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AIBU?

To tell them to fuck off?

254 replies

DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 20:43

One of my SILs got pregnant shortly before DD was born. As DD started growing out of things, we lent them to BIL and SIL for their baby (they live 300 miles away, as do the rest of that side of the family). We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it, but then another SIL got pregnant and the stuff got passed on with no mention to us to them. Then the first SIL got pregnant again, so they got passed back, and then the other one so they went back again. Then the last brother's girlfriend got pregnant so it all got passed on to them - again with no mention to us. So rather than being used for 1 more baby and returned they were used for 5 more in 2 years. We did ask for them back, but they were constantly in use. When we did eventually get things back, they hadn't been cleaned and some things had torn/ripped, which meant that I had to spend quite a long time fixing them before they got put away.

Got a text from SIL 1 last night asking if we still have some of the things. Yep, she's pregnant again. I'm sick of subsidising a family that only ever take from us. WIBU to tell them to fuck off and stick them on ebay?

OP posts:

Report

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 17:55

My feeling is that if they can't even be bothered to get your dd birthday/xmas presents, then they shouldn't expect you to let them have stuff all the time.

That's how I feel.

OP posts:

WaitrosePigeon · 18/01/2016 17:56

Look, tbh if you are not prepared to tell your husband no, then complaining on here isnt going to fix anything or make you feel better. Stick up for yourself or be a doormat. Your choice.

Yep, big girl pants on now.

clam · 18/01/2016 18:08

Why, oh why don't people RTFT?

dodobookends · 18/01/2016 18:13

Why, oh why don't people RTFT?

I did

WaitrosePigeon · 18/01/2016 18:14

Ditto

silverduck · 18/01/2016 18:22

Genuine question: Given you were happy to let SIL1 have it originally would you have refused SIL2 (which wouldn't be very fair?). Given that you allowed SIL1 DC1 to use the stuff would you have allowed SIL1 DC2? I'm interested in where you would have drawn the line (if asked, and they should have discussed it with you, no question).

Another question: Were they handing round a big pile of stuff or just yours? Was there a communal pile of stuff that the latest pg person had and that you would have been included on if you had been pg? That would make the offence less in my eyes as they saw it as sharing and would have included you (I know they should have asked).

Do they refuse invites to your house?

clam · 18/01/2016 18:25

dodobookends and WaitrosePigeon

I wasn't referring to you, but all the dozens of posters who keep piling in here saying things like "why would you want clothes back" and so forth.

WaitrosePigeon · 18/01/2016 18:27

Ah yes, see what you mean!

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 18:28

SIL2 has a sister whose children are around 3 months older than theirs, so they borrowed our stuff (via SIL1) and stuff from SofSIL2. SIL2 gave our stuff but not her sister's to SIL1 and then had it all back for their next baby. SIL2 bought a lot of stuff too whereas SIL1 is notoriously tight. SIL1 then gave out stuff to SIL3, who is an absolute slattern and never once cleaned it. It went back to SIL1 covered in dog and cat hair (and goodness knows what else) where it got covered in more cat hair before being returned to us (DH having an enormous cat allergy) filthy, ripped and sticky.

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 18:32

Do they refuse invites to your house?

They don't even have the grace to respond. We were up there last summer. PIL had long since agreed they were coming down a particular weekend even though it wasn't massively convenient for me/DD a couple of weeks later. While out for a meal en famile BIL3 said across the table "I'll drop the dog over to you on Friday and pick it up on Monday then". They nodded to him and MIL blushed profusely. It had come up at the last minute and they'd forgotten they were coming to us. But don't worry, they'll come down a couple of weeks later. Not heard hide nor hair of them since.

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 18/01/2016 18:32

We are all with you disappointedone.

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 18:46

Thanks.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 18/01/2016 18:49

I'm with you OP.

And I wish people would RTFT. Or at least all the OP's posts.

lilydaisyrose · 18/01/2016 18:51

I hear you about the birthday presents being an issue, but I though you/your family didn't celebrate Christmas?

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 19:09

I hear you about the birthday presents being an issue, but I though you/your family didn't celebrate Christmas?

We don't do Xmas as most people do, but we still do something - it's basically meals with family and friends and a few gifts for DD without Santa. She had gifts/money from my parents, sister, grandma, aunties......... and nothing whatsoever from DH's family.

And for 2+ years gifts were sent for nieces and nephews so we did show willing.

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 19:11

It's not even about the presents. If they said "let's do a day out and we'll buy DD an ice cream" it would be more than enough. She gets nothing. (For her 5th birthday PIL bought her a colouring book.)

OP posts:

Owllady · 18/01/2016 19:18

I'd firebomb their house

SouthWesterlyWinds · 18/01/2016 19:42

So in essence

1/ they've disrespected boundaries. I get that. I had that with my own sister with baby stuff.
2/ they treat you, DD and DH as an extra limb to the family, is enough to acknowledge when you meet but not to include.
3/ this includes your PIL
4/ they didn't respect that something actually didn't belong to them and would have needed to have come back. It came back dirty and/or broken
5/ your DH excuses his family for slights including the fact that they've ignored his one and only, had to persuade to you to get pregnant child.

The last one is the cherry on the proverbial cake. His child is being ignored by grandparents and by aunts/uncles. But he's quite willing to forgive that in order to be the good guy. Fuck that for a wank. You need to point that cherry out to him. They're fine when they want something from you but don't even bother with you all otherwise. Tis shit and this needs to be emphasised to him.

I take it you live away from him so that your not part of the daily family meet ups. Do they call often? Do the PIL's visit and see their granddaughter? If not, then emphasise that you don't like doing favours for people who treat your own daughter like a second class relative. I would stress this point as it's the one that has wound me up just reading this.

It's lot about lending stuff out essentially. It's about how the family have made you and your daughter feel as you've been treated like non-members of the family. Fuck it. Life's too short.

The hammock is easy - it came back in bad condition and would neither be safe nor clean enough. But here's an eBay link.

The rest that your not keeping for DD, sell it now. Just tell them that it's all sold awaiting collection or it's been recycled as its at the end of its physical life. The money is to be spent on your daughter to spoil her as quite frankly you and your DH are the only ones to do so. Let her go mad in build a bear or treat her to legoland. Spend the money on her. And tell your husband it's to make up for the fact your child is of an age where she has now realised that her paternal family can only be bothered with her when they physically see her. And that's shite.

LordBrightside · 18/01/2016 19:49

If you have stuff away, never expect it back. Once you've given stuff away just let go of it. It's not important.

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2016 19:54

Think you've hit the nail on the head south.

I take it you live away from him so that your not part of the daily family meet ups. Do they call often? Do the PIL's visit and see their granddaughter?

We're between 260 and 300 miles away from them. Don't make me laugh. FIL rang DH a couple of days ago to rant about the junior doctors striking. Didn't ask once about DD. Don't think they have since she was born. He'll ring to rant about refugees or Muslims but never ask about DD. And no, they haven't visited for years despite repeated invitations (too busy having the other 5 grandchildren/pets full time and overnight and at weekends).

If not, then emphasise that you don't like doing favours for people who treat your own daughter like a second class relative. I would stress this point as it's the one that has wound me up just reading this.

Quite.

OP posts:

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 21:26

Vivienne...I think OP said back in September that she is not expecting the clothes back.

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 21:33

He'll ring to rant about refugees or Muslims but never ask about DD. And no, they haven't visited for years despite repeated invitations (too busy having the other 5 grandchildren/pets full time and overnight and at weekends).

Well he sounds nice. Probably a good think they don't visit, so your DD isn't exposed to a bigot?

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WonderingAspie · 18/01/2016 21:38

Can you 'lose' the hammock (at a friend's house) until after your DH has gone to visit his awful reletives? I wouldn't lend them a used newspaper tbh, they can stop leeching and buy their own sodding baby stuff!

Berthatydfil · 18/01/2016 21:55

I think you ANBU.
they have completely disrespected your possessions.

Text your SIL I understand you have asked DH to borrow the baby hammock - that won't be possible as when it was returned to us it was in a terrible state dirty with cats hair and ripped so that it was unusable which was very disappointing.
Don't under any circumstances tell her you have repaired it and hopefully she will think it's been got rid of.

ispymincepie · 18/01/2016 21:57

God we had this, also sil. When we had our first 2 dcs we were given a few clothes (ie, one bag) from each of dhs older siblings who have much older kids. Because of this it was assumed by his younger sister got pregnant she would get all the 'family baby clothes' including all of our stuff. I'm talking 5 yrs worth of stuff for a boy and a girl, hundreds of pounds worth including equipment. We knew we wanted more dcs but reluctantly agreed to lend it to her in the mean time. We eventually got a fraction of it back after years of hounding and even now we have a dc3 and #4 otw she refuses to give back our giant brio collection because her ds (7yrs) still plays with it! We spent a fortune at Christmas replacing it for our train mad 2yo.

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