To tell them to fuck off?

[DisappointedOne]

One of my SILs got pregnant shortly before DD was born. As DD started growing out of things, we lent them to BIL and SIL for their baby (they live 300 miles away, as do the rest of that side of the family). We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it, but then another SIL got pregnant and the stuff got passed on with no mention to us to them. Then the first SIL got pregnant again, so they got passed back, and then the other one so they went back again. Then the last brother's girlfriend got pregnant so it all got passed on to them - again with no mention to us. So rather than being used for 1 more baby and returned they were used for 5 more in 2 years. We did ask for them back, but they were constantly in use. When we did eventually get things back, they hadn't been cleaned and some things had torn/ripped, which meant that I had to spend quite a long time fixing them before they got put away.

Got a text from SIL 1 last night asking if we still have some of the things. Yep, she's pregnant again. I'm sick of subsidising a family that only ever take from us. WIBU to tell them to fuck off and stick them on ebay?

[KourtneyK]

Oh, I got confused at the mention of the cot and pram. Eh, I wouldn't have given anything that has sentimental value, to be honest.

[margeys]

You are overestimating what you would have sold equipment for. New jumperoos now cost £90. A quick search shows second hand ones selling for £15 to £50. The £50 ones are saying they have only been used a few times, and are only a few months old. Even then, I doubt they will get £50 for them.

[DisappointedOne]

I've done such a good job of cleaning the jumperoo that my neighbour has bought it for £40.

[margeys]

Well done. But I think your neighbour was stupid to pay that much.

[DisappointedOne]

There are 7 hammocks that have sold for £70-100 in the last 6 weeks on eBay. The £100 one was used by 1 baby for 6 months, as mine was.

[AmeliaNeedsHelp]

Is it possible that they just have different expectations? If you're DH thought wanted to (or felt he had to) pass stuff around the family then its not surprising that his family thought the same. In our family baby stuff gets passed around - just like we all saw my mum's family pass stuff around their kids. The fact that we're all adults doesn't stop us wanting to help each other out if we can - that's what being a family means, surely?

I also think that saying "we'll take the stuff back so its not in your way" is very different from saying "we'd like it back to sell". The first one sound like you're taking it back to help them out because you have lots of storage space, so I certainly wouldn't have thought you wanted the stuff back to sell or keep. I would have asked before passing it on though.

[DisappointedOne]

There were several discussions. It was clear we wanted it back after baby 1. They deliberately didn't tell us it had been passed on to baby 2 and were very sheepish when we found out. And so it went on.

[BolshierAryaStark]

I don't think YABU & I'd tell them to fuck off too.

[BitOutOfPractice]

OP, I mean this kindly, but it really does seem obvious to me that your anger and bitterness is not about a baby hammock here. Obviously I don't know you and your circumstances but that's how it strongly comes across

[AmeliaNeedsHelp]

In that case I wouldn't tell then to fuck off, but would reply "yes, we still have them but we aren't lending any more things out because the previous items took XX time to repair due to being returned in such poor condition".

That way they will know you aren't lending stuff, but it hopefully won't cause a massive row.

You can rant on here (or to DH) about their unreasonableness, and if they think you're being unreasonable then its tough shit because you aren't. There's no fixed rule about having to give family stuff.

[CrapBag]

YANBU OP. Whether you wanted to use it again, to sell it or to let it rot into dust in your loft is irrelevant. It was yours, you quite clearly let them borrow it and they had no right to lend it out to anyone else and keep passing it around. They sound rude and entitled.

Do not lend them anything again. Tell them exactly why.

I leant someone a baby item. The lending was very explicit. Later on I was told she had leant it to her family member, without asking me, telling me after it was done with a 'oh I can get it back' but or course you don't feel you can when it is being used. Shortly after I did ask for it back. And I asked and I asked. Every time I got excuses 'oh I forgot' 'oh yeah I'll ask them when I see them' until one time she had a huge go at me about it saying she never realised I leant it! I couldn't have put it clearer to her so that was my lesson to never actually lend anything except to someone I could absolutely trust.

[rainpouringrainbows]

It is sad that people seem to lack common sense, minimum manners and respect for others. Of course you are upset because you do a nice thing, lend items and people take the p.

It doesn't matter if you wanted to keep them, sell them, they are yours, and you've seem to make it perfectly clear you expected them back. Friends and family have lend me baby stuff, all expected to be return, which is fine. You take the risk of a few items being damaged, or show signs of use, but we've all done that.
I bought baby stuff for my first that I do want to keep, they might be needed for his kids if they want them. We don't all bin or sell everything. They've traveled a bit with my sisters, but I have everything back.

I don't think you should tell them to F** Off, but you should reply that No, unfortunately, you don't have anything to lend them.

Your husband's family is your kids family, so unfortunately they do become a bit your own family (if that makes sense). You are stuck with these horrible people, try not to get too irritated, what's done is done, but you know what to do in the future.

[DisappointedOne]

OP, I mean this kindly, but it really does seem obvious to me that your anger and bitterness is not about a baby hammock here. Obviously I don't know you and your circumstances but that's how it strongly comes across

I'm at the point where I tolerate them and protect DD from them as far as possible. I am done making effort for them when they make none for us. This is just another thing in the long history of their "take take take" approach to life. No more.

[ExConstance]

YABU, second hand baby stuff is worth very little, you could just buy some on ebay (except the car seat) if you need it again.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Just to defend the expectations, I bought my jumperoo in a sale with a code from mothercare for a bargain 65 and sold it three years later after two kids for 50. It wasn't perfect but I had the box which makes a difference. I was shocked to recover over 60% of my first travel system, and have generally been surprised how much stuff goes for. Not at nct sales, but on ebay, and it depends partly on area you live in, and partly on luck. The £15 jumprroos will either have been a bargain snapped up by someone on a badly timed auction end, or badly worded advert, and the seller would be kicking themselves, or a broken one, as in reality the bulk of them go for between 40-60. Sometimes stuff goes for a steal and the seller is annoyed, but just as often it goes for a good deal, and some branded stuff does have a good resale value.

In reality op, you should have sold it to sil1 instead of lending it, you could have given her mates rates, try that in future

[Spartans]

If you didn't lend them a cot why are you talking about your dad sanding your mums cot?

This is really quite bizarre.

I think you are angry at their general behavoour and are hanging on to this as proof your feelings towards tem are justified.

Also your dh may not be blood related to your Sil, maybe his brothers felt they were borrowing off your dh and told their wives it would be fine.

Or maybe (since you dh won't say anything to them) maybe he actually told them it was fine to pass the stuff around but dare not tell you.

[Spartans]

What's a travel system?

I thought a travel system included the car seat....which you should never buy second hand.

Or is it a pram?

[KitKat1985]

Can I just ask - what on earth is a baby hammock?!? I'm imagining rows of small babies laying in hammocks on a beach and drinking pina coladas....

[DisappointedOne]

Baby hammock. It's what everyone should use instead of Moses baskets.

[DisappointedOne]

If you didn't lend them a cot why are you talking about your dad sanding your mums cot?

My nan kept the cot she had for my mum and her siblings and passed it onto my mum when she had me. They kept it to pass onto me/my sister. I only mentioned it because PPs thought it unreasonable for baby items to be kept not being used and not passed around all and sundry.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Wow cant believe I never saw a baby hammock, that looks fab, and I can see why you are annoyed it was so damaged.

Travel system is generally the kind of pram with a separate base, and a carrycot for babies and pram for toddlers, that car seats are compatible with.

[mewkins]

I would just lie and tell them I had leant it to a friend. That is probably the chicken's way out but saves big family drama and everyone wading in.

[Kaekae]

I don't understand the lending and borrowing of baby things, I usually hand them down and not expect back unless of course it was something like a travel cot and I had let a friend borrow it for a trip and it as something we still used. I have to say I wouldn't want any of the things back, they will probably be fit for the bin by now!

[rainpouringrainbows]

cot/ moses basket/ baby bath/ highchair/ play pen/ toys in good condition etc... I would be happy to lend to ONE person, but I want to keep all that. If nothing else, they will be used occasionally when someone stays over with a baby.

Baby clothes, they are sentimental, I do want to keep them.

[Queenbean]

I would never begrudge my family passing around baby items if I had made it clear that I wasn't having another child. What's the point in keeping it? You could make back a few hundred quid at most, and given that you own a 6 bedroom house then are you desperate for that money? Why would you begrudge your daughter's cousins getting joy out of her old things?

It is disrespectful that they didn't ask you, but I can't quite believe that it took you 4/5 years to ask for the stuff back and then be surprised that it hasn't been sitting in a museum in the meantime

It is obvious that you're not a big fan of your partners family and are projecting it on to this issue now.

Please don't let your dislike for them rub off on your daughter and ruin her relationship with her cousins.