being a twat with school uniform?

[Unreasonablebetty]

My husband says I'm being a bit of a twat and I thought I would check mumsnet for anyone else's opinion....
Every year, when it starts to get cold my daughter ditches the school dress and clarks shoes for a new pair of hunter wellies and leggings with a polo top and school jumper- usually with some kind of branded coat that's the same colour as the boots (yes lots of thought goes into this)
Now DD is almost 8, she's starting to take care of her clothes a bit more, would it be (as my husband says) a step too far for me to buy her Ralph Lauren polo tops for school in the winter?

He says it's fine that she has the hunter wellies, it's fine that she even has a designer coat, but the polo tops are just twattish and a bit "try hard" for school.
Maybe I'm seeing it wrongly, but I like Ralph Lauren, why not? I don't see why she can wear this stuff out of school and it's great, but in school it's a big no no?

Yes, yes you are being a that! I can't imagine a school that would let them wear wellies all day for a start.

unreasonable I totally understand where your coming from. Growing up I wanted nice things and my mum or dad couldn't afford them, we were just "living", we didn't have much money.

Now when DS was born, I still didn't have much money, but because I grew up basically without nothing, I made sure that DS would get the things I didn't have. So literally, every week, I will go to Mamas and Papas and buy any expensive useless baby items I can get for him. No way, would I consider shopping in M&S, ASDA, H&M etc. I was very much conscience with what DS wore.

It wasn't until when DS was diagnosed as having SEN that I quickly changed my thinking and mindset. I had something else...more important to think about and long after that I realised that my DS doesn't actually need expensive things, but needs a loving stable home, a good education and a loving and devout parent. Those things are priceless

I now have a lot more money than I did have, but instead of buying that on designer clothes, I put that money into DS therapy, after school club activities, days out etc.

My dd prefers snow boots to wellies. They keep her little tootsies toasty.

Thank you for the last few messages.
We do plenty for days out etc, I run myself ragged trying to do stuff she would like whenever we get a chance.
Saving it would be a really good idea, would be great if she could have something nice like help for a deposit when she is older.

Winchester- yes I've tried working through it all, it's much better than it was. Especially now we aren't in contact but all in all I'm finding being a mum quite traumatic because everything I do I'm worried that it's not enough to make sure that my daughter grows up knowing how loved she was. I give all of everything I have mentally, physically and monetary wise into trying to make sure that she grows up feeling like I did all I could for her.

The thing is Op children who are spoilt, will expect to be spoilt to a greater degree when they are teens. It doesnt get cheaper than junior school. She`ll expect to be better dressed than everyone else, even if shes ok with it now. Having nothing increased your resilliance ... and you were in the same boat as your
peers.

Betty it's natural to want to give your daughter things you didn't have.

But expensive doesn't necessarily mean better or nicer. Often it just means more expensive.

Spend money on things that will make a difference to her life, eg music lessons, educational day trips, etc.

She's 8 yo. She doesn't care who makes her polo shirt or shouldn't

Noticing in- thank you so much for understanding.
How did you get to the point where you felt like you didn't need to spend money on things just because they were a bit more expensive?
Spending all that I can literally give is the only thing that stops me feeling like I'm the shittiest person in the world. I'm not saying you felt exactly the same.
I'm sorry to hear that your son has SEN though. I hope he is ok.

Unreasonable you might think it's "sweet" but I guarantee you Aggie and Maggie will not be talking on street corners about how you dress your child in design wear. No body gives a shit. I laugh at people stupid enough to pay to advertise a name for someone.
Stealth boast thread me thinks.

To be honest, always buying the top brand isn't healthy either. It's very likely she will have a period without money (eg as a student) and she will need to have learned by then where she can cut corners. She will also need to have learned that she can't have everything but that her mother still loves her when she doesn't buy her stuff.

Expensive stuff and expensive days out tell other adults that you are happy to spend money on your child. If she has the same polo shirt as everyone else (and there's a huge range below designer, from Aldi to John Lewis perhaps) and it's always clean when she needs it, you've ticked every box you need to tick.

Showing an interest in your child means remembering PE kit on the right day and hearing her read and snuggling in front of Frozen for the eleventy thousandth time with microwave popcorn while she tells you that Ella wouldn't play with her today.

I don't think this is a stealth boast, because it puts the OP in a bad light and makes her look "chavvy" as others have said.

Sally- I wasn't in the same boat as my peers. I was always bullied because I had nothing. It was indescribable the feelings I felt as a child when I was at school and on the rarety I had clothes that were new they were always the cheapest Ill fitting clothes that my mum could find, I was often teased because people thought my clothes came from a charity shop.

Sunshine- you are completely right, and to be honest- I've got absolutely no reasons myself to buy these things. I just feel like the brand makes them more special, but marks and Spencer's are lovely, and so are debenhams. I was quite proud that DDs first uniform came from Debenhams as I'd never had any school uniform from there as a child and there was a girl who I went to school with who always had the prettiest bits of clothing from debenhams- the things we remember I guess!

MrsHathaway- I've never thought that spending money makes adults think I care about DD, but that she doesn't care.
And maybe it is all the small things that we do that matters. Thank you.
I will try to keep this in mind.

Spending money on your kids doesn't necessarily make you a good parent.
In fact it's a bit of a lazy way to show you care, no kids thinks " I had a great childhood I had designer clothes" when they grow up.
Buy them what they need ( with treats thrown in of course) but don't think that love equates to material things.

actually I can kind of see where the op is coming from

I never had the "right" things growing up, and got bullied for having the wrong labels and shit trainers etc. it never leaves you

and as a result I will always make sure my dc do have the "right" things....in my elder 2's case its an ordinary school uniform but at their school you can wear branded trainers as long as they are black. so they have got all black Nike huarache's which are the in thing. and tbh at 45 quid not much more than clarks or whatever

I would dress out of a charity shop before my kids ever get the piss taken out of them for their clothes.

Christ, Ralph Lauren at 8 meanwhile here on planet earth my kids are in George at asda

and I don't care if labels are "chavvy" I'm not posh, i am not rich, and not going to try and pretend I am.

but OP, I have to say, with how you describe what your dd wears, does it not just look like she has forgotten her skirt?

Spending money on things doesn't prove you love her. Time with her is much more important. Listening to her is important especially as she gets older. Letting her have friends over to play, not worrying about mess too much, don't be competitive with play dates, let these kids want to come over to see your dd not because she's got lots of expensive things.

My oldest is 17. When she was at primary there was a girl who was a surprise baby for her parents, three grown up brothers and they have this little girl. She was ruined. She had everything before everyone else, limo parties aged 6, dyed hair by 10, high heels at 11, caked in make up by 11 and then the first to be picked up by the police drunk and half naked at 15 ....none of the kids particularly liked her apart from a few (think mean girls), most parents didn't want their own dds hanging out with her as she was a bully, looked down on others who had less than her and openly bad mouthed my dd for not having clothes and shoes as nice as her. She was, quite frankly, a fucking nasty little bitch. She wasn't when she was 8, 9 but by the time she was a teen she was bloody awful. She wanted for nothing. She dresses way older than she is and worst of all is her utter disrespect for her own parents.

Now I'm not saying your dd will turn out like this, but when you give your child everything and the best of everything then you give them nothing to work for or aim for or wait for.

My kids have never had much. But my oldest is working and studying, aiming for uni next year. And what I can afford is always received so gracefully and with so much pleasure from them both. I sacrifice to buy them things but even if I won the lottery I still wouldn't go mad on them because if you are given everything what incentive is there to go and work.

Hopping green of course they need more than clothes.
I do everything that I can, to the best of my ability, as said up thread I give everything that I have emotionally, physically and materially.
I give her all that I can physically give. So please don't think that I chuck clothes at her and do nothing else.
I know love doesn't necessarily equate to designer clothes, but it is one of the ways that I try to show her that she is loved.

lazy it might be for someone to give their child designer clothes, and hope that they know they are loved, I'm not so sure that this is the same thing as I do?
I am there for her, I am loving toward her, I make sure all her needs are met, we spent quality time together. And every single moment I have spare I am constantly telling myself how I could do better, and how I must have failed her by not being the person she deserves to have as a mother.
But yes, lazy.

OP as a child who also never had the"right" clothes as a child, I can totally understand why you might want to overcompensate now.

I think you've had a tough time on this thread. I suspect that many people taking the piss out of you here never experienced the embarrassment of being that odd kid

Unlike you, I suspect, I never ever for a second doubted that my mom loved me and was doing her very best for me and my sister and looking back, that truly is more important than the "right" clothes.

I think your dd will also feel that love from you too

I wasn't saying you do it for their benefit precisely - but since DD knows no better I wonder who you are doing it for. The eight year old you?

It's simplistic to say that if your mother had bought you better things your life would have been better. It sounds like she didn't really give a shit and the stuff was just a symptom of that.

I agree wholeheartedly with pps who say that Not Having The Right Stuff is incredibly hard as a child and teenager - but the in thing isn't necessarily the expensive thing. It would be great to get into the habit of involving DD with your shopping choices in case she reveals she wants the exact Asda pinafore with the butterfly embroidered on the hip, or whatever. As she gets older you can have a conversation about being your own person and design/material quality and value for money, but at first you can encourage her to know why she is choosing x. "Because it's expensive and must therefore be good" is a fallacy and not a healthy one. "Because this better brand is hard wearing and will last longer" is great and "because Sally has the same" is normal

Coffeeisnectar- I'm sorry to hear your daughter went to school with such a bitch, I hope your dd didn't suffer too much because of her.
I can understand where you are coming from. Cos that girl sounds horrific.
I just wanted my daughter to know there was a point in working hard. Cos it would mean one day she could aim for nicer things, and that its all worth working hard for.
Maybe I've gotten it all wrong, but all I've done is tried to do my best.

And I do listen to my daughter, I really do. since I gave birth to her, she's been my one interest, that everything she wants and needs is done. And we are very close.
And I'm not too stressed with mess. I've had all of her friends over. We made tiaras, bracelets and decorated a cardboard fairy house with glitter and paint (the glitter was being hoovered up for months)
I do try in all areas.

Thing is though, what you are describing is your needs as a child projected onto your daughter.

you never had new clothes so she has to. You felt you had nothing and so you are trying to give your daughter (what you perceive as) everything.

Sure good parenting is about love and affeciton and security etc, material and emotional. However so often people parent themselves as a child, rather than the actualy child they have.

You have decided what your daughters needs are based on YOU at her age.

Loads of people do this, but you will never get rid of the 'not enough' feeling when it comes to your daughter, until you figure out that you are trying in part to fill the 'never enough' version of you from your childhood through her.

We assume we know our kids and what they need so well because we live with them and we know what we missed out on or enjoyed in our own childhoods. But often we are really not looking at them very clearly at all.

Especially when it comes to deep-seated and unresolved hurts like poverty, neglect, bullying and so on from our pasts.

Being dressed in designer coats, leggings and Ralph Lauren polos singles her out just as much as being dressed in rags would if all the other children wear M&S trousers and the school polo.

Your dd will remember making things out of boxes more than a designer shirt. Honestly!!

We didn't have much growing up but what I remember is playing scramble on Sundays when we were at my nans, my dad falling in a snow drift and us all laughing so much we couldn't get him out and getting a girl's world for Xmas one year which was the "best present ever".

You obviously adore your dd and obviously do lots of lovely things with her. Just put that money away and save it for laptops and mobile phones in a few years time. My youngest just turned 10 and she got a second hand ipod for her birthday and she's thrilled with it. But she still wants to do things with me more than play with gadgets.

Stop beating yourself up. You are doing a good job. And don't worry about my oldest, she gives as good as she gets!