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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child free wedding invite

227 replies

dotladotla · 26/09/2015 08:32

So...I'm 1 week away from my due date with my first child and we got a save the date in for my friends wedding in July. She messaged me and said she's having a child free wedding.
She was asking if we want to book accommodation at the venue because it will all be booked up soon. It's cottages that you book for two nights-the night before & night of the wedding. We live 4 hours drive from where the wedding is being held and, from what I can tell, the venue is pretty rural between cities so accommodation will be limited. I said no because I didn't think we'd be staying the night before because we'd have the baby and that I'm not sure at this point if we'll stay down the night of the wedding and I'll need to check about babysitting.
Is that bad of me? Right now it's really hard to imagine leaving the baby for two whole nights at 9 months and spending all that money. If the wedding was closer so we could get back easier if needed I think I'd be more at ease but I just feel weird at the thought of it! And in my head if we are going to use up babysitting credits (ha) then I'd rather have a relaxing romantic weekend just the two of us once we feel ready, not at a wedding. Am I being selfish? I just got the fear ?? she hasn't messaged back so don't know if she's annoyed at me. Is that bad of me? Am I being ridiculous?
I am trying to respect her child-free wedding decision but it just puts me in a bit of a situation. What if I'm still nursing then and can't express?
The baby isn't even here yet!

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 26/09/2015 09:49

I don't go to child free weddings as I think it is immoral to ban particular age groups. But perhaps that's just me.

Thatrabbittrickedme · 26/09/2015 09:56

I would consider a BF baby under 1 a babe-in-arms therefore allowed at a child free wedding - have you checked this with the bride?

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 09:56

Too soon to worry about now.

Boffin immoral, really?

Oysterbabe · 26/09/2015 10:00

Immoral?!
It's not immoral to choose who you have at your own wedding which you are paying for.
One of DH friends has 7 kids, if we'd allowed kids we'd have had to cut back on actual friends that we wanted there. Weddings cost a fuck load of cash and decisions have to be made on the guest list.

HamaTime · 26/09/2015 10:00

Why would she be annoyed at you? She must know that having a child free wedding will mean that some people can't attend due to childcare reasons but it seems reasonable of her to give you the info about the accommodation.

Mrsjayy · 26/09/2015 10:11

Immoral is hugely dramatic dont you think? Including children can put £££s on a wedding and tbh its nice to have a day/night out without children

Notso · 26/09/2015 10:16

In my experience child free is no children at all.

It's hard to make plans for a child you haven't even met yet. Just tell her that. One of my oldest friends got married a day after DC4 was due so I had to tell her that we wouldn't be attending. As it was DC arrived a week early so we were able to get to the church.

TeamScoutRifle · 26/09/2015 10:25

So if you can have a child free wedding can you have an OAP free wedding too? That'll mean anyone over the age of say 70 is banned. It's the same thing surely.
I wouldn't go to a wedding where a particular age group is banned because that's ageism.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 26/09/2015 10:31

I wouldn't go to a wedding where a particular age group is banned because that's ageism

Didn't take long for one to come out of the woodwork!!, whoever was closest to 3 hours wins the prize....

ShowOfHands · 26/09/2015 10:32

It's not immoral.

It's a personal choice. Some people have weddings that are not suitable for children.

Does this immorality extend to all events? If invited to a dinner party at a friend's house, do you only go if you're allowed to bring all of the children and the host specifically caters for them? Going to see a band? Only go if they've put on entertainment for preschoolers too? Maybe a bouncy castle next to the mosh pit?

I wouldn't have a childfree wedding myself but I wouldn't go so far as to call them immoral.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 26/09/2015 10:32

as I think it is immoral to ban particular age groups. But perhaps that's just me.

Go on, I'd love to hear the reasoning behind this gem!!

pulls up chair & opens crisps

BoskyCat · 26/09/2015 10:33

If you can have accommodation at the venue, can you take the baby, leave baby in the room and just take turns attending the wedding? Or take a relative with you to babysit while you attend the wedding, and you'll be close at hand.

This may be what she means. If friends having child-free weddings had given us first dibs at accommodation at the venue, we could have gone, because we could have had the kids upstairs and just taken turns watching them.

Bottlecap · 26/09/2015 10:33

I don't go to child free weddings as I think it is immoral to ban particular age groups. But perhaps that's just me.

I think it's just you.

BoskyCat · 26/09/2015 10:35

Child free weddings are bloody annoying and difficult if you have kids, but I don't mind as long as the person doesn't give you a hard time if you have to decline. Or the other crime, saying it's a child-free wedding, you bust a gut to sort out childcare or to get back the same night etc., and lo and behold the place is full of the bride and groom's families' kids

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 26/09/2015 10:43

Oh Boffin, sod off. Hell is other people's children at times - it's a day for two people getting married the way they want, more than entitled to do it child free. Heck, I'd probably also ban the over 65s from mine as well - the older generation of my community only use weddings as an excuse to bitch and moan about both families, gossip about any bad things that have happened over the years, and makerude remarks about the dress however nice/traditional/non-offensive it is. Screw is, eloping is the only option these days...........

OP, this is a decision for closer to the time. I'm due in a week (!) and I cannot imagine where we'll 'be' as a family in 9 months, it's just too broad to think about. It's a child-free wedding, so that's already causing some issue (no one's 'fault', just the way it is). I think two nights is a bit much, I'm sure there's a compromise here somewhere, but I really wouldn't worry about it right now, more important things going on. It will be come quite clear what you can/cannot do when the date approaches, and it will work out how it's meant to in the end.

PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2015 10:44

I don't go to child free weddings as I think it is immoral to ban particular age groups. But perhaps that's just me.

The children have not been banned. They have not been invited. It is completely the bride and groom's perogative to invite whoever they want. If that doesn't include any kids that's totally fine with me. Immoral is a really odd choice of word to describe a child free wedding.

Starkswillriseagain · 26/09/2015 10:45

I think you are over thinking and analysing way too soon. You've text her, she hasn't replied. It could be she's annoyed and being stanky about it or it could be she hasn't seen it yet, she's busy or she's even talking with her Dfiance about what to do so you can attend. Until you get something rude back from her then take it as everything is fine- you're doing what's best for you and she's doing what's best for her.

A bride and Grooms wedding choice will always offend someone somewhere, always best for them to do what they want- they just have to bear in mind their guests will also do what's est for them.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 10:46

Team

No it isn't, don't be ridiculous.

OAP's at weddings tend to be related to the bride and groom. Guests don't expect to be able to bring their Nanna along, they do tend to expect to be able to bring their children.

I think child free weddings are fair enough and entirely understand the appeal of them.

BoffinMum · 26/09/2015 10:46

I knew that would press buttons.

My reasoning is this, and it particularly applies to church weddings, but also has relevance to civil ones I think.

Marriage is bigger than any individual. It about much more than the couple; it is a way of legalising a relationship and publicising it within wider society. In other words, you are saying "Community, we are here, we are together, and we now join you as a couple". That also means respecting the wider community and working to support it, while it in turn supports you.

Saying 25% of that community (children) are not welcome:

Is not in the spirit of the social contract.
Undermines the idea of marriage as being about a public recognition of your relationship.
Says to children they are not valued as community members and not worth inviting.
Places the emphasis on the party and style/design aspect, and not the social contract.

Therefore I think child-free weddings not only suck, but should be banned.
If you want a private party, by all means have one, and invite who you like, but actual weddings should be for the community.

Incidentally in the C of E weddings are public and technically speaking you can't ban anyone (they have to be able to get in to lodge an objection if necessary).

wasonthelist · 26/09/2015 10:47

Don't go. I wouldn't go to a child free wedding ever - everyone has a perfect right to exclude kids, and I've got a right not to go to their wedding :)

BoffinMum · 26/09/2015 10:50

In fact friends who have child-free weddings are immediately dropped from my contacts book. If they think an educationalist and mother of four is suddenly going to have a personality and lifestyle transplant on their behalf then clearly they have misunderstood the nature of the relationship. FWIW all these weddings are usually hours away from anywhere children can be usefully parked in a reasonable manner, which makes said 'friends' inconsiderate as well.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2015 10:51

Boffin that's a very nice outlook if you live in 1950.

But most people see marriage more for the legal contract it is these days.

PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2015 10:51

Where do you draw the line though boffin? I'm a Christian and we have a massive community of friends at church who we would have loved to have invited to the whole of our day but there wasn't a venue big enough and we'd have quadrupled the cost. Everyone was welcome to the ceremony-that was the important bit for us. But the rest was just a big party where we were the hosts so it was totally our decision who to invite and who to leave out. Lots of parents chose not to bring their kids because let's face it, a wedding ceremony can be pretty dull for them.

Mrsjayy · 26/09/2015 10:53

sigh ok then a wedding is a declaration of marraige its bugger all to do with community you can get married with 2 witnesses i guess thats immoral as well. You are a wee bit bonkers Boffin

SaucyJack · 26/09/2015 10:55

No, you're not being selfish.

Totally normal not to leave your baby for two nights to go to a wedding four hours.

Some babies won't be left with other people anyway. DD3 loathed all of humanity bar me and DP at that age- still does on a bad day.

Don't hand over any money until much nearer the time.

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