in different places in your life is natural, it's hsppened to us all. Deliberately refusing future contact because they haven't factored your viewpoint into their wedding plans does not suggest a very healthy approach to friendship or a generally tolerant outlook on life, 'educationalist' or not.

kali110 · 26/09/2015 16:37

Boffin decide on day!
People can have childfree weddings ( which means no childrenno matter the age) nothing wrong wrong with that. Some may not be able to go, sure the couple would understand though.
It Is not immoral.
People who drop friends who have childfree weddings i think the friends are the lucky ones.

kali110 · 26/09/2015 16:39

Sorry, not boffin, op decide on the day

Headofthehive55 · 26/09/2015 16:43

childfree weddings didn't seem to be a thing years ago when I was getting married (never been to one) so I guess that it's a bit of a generation gap thing. A greater proportion got married in church, thus expected the congregation to sometimes turn up and you couldn't ask people to stay away from church - it has to be an open ceremony. It was really normal for lots of people to either go and watch the church bit or stand outside waiting for you to come out of the church even if they weren't invited to the ceremony. That the only bit of the day I am really interested in to be honest.

I suppose we were used to the knowledge that it wasn't in the brides remit to decide who was invited to the church.

Girlfriend36 · 26/09/2015 16:46

This thread is one of those weird alternate universe mumsnet ones

According to some on this thread then I should drop one of my best friends of 20 years because her and her husband wanted a child free wedding?

How ridiculous.

TamaraLamara · 26/09/2015 16:48

I suppose we were used to the knowledge that it wasn't in the brides remit to decide who was invited to the church

It isn't the bride's remit to decide who is invited to the church - wedding ceremonies are by law open to all.

It is the prerogative of the bride and groom to decide who to invite to the wedding breakfast/reception.

Bottlecap · 26/09/2015 16:50

I think everyone makes those sort of decisions, to move away from friends who no longer moving in the same direction, perhaps it sounds harsh striking them from the contacts book, but we do it perhaps without thinking consciously. When we move house, go to uni etc. I don't think it's over that one thing, they are within their rights to invite who they want but people do tend to gravitate to those people that are doing the same thing as themselves.

A child-free wedding isn't a valid reason to call time on a friendship. They just don't want kids at their wedding. It really is that simple.

Snossidge · 26/09/2015 16:56

OP, it's difficult because you won't know how you'll feel when the baby is 9 months. It would be perfectly reasonable not to go at all or not to stay overnight though.

With DS1 I'd have been happy to leave him with my mum overnight at 9 months. When DS3 was 9 months I'd leave the three of them for a week with anyone who'd have them

ScentedJasmine · 26/09/2015 16:59

As long as it is a child free wedding...
Like someone said earlier, pissing off when told child free then see 6 or 7 special chosen ones skidding about the dance floor....[babes in arms a diffrent matter I think].

MissFitt68 · 26/09/2015 17:00

What the hell is an 'educationalist'??

Headofthehive55 · 26/09/2015 17:05

Absolutely you can invite who you want to the wedding breakfast.

The friendship may survive, it depends on how the bride responds to the guest not attending. I just recognise that this is usually a symptom of life moving in different directions. Similarly, you wouldn't drop a friend because you are off to uni, but it's likely that will ultimately be a cause of your friendship waning.

WhoTheFIsJeff · 26/09/2015 17:09

Wonder where the OP has gone? I hope they haven't been scared off!

NationalTrustLadyGardens · 26/09/2015 17:13

I suspect educationalists are in the same bracket as management consultants. They come along for a few days, have a chat with a few people, then write a report stating the bleedin' obvious (only using plenty of big words) and then charge you an obscene amount of money for the privilege.

LieselVonTwat · 26/09/2015 17:14

Of course it's not bad of you and you're not being ridiculous OP. She has, as is her right, designed a rather guest-unfriendly wedding. Leaving aside the children issue for a moment, it's rural, in an area with limited accommodation, and what there is must be booked for two nights. Basically she's making it more expensive than it needs to be for everyone and more inconvenient than it needs to be for most people. And that's absolutely fine. They can get married on Mars with sticks up their arses and invite only people aged 17, 43 or 91 if they like. That's their right, and nobody else gets to impose their idea of what makes a good wedding on them. But the flipside to this is that the more expensive and lengthy you make a wedding, the more people are going to either choose to stay away or be forced to. Which is also fine: the bride and groom are absolutely entitled to decide that having the venue of their choice is more important to them than certain people attending, and the guests are entitled to put their own convenience and pocket first.

Anyway two nights is quite a long time away from a 9 month old, you may well be fine with it OP but there are certainly no guarantees. And even if you are, you've got things you'd rather spend your money on. This is all perfectly legitimate. Choices have consequences. Just use the baby as an excuse, say you'll have to pass because you're not going to be able to get childcare for two nights but you hope they have a brilliant time anyway.

CleverPlansAndSecretTricks · 26/09/2015 17:53

Boffin
I just read your comment and scrolled down to reply (so apologies if the conversation has moved on) but that is exactly what I think too! Marriage is you saying to your community "this is our relationship, please accept it respect it and support us in it."

I would never dare to air my views on friends and family who get married with only a handful of people invited.... usually because one of them isn't really sure they want to be married at all

MitzyLeFroof · 26/09/2015 18:02

You think a tiny wedding is an indication that the couple are don't really want to get married?

My but don't you sound like a pleasant person!

TamaraLamara · 26/09/2015 18:08

Not everybody feels the need to make a statement to the community about their relationship. There are many different views on what marriage is 'for', how it should be celebrated, and how the persons within that marriage should view the roles of themselves, their partner, their families and the wider community.

It's not for anyone one else to insist that only one 'type' of wedding meets with their approval and earns the right to continuance of a friendship. No reasonable or tolerant person would have such a narrow and inflexible perspective, would they?

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 20:33

Clever what a bizarre viewpoint you have.

Headofthehive55 · 26/09/2015 20:44

It's not that the wedding earns approval, only that you are possibly less likely to be involved if you can't get to the wedding. You might therefore choose not to take part in the hen do etc etc. Less involvement with the couple naturally pushes you apart. I don't think anyone would flounce off into the distance because your child has not been invited...but there are consequences ( as Lieselsaid) which may lead to a cooling off the friendship.

Ragwort · 26/09/2015 20:48

Why is it so hard for guests to just politely decline an invitation .

Are the hosts really that upset if a few people send their regrets, surely most people actually secretly hope that not everyone will accept the invitation?

Hero1callylost · 26/09/2015 20:48

Seneca that thread is brilliant! I reported it to ask for it to be moved to Classics!

ceres · 26/09/2015 20:53

Some extremely strange opinions on here, as usual on a wedding thread.

I'm Irish and generally weddings are child free apart from immediate family children who tend to be in the wedding party. I have never heard anyone complain about children not being invited. But then most weddings tend to involve copious amounts of alcohol and end late (we went to bed at 5am after our wedding). I have seen posts on here about big Irish weddings with scores of children....I have never been to a wedding like that. Well I have but it wasn't an Irish wedding and tbh was pretty hellish, more like a kids party.

We got married because we wanted to. We weren't saying anything to our community. We don't need 'support' in our marriage from anyone else and I couldn't care less what anyone thinks of our relationship much less whether they 'respect' it.

SenecaFalls · 26/09/2015 20:53

I know Hero. To me the funniest line of all is when the OP says about her mother: "Also she has seen the Lion King already."

BoffinMum · 26/09/2015 21:13

Thank you Clever. We may have unfashionable opinions but it takes all sorts to make a world.

BoffinMum · 26/09/2015 21:15

PS I would have more sympathy with child-free weddings if my experience was not exclusively that of couples putting them in the middle of nowhere with little in the way of accommodation, transport and babysitting opportunities nearby, and then the couple concerned expressing surprise and being more than a little put out that only about half the guests can manage to come along.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread