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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

254 replies

DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 20:43

One of my SILs got pregnant shortly before DD was born. As DD started growing out of things, we lent them to BIL and SIL for their baby (they live 300 miles away, as do the rest of that side of the family). We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it, but then another SIL got pregnant and the stuff got passed on with no mention to us to them. Then the first SIL got pregnant again, so they got passed back, and then the other one so they went back again. Then the last brother's girlfriend got pregnant so it all got passed on to them - again with no mention to us. So rather than being used for 1 more baby and returned they were used for 5 more in 2 years. We did ask for them back, but they were constantly in use. When we did eventually get things back, they hadn't been cleaned and some things had torn/ripped, which meant that I had to spend quite a long time fixing them before they got put away.

Got a text from SIL 1 last night asking if we still have some of the things. Yep, she's pregnant again. I'm sick of subsidising a family that only ever take from us. WIBU to tell them to fuck off and stick them on ebay?

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 25/09/2015 00:33

Op I can understand why you are upset. It seems there is more going on than just the baby things. I have always given away baby things when I finished with them. But your dh family are taking the piss. Yanbu

Bogeyface · 25/09/2015 00:40

Snooky yes people are very kind :)

What made me smile is that after 5 kids, when I had number 6 I was still being given stuff...I DIDNT NEED IT! :o

SnookyWookyWooWoo · 25/09/2015 00:47

I know! my daughters wardrobe has alot more items than mine I can assure you!! Now if I could just get someone to loan me a new car....Grin

brokenhearted55a · 25/09/2015 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hibbleddible · 25/09/2015 00:59

I'm also confused as to why you asked for this stuff back. You said you aren't pregnant and there aren't even any children on the horizon.

You clearly dislike dh's family, so why did you lend it to begin with?

Lending baby clothes never really works anyway as they normally get pretty stained.

You are also extremely optimistic incorrect about the value of used items, even if they are in great condition.

Rainbunny · 25/09/2015 01:13

I agree that baby related items do get a lot of wear and tear, so I wouldn't have expected them back in great condition but OP had no knowledge that they were being passed around and going through 4 times more wear and tear and were obviously not taken care of. I'm surprised at posters who are giving the OP a hard time. As much as anything, I sense it is the lack of gratitude and the entitlement that this stuff is theirs for the taking. There's a reason they used it in the first place - all these things cost quite a bit of money and it adds up.

Frankly, if I was the OP I would probably just say that much of the stuff came back in a poor condition, despite that I have lent the items to a friend who will be needing them for the foreseeable future. Sorry, guess you'll have to find another source of baby gear.

brokenhearted55a · 25/09/2015 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbunny · 25/09/2015 01:42

Brokenhearted -I wasn't specifically referencing you :)

That said, when it comes to asserting ourselves we aren't all able to do that so easily in the face of complex inter-family politics, relationships etc... I'm a pretty self confident person and I couldn't give a toss who I annoy when I'm standing up for myself but even I tread carefully around in-law relationships. It can be a minefield that brings more pain than it's worth, so I won't give the OP a hardtime because she was trying to balance friendly relations and being kind with not being taken advantage of.

brokenhearted55a · 25/09/2015 01:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbunny · 25/09/2015 01:58

Agree - much better to treat it as a sunk cost and chalk it up to experience and so be forearmed for the future, which is my general response to in-law related drama.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2015 05:26

So this is about your dislike for DH's family.

Really, you'd finished with the stuff. You don't need it. It sounds like you have no sentimental attachment to it (just a price tag!)

I think you need to just let it go. This is the kind of crap that can eat you up For years if you're not careful

winkywinkola · 25/09/2015 05:41

They took the piss. Totally.

So now you know what to expect from them.

It will never happen to you again because you know now. Draw a line and move on.

I would always be polite but refuse when they next ask for stuff. There's no point in starting a family row about it.

They should have been embarrassed about passing the stuff on without checking with you. And they should have been embarrassed about giving it back to you in such a state.

I would totally detach from these people in future. Expect nothing from them and give nothing.

Hackedabove · 25/09/2015 05:43

Get on eBay, get rid of it all, the stuff they borrowed and the stuff they'll ask for. Never lend anything to them again. Job done.

BathshebaDarkstone · 25/09/2015 05:55

If I give old baby clothes to someone, it's not a loan, I give them to them. Maybe you should have made it clear that it was a loan?

Spartans · 25/09/2015 06:32

So they have been awful to you for 14 years? Yet 4 years ago you lent them some stuff! Whenthats lend anything when they are so awfully

Personally it would be better for you emotionally if you moved past this and just admitted your dislike (which may be well founded) is at the bottom of this and don't get involved with them again.

greenfolder · 25/09/2015 06:40

Just tell them you have given all your baby stuff to a friend. End of discussion.
People have differing views on baby stuff. Most stuff I view as communal resource, so we got the old cot, and various clothes were passed around between friends. The one thing I did regret was lending a very nice pram and carrycot to a very good friend. I was really really clear about it being a loan (it cost 450 new). However, despite asking on numerous times, it never came back. I concluded she has either stored it poorly and ruined it, or gave it away. I decided friendship more important. However, years later it still irks me!

MyrtleMoaning · 25/09/2015 07:00

I see what you mean, Bogey. I still think it's silly to be so annoyed about stuff OP won't ever need, BUT you're right, it's incredibly disrespectful, and I'd be mad at the misuse of my belongings

InimitableJeeves · 25/09/2015 07:08

Bathsheba, RTFT. She did make it clear that it was a loan.

Whocansay · 25/09/2015 07:17

My sister did similar to me. I was annoyed and just didn't pass anything else over. Your SIL's text is straightforward. You just reply 'No.'. End of conversation.

stopfaffing · 25/09/2015 07:18

"Yes, you can borrow that. We'll have it back when we visit in the summer so that it's not cluttering up your house."

My observation, OP, is if you had asked for the stuff back when you visited in the summer, they would have had to admit they'd lent it on and you could have expressed disappointment to them and asked them to have it returned as soon as possible (so it wasn't lent on again).

If a family member asked me for any baby stuff I would give stuff to them, not lend. Anything I might want to use again (for subsequent babies) I would not give or lend but store away. I personally would not want returned any things that had been used by someone else.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 07:45

My observation, OP, is if you had asked for the stuff back when you visited in the summer, they would have had to admit they'd lent it on and you could have expressed disappointment to them and asked them to have it returned as soon as possible (so it wasn't lent on again).

I did want to, but by that point it has been in use fora few months by another brother's child. DH refused to ask, saying that if we'd let one brother use it we should let another one (he has 3 younger brothers and feels responsible for them all even though they're all grown up!). And we thought it would come back after that baby. And so it went on..........

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 07:54

Re the awful for 14 years, that's not what I said. It was easy not to bother with them when it was just us and we lived so far away. It crystallised with our wedding (11 year) where their level of rudeness reached new highs. I resolved to have even less to do with them after that, but theyreDH's family and he's conditioned to excuse everything. DD was the first grandchild: I thought that might change things, but no. DH insists we make the effort to visit them so that DD has a relationship with her cousins, but they take and don't give and my inner tiger doesn't want her anywhere near them.

Their behaviour when she was born, and at her naming ceremony, and towards her for the past 5 years has shown exactly what they're like. DH still doesn't see it. Would do anything for his family. Thinks me unreasonable for "not understanding them".

I now avoid visiting whenever possible (DD being in school helps). DH can go alone whenever he likes. Im slowly converting our spare bedrooms for other uses (we bought a house big enough for them to visit comfortably - there have been fewer than 6 visits by anyone in 10 years).

They're not my family. But I have to respect that they are DH's.

OP posts:
Minisoksmakehardwork · 25/09/2015 08:05

I think you have to chalk it up to lesson learnt and in future, just sell things on as soon as your dd has outgrown them to put towards the next purchase. Otherwise you'll be keeping your family in free bikes for example, for years while you are paying out for them. I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. I have no problems passing things on to friends and family when my own dc have outgrown them. But anything of dd1's that I want dd2 to have (clothes wise mostly), I keep. As I would be really annoyed if it came back damaged and I couldn't expect that it wouldn't.

It is annoying. Especially as things were loaned round and round before coming back to you - I hate to think what reaction you would have got had you said you needed them back.

rosieliveson1 · 25/09/2015 08:26

I think it's unfair to suggest that OP can't be peeved that stuff she has lent out ha done the rounds and come back spoiled.
I don't think time, inclination for more children or initial cost is the point. It's respect for someone else's things.
If I had something from someone, I would ask before passing it on or pass it back so that the next people could actually ask the owner.
It was unfair of the family to assume that the goods became 'family property' and allow them to become destroyed.

BathshebaDarkstone · 25/09/2015 08:37

Jeeves I have RTFT. Obviously the OP didn't make it clear enough.