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AIBU?

To tell them to fuck off?

254 replies

DisappointedOne · 24/09/2015 20:43

One of my SILs got pregnant shortly before DD was born. As DD started growing out of things, we lent them to BIL and SIL for their baby (they live 300 miles away, as do the rest of that side of the family). We thought they'd use the stuff and then return it, but then another SIL got pregnant and the stuff got passed on with no mention to us to them. Then the first SIL got pregnant again, so they got passed back, and then the other one so they went back again. Then the last brother's girlfriend got pregnant so it all got passed on to them - again with no mention to us. So rather than being used for 1 more baby and returned they were used for 5 more in 2 years. We did ask for them back, but they were constantly in use. When we did eventually get things back, they hadn't been cleaned and some things had torn/ripped, which meant that I had to spend quite a long time fixing them before they got put away.

Got a text from SIL 1 last night asking if we still have some of the things. Yep, she's pregnant again. I'm sick of subsidising a family that only ever take from us. WIBU to tell them to fuck off and stick them on ebay?

OP posts:

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KitKat1985 · 25/09/2015 08:42

Hmm I'm on the fence here OP. I get where you are coming from about being able to re-sell it if you had it back even if you didn't want another baby (although to be honest in my experience you would probably have only got 'pocket money' prices for most things - like when you go to NCT 'nearly new sales' and similar). However to be honest if it was stuff that you wanted to keep / sell then I don't think you should have lent it out in the first place. The clothes for instance were invariably at risk of getting poo / mud / food etc stains on, so I don't think you should have lent them if you wanted the stuff back in good condition. And as for them passing it on to other family members, in my family a lot of baby stuff has gone around several houses too - but the original owners are just pleased it's getting some use out of still. However YANBU about them not bothering to even get your DD birthday presents after you have been so generous to them - that would annoy me too. TBH I think you just need to let it go now though (although a pointed hint that your DD is still owed some presents seems reasonable to me).

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2015 08:56

How does a person pointedly hint that they're expecting presents without sounding like an arsehole? I'm curious

MudCity · 25/09/2015 09:05

I think your feelings are perfectly natural. I don't like to see my things being treated badly either and I don't like being taken for granted (which I think is a key factor here). I wouldn't lend them. And (if you can) I would be honest and say that I have decided not to lend items again because I have lent things in the past and they have been treated shabbily. If you can't say that then just say you have no idea where they are...you think they might have got thrown out when you last did a de-clutter.

KitKat1985 · 25/09/2015 09:17

Well bitoutofpractice since OP DH's family seem happy to ask for things for free I think you just have to adopt the same sort of attitude. A reply to SIL along the lines of "sure we can lend you some stuff, by the way DD has told me some things what she would like for her birthday / Christmas so would you mind getting her item x in exchange for a loan of some stuff'?

KitKat1985 · 25/09/2015 09:19

I think sometimes if people are being cheeky you just have to be a cheeky fucker back.

QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2015 09:21

I am really trying to agree with you OP, I can rationally understand your annoyance in respect of the big ticket items but I am struggling to be supportive because well, you sound awful to be honest. Toiling over baby things and mending them for use by...noone. Your DH clearly was happy for the items to be passed along to his family - your posts smack of petulance and spite against his family, you sound livid that they have had more babies.... is that because you really want more and your DH doesn't? that's not your SILs fault

Say no to lending them things, that is your right and not unreasonable but my observation is that this is resentment against your husband and his family rather than about the items being lent to someone

KitKat1985 · 25/09/2015 09:23

Or similarly 'yeah sure we can lend you some stuff again. Obviously we don't want any money for it but would you mind buying DD x for her birthday in exchange'? You get the idea.

Spartans · 25/09/2015 09:28

When some asked how your dh felt about you not considering them family you said He's seen the way they've behaved over the past 14 years and understands why!

So I assumed they had behaved badly for 14 years, is that not right then?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/09/2015 09:30

Queen
Have you read the thread? Its the OP who doesn't want any more DC.

OP
I think you should do what you want with whatever you have left. Your DH's family don't treat things in a way that you are comfortable with. It's hard to deal with even when you get on with the people. We've given a lot of baby stuff to DH's family as a gift (he comes from a large family and things will be used and reused) and it did make me wince slightly when I saw stuff in a crumpled heap on the floor. But at least in that case it wasn't mine any more as I had given it away. I like DH's family a lot, its just they do things differently.

margeys · 25/09/2015 09:32

I would hate to borrow baby things from someone that expected them back in good condition. Sounds like a lot of stress.

You said you would collect them back in the summer so it didn't clutter up their house. That makes it sound like you are collecting them to do them a favour, not that you really want them back.

vjg13 · 25/09/2015 09:59

I think most people pass on old baby stuff and are glad it will reused. It made me feel slightly more justified in going overboard in the first place. I gave some old clothes to nursery too for spares but was a bit shocked when staff told me that doesn't get returned if someone takes a fancy to it!

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/09/2015 10:06

YABU - if you wanted stuff back you should have explicitly said so, given a time limit etc. I'd never expect to get back all the baby stuff I've given away. I doubt SIL realised it was a loan before she first gave the stuff away herself.

DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 10:23

but I am struggling to be supportive because well, you sound awful to be honest. Toiling over baby things and mending them for use by...noone.

When I was pregnant my dad sanded and repainted my old cot. The cot was originally my mother's. It serviced her siblings and then myself and my sister. They kept it in case we ever wanted it for our children. Ditto the Silver Cross pram that they'd used and kept. I wanted to keep DD's hammock in case she ever wanted it. I don't think that's selfish.

Is that because you really want more and your DH doesn't? that's not your SILs fault

DH wants more. I don't know whether I do or not.

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DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 10:24

YABU - if you wanted stuff back you should have explicitly said so, given a time limit etc. I'd never expect to get back all the baby stuff I've given away. I doubt SIL realised it was a loan before she first gave the stuff away herself.

No. They knew. They definitely knew.

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Theycallmemellowjello · 25/09/2015 10:35

Hm well in that case, I wonder if the problem is that the SIL felt she was borrowing from her DB rather than someone she had to be more polite and respectful with (you). If they're the kind of family that shares everything (as it seems they are!) then she might just have had different expectations about what it meant to borrow something. Reading your comments, I'm also struck by the fact that your DH felt that it was only fair to let his other brother have use of the stuff after his first one did. So it seems that he did approve some of the lending.

KourtneyK · 25/09/2015 10:39

Am I from another planet to some people? If someone kindly gifted me large and expensive items, I'd not make assumptions about giving them on. As it happens, OP was clear she wanted them back which makes it even worse! Small items of clothing are a different matter but a cot and pram?! Of course they are cheeky fuckers. I can't see how you could defend them!

DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 10:40

DH only has brothers. SIL isn't a blood relation. DH's relationship with SILs is the same as mine.

DH will excuse his family's behaviour no matter what they do. He wasn't happy about it being passed on, but hell will freeze over before he admits it.

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 10:41

Small items of clothing are a different matter but a cot and pram

I didn't lend them a cot or a pram.......?

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TiggyD · 25/09/2015 10:41

The world would be a far happier place if more people fucked off.

Trusting people is always a risk. You now know you can't trust them. As the saying goes, "fool me once, shame on them. Fool me twice, I won't get fooled again." Or something similar.

VenusRising · 25/09/2015 10:42

I was delighted to pass on everything- I mean, who has that kind of storage?

I did get a loan of some baby clothes from a friend, but was told that were expected back in pristine condition, as her granny had knitted them from unicorns hair or something. I was too scared to use them and sent them back as soon as I could.

Op I understand that there was a breach of promise, but really, I'd be delighted they got so much use, and that all those people think well of you for helping them and their babies.

Why not bask in your good deeds, rather than being miffed. You didn't have a written contract after all!

As for ebaying, I wouldn't buy anything that's been through 4 babies. It's just worn out, so not sure why you're bothering.

Sorry if you've lost an opportunity to recoup your costs, and maybe you could have a word with your sil about her stumping up half the price, and the others also stumping up something, if you feel you've been taken for a ride.

Maybe you're feeling sad that you'll never have use for the stuff as you're not going to have another. Maybe that's where the upset is coming from?

Have you spoken to anyone about your feelings about completing your family? It may be the reason why you're so upset about a few old things....

Doublebubblebubble · 25/09/2015 10:46

Aren't all the clothes ridiculously stained/ruined anyway...

If it were something like a family christening gown or a Moses basket then I would expect for those to be passed around the family but clothes....nah. I don't see how they've lasted this long through that many babies... I would sell up x

DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 10:47

I was delighted to pass on everything- I mean, who has that kind of storage?

We bought a 6 bedroom house thinking that the family would visit (they don't). Space isn't a problem.

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DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 10:47

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT CLOTHES!!!!!

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 25/09/2015 10:50

Maybe you're feeling sad that you'll never have use for the stuff as you're not going to have another. Maybe that's where the upset is coming from?

Have you spoken to anyone about your feelings about completing your family? It may be the reason why you're so upset about a few old things....

A few old things? Nice.

I had counselling before agreeing to have DD. I am 99% sure I don't want any more children, and have very strong reasons why. But there is still a tiny chance that I'll wake up one day and forget all of those and decide I do want another.

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Greengardenpixie · 25/09/2015 10:57

Quite dissapointed one. I have an 18 year age gap between my children! You can always change your mind. I did and am proof of it.

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