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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child free wedding invite

227 replies

dotladotla · 26/09/2015 08:32

So...I'm 1 week away from my due date with my first child and we got a save the date in for my friends wedding in July. She messaged me and said she's having a child free wedding.
She was asking if we want to book accommodation at the venue because it will all be booked up soon. It's cottages that you book for two nights-the night before & night of the wedding. We live 4 hours drive from where the wedding is being held and, from what I can tell, the venue is pretty rural between cities so accommodation will be limited. I said no because I didn't think we'd be staying the night before because we'd have the baby and that I'm not sure at this point if we'll stay down the night of the wedding and I'll need to check about babysitting.
Is that bad of me? Right now it's really hard to imagine leaving the baby for two whole nights at 9 months and spending all that money. If the wedding was closer so we could get back easier if needed I think I'd be more at ease but I just feel weird at the thought of it! And in my head if we are going to use up babysitting credits (ha) then I'd rather have a relaxing romantic weekend just the two of us once we feel ready, not at a wedding. Am I being selfish? I just got the fear ?? she hasn't messaged back so don't know if she's annoyed at me. Is that bad of me? Am I being ridiculous?
I am trying to respect her child-free wedding decision but it just puts me in a bit of a situation. What if I'm still nursing then and can't express?
The baby isn't even here yet!

OP posts:

superram · 26/09/2015 21:28

I had a child free wedding (none of our friends had kids anyway). I don't take my own kids to friends' weddings as we like a night off. I went to overnight weddings without my children both who were breastfed (not bottle refusers). See how you feel but don't commit now.

Notoedike · 26/09/2015 21:31

I got a save the date thing from an old friend she mentioned sorting out the kids - I assumed she meant getting suitable accommodation in the hotel, so I booked the flights, her meaning became clear when I got her formal invite a few months later. My whole family had flights and an hotel booking costing us $$$$ and only dh and I were invited. I was pissed off with the fuck up - hers and mine. Dh spent the day with the dcs while I went to the wedding. I don't give a shit whether someone has a childfree wedding, actually it's a good excuse to avoid a very expensive day, with crap food and mostly average entertainment. Unless you know a lot of people attending I'd say you have a great excuse to say no.

Notoedike · 26/09/2015 21:37

Dh and I got married with a stranger as a witness - 15 years on we are still in love and very committed to each other - we did not make a statement to anyone - just each other, getting married for us was intimate not public....there should be no "should" - get married whatever way suits or don"t!

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 26/09/2015 21:41

I wouldn't commit to it. If you can go, or want to go, as it gets closer you can find out if there are last minute options anywhere. I wouldn't spend all that money when you may well find you either can't or don't want to go - I couldn't have left mine for two nights until about two. Which isn't to say you won't, but that you don't know which you'll be.

derxa · 27/09/2015 05:38

With DS1 I'd have been happy to leave him with my mum overnight at 9 months. When DS3 was 9 months I'd leave the three of them for a week with anyone who'd have them

Neddyteddy · 27/09/2015 05:53

I breast fed and couldn't express. At 9 months all my babies weren't eating for calories, they were just tasting and getting a feel for the texture. They only started eating a little but more at 11 months

Neddyteddy · 27/09/2015 05:55

It's her choice to have a child free wedding and it's your choice whether to attend or not.

Hackedabove · 27/09/2015 06:09

I think the timing is very tricky for the OP and would plan to decline when proper invite comes. Could still be pregnant? Or just given birth.

I went to my brother's wedding with a 3 day old baby but wouldn't have done it for a friend. His invite said they couldn't accommodate children beyond those nursing, but had 4 nephews and nieces.

We always leave our boys at home if at all possible.

BasinHaircut · 27/09/2015 06:55

Penny your post basically describes both of my siblings weddings, where we were sort of obliged to take DS. But on both occasions we had him picked up before the evening do kicked off so we could enjoy ourselves.

Haven't even given a thought to taking him to any other weddings, even if he is invited!

OP, you might not be able to leave your DC at 9 months or you just might not want to. Both are ok but if your friend doesn't have kids yet she might not understand. If she is a nice, reasonable person though she should accept whatever you decide graciously and not let it ruin your friendship.

Just make sure you are honest with her when the actual invites come through so she knows you might pull out at the last minute or she can choose to give your place to someone else.

Hackedabove · 27/09/2015 07:16

Sorry, completely misread OP as wedding date one week from due date!

Hackedabove · 27/09/2015 07:19

First time we left DS1 overnight was for wedding, he was 10 months, not being breastfed by then. It as our choice to enjoy it without having to worry about him. Left with my parents who brought him the next day to a post wedding bbq.

If you don't want to leave the child don't go, it'll save you all money.

Hackedabove · 27/09/2015 07:23

DS2 went to his third wedding at 3months. Didn't stay for evening at that one. Second one was in Italy when he was 10 weeks, very close friends it wasn't much fun for me. Very lucky to be able to leave DS1 behind with parents again, really wouldn't have enjoyed entertaining a nearly 3YO throughout the three day extravaganza.

littledafty · 27/09/2015 07:42

When I got married my ds was 2 and we decided not to have children at our wedding, including ds. He came to the ceremony along with the other children who's parents had kicked up such a big fuss about bringing them.
One child in particular yelled throughout the vows so I struggled to hear what was being said to me. At no point did these numpty parents think, hmmm maybe we should remove yelling child. My bridesmaid said you could see my shoulders getting higher and higher with annoyance
Later at the child free reception my best friend over heard my MIL slagging me off saying ' no idea why dafty doesn't want children here, everyone loves children at weddings'
No they flaming don't!!
OP I think this is one that you'll just have to wait and see how you feel nearer the time.
I'm loving the new job title educationalist, could I call myself that because I help my kids with their homework?

BlinkAndMiss · 27/09/2015 07:58

I generally don't go to child free weddings which require an overnight stay, saying that we have one to attend on NYE which I'm debating going to but only because it's within reasonable driving distance for me to get home. My kids will be 3 and 6 months.

Of course people are entitled to invite whoever they want but if they put restrictions on the guests then they have to accept that some people will decline. This should not affect friendships, if the bride doesn't want children there then she has to respect that not all parents want to/are able to leave them with a babysitter, some people seem to get confused with not bringing children and making said children disappear for a few nights.

PrimalLass · 27/09/2015 10:16

Marriage is you saying to your community "this is our relationship, please accept it respect it and support us in it."

But that's assuming that anyone actually gives a shit they don't.

BoffinMum · 27/09/2015 11:44

Educationalist is a deliberately generic and vague title that says 'I am on an internet forum and don't want to out myself any more than I have done already'. But take it as read I do a smidgen more in the field than sit with my kids while they do their homework (in fact I hardly ever supervise their homework).

littledafty · 27/09/2015 11:57

ok then

BoffinMum · 27/09/2015 12:04

Y'see Primal, I do give a shit about this stuff. I think it's really important, that we are all connected and to have a healthy society we all need to work at it a bit.

Not forget the whole deal once the bridal magazines are in the recycling and the hangovers have receded.

MythicalKings · 27/09/2015 12:09

I think having more than 2 children is very antisocial but I wouldn't be silly enough to fall out with friends because of their choices.

soveryfunny · 27/09/2015 12:14

This thread is gold, Boffin is the gift that keeps on giving.

LieselVonTwat · 27/09/2015 12:19

PS I would have more sympathy with child-free weddings if my experience was not exclusively that of couples putting them in the middle of nowhere with little in the way of accommodation, transport and babysitting opportunities nearby

That's been my experience too boffinmum, although to be fair it's not a foible limited to those wanting childfree weddings. I've been to a few up the arse end of nowhere with dozens of kids present too.

Actually, I'm quite surprised the friends haven't had more of a roasting for choosing such a guest-unfriendly venue. That normally gets picked up on in these threads, but it seems to have gone unremarked amidst the childfree bunfight. I mean, it's evidently pretty remote, or there wouldn't be such a shortage of local accommodation that the bride would need to be telling people ten months in advance that it'll be booked up soon. There doesn't appear to be anything on offer for people not wanting to stay two nights. These factors combined suggest it'll be impossible to get to on public transport, meaning non-drivers may not be able to attend and people who'll have to drive the next day won't necessarily be able to let their hair down as they'd like. None of these things are helpful for guests. I know there's always the line that you don't have to go to a wedding if you don't want to, but realistically sometimes you do.

MitzyLeFroof · 27/09/2015 12:24

Forget bridezillas, they have nothing on crazy guestzillas.

whois · 27/09/2015 12:29

There is no way I would leave any of mine for two nights so that I could party. And my oldest is nearly 3. Politely decline.

Martyr alert! Martyr alert!

whois · 27/09/2015 12:32

One of my friends had their wedding in a 'guest unfriendly' spot.

They told everyone to book into one of three motorways m junction hotels about 45 mins away (also 10 mins from a train station with fast links to london) and laid on coaches for everyone from the hotels to the church, from the church to reception and then staggered departures back to the hotel at night. That's how to do it if you want to get married in the middle of nowhere :-)

Headofthehive55 · 27/09/2015 12:32

Weddings seem to just on keep getting bigger! What on earth do you do for three days at a wedding?

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