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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

254 replies

DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 20:43

One of my SILs got pregnant shortly before DD was born. As DD started growing out of things, we lent them to BIL and SIL for their baby (they live 300 miles away, as do the rest of that side of the family). We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it, but then another SIL got pregnant and the stuff got passed on with no mention to us to them. Then the first SIL got pregnant again, so they got passed back, and then the other one so they went back again. Then the last brother's girlfriend got pregnant so it all got passed on to them - again with no mention to us. So rather than being used for 1 more baby and returned they were used for 5 more in 2 years. We did ask for them back, but they were constantly in use. When we did eventually get things back, they hadn't been cleaned and some things had torn/ripped, which meant that I had to spend quite a long time fixing them before they got put away.

Got a text from SIL 1 last night asking if we still have some of the things. Yep, she's pregnant again. I'm sick of subsidising a family that only ever take from us. WIBU to tell them to fuck off and stick them on ebay?

OP posts:
PingpongDingDong · 24/09/2015 23:06

If you told them you wanted the stuff back then they are taking the piss I agree.

multivac · 24/09/2015 23:10

So this is about you disliking your husband's family? I'm sure you're right, and they're a bunch of bastards. He's lucky he found you and escaped.

multivac · 24/09/2015 23:12

Oh, and I've never married. But when I had children, my extended family, and my partner's extended family, wove together, backwards. Because his parents are as much our children's grandparents as mine are. And so on.

titch89 · 24/09/2015 23:20

if you're not planning on using them again tell her you're selling them and she can buy them if she likes.. you may aswell get something off her for them if she's already had so much use from them and from the sounds their not worth selling by now anyway.. but have to agree with a few others.. it's a bit petty to just not want to pass them on because "they're yours"

GiddyOnZackHunt · 24/09/2015 23:28

Oh for heaven's sake, most of this stuff, used once or twice has bugger all value. If you wanted to keep 'special' items then you should have kept them If you don't like the relatives then don't lend or give.
We had a few bits off a relative who was done with pg. I gave them away to be shot of the clutter.
Yes the ILs are pita but it is what it is. If you complain they aren't going to beg your forgiveness. So chalk it up to experience and hand stuff on to people you do like.

beaucoupdemojo · 24/09/2015 23:29

What does it matter how her dh feels about the OP not viewing his family as hers? She is entitled to her own feelings and we often cannot choose what those feelings are. No one else has to give us permission to ferl as we do!

Sorry OP to go off topic. I think they should have checked with you before lending your stuff amongst themselves.

MyrtleMoaning · 24/09/2015 23:44

It's all a bit dog in the mangerish, isn't it. You're not even going to use it again. I get your POV, but ffs life's too short to waste it on petty stuff.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 23:54

Okay. It may be easier if I put it in terms of figures.

Couple 1 "borrowed" stuff from us that would have cost them £600 minimum to buy themselves. Okay, we'd used them first but they were immaculate when handed over and the hammock I could have sold on for 90% of the new price. Let's say I could have sold it all for £400.

Had they looked after it and returned it I probably could have sold it all for £300. But they didn't, and it went through 4 more babies (plus dogs and cats) and was returned in a dreadful state. I then had to spend a lot of time cleaning and repairing (that I could have spent doing something fun). I would probably be lucky to get £150 for it all now. So they've saved themselves £600 and cost me between £150 and £250 (minimum). And then they can't even be arsed to send DD a card on her birthday.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 24/09/2015 23:56

It would be petty if it werent for the fact that the OP has been used as the family Mothercare for years!

No one had to buy anything except her as it was assumed that she would pay and they would get to use them and not even look after them!

What part of "It came back dirty, covered in dog and cat hair, torn" did you "its petty not to share" people not understand?

They took the things, used them lost them (in the case of the clothes) and ruined them! I bet that they would have taken more care of things that they had paid for.

No, fuck 'em. Its about time they found out how much it actually costs to kit out a baby instead of assuming some other sucker will pay.

MyrtleMoaning · 24/09/2015 23:56

It's FIVE years old.

It's worth nothing. At least it's been used, rather than rotting away in a loft somewhere.

Bogeyface · 24/09/2015 23:58

Add to that the fact that the only interest they seem to have in the OP's DC is when they are growing out of things, double fuck 'em!

Bogeyface · 25/09/2015 00:02

Myrtle

Dont you see that its the lack of respect shown to the OPs stuff that is the issue here rather than the stuff itself?

If you loaned me a coat that you were going to send to the charity shop and I gave it back filthy, with a tear in it, would you think "Oh it was worth nothing....its X years old, at least its been used!" or would you think "Bloody hell, she could have at least washed it and mended the tear"? Be honest!

Its not necessarily about the value of things but about respect and appreciation. Seems to me the the ILs take for granted that they can "borrow" things and treat them like shit, safe in the knowledge that their hard earned pennies didnt pay for them.

As I said before, I bet they treat things that they have paid for a lot differently.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 00:04

*It's FIVE years old.

It's worth nothing. At least it's been used, rather than rotting away in a loft somewhere.*

Actually, the hammocks go for about £100 still if they're in good condition. I only paid £140 for the new one.

Good condition jumperoo can fetch £50: I paid £70.

So not worth nothing at all.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/09/2015 00:08

After five years I'd be pissed off to get a coat back that I'd been happy to give away five years ago.
I don't think OP is realistic to say she could get £300. Stuff really sells for very little. Our pushchair/pram which was used for 2 dc and looked after, cost £300 but we would be lucky to get £10 for it.

LovelyFriend · 25/09/2015 00:11

If you want baby stuff kept in nice condition I think it's best you keep it for yourself and don't " lend" your things to other people.

I'm another who finds the idea of lending baby stuff (and expecting it back in fab condition) really bizarre.

I pass everything in good condition on to someone who can use it - but only when we are done with stuff.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 25/09/2015 00:11

Where do they go for that much? Asking or actual?

Bogeyface · 25/09/2015 00:15

Prams dont go for much thats true, but thats because there are so many on ebay, the rarely posted items tend to go for more.

After five years I'd be pissed off to get a coat back that I'd been happy to give away five years ago.

But the OP wasnt happy to give it away 5 years ago. She was happy to loan it for (I am guessing) a year, 5 years ago. When she asked for it back the borrower had passed it on without asking the OP if that was ok, despite it being clear that it was a loan, and thats why it took 5 years for the OP to get it back.

It would have been worth a hell of a lot more if the OP had had it back when the borrower should have returned it. Its only worth less because of the selfish ILs passing it around amongst themselves and treating it like crap.

BlinkAndMiss · 25/09/2015 00:15

Definitely not unreasonable - I, too, am sick of subsidising family who choose to have more children yet don't have to means to pay for them. I worked bloody hard to buy nice things for my babies, it shouldn't be assumed that just because the things aren't in use then they're up for grabs.

It could be worth pennies or millions, that's irrelevant. It's the attitude that they think they're entitled to it that irritates me. I'd sell it on or give the decent things to a charity or shelter if you're not planning on using it again. Bogeyface sums it up nicely :).

LovelyFriend · 25/09/2015 00:17

Op if it's about the money just sell the stuff instead of passing it on.

You spending time money and effort to restore baby stuff that has been through several babies to your post one child expected standard is frankly very strange.

You do sound determined to make a really big deal out of nothing. You don't want to use the stuff, yet you resent that family members have got really good use out of it.

Those birthday cards and presents are never coming.

You really need to let this all go.

Next time you've finished with something just eBay it and save yourself from this world of pain, and family members from the burden of your resentment.

SnookyWookyWooWoo · 25/09/2015 00:20

Depends what the items are i guess.

If i made it clear I was lending something id be annoyed that it got handed through 4 more families without my permission for sure.

If just clothes I wouldn't be too worried but other items like jumperoos etc should be returned in a good state.

I do agree with pps that if you aren't planning on having anymore maybe just let it go for your own sanity. It's done now and maybe a lesson learned.

I've just been lent and given bags upon bags of baby clothes and I'm petrified now that as alot of it is plain white that it'll get mixed up and I'll give it back to the wrong person (several people gave/lent me items). I think id rather not have the stress I it tbh.

I give items away, I don't bother lending as baby stuff always seems to get ruined (pooped weed and sicked on).

Hope you can get some peace over it all anyway op....no point letting it wind you up at this point. Hopefully they will learn their lesson once you tell them no more freebie items for them.

Bogeyface · 25/09/2015 00:23

Snooky I would keep the loaned items in the bags, dont use them and just give them back unused! I had the same, several gifts and a couple of loans. I just didnt used the loaned stuff as I was so worried I would get it mixed up!

Of the gifted stuff one was a bag of very expensive designer stuff. I went to give it back my friend said I could sell it or pass it on, it had all been gifts to her anyway and she had no use for it. So I sold and we spent the proceeds on a boozy night out :o

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 00:27

Just to clarify the time line, as it seems to have gone haywire somewhere, my DD isn't 5 yet. So 5 years ago the stuff hadn't ever been used. First DN arrived 8 months after DD, so stuff got lent then - so around 4 years ago. There were 5 babies in 2 years, so they were only finished with after baby 5 around 18 months ago and we finally got most of it back at Easter this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 00:29

We didn't lend DD's pram thank fuck as she was very much still using it. It was about £1ks worth, but I got it (new) for £780. One sold on eBay last week for £585. Some things do hold their value.

OP posts:
SnookyWookyWooWoo · 25/09/2015 00:30

Bogey aren't people lovely though? It's nice to pass bits on. I've just done the same as having a girl next week and my first was a boy so I gave all the boy bits away. Felt lovely giving it to my younger cousin who is struggling at the mo.

And yes have kept most of it in bags unless they specifically have said not having any more kids and we can keep them. I already have tonnes of white clothes from my first born but didn't want to be rude so accepted them. I'll seal them up and label with who they need to go back to I think.

Feel for op though not nice when stuff is ruined. I kept anything sentimental but the rest I was happy to get rid of just for space alone Grin

SnookyWookyWooWoo · 25/09/2015 00:32

Oh and the pram thing makes me ill...Mine was £800 new....went to sell it the other day and got offered £25! It depends what the make is I suppose! Some really do hold value.