being a twat with school uniform?

[Unreasonablebetty]

My husband says I'm being a bit of a twat and I thought I would check mumsnet for anyone else's opinion....
Every year, when it starts to get cold my daughter ditches the school dress and clarks shoes for a new pair of hunter wellies and leggings with a polo top and school jumper- usually with some kind of branded coat that's the same colour as the boots (yes lots of thought goes into this)
Now DD is almost 8, she's starting to take care of her clothes a bit more, would it be (as my husband says) a step too far for me to buy her Ralph Lauren polo tops for school in the winter?

He says it's fine that she has the hunter wellies, it's fine that she even has a designer coat, but the polo tops are just twattish and a bit "try hard" for school.
Maybe I'm seeing it wrongly, but I like Ralph Lauren, why not? I don't see why she can wear this stuff out of school and it's great, but in school it's a big no no?

I'm sure she looks clean and smart. But uniform is ... uniform. Save the cool stuff for out of school. Whatever uniform she has, as long as it's clean, brushed hair and teeth, she'll look perfect.
You sound like a lovely mum

Christ almighty. God forbid anyone ever want to give their kids something nice. Love the reverse psychology - you've got something nice, ergo you're cheap and trying too hard, not that you just happen to like it and buy it because actually, you can.

Betty expensive uniform is a waste of money because it just gets trashed. Polo necks look the same whatever shop you buy them from. Seriously.

But I have to say my girls love Hunters. They come in some lovely colours. And if they're chavvy, well then half the farmers and landowners and business owners round our way must really be cheap chavs then because most of their kids come to school in Hunters. They must be bloody well off chavs too, kids Hunters aren't cheap.

And no that's not a stealth boast. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I don't have anything to prove to anyone and neither do my kids. I don't wear them myself, I don't think the adults ones are what they used to be but the kids love them. And yes, we can afford them and no, we're not chavs. Well, I don't think we are anyway, I can't keep up.

does black white board marker pen come out of nice shirts better than the asda ones?

Ok. Piss taking over....We could easily dress my dd head to foot in labels. We have the money. I know it won't do her any good at all. I put money in a high interest savings account every week for her. When she starts out on her own she will know the value of things ( she gets money and when it's gone that's it ) and have a lump sum for uni/towards living alone for the first time. Just an idea.

I've got a pair of Hunter wellies. Sorry that makes me a chav.

Chav is an attitude. Covered in loud brash labels so the world SEES the labels. Buying good gear because it's fit for task is different. My hiking boots are expensive because I hike a lot and need good waterproof boots that survive the west of Scotland terrain. My casual shoes? Whatever I pick up on ebay. I have Hunters for camping as they should never need replaced. Hunters to go shopping on warm dry days is chav. They aren't looking for solid waterproof boots they want a label. Grew up with neds. So much expensive sport clothing, not one of them did anything remotely resembling exercise

Anyway op. Nobody means you any harm despite the ribbing at the start. You obviously love your children, and like us all have gotten mixed up with how to show it. I think our strong reaction on here is more to do with the message your child is getting. That it's your labels that make you a good person. That without expensive clothes your value is less. That future relationships will be given the wrong markers. How much money a future partner spends defines love, not how he/she treats her emotionally. It can be a dangerous game to associate love with money rather than with genuine care and support. You love her. You don't need to prove it with flash clothes

Yes, buy it if you want to but not if it's causing financial damage to the family.
The attitude of some people to other people's spending habits or clothing habits is interesting.

I'm a label addict( hence my username) and it amuses me when people have a go about it. From my car to my clothes... I earn my own money and buy what I want for ME. If they are bothered it's their problem.

Ther will be no doubt a range of reactions to it at school and be prepared that it could get trashed as quickly as any other item at school.

How you spend it is your business.

Someone said up thread that the op is in difficulties with money I believe. Can't remember who think it's first page.

OP, I'm sorry that you're getting a kicking here, some people need to take a look at themselves.

You know what's at the heart of this, and it sounds like you're doing what you can to change your thinking, so good luck with that.

There's some good advice amid the bile, I hope some has helped.

FWIW, my DM had a very difficult childhood, and it really affected how she parented me; my GF was violent - DM never (as I recall) raised a hand to me; my GM was cold snd undemonstrative - DM is the opposite; DM had very little - she has always been very (too?) generous with gifts. I think I've turned out alright, and I'm sure your DD will too, just try not to spoil her; keep her fed, clothed (Sainsbury's or Asda for school) and loved, you'll be fine and so will she.

Hunters are fine for DC, especially if they live somewhere where wellies are needed a lot as OP has described is the case for her DD. My DD hated the feel of baggy legged wellies and it's possible to adjust Hunters to be narrow, so they tended to be what I bought. I also think spending on a coat is a sensible investment - you wear it every day for months after all. Not invariably the case but there is a correlation between cost and warmth, quality of zip etc. My DD had a little Barbour a few years ago as an easy way to get a plain navy not too bulky coat for over school uniform and the only issue was a tendency to get them mixed up as so many girls had them, so I don't think its out of the ordinary to buy that sort of coat for a child.

I don't think you should let this thread make you feel self conscious OP. I'm sure no one in real life has registered anything untoward about the way your DD is dressed. I wouldn't bother with RL polos though, if you want some that look presentable for longer maybe just go for the john Lewis rather than supermarket end of the school uniform market. I do agree as she gets older that trousers/skirts will be more substantial than leggings and look better if the top of her school uniform is not bum covering.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum.

I'd second John lewis. Stuff lasts forever. All dds stuff from there is like brand new and gets given to charity it lasts so long. They do school blazers too. Dds is from there and it's suffered chocolate, yoghurt, squashed banana and apple juice poured on it so far. Washed up beautifully every time. Lots of designer stuff is crap and won't last. Spend plenty on long lasting stuff that is fit for purpose. You can't go wrong. Stuff looks more expensive if it can be well washed and still look fresh. Top tip, Dunlop green wellies are excellent all rounders. Great price too ( for anyone who needs a sturdy pair to destroy out walking ) well worth it.

I still remember the embarrassment of having no nice clothes as a child and I totally understand why the OP would want to buy such nice things for her dd. I also think the uniform sounds lovely.

I also btw came from nothing. Teased at a ned school for having the wrong stuff. I've grown up as an individual who knows the value of things and don't think having the right clothes benefits your life really. Most of the in crowd from my school were teen mums or dead beats. Some were ok. It's depending on the person not their clothes. End of the day it's personal choice I suppose. My dd has good quality though not flashy stuff. Money being saved for her future. House will be paid off years before I'm due to retire. That's important for me. I can understand that the right labels may be more important to others. We can all agree to disagree on this one probably

OP I completely get this and think I do it myself to some extent.
We had a big house/fancy cars when I was a kid, but that came at the expense of pretty much anything else. I was always in my brothers old school uniform, cheap shoes and trainers etc. My non school clothes were handed down from a cousin who had completely different taste to me and I was miserable wearing them.
DD is only 22 months but I buy her far too much stuff. We're drowning in it. And always higher range stuff (although not labels/designer- more joules, jojo Maman Bebe etc). I've always vaguely had an inkling that I do it because of what I had as a child but your posts really struck a chord and have confirmed it for me. I'm sorry you've had a kicking on here. You're not being a twat, just misguided.

Parenting is hard, there will always be things that make you feel guilty. My guilt is different to yours, but it has come from my childhood so similar in a way. I panic about dds diet more than I should because I was overweight as a child, and I panic about her being given enough love and affection due to my parents being pretty cold towards me. I can understand where these insecurities come from and I think you have had a hard time on this thread.

I do think you are making a rod for your own back though. I think it's the right time to alter expectations before they get to a point where affording these things means you can afford to give her fun experiences and actual happy memories. The pp that said that she won't remember what sort of polo top she wore is right, but she will remember happy days out with mum and the fun things you do together.

It's far more important that her clothes are clean and well looked after by you. that shows love. The label really doesn't matter op.

OP I have just come into this. I'll admit my initial reaction was WTF?! But reading further I can see that you are not trying to be showy but trying to show your DD that you love her albeit in a slightly misguided way. She doesn't need the Ralph Loren polos, she just needs you to love her which you do.

Take care.

Op good on you for wanting to change things. There's absolutely nothing wrong with dressing your dd nicely - it instills prides in her appearance which is very good for confidence as they get older. But as others have said, 'stuff' doesn't equate to 'love' and as you know, you could end up raising a very self indulgent, entitled young lady.

We've never bought ds designer clothing but he always look cool. We could afford it but we just don't see the point paying so much for something he'll grow out of. He has got some handed down stuff from a friend's little boy which is designer. It was dress down Friday last week and I let him choose from 5 t shirts. He chose one that was emblazoned with 'Ralph Lauren'. I was secretly mortified as I didn't want other parent's thinking he was a ponce! It's a nice t shirt, mind....

Oh and just to add that I've seen the other side of things too. When I was at school everyone had Nike Air trainers. My parents couldn't them and I ended up with some Hitech ones instead. I always remember how much people took the piss out of me. I never told my parents as they would have felt awfully guilty and they had enough to worry about. Nobody wants to think their kids have been bullied because of something they've done. Raising children is like walking a tight rope.

Nothing wrong with buying more expensive clothes if you can afford it - but not for school.

If everyone else is in uniform, send her in uniform! I'm surprised the school hasn't raised it with you.

It sounds as though you've identified a 'style' which you think makes a certain statement, and you're focusing on that. Just buy clothes as and when she needs them and likes them. Don't go looking for things which fit with an ideal.

We could turn this into a thread recommending good quality stuff that lasts....

You buy your child what ever you want. Personally I wouldn't buy branded polo shirts, but if you want to buy them then do. And I know plenty of very well off people who have big houses, big dogs and big cars and ... hunter wellies, so they are not just worn by chavs. If you can afford it then its no one elses business is it?

I'm a bit confused about the leggings situation. Surely polo shirts don't sit low enough for them to be appropriate without a skirt or a long top underneath?

OP it seems that your intentions are good but that you are in dire need of some more, better therapy to put at rest the issues you have from childhood which are impacting on you and your DCs life now.

I think it's often the case when someone's had a bad upbringing to do the exact opposite of what their parents did but this isn't always the best strategy.

I honestly think that the greatest gift you could give your daughter is to work on your low self esteem, the fact that you don't feel good enough. You sound like an amazing mum to your daughter, you ARE good enough. But you need to start to believe that, because your daughter will start to pick up on it. The designer clothes are just a symptom.

I was your daughter as a child. My parents had little money really, but they bought ridiculous things for me to wear at school, engraved my initials on stuff. I think I am quite thick skinned because it didn't bother me when other children took the poss, so they usually stopped! I realised that they were trying to make up for something. As I got older, I started to find their love stultifying, and I really disengaged with them. I am not saying this will happen to your daughter, just trying to illustrate that it can have a negative impact.

Your problem isn't that your husband thinks Ralf Lauren polo shirts are silly, it's that you are carrying baggage from your childhood that you have not worked through. I dearly wish my parents had spent money on helping themselves through their worries rather than age inappropriate jewellery (which was their version of designer clothing!)