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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

254 replies

DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 20:43

One of my SILs got pregnant shortly before DD was born. As DD started growing out of things, we lent them to BIL and SIL for their baby (they live 300 miles away, as do the rest of that side of the family). We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it, but then another SIL got pregnant and the stuff got passed on with no mention to us to them. Then the first SIL got pregnant again, so they got passed back, and then the other one so they went back again. Then the last brother's girlfriend got pregnant so it all got passed on to them - again with no mention to us. So rather than being used for 1 more baby and returned they were used for 5 more in 2 years. We did ask for them back, but they were constantly in use. When we did eventually get things back, they hadn't been cleaned and some things had torn/ripped, which meant that I had to spend quite a long time fixing them before they got put away.

Got a text from SIL 1 last night asking if we still have some of the things. Yep, she's pregnant again. I'm sick of subsidising a family that only ever take from us. WIBU to tell them to fuck off and stick them on ebay?

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 18/01/2016 16:04

Get your dd a baby doll and set the hammock up in her room for the doll, it's in use and can't be lent out....

Headofthehive55 · 18/01/2016 16:13

You learn to say you've sold them or actively trying for the next one!

GruntledOne · 18/01/2016 16:14

Absolutely don't give them the hammock. If you don't want a row with your DH, hide it and tell him it's broken.

And if they're investing in new equipment for the new baby, ask to borrow it the second s/he grows out of it. And forget to give it back.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 16:15

You learn to say you've sold them or actively trying for the next one!

But I need DH to agree to say that too (and as I couldn't grow a baby in under 7 months, that's not a great excuse either!).

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 18/01/2016 16:19

Och I don't blame you for being pissed off

It's most high handed to pass on big items of kit as their own gift - they should have checked with you first.

"Oh sorry no, it's been sold/passed on/got rid of as it was so knackered after you and your brood trashed it, unspoken under the breath " Breezy and apologetic but no.

However it sounds like DH happy to lend it - at least 50% his choice, presumably?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 18/01/2016 16:21

But the hammock was ripped when you finally got it back?

I'd tell sil the hammock is ripped and unusable unless it is repaired. I would not say I repaired it, just point out it would cost x to repair, and that it would be better value to buy one new.

If I really wanted to put the cat among the pigeons or sil is cheeky enough to keep asking, I'd suggest she find out who ripped the hammock and get them to replace it. This will either start ww3 between her and the other grabby sil's, or make her shut up if she's the one who ripped it.

Your dh family sound horrible and grabby. I can't believe anyone thinks you are wrong for being angry when you leant them things and they passed them on without asking and damaged them.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 16:23

It's at best 50/50 (although I'd say 75/25 in my favour as I sourced it and fixed it!).

Tempted to say they can buy it off us (and then spoil DD with the proceeds) but doubt DH would go for that. I just don't get how he can be so okay with them ignoring her birthday/Xmas completely*.

(We now ignore theirs, but there were 2.5 years where we didn't.)

OP posts:
peachybex · 18/01/2016 16:24

DH - "I would like us to keep the hammock in case we ever have any more babies, or in case DD would like it when she is grown up. It has sentimental value. They have had use of it once so I think that seems very fair".

Be prepared to hold ground - assume "don't push me on this one" face.

You have to be prepared to either have the discussion/row, state your case, not budge and keep the hammock...or hand it over willingly and forget about it.

Oh and YANBU. They clearly don't respect you or your things - or care about your DD either. I vote stand your ground.

CombineBananaFister · 18/01/2016 16:30

Just say you don't have anything to lend, you don't have to explain why, let her assume it's for whatever reason, but technically you don't - because you don't have anything you're willing to lend. You're not lying then so won't be caught out and if she does see any of the things and mentions she thought you didn't have them just say, no you have them they were just not for lending.

I can understand how it would grate if the only time they get intouch is when they want something and not to see how your DD is. Sound like my ILS and it's so hard not to take it personal when it's your child left out Sad

OnlyLovers · 18/01/2016 16:31

Oh, stop giving the OP grief for wanting her stuff back!

You told them repeatedly it was a loan, you'd want the stuff back etc, and they passed it on instead. It wasn't theirs to give. At best it's disrespectful, at worst it's theft.

If they ask about more stuff just say 'No. I'm not giving anything away.' Repeat as needed. Refer them to your DH if they persist.

SweetSuz · 18/01/2016 16:32

I wish people had the guts to be more honest (not saying you wont OP) but if this were me I'd be fuming and also like to keep things (call me a hoarder or just sentimental) so totally get where you are coming from.

I'd respond- "yes we still have them but am afraid given the damaged condition they came back in last time, hope you understand but I cant risk lending them out again as they are so precious" . OP- please do it!! Such poor manners on her part to return in such shoddy condition, I feel for you. The sheer nerve of her.

People who lack manners, then awareness, then decency- or common sense- to acknowledge their mistakes and apologise sometimes need to have this pointed out to them- shock horror.

Headofthehive55 · 18/01/2016 16:34

Tell you DH you are leading it to a friend at work, now, she'll have it back of course for your SIl. Ask a friend to store it. Then it gets passed on oh dear. Then of course you get it back oh too late. I'd hide it in a wardrobe. My DH never goes in some of them.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 16:35

Refer them to your DH if they persist.

She's asking through my DH. Who sees no reason not to give them the things.

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 18/01/2016 16:35

And who seriously lends stuff out to other people that's not actually theirs? that's plain rude. It shouldn't matter what it is but most pisstaking does seem to involve baby items as people think they're fair game if you don't have a baby atm.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 16:35

Tell you DH you are leading it to a friend at work, now, she'll have it back of course for your SIl.

I work from home with DH.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/01/2016 16:36

Give the hammock to your DD now with a brand spanking new doll. Then watch your DH try to prise it away from her Grin

or

Try "No".

or

Text your SIL directly to say. "DH has said that you've sent a text to request the use of DD's baby hammock again. Unfortunately when it was returned to me it was badly damaged and filthy. It's taken considerable effort and expense to clean it up and repair it and I've put it into storage for DD to have when she is older. They can be bought direct from X if you would like one"
Then be prepared for a row when she has a whinge to your husband.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/01/2016 16:37

or buy a really cheap crappy version of it on ebay and take it up there and see if anyone objects. ....

NNalreadyinuse · 18/01/2016 16:38

Look, tbh if you are not prepared to tell your husband no, then complaining on here isnt going to fix anything or make you feel better. Stick up for yourself or be a doormat. Your choice.

NotOneIota · 18/01/2016 16:39

OP, I would grit my teeth,say no to lending the hammock and stay calm during the row with DP. Let's face it,this situation is headed one of two ways. Either you roll over and take it,lend out the hammock and say nothing,in which case you are inviting more grabby behaviour in the future. Or say no,and have the row. By putting your foot down over this,you will set a precedent for future dealings with grabby family and it will be easier to say no to the next unreasonable request.

YANBU. Stand your ground. Have the row. Clear the air. Make it plain that you won't be bullied by relatives,and that you expect your DP to back you up. If you don't,you will find yourself facing similar scenarios in the future. Good luck.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 16:41

They stopped making them a while ago now. There are a few on eBay but they're around £60-80 and I'm a bit loathe to spend any money on their behalf!

OP posts:
Tiisha · 18/01/2016 16:42

I think they probably treated your things like that on purpose and passed it on without your permission bc they feel exactly the same way towards you as you do towards them? They probably did it to piss you off and had a laugh about it. I don't think you should lend anybody anything in the future as tbh you don't sound like a very charitable type of person regardless of the recipients behaviour and they probably pick up on that too.

HighwayDragon1 · 18/01/2016 16:42

"No it came back ripped last time, I'm not prepared to lend it out again"

And repeat

alltouchedout · 18/01/2016 16:42

Only on mn have I come across the weird concept that a loan is actually a gift and that it is far ruder to want one's possessions returned than it is to decide to keep other's belongings without their permission.

Viviennemary · 18/01/2016 16:42

I think that it's a complete waste of time asking for baby clothes to be returned. If you dowant them back don't give them away in the first place. You will find people don't wash them as carefully as you do or some unavoidable staining takes place. I wouldn't accept baby clothes people wanted back because of this. And how after a time would anybody be able to remember what belonged to whom. It's a complete waste of time IMHO.

NotOneIota · 18/01/2016 16:43

Even more reason to keep it,OP! Please don't give in. You'll have a lifetime of this ahead. YANBU. YANBU!!!