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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For being mad at 'date' for his behaviour?

191 replies

Wanshu · 24/09/2015 14:45

Met a guy online. Met up one night and he seemed alright so I arranged date number 2. That one went ok so this brings us to date number 3 ...

We went to cinema and he talked all the way through the movie. People were turning around and I was getting embarrassed. He was actually talking about the movie to be fair but even so! Anyway I said to him politely "let's talk about it later when we leave". He made a stupid "oooo! Ive been told off!" comment and I heard tutting from behind us. So uncomfortable as I hate drawing attention to myself.

So - moving forward we got out (finally!) and as we were leaving he was loudly discussing the plot whilst people were queuing up to see it!! I said playfully "shh you'll spoil it for this lot!" and he did the same "ooo you are miss authoritative tonight!" at this point I was so wound up I just wanted to shout "fuck off!!!" at him (but didn't).

So I admit I may have been a bit tetchy from this point on ...

We walked into our chosen restaraunt were we were told to sit at the bar whilst a table became available. Gladly I sat down. He sat beside me, started raking into his pockets and then dumped a load of change onto the bar and said "what do you reckon we could get with that?" Shock Jesus H Christ. I was mortified. A group of blokes were looking and laughing, he seemed completely oblivious. I said "just put the money away and we'll just order something! if we don't have enough on us they accept card!". I may have been a bit snappy at this point. He looked offended. collected the change and asked what I wanted. I told him I'd buy the drinks and I did so. As we were sat drinking in awkward silence he asked me if he'd done something wrong as I'd seemed quite stand offish and snappy all night!!! Not wanting a full on conversation in front of the bar staff and the group of blokes I said "no, don't worry about it, I just don't like getting money out in public." At this point he said "oh don't worry I'm not skint, I have ... " and then he proceeded to rake a load of £10 and £20 notes out of his pocket and counted them in front of me!!!!! is it me or what??? How embarrassing. So I said "you're doing it again! people are looking! just put the money away and let's enjoy our drinks and food without thinking about money".

Anyway this conversation went on and on ...

Final straw, we sat down and I ordered fajita wraps. He ordered something different. When it arrived my serving was huge and basically it looked like it would be a military operation turning this huge plate of meat and veg into wraps (it was a DIY job!). So I laughed and said "oh wow! where do I start here?!" so he asked what I meant. Hmm. I said "I just don't know where to start. looks nice though doesn't it?" - well he immediately caught the attention of the waitress and asked her to come across before telling her that I wasnt sure how to make the wraps and could she show me how to do it! I mean for fucks sake, I've never felt so ridiculous in all my life. I told her I was fine and could manage. When she'd left I asked him why he'd done that and he said he was trying to be helpful. I told him he'd really embarrassed me and he said I'd been off with him all night and he wished I'd just told him what was wrong.

I can be a moody cow. I'm not denying that but was my frustration warranted on this occasion and AIBU to now be considering calling it all off? We're meant to be going out this weekend and he keeps texting saying how he's looking forward to it and has changed his hours at work for it. The other dates were fine, just the last one which was a nightmare. Am I being harsh?

OP posts:
wickedlazy · 24/09/2015 18:00

Once I'd worked out how easily embarrassed you are I'd have spent the evening trying to get everyone's attention just to annoy you. But then I really am unreasonable. And a bit annoying.

^I do this with my sister Grin

LeChien · 24/09/2015 18:08

Of course her are more reasons for this, they have incompatible senses of humour, I personally wouldn't find it amusing, but I know plenty of people who would. He could have been feeling awkward (not exclusive to ASD, poor parenting or stupidity), plenty of people say stupid things when they're feeling nervous.

Maybe I was generalising, but I found it offensive you were equating ASD with either a poor upbringing or being thick. Maybe I'm the only one who is offended by it, but IMO it's statements like this that need to be challenged, sorry you don't agree.

bialystockandbloom · 24/09/2015 18:09

Has it been accepted then that he was even a jerk/twat etc? I don't even think he sounds that bad (except for the talking in the cinema). And as for having frigging ASD - ffs.

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2015 18:13

Has it been accepted by whom? Some people seem to think he's a twat. Some people seem to think he's a jerk. Some people seem to think he behaved like a twat or a jerk. Some people seem to think he might have ASD. Some people seem to think he was misunderstood and might be quite nice, really. Take your pick!

HamaTime · 24/09/2015 18:18

I couldn't have got through the film let alone see him again. It's fine to not date people who's company you don't enjoy.

Starkswillriseagain · 24/09/2015 18:18

Sounds like once he had wound you up enough, any little thing was going to do it. The talking at the movie thing would have really pissed me off and would give him a strike from me. The change and wraps were cringeworthy, I wonder if he was trying to be funny and lighten things in the former and just being pretty oblivious in the second.

I don't think you are being harsh to have been annoyed or embarrassed though I think if you still are now it's a bit OTT. I'd give him alast try this weekend, if he wound me up-intentionally or otherwise- or we were just veyr incompatible then I'd not make any more.

As they say in Firefly, there's a special place in hell reserved for those who talk at the theatre cinema.

SmugairleRoin · 24/09/2015 18:22

Honestly it sounds as the poster above said - once wound up, you were irritated by any tiny fault you perceived.

I have an ASD brother and it sounds a lot like something he would do - but then again, it also sounds like a general lack of social skills.

If it really bothered you, don't date him.

Garrick · 24/09/2015 18:30

"Little Miss Authoritative" can only be answered with "Little Mr Knobhead".

This. The other stuff would've been just extra nails in the coffin. I can make allowances for awkwardness/nerves/idiocy, but not when the offender's a supercilious sexist twat.

Garrick · 24/09/2015 18:31

Sorry, but I forgot to say 'Have a nice time this evening', Wanshu Grin

OddlyLogical · 24/09/2015 18:38

You don't sound suited but it really doesn't help when you get all moody but don't actually tell him what he's doing to annoy you.

0dfod · 24/09/2015 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bialystockandbloom · 24/09/2015 18:44

round yes that's true, I suppose I'd just noticed more of the jerk/knob/twat posts - and the ones conflating that with having ASD - than the others.

diddl · 24/09/2015 19:07

Good luck for tonight OP.

ImperialBlether · 24/09/2015 19:08

The thing is, this guy sounds as though he will always draw attention to himself. You hate that so clearly you're not suited.

Elledouble · 24/09/2015 19:46

If you don't want to see him again then don't Confused. You don't owe him anything! If being that socially unaware is a deal breaker for you (it would be for me) then break it off!

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 21:06

LeChien,

I apologise if that is how my comment came across. It was totally not how I intended it to, as that wasn't what I meant.

I gave only three possibilities from a potentially huge list, which I did not have time to formulate as I am juggling children and my brain isn't on full form.

My punctuation probably made this unclear and that's my fault.

I certainly do not equate ASD with either of those things, but in this instance, they could all be contributing factors to the guy's behaviour. Other people have suggested ASD; I have commented that he is an unpleasant or ignorant individual, but not suggested why he might be so.

I do not know what causes his behaviour; that was my point. All I am going on is the behaviour itself as described here.
The cause of it is a secondary thing and an assumption.

There will be people who assume this sort of behaviour is a possible indicator of ASD; I don't, generally, though I wanted to include it in my very brief list as it had already been suggested on the thread.

I hope this clarifies my position and once again I apologise if I gave the impression it was otherwise.

As a person with an ASD and a parent of another person with one I would never seek to offend people with autism, or to be offensive about them.

To be clear: I do not, personally, consider this man's behaviour to indicate an ASD, though there may be those who do. It is not possible to tell what has caused him to behave in such an unpleasant manner.

IRuthBolirsUhbniuzsDH · 24/09/2015 21:12

Btw my FFS was more my own frustration at being misunderstood, and not knowing how to correct it, than directed at you. I am sorry for that.

I am not always great at putting my thoughts down so that other people understand what I'm trying to say.

Norest · 24/09/2015 21:22

Yes he sounds a tad annoying, but basically seems to have his heart in the right place going from what you have written. Guess he thought he was being funny in places.

Anyhow..you clearly are not suited so I would not bother seeing him again..what's the point if you are going to fret or worry about his behaviour?

I would say..you do really sound like you are really overly concerned with what strangers might think of you. I'm not advocating being an ass or anything in public but you seem to have had extremely strong emotional reactions to what you see as his social faux pas, and how it reflects on you. I would suggest he really didn't do anything that bad and frankly the whole scenario says a lot about you and how you handle 'image' and 'social convention'.

You sound like you take yourself way too seriously and base your feeling 'ok' way too much on what random strangers may or may not think of you. Maybe you should ask yourself why you felt so ridiculous that he called the waitress over for example? Easy enough to say 'ah was making a joke, all is fine' to him and her and think nothing of it. But instead you seem to have curled up in embarassment.

ouryve · 24/09/2015 21:25

He sounds like he was on coke. I wouldn't be up for date number 4.

tigertygerinthenight · 24/09/2015 21:28

OP I don't think you're as uptight as you claim you are for having a perfectly normal social expectation.

We all know "that" older guy whose social coping mechanism when nervous is to draw attention to himself (often through being offensive or inappropriate) whilst everyone feels sorry for his DP/DW (and she is shoehorned into being "the nagging partner" if she says anything or tries to calm him down).

He can't cope with just turning up and being "another diner" or "another cinema-goer" and enjoying a regular date, he has to make a big scene.

Chronic attention-seeking is a big turn-off. Sure a lot of us are a bit awkward when younger. But are expected to get past that by a certain age.

Normal people are able to move smoothly through social events (and allow their companions and themselves to enjoy the activity at hand or normal conversation - or even if they are feeling a bit awkward, they shut-up and go with the flow)

And others always end up in some attention-seeking drama and their friends and dates have to "mother" or coach them. I think they emotionally get off on this situation.

ouryve · 24/09/2015 21:30

And FTR, plenty of people with ASD know that you STFU at the cinema.

Scremersford · 24/09/2015 21:42

You find him annoying already, so I don't see what the point is in seeing him again. It will only make things worse for him when your annoyance levels reach saturation and you have to dump him. I don't really see a relationship forming out of someone who annoys you so much.

He obviously annoyed you enough that you were more interested in what other people thought of you than what he was saying/doing.

The wrap incident showed he had a very low expectation of your social abilities, and his picking up on your comments in the cinema was rude. You obviously don't find these traits in the least endearing.

QuintShhhhhh · 24/09/2015 21:53

He is probably a better match with a woman who is less self conscious and concerned that everybody around her are judging her!

QuintShhhhhh · 24/09/2015 21:54

Sorry, missed your post about social anxiety.

AvaCrowder · 24/09/2015 21:58

Are you dating Richard Madeley?

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