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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child free wedding invite

227 replies

dotladotla · 26/09/2015 08:32

So...I'm 1 week away from my due date with my first child and we got a save the date in for my friends wedding in July. She messaged me and said she's having a child free wedding.
She was asking if we want to book accommodation at the venue because it will all be booked up soon. It's cottages that you book for two nights-the night before & night of the wedding. We live 4 hours drive from where the wedding is being held and, from what I can tell, the venue is pretty rural between cities so accommodation will be limited. I said no because I didn't think we'd be staying the night before because we'd have the baby and that I'm not sure at this point if we'll stay down the night of the wedding and I'll need to check about babysitting.
Is that bad of me? Right now it's really hard to imagine leaving the baby for two whole nights at 9 months and spending all that money. If the wedding was closer so we could get back easier if needed I think I'd be more at ease but I just feel weird at the thought of it! And in my head if we are going to use up babysitting credits (ha) then I'd rather have a relaxing romantic weekend just the two of us once we feel ready, not at a wedding. Am I being selfish? I just got the fear ?? she hasn't messaged back so don't know if she's annoyed at me. Is that bad of me? Am I being ridiculous?
I am trying to respect her child-free wedding decision but it just puts me in a bit of a situation. What if I'm still nursing then and can't express?
The baby isn't even here yet!

OP posts:
IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 26/09/2015 10:55

Therefore I think child-free weddings not only suck, but should be banned.

Hahahahahahaaaa..

Another gem for work on Monday morning - keep 'em coming!!

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 26/09/2015 10:56

This just makes me want to get married again & ban kids just for shits & giggles!!!

KourtneyK · 26/09/2015 10:59

I love people like Boffin who think the whole world should revolve around children. It gives me something to giggle about with my normal, parent friends. Grin

Hulababy · 26/09/2015 11:01

If someone chooses a child free wedding then they HAVE to accept that some people may not be able to go or not want to go, or that it is just simply too much hassle. It's the same as if you choose to get married abroad or somewhere really expensive or remote. As a marrying couple you make that choice but must be prepared to face the inevitable consequences in good grace.

Yanbu to say that you cannot yet commit to booking or even going. If they need numbers now then decline either aspect or all.

I wouldn't have left my 9mo for two nights back then. My choice, my consequences. Likewise - the couple inviting is the same, their choice, their consequence.

ShowOfHands · 26/09/2015 11:02

Boffin, I only got married because of the legal contract actually. Your views on marriage are your own. You're making the classic mistake of thinking your opinion is fact. It's perfectly reasonable to want your own wedding to be inclusive in that particular way, perfectly reasonable to view your own marriage/wedding a certain way, but you absolutely cannot impose those preferences as fact or insist that we all think and act as you do.

You're also making sweeping judgements about people. Don't go to a wedding if it doesn't suit you. I perhaps wouldn't cast yourself as the lead in a moral crusade though.

PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2015 11:03

Just out of interest boffin, how would you police a ban on child free weddings?

And what about adults who aren't invited because the bride and groom don't want them to come - isn't that discrimination?

Jinglebells99 · 26/09/2015 11:03

I wouldn't go. No way would I leave a nine month baby for two nights. I didn't really have anyone to look after mine at that point. My mil did come look after them for a couple of nights when they were older. I suppose it depends on whether you have someone willing to babysit and whether you were happy to leave your baby, but I wouldn't.

louisejxxx · 26/09/2015 11:05

I think if under 1s were allowed she'd have messaged back saying so. I would just be honest and say that as baby is not here yet you have no idea what the dynamic will be by then - you may still be breastfeeding etc and that you don't even know if it's feasible to travel all that way away from baby.

ThursdayLastWeek · 26/09/2015 11:12

Cor when DS was 9months I would have been gagging for an excuse to go have fun with my friends at a wedding!

You can't possibly know what's going to happen OP, so that's what you should say to the B&G. It's a bit crazy of them to expect everyone to be in a position to book accomadation this early!

cremedecacao · 26/09/2015 11:20

Just wanted to say i sympathise- I am due in Feb and I'm a bridesmaid in Aug. DH is an usher. They are expecting us to leave our 6mo for the whole day and overnight too Sad. I have told them that I can't make plans to stay overnight yet and that I probably won't be staying if I can't bring my baby, as imo a whole day and overnight is too long to leave a (probably) bf baby.

Secondtimeround75 · 26/09/2015 11:23

I have in the past put my family out for others' celebrations . We were the first of our group to have kids.
Weekend weddings , weekends away for hen party's ,I didnt want to be a poor friend.
I kick myself now that I did as these same people wouldn't dream of putting themselves out.
They turned into ' those parents ' they often mocked before they had kids.

Please yourself op

If it were me I would decline the whole invite . No stress or expense to distract you in the coming months.

WhoTheFIsJeff · 26/09/2015 11:27

Boffin, I think you're forgetting that no one cares as much about your dc as you do. And a wedding really is just about the bride and groom.

lorelei9 · 26/09/2015 11:28

OP - I don't think you are being selfish

but I am wondering if you want to go at all. The reason I ask is that I'm someone who has attended weddings because it feels like you get so much grief if you don't but in future I'm just not going to unless it's one of the Very Very Close Friends.

so what I'm wondering is, is all the "wait and see" stuff irrelevant - if you aren't bothered about going anyway, you can say right off the bat, sorry but we can't make it, have a fabulous day etc.

derxa · 26/09/2015 11:37

You either want to go or not. If you've got reliable babysitters then go.
MN will always say 'Don't go.'

WhoTheFIsJeff · 26/09/2015 11:42

I don't think I said don't go. If you want to go and can arrange baby sitters and accommodation then go. If at the time you don't want to leave your baby then don't.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/09/2015 12:00

I'd be off like a shot, I love weddings. I love weddings with children there. I love no children weddings. I love to go and support my friends and family.

Feeling as you do I wouldn't book any accommodation, you'll just have to find some if you decide to go, and just make sure you reply either way by the rsvp date.

clam · 26/09/2015 12:20

"Boffin, I think you're forgetting that no one cares as much about your dc as you do. And a wedding really is just about the bride and groom."

And of course, few people care that much about the bride and groom's day apart from them. At least, when it all becomes a pain in the arse with colour themes for the guests, foot-stamping from the bride and bloody expectations about who comes when and where they stay.

Headofthehive55 · 26/09/2015 12:47

I wouldn't be interested in going to a wedding unless I could take my children along. I would just decline politely. We have precious little time as a family together so I would be loathe to donate some of that time for attending a wedding.

SoupDragon · 26/09/2015 12:52

Saying 25% of that community (children) are not welcome...

I excluded way more than 25% of the community because I only invited people I knew and liked. Is that also immoral?

SoupDragon · 26/09/2015 12:53

It's a wedding invitation not a summons. If you don't like the invitation, don't go.

TamaraLamara · 26/09/2015 12:58

Whether she's annoyed or not is irrelevant. She issued an invitation to attend her wedding without your child, as is her right. Your choice is to decline the invitation on account of your child, as is your right.

I didn't leave mine overnight until they were far older than 9 months as I didn't feel comfortable with it. Anyone else's issue with this was their own business.

TamaraLamara · 26/09/2015 13:06

I don't go to child free weddings as I think it is immoral to ban particular age groups. But perhaps that's just me

I'd guess that if its not just you, then you're certainly in a minority.

The bride and groom can invite, or not invite, whoever they like.

Weddings aren't exactly geared towards children anyway: sitting through the ceremony, hanging around while the photos are taken, sitting through the speeches, then watching a load of adults (most of whom they won't know) getting rat-arsed. Not exactly a child-friendly event.

TamaraLamara · 26/09/2015 13:11

In fact friends who have child-free weddings are immediately dropped from my contacts book. If they think an educationalist and mother of four is suddenly going to have a personality and lifestyle transplant on their behalf then clearly they have misunderstood the nature of the relationship. FWIW all these weddings are usually hours away from anywhere children can be usefully parked in a reasonable manner, which makes said 'friends' inconsiderate as well

This post is so many different kinds of amazing I don't know where to begin thanking you, Boffin Grin

Here, have a Star

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/09/2015 13:14

Boffin no wonder you and your 4 dc don't get invited to weddings - that's 5 or 6 places you are all taking up. Very expensive. I'm sure your friends will miss you like crazy after you've dropped them Wink. That'll learn them.

JawannaDrink · 26/09/2015 13:17

In fact friends who have child-free weddings are immediately dropped from my contacts book

For which I imagine they are incredibly thankful.

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