Child free wedding invite

[dotladotla]

So...I'm 1 week away from my due date with my first child and we got a save the date in for my friends wedding in July. She messaged me and said she's having a child free wedding.
She was asking if we want to book accommodation at the venue because it will all be booked up soon. It's cottages that you book for two nights-the night before & night of the wedding. We live 4 hours drive from where the wedding is being held and, from what I can tell, the venue is pretty rural between cities so accommodation will be limited. I said no because I didn't think we'd be staying the night before because we'd have the baby and that I'm not sure at this point if we'll stay down the night of the wedding and I'll need to check about babysitting.
Is that bad of me? Right now it's really hard to imagine leaving the baby for two whole nights at 9 months and spending all that money. If the wedding was closer so we could get back easier if needed I think I'd be more at ease but I just feel weird at the thought of it! And in my head if we are going to use up babysitting credits (ha) then I'd rather have a relaxing romantic weekend just the two of us once we feel ready, not at a wedding. Am I being selfish? I just got the fear ?? she hasn't messaged back so don't know if she's annoyed at me. Is that bad of me? Am I being ridiculous?
I am trying to respect her child-free wedding decision but it just puts me in a bit of a situation. What if I'm still nursing then and can't express?
The baby isn't even here yet!

All the posters enjoying themselves being rude to/about Boffin are missing the essence of what she's saying about the social contract. It's about reciprocity: you recognise and appreciate what's important in my life, and I'll do the same for you (this between people in a particular social circle). The problem with weddings like the one OP describes is that it's all one way traffic. People want folk to turn up at their weddings, stay two nights to make it feel like a big event, dress right etc, but the stuff that's important in their guests' lives gets disregarded. So couples book their weddings in expensive hotels far from anywhere, ignoring the fact that many of their guests are strapped for cash and don't have cars, for instance. Or they book it for a Wednesday because it's cheaper for them, ignoring the fact that many people will have to take at least a day off work and potentially lose money to attend. Or, as in this case, they make it child free, ignoring the fact that for quite a few people with young children, this causes a logistical problem and means they miss out on either the wedding or family time.

Now the 'it's a wedding not a summons' line is popular on here' and maybe if we all just saw it that way it'd be workable. But it rarely turns out that way. People get hurt feelings. And in my experience, couples who set conditions like this are very, very often the ones who are huffy at the very thought you might not get a babysitter and fly out to Madagascar for five days to attend their wedding without your kids. As I said, one way traffic.

I have been to many, many weddings and never considered them "social contracts". It's just a bloody wedding! I wonder how people do who consider them "social contracts" function during other social occasions where the entire event hasn't been catered to their needs.

Yeah, I do see where Boffin is coming from.

Weddings are joining of two families and children are part of that. I get it. I think most people on the thread understand that viewpoint.

She fails to understand that it isn't unreasonable to ask that children stay home so that it's quiet when you do the ceremony and you're not tripping over small children at the reception. There's really not much for them to do there, and bored children = mischievous children to put it lightly. It's an adult party, not a child party with balloons and games to keep them entertained.

Small children certainly didn't ruin or inconvenience my wedding or any wedding I've gone to, but if I had a family that didn't keep their sprogs under control, I could see why you wouldn't want them running amok on your special day.

Reni - you are right, you can't . I have bit of bugbear about church weddings actually. If you ask to be married in church you are asking to be part of that church community (unless you want to be so crass as to admit it's just a pretty building to you. In which case, find a stately home). Even if temporarily. In many congregations members of the parish will attend the service to wish you well. You don't get to say who is an appropriate guest there.

If you want to control the guests - civil service. Then meh, as long as you don't get pissed off if I don't have a babysitter and can't come, do what suits.

Also as to saying it's the cost of having DC at weddings, I think some people need to get over themselves and book a venue that fits their budget. My brother is getting married at a fancy place and the cost is eye watering. I got married and had a blessing in 2 locations and spent less than him. My wedding costs even when including flights and hotels that we paid for, were minimal compared to what my brother is spending.

They never should have booked the venue they went for as there are over 50 kids (ages 0-16) in my family right now. They could have easily booked the community hall and accommodated everyone. I think people get carried away with weddings and forget that it doesn't need to be perfect or fancy. It needs to be inclusive, thoughtful and a celebration of two people making a commitment to each other.

OP- I wouldn't book anything yet. See what your baby is like at 6 months! 3 months is plenty of notice.

I think people get carried away with weddings and forget that it doesn't need to be perfect or fancy. It needs to be inclusive, thoughtful and a celebration of two people making a commitment to each other.

So true. I just don't understand why so many people come on here and other forums and talk about how they can't invite DH's first cousins because the venue is too small. Figure out whom you want/need to invite, establish a budget, and choose a venue/wedding that fits.

TendonQueen

Are you saying that its ok to de-friend people because they don't invite your children to everything?

Want2bSupermum
"Also as to saying it's the cost of having DC at weddings, I think some people need to get over themselves and book a venue that fits their budget. My brother is getting married at a fancy place and the cost is eye watering."

Why would someone want people that they barely know at an event that they am paying for?
Why should someone alter their plans because it doesn't suit you?

Most people are accepting of the fact that some parents won't be able to make it because they are (for whatever reason) unable to sort childcare, maybe some parents should be more accepting that other people's lives don't revolve around them and their children.

Boney No, not necessarily. But what would make me do that would be the double standards/one way traffic scenario - in other words, they didn't want your kids at stuff but then moaned at or guilt tripped you if you decided as a consequence not to come. Hosts can set what conditions they like on an event, but to then get diva like about people not coming because of those conditions is out of order. And, as I said, this is IME what the condition-setters tend to be like, as well as just not thinking that their conditions cause difficulties for others. It's the ones who book expensive dos then throw a shit fit when folk can't afford to come that cause most of the trouble.

That was exactly my point, Tendon. It's a bit like on another thread where people were supporting someone whose entire friendship group bar two had apparently egged her on to have a 40th birthday party, and then a couple of days ahead, had all sent stupid texts crying off at the last minute with limp excuses. She was really upset and rightly so. Her friends had behaved very badly and treated her appallingly.

Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. Social engagements are supposed to be reciprocal. A lot of things in life work best if they are reciprocal. There are well-established rules that help the wheels roll smoothly in relation to such things. One of these is not accepting a better offer once you have accepted an invitation, and then making every effort to attend. Another is remembering that while you are entitled to organise your wedding day to suit yourself to a large degree, this shouldn't be at the expense of the sanity and well-being of your guests.

However increasingly we ignore many of our social rules - sometimes this can be useful, but sometimes it can be harmful. Starting to be very selective about who is and isn't allowed in church for weddings services is, I would argue, harmful, for example. It basically promotes intolerance of groups of the community, perhaps along with those pesky disabled people with their messy wheelchairs and potential calling out, and those annoying elderly relatives with the beginning of dementia who don't look quite stylish enough and who might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and so on and so on. It is not only ungracious to reject great swathes of the community like this, rejecting anyone who doesn't match up to your high standards is actually pretty toxic if it's allowed to flourish.

If people abandon thinking about others and get obsessed with 'their' day and what they want and making everyone else fit in with that, by hell or high water, there comes a point where it ceases to be a joyful thing and starts causing wider problems and anxiety. And that is a good reason for people to seek more in the way of compromise rather than simply be dismissive of the needs and situations of others.

Tendonqueen
Not everybody does that.

Boffinmum

Strangely enough, I had both wheelchair users and people with dementia at my child free wedding, the two are separate issues.

Just a point that has been posted on the thread many parents were more than happy to leave their children at home and have an adult night.

Any people that couldn't come we saw later, but strangely enough those that couldn't come were those that we always had to go to/do what they wanted because they had children.

The grandparents comparison is a very silly one. The vast majority of people don't have day to day caring responsibilities for theirs, whereas they normally do for their small children.

Boney, that works if you are near home but if a wedding is organised far away from where the majority of the guests live, and local accommodation is hard to find, it opens up a whole can of worms in terms of practicalities. Not everyone has relatives who can step in and help for overnights and if you don't think these details through it can make it impossible for some people to attend.

Boffin

Not everyone expects other people to drop everything for them, whether it be a wedding or otherwise.

Some people will be offended whatever you do.
as the saying goes

You can please all of people some of the time,
Some of the people all of the time.
But you can't please all of the people all of the time.

In the end a wedding or a party that is being laid on by some people will have rules, if you don't agree with them don't go, if you feel strongly enough to drop them because of that then who do you really hurt?

I agree boffin. I support someone when they need it and they then support me when I need it. Especially in families. You are right in that most social relationships need to be reciprocal or they fall down.

I think the difficulty is when it's a more distant friend. Her children may just not mean the same to the bride.

Guestzillas indeed.

boney I think my brother and his bride should have thought about their guest list and budget before picking a venue. As it stands only his niece and nephews are invited to the reception. They invited our cousins from places as far away as Canada and Australia. My cousins all have married and had kids, some as many as four! I think it's crazy to invite cousins from 3000+ miles away and tell them their kids are not welcome. They should have picked a venue that can hold enough people and told the FIL to back off.

Luckily I have the perfect excuse to decline attending. I'm going to be very pregnant and live 3000 miles away. I 'sadly' won't be able to fly. At least this way my kids will get to watch their uncle get married over Skype.

Gosh, I didn't mean to spark such a debate!
Mumsnet doesn't email when I get a thread reply (maybe I'm doing it wrong?!) so I'm just catching up on the replies now.

I know a few people mentioned that the baby might be OK to come because so young but the baby def isn't invited because I had messaged the bride upon getting the save the date & said that I was excited because it was the babas first wedding invite and she'd replied saying that the invite was just for me & the husband because they are going child free due to numbers. Tbh I wouldn't care if the child was older but I just feel bad that we might not be able to fully participate in the wedding weekend.

The reason I was worrying about it now is because she needs to know about the accommodation so she can offer it to others if not. I have declined the accommodation, saying that I didn't think we'd stay two nights & need to check if we'll stay the night of the wedding. I asked my parents about babysitting & it turns out that they have a wedding the same day so they won't be able to so that only really leaves the in-laws. I'm going to wait until nearer the time to decide but the likelihood is that we'll drive down in the morning & back after the first dance/meal or stay over if the in-laws are ok with the baby for the night. At least I can decide that later, I just felt a bit under pressure giving an answer on the accommodation now.

Still no reply from the bride so think I might have upset or annoyed her because she is usually a quick replier. From her messages, she had no clue that it would be a problem for anyone & thought it would be nice for parents to have a weekend away. I'm maybe the first one to have brought up the hurdles of the child-free wedding.
Thanks for all the replies anyway

boney another thing is that my brother is close with his cousins, their OHs and their DC. He used to nanny for my one cousin who has 4 kids and none of those kids are invited. I just think it's really odd.

It's also not that they can't afford it. My father is upset about it but doesn't want to cause a fuss so has been talking to me about his feelings. This is a £90k wedding so money is no object. The bride has decided to spend £15k on flowers FFS! I spent less than £15k on my wedding in the UK with 90 guests that included around 30 kids. I got married less than 10 years ago too so we are not comparing prices to 1980.

Boney i completely agree with you.
I wouldn't spend extra money inviting children of collegues etc if
That meant not being able to invite other friends or family?
I'm sure couples do pick budgets, it just doesn't have to include children they barely or don't even know.
This doesn't mean people are breaking social rules!
I would never expect to have kids invited to a wedding if they didn't know the b&g well.
I still wouldn't be upset if they did and didn't invite them, it's their wedding!
They invite people they want to share the day with.
If i couldn't make it as i couldn't get there, couldn't get a sitter i just wouldn't go.
I've turned an invite down before.
Amazingly there was no fuss.
I can also completely understand couples having a childfree wedding or ceremony!!
For everyone on here saying they would take their child/ren out if they were interupting it, others wouldn't.
It's not fun being the guest sat next to screaming, shouting children.
I wouldn't like my vows spoilt, i wouldn't find it funny.
I also wouldn't like some of my guests not being able to hear said vows.

dotladotla She may be trying to find a way around things but if you find out she has the hump or anything like that then tell her to bugger off.

They have every right to do what's best for them and have the wedding that they want, guests have no right to moan to them about it.

Equally:

Guests have right to do what's best for them and decline the invitation, they have no right to moan to them about it.

Ah, she's one of those who thinks this sort of arrangement is giving all the parents a nice weekend away they'll all be glad about? Have fun!

I do not mind childfree weddings in principle, but I do, very much, mind brides and grooms who are arsey about it and have made it as impractical to attend as possible.

Want a wedding in the remotest corner of Scotland you can find? Fine, but don't complain if I take a serious look at the arrangements and see I can't possibly do it. It is about social reciprocity. It isn't a matter of life and death for me to attend your wedding, so if you've made it so awkward and complex it means borrowing a in order to attend and still make it back before my children have forgotten what I look like, I, er, won't be.

So those who think it was wrong for me to have a child-free, very small wedding: I had very little money. I'd been made redundant when I had time off for my dad dying, my new business was just getting started and DH was on a low wage.

Was I not allowed to get married? On an absolute shoe string we still only had 15 guests and couldn't really afford that.

Maybe I should stay single in my penury?

Agree that if weddings are difficult/expensive to attend for any reason then people should be able to choose not to go without bride and groom getting arsey.

I love child free weddings! Ours was mostly child free. I think that very young children at least make weddings worse because parents are much less fun when they're around simply because they naturally spend their time looking after them.

I agree their are exceptions though - it's quite rude to have an overseas wedding and not invite children I think.

DS1 is getting married next year. We have sent out Save the Date cards so that the core guest list gets a heads-up. That's the sole purpose of a save the date. It's very much NOT an invitation and it's not a test to see who is going to commit. It certainly isn't intended to make guests spend money.

With this in mind, I would note the date, decline to book accomodation at this stage and then either accept or decline depending on circumstances when the actual invitation arrives - simples. If you can go, and want to go, you'll work it out, if you can't, you can't.