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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

254 replies

DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 20:43

One of my SILs got pregnant shortly before DD was born. As DD started growing out of things, we lent them to BIL and SIL for their baby (they live 300 miles away, as do the rest of that side of the family). We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it, but then another SIL got pregnant and the stuff got passed on with no mention to us to them. Then the first SIL got pregnant again, so they got passed back, and then the other one so they went back again. Then the last brother's girlfriend got pregnant so it all got passed on to them - again with no mention to us. So rather than being used for 1 more baby and returned they were used for 5 more in 2 years. We did ask for them back, but they were constantly in use. When we did eventually get things back, they hadn't been cleaned and some things had torn/ripped, which meant that I had to spend quite a long time fixing them before they got put away.

Got a text from SIL 1 last night asking if we still have some of the things. Yep, she's pregnant again. I'm sick of subsidising a family that only ever take from us. WIBU to tell them to fuck off and stick them on ebay?

OP posts:
FifteenFortyNine · 24/09/2015 21:39

Depends if you made it absolutely clear that you want the stuff back. If yes, then YANBU, if no then YABU.

I guess it's a harsh lesson to learn but at least now you know not to do it. I only give away things I don't want back and don't have much if any financial/emotional value. Everything else I either keep or sell.

Bogeyface · 24/09/2015 21:40

When you marry DH's family become your family...
Eh? Did we just go back in time to the 1800's?!

His family are his and my family is mine, our family is him, me us and our kids.

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2015 21:43

We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it

they knew it was expected back

But did you actually tell them you expected them back, before you lent them?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 21:45

Yep. Clear as anything. "Yes, you can borrow that. We'll have it back when we visit in the summer so that it's not cluttering up your house." Etc.

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 24/09/2015 21:46

Yes, did you make it clear you wanted it back? Or were you vague?

How do you know they knew?

When ever I've gotten second hand clothes I've always assumed they were mine. When I've given away clothes I've always assumed they were the mother's.

Alisvolatpropiis · 24/09/2015 21:48

Yanbu

And I'm also with you on not seeing your dh's family as being "your family". I don't see my husband's family as being my family, at all.

MudCity · 24/09/2015 21:48

Just say no. They sound like a bunch of scroungers. About time they bought their own baby stuff surely?

I agree with other posters who have said only lend things to people if you really don't want it back.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 21:49

Again, it wasn't clothes.

Secondly, we used the words "lend, borrow, give/have back, collect" repeatedly. SIL promised to look after them and give them back.

OP posts:
Greengardenpixie · 24/09/2015 21:53

No you are not being unreasonable. Great its got use but you should have been asked and what a cheek after the way it was treated. I would tell them to fuck off - nicely.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/09/2015 21:59

I wonder how your DH feels about them not being family to you

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 22:01

He's seen the way they've behaved over the past 14 years and understands why!

OP posts:
JeremySpokeInClassToday · 24/09/2015 22:05

Bride - your comment made me smile. As though a car seat has an expiry date like a packet of ham :)

Hackedabove · 24/09/2015 22:07

I see DH's family as my family, by marriage. Doesn't mean I have to like them all, as with my blood relations.

LumelaMme · 24/09/2015 22:11

When you marry DH's family become your family...
Hahahaha. Try talking to my SIL.

Hackedabove · 24/09/2015 22:13

If they've behaved so badly over the last 14 years you definitely shouldn't have lent them stuff. Just never lend them anything ever again.

Tell her due to the fact that you may want to use them again you're holding onto them.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 22:20

Until we had DD it was very easy to avoid them, so we didn't realise how shitty they were. Having DD opened our eyes. Unfortunately it was after we'd given them loads of our stuff!

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 22:20

Bride - your comment made me smile. As though a car seat has an expiry date like a packet of ham smile

They do. They all have an expiry date on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 22:21

Tell her due to the fact that you may want to use them again you're holding onto them.

Ooh no, that way trouble lies.

I might send her a link to the eBay listing and tell her she can pay if she wants stuff. Grin

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/09/2015 22:30

Tell her that they can't be used for her new baby as they came back in such a disgusting state that they were only fit to be used by pigs or thrown out. Her baby is much to precious to have faulty/unsanitary gear. Then allow her to assume that you threw everything away already.

XiCi · 24/09/2015 22:31

If you are usually this uptight about lending things you shouldn't have offered. I think you are being a bit mean tbh when you have no idea if you will ever need the stuff again. I've given away all sorts of baby things to friends and family. Cots, car seats, buggies, clothes, the list goes on. I'd never expect it back, I'm just happy that someone else gets use of it. I too have no idea if I'll have another baby but find the idea of having loads of old stuff hanging around collecting dust just on the offchance a bit odd

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/09/2015 22:32

If you want to rub salt into the wound, then hint that you might time your next pregnancy to be able to borrow all the new stuff that she will be buying for her new baby. Wink

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 22:38

I'm not planning any more pregnancies (took DH 10 years to persuade me to have DD).

She'll be 5 in a couple of weeks. She's still waiting for the presents (or even a card!) she was promised by them for her 3rd and 4th birthdays, and the last 3 xmases. So I'm
Not really inclined to save them anything.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 24/09/2015 22:47

If you're not having any more kids then why on earth do you want the stuff back?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 22:49

Because it's mine. DH didn't give his brother his old car because he "didn't want it to die like that". That's how I feel.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 24/09/2015 22:55

Well I think it's a bit petty and a shame to want this stuff back because you don't like your in-laws.
Yabu.